Can't wait

Kevin guided the rental SUV into a parking space near the front entrance to the adult foster care home that Nick was living at. His thoughts drifted to the realty of what brought them to this day. Two years ago they were all at the top of their careers with Backstreet; wiped out in a blink of an eye from carelessness of alcohol and drug consumption. He was jerked from his thoughts when he felt an obvious tap on the shoulder.

"Are you going to go in with us?"

Raking a hand through his thick hair, Kevin looked wearily into his cousin's face. "Huh?"

Brian grinned at his cousin's confusion. "I asked if you were going in with us to get Nick....man, you were spacing out just like Nicky always did."

Clearing his throat as he pulled the keys from the ignition Kevin quickly grunted, "Yeah, coming."

Jogging to catch up with Brian and AJ, Kevin shook his head when he noticed that Howie was already standing at the locked entrance, finger pressing on the buzzer.

"What the heck, did D run up to the door or something?"

"He walked, you just were too busy thinking to notice," AJ rasped, taking another deep drag from his cigarette.

"Can't you hold off on the smokes for just one day?" Kevin pleaded.

"And you can kiss my ass," AJ snarled as he exhaled the smoke through clenched teeth.

"The door is unlocked," Howie happily informed as he held it partially open. "Hurry up!"

"You'd think Nick would be waiting for us," AJ grumbled as he scanned the lobby.

Brian leaned toward the tatooed rebel. "Could you please stop being negative for once?"

"May I help you?" a young woman sitting behind the counter asked.

"We're just looking for Nick," Kevin answered.

The woman flashed a toothy smile. "Oh you're the ones!"

AJ looked at the woman with surprize. "Is there something we don't know about?"

The woman extended her hand out to AJ. "My name is Gail and well, you're all Nick has been talking about since he got up this morning."

A smile tugged at the corners of AJ's mouth. "He has?"

Gail nodded in agreement. "I guess the night staff had their work cut out for them in trying to get him to settle down for bed, one of the nurses found Nick sitting in bed, fully dressed in the dark waiting for you guys to come and get him and it was two o'clock!"

The smile on AJ's face quickly faded. "Why would he do that?"

Gail sighed. "Well you know, he can't tell time so he wasn't sure when you would be here and I guess he got so wound up and all."

AJ stared at the woman with an expressionless face.

"I'll go see if he's ready," Gail said as she walked away from the men.

"I don't want to do this," AJ mumbled.

"Huh?" Howie whispered, hoping he didn't hear what he thought he had just heard coming from AJ.

Without answering, AJ turned away sharply, heading toward the double doors leading to the exit. His mission in trying to leave was foiled when he discovered that the doors were locked.

"WHAT THE HELL!""

"Jay, get the hell back here," Kevin hissed at his rebel brother through clenched teeth.

AJ ignored Kevin's demands as he continued to tug at the locked entrance, his eyes scanning the wall for a button to press that would unlock the doors. "I-I can't do this," he stammered as he pulled at the doors. The tears that were welled up in his eyes were starting to blur his vision. After a few moments of frantically trying to break free of the adult foster care facility, he felt a gentle hand rubbing his back.

"AJ, it will be okay, this won't be as bad as you think it will," Howie soothed.

"I can't do this D," the rebel softly sighed.

"It's just gonna be Nick and us, you can do this."

AJ hung his head, still standing at the door. He closed his eyes when he heard Brian's voice call out to Nick. He didn't want to turn around and see Nick approach the group in the lobby. It was something AJ was having a hard time facing. The guys had told him several times that what had happened to Nick wasn't his fault, but he couldn't convince himself that what they were telling him was true.

He blamed himself for not staying with Nick after he dumped the rest of the whiskey down the drain and then let him stay by himself knowing he was already drunk.

If he had stayed, Nick wouldn't have made that choice and took those pills that almost killed him.

They kept reminding AJ that it was an accident, it wasn't anything that Nick had done to himself intentionally. But AJ still blamed himself for what had happened and how it had left his little brother.

"Jay? Nick's talking to you."

Screwing his eyes shut, he tried to will himself to anyplace that wasn't associated with SunValley. His attempt to distance himself from reality was interrupted when he felt a poke on his back.

"Where are we going?"

Clearing his throat, he looked up into Nick's eyes. "Um, no one said anything to me about where we were going. I suppose out for lunch."

Nick's eyes widened and he clapped his hands. "Out for lunch? I never done that before."

"Did that before," Kevin corrected.

"Huh?"

"Kev, could you just lay off correcting the poor kid for once....hell it gets old listening to you correct anyone for that matter!" AJ snarled. He turned his attention back to Nick. "I'm not sure where we're going, nobody tells me anything."

"What are you hungry for Nick?" Brian questioned, smiling.

Nick shrugged his shoulders in reply. "I just eat when I go to the dining room."

"Well what do you like to eat?" Howie asked, "What is your favorite thing in the world to eat?"

"Spaghettios......the ones with the meat in it---"

"Here we go with the spaghettios again---" AJ rasped.

"Broader spectrum Nick," Kevin interrupted.

"Huh?"

"Train, he don't understand your words, dumbass," AJ snapped. "Speak plain English! When you have kids they'll be beaten up in the playground---"

"Probably by your kids," Brian added with a smirk.

"Whatever, at least my kids will have some balls!"

Nick stood watching the verbal tennis match in silence and confusion. He didn't understand that they were playfully teasing and was growing upset listening to them. Out of the corner of his eye, Howie noticed Nick's face constricted with confusion and the tears that were pooling in his eyes.

"So Nicky I bet you like pasta, you know stuff like spaghetti, mac and cheese?"

The young blonde shook his head vigorously. "I love macaroni and cheese!"

AJ shook his head in disgust. "Where the fuck are you gonna find a mac and cheese restaurant?"

Nick scowled. "Thats a bad word!"

"You said fuck all the time kid," AJ replied.

"No I don't say that!"

"You said fuck and shit and---"

"Jay! Would you leave Nick alone? You're just making him mad!" Kevin spat. "Lets just go to the car and decide what we're gonna do out there, alright?"

As the four men headed toward the front door, Nick stood stock still, a finger in his mouth. Once they reached the door, they realized that Nick wasn't following them.

"Nick? C'mon we're going," Kevin ordered.

"I can't," Nick mumbled.

Kevin furrowed his brow in confusion. "Can't? Yes you can, your mom and dad gave us permission for you to go out with us to eat."

"I can't because I'm suppose to take someones hand when I leave," Nick explained.

"Oh for christsake," AJ muttered. "They will definately think we're fags if we do that."

One of the nurses put her arm around Nick's shoulders as she guided him toward his bandbrothers. "Nick, that is a rule for you when you go out on our field days to keep you with everyone so we don't lose you, but its just going to be you and your friends so you won't get lost, you'll be okay. When you go with them you won't have to hold anyone's hand, do you understand?"

Nick nodded mutely.

"Good, go have fun with them, okay?"

Brian gave Nick's arm a gentle squeeze. "You can stay by me if you want."

Nick pointed toward AJ. "I want to stay by him."

AJ jerked when he heard Nick's comment. Although he knew that no harm was meant by Nick, he still couldn't help but feel responsible for the predicament his young brother was in. Pasting a smile on his face, he tried to push the guilt feelings aside - at least for today.

"The boy always had good taste.....c'mon Nick, I'll show you the ropes...."

"God help us all," Brian, Howie and Kevin sighed in unison.