He looked at me hesitantly as I sat across from him. His eyes all glazed over from yet another night of too much partying. It scared me sometimes how similar we were in so many ways. When I looked at him I sometimes swore I was seeing myself, well except for the blue eyes and blonde locks.
I’m glad he always came to me when he felt like this, a lost little puppy in search of love. When I was young I did everything I could to escape that. Sometimes even going so far as to sit and listen to him cry on my answering machine. I’m not proud of that at all, I was a stupid kid back then.
Rok was always so much better at dealing with Nick than me. So I would just listen to the message always debating to pick up but never actually getting that far. I knew he would call Rok next, he always called me first though, I never could understand why.
“Life sucks man” He slurred at me smashing his cigarette butt on the bottom of his shoe.
“You know whenever Kevin sees you with one of those things he glares at me”
“He should it’s your fucking fault” He blew out the last puff of smoke as if he wanted it to last forever. I wanted to argue with him about that, but I couldn’t. He was right it WAS my fault he smoked. I did everything but basically cut the boy’s trachea and blow smoke into it. Nick Carter is the most impressionable kid I know. Okay well technically I guess the days of calling him a kid are over but to me he’s always going to be that scrawny little blonde kid who picked his nose a bit too much for my liking.
It’s always been like that with him, he’d see me do something and then try it himself. You know when he did that crap with Brian it was different. What did he pick up from Brian? Basketball skills, video game knowledge and religion. From me he got smoking and drinking shots of Jack to see who can go without vomiting the longest. Maybe I’ll take him golfing. That is something I could teach him that wouldn’t involve rehab.
“You wanna go golfing this weekend man?”
He looked up at me as if I had just said the stupidest thing in the universe, “What?”
“Golfing…I figured maybe we could hit the links…it’ll be fun”
“Only you and Rok think golfing is fun”
“You like to golf”
“Only when there’s a camera to watch me do it”
“I was just thinking you me and Rok could…”
“You know AJ not to be rude or anything but my life is kind of falling apart right now so maybe we’ll get to that golf thing some other time”
I nodded at him trying to remember what that felt like, to feel at the bottom of the barrel like he was obviously feeling now. I mean don’t get me wrong my life was not a box of chocolates by any means. I still had my bad bad bad days but I hadn’t seen them in awhile.
He has seen all too many this past year or two. At first I have to admit I didn’t feel all that bad for him. I was mad, I was mad that he went solo and made us take a break so I didn’t much care that his album flopped miserably.
It took me awhile to realize that I was mad not really at him but at the thought of having nothing to do. It scared me to death. So in a way I was being just a selfish as he was. If not maybe even more.
Then when the stuff with his parents started playing out in the tabloids I stepped back and realized how he must have been feeling, lost and alone not a friend in the world. Sounds dramatic I know but Nick is dramatic. Probably one of the most overly dramatic guys I know.
He feels like that a lot you know…like he doesn’t have a friend in the world but us. We are the only ones that understand him he would always say after fighting with his countless girlfriends or fair-weather friends. You know the same ones I had that only care about the Backstreet Boy not the guy under that mask. The main difference between us in that aspect is I always had my family to depend on but to him they were sometimes just as fair-weather as those friends.
I was the first person to get in contact with him after his album was officially declared a flop by Rolling Stone. I didn’t even hesitate, I wouldn’t allow myself to. I just went ahead and called ready to deal with whatever drama was going to be on the other end of the phone.
I was surprised that it really wasn’t all that bad, he actually laughed about it. In a way that made me sad because I knew that meant he was hiding from me as well. This I know for a fact, when you are feeling like a failure the last thing you want to do is admit defeat in the eyes of those people who always expected that of you and it pained me to know I had become one of those people to him.
We all kind of did and in some ways the total trust he felt with us all is STILL not back yet.
“Nick, I know you don’t believe me but it’ll get better”
“They think I beat her AJ and the worst part is I can see why they would think that… but I didn’t”
“I know you didn’t Nick”
“I loved her AJ, I mean I could’ve almost seen myself marrying her” Paris was my fault as well you know. Yup just chalk that up with too many tattoos, too much drinking and too much smoking. I convinced him to date her. “Go out and have fun” I said yeah this has been a real ball for him.
“You’re too good for her Nick”
“No one seems to think so, why am I always the loser?” He sighed which to me usually meant tears were soon to follow. I was getting much better at dealing with the tears now but they still made me uneasy.
“You’re not a loser”
“No you’re right I win….rah” I had to laugh at the sarcasm in his voice. “They are even blaming me for that stupid ass dog”
“Nick…stop”
“God I hated that dog AJ” I laughed again, he really did hate that dog in fact he almost stepped on it about thirty times a day not intentionally of course but Nick is such a klutz that the thing would always walk under his feet. He even sat on it once all you saw was a little pink boot sticking out from under his ass. It was like the house that landed on the wicked witch. Luckily it was okay. But yeah klutzy Nick and small yapping dogs are not a good match.
“You’ll find someone else soon enough kiddo”
“Yeah I know, but it’s always going to be the same shit but different day”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m always going to be Nick Carter ex boyfriend of Paris Hilton who had his first solo album flop and oh yeah his parents are both nuts by the way”
Before I could say something he kept going, “Oh yeah and we can’t forget that he beat her and left bruises on her but then if that wasn’t enough he broke into her house stole their sex tapes and kidnapped her dog” I started laughing I couldn’t help it. It was funny in a weird it only happens to Nick kind of way.
“Why are you laughing?”
“I’m not laughing”
“Yes you totally are laughing at my misfortune dawg!” That started me up again. He was either going to deck me or laugh right along with me and I can’t even tell you how relived I was to see him smile, “Shut the hell up AJ” He said pushing me away from him with the strength of a five year old. “I’m so glad you find my life so amusing”
I moved beside him again and wrapped my arm over his shoulder, “I’m sorry kid but you have to admit this is something that can only happen to you”
“Yeah well guess that makes me special”
“Yeah you are special” I winked at him and he smiled back, there were tears waiting to spill out of his eyes but they were successfully averted. I wanted to talk to him about his partying but I knew this wasn’t the time. We were all concerned about it not just me but the guys thought it best if I were the one to mention it first. You know the been there done that speech.
He was scaring us all with his late night partying and coming into the studio the next day with a hangover routine he had going on there for a while. He was out of control and I know that scared the crap out of me.
I rubbed at his back for a second, “Nicky, tell me what I can do to help you get through all of this”
“Shave me bald”
“Do what now?” I wasn’t expecting that answer.
He turned his body to face me, “Shave me bald”
“Okay drunk Nick can I speak to sober Nick for a second”
“Sober Nick hasn’t been home for awhile AJ” He was cracking a joke but it saddened me to know that he was right about that.
“Nick shaving your head is not the answer”
“Then what is? Tell me because I can’t handle feeling like this anymore AJ”
Once again I saw the mirror image of myself as he placed his hands to his eyes and began to cry. Angry at himself for losing it in front of me. I had been there so many times.
“How many times is someone allowed to start fresh? I mean completely over?” He asked when he gained his composure enough to pretend his burst of tears never happened.
“I don’t think there’s a limit”
“Really?” I nodded.
“I’m lost” He almost made me cry when he said that, because he sounded lost. He sounded like a five year old who accidentally walked off into the woods without his parents.
I grabbed him into a hug and he placed his head on my shoulder. “I’m sorry Nick, I’m so sorry you feel like that but it’ll pass”
After sitting in silence for a few minutes embracing each other he pulled away from me and wiped away his tears, “So will you do it then?”
“Do what?”
“Shave my head”
“Nick…that seems pretty impulsive”
“I know” He smirked at me.
“I don’t know if I want that responsibility dude”
“Come one AJ I trust you to do it”
“Man I know a lot of great hair stylists who…”
“Yeah so do I J, but I am looking at this more as a right of passage then anything else. I’m starting over, a redo”
“Nick I know you man and once I start this there’s no going back”
“I know”
“I don’t want you swinging at me after this”
“AJ it’s want I want”
“Can you write that down on a piece of paper so this way I have proof?”
“Stop being a dink and shave my head”
“New beginning?” I asked him hesitantly
“New beginning” He answered smiling at me.
“You know all the teenage girls in America are going to be crying about this right? The amount of therapy some will need…”
“Oh please AJ they don’t even care about me anymore” He still didn’t get it. I don’t think he ever would, how much everyone loves him.
“I’m telling you….it’ going to be a sad sad day in Teen People world” He laughed.
I walked over to the bathroom and grabbed my electric razor, “Are you sure kiddo?”
“I want it all gone” Boy that statement was loaded, I know we were talking about hair but he meant so much more than that.
“Are you sure?”
“Just do it AJ”
“Okay” I stood over him and put the razor on sighing myself at what I was about to do. Maybe I’d be mourning right along with those girls.
“This chunk right here…is Paris” I shaved off a spot by his ear and heard him gasp. I knew he was going to regret this.
“This chunk…this is the paparazzi” It didn’t take me long every time I buzzed I mentioned something else, mom, dad, divorce, money, solo flops, Jive, and us. I even mentioned each one of us. The very last patch of hair on his head was by his right ear. He was running his hand over the rest of his head, “Well this is it kid…one more patch to go…what should we make this one?”
“Me…make that one me”
“Okay, and this right here is for all of your mistakes, once this is gone so are they” He nodded and I shaved.
When I was done I walked him to the bathroom mirror with his eyes closed, part of me wanted to run before he had a chance to see what he looked like. I thought he looked good. Different but good.
He opened his eyes and stood there for a little bit without saying anything. I could tell there were a ton of thoughts running through his mind but honestly I don’t think any of them had to do with his hair.
“Do you like it?”
He turned and gave me a hug, “Thank you so much for doing that for me”
“Is that a yes AJ I like it or an, I can’t even answer because I hate it that much?”
“It’s only hair man…it’ll grow back”
“Yeah if you’re lucky, some of us aren’t that lucky”
“Awe then we can be the baldy brothers” I laughed at him, once again always trying to be like me.
“What do you think the guy will say?”
I smiled at him, “I think they’ll say as long as it makes you happy they’re happy”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah Nick…all we want is for you to be happy man because we love you” He seemed surprised that the words came out of my mouth but they were true.
“I love you too man”
“Hey AJ how about we go and get a tattoo together to commemorate this event?”
I looked at him and smiled, I knew he would be alright. He’d get through this fine all of it. “I have a better idea, who about we go out and buy some bandannas and hats?”
He swatted at me. I watched my mirror image light another cigarette as he ran his hand over his bald head. “Okay hats it is”
