Fallen leaves of Brown and gold…
That’s what I see when I look out in the back yard. It’s beautiful in this place; I love it here and am slightly ashamed to say I don’t want to let it go, not even for one second. I could spend hours in my backyard if I really allowed myself to, in fact just the other day my father teased me, telling me I was becoming my mother, one day we would just morph into one another and then you’d need a detective to tell the two of us apart he joked. Mind you, I didn’t tell him that I was in the backyard at the time of our phone call. Planting tulips while my son played inches away, his red shorts dirty from carelessly rolling around on the ground all morning.
It’s a classic fall day today, breezy but yet crisp. A reminder that summer has just left and soon will be another memory. Fall is my favorite time of year actually. Used to be I hated the fall, the first time I saw one of those dreaded back to school commercial’s on my television I almost wanted to spit at the screen. Fall meant school and I HATED school, with a passion, although don’t tell my son that because any story I tell him between now and our first shopping trip to buy a backpack, I plan on saying I loved nothing more than the smell of the school hallways, a scent mixed of bleach and youth.
I did the same thing to Nick whenever he would whine about having to leave his Nintendo to open a History book, I would go on and on about how awesome school was and that seemed to help make it easier on him.
In fact my intense hatred of school is a secret I have never shared with any of them. Its funny isn’t it? They know pretty much everything else about me, right down to the dirtiest little secret one could know, yet if a reporter was to ask any of the guys if I liked school they would all say yes without hesitation.
I smiled at that thought; maybe it will be one of my shocking secrets revealed while we are back together in the studio. By the way guys, I hated school when I was a kid. I can here the “duh, of course you did doesn’t everybody?” coming out of Nick’s mouth already.
It will be nice seeing them all again. It was nice seeing them in Chicago; we got so much talking done, so many hurt feelings out in the open and buried. Now we start fresh and I can’t wait. This is what I’ve always wanted, from the moment we announced our break. Together again, like we should be.
I didn’t think it would be this hard though, packing my bags getting ready to kiss my son and my wife goodbye. It occurred to me that for the last three years or so, I have never spent a night away from my wife and once Baylee was born, the same could be said for my son. We just didn’t want to do it, be the kind of couple that succumbs to the life style that so many others had. We wanted normalcy, just two people loving each other and needing each other. So where I went, she went. Now with the baby it’s the same thing; my little family that I wouldn’t trade anything for.
“Not this time around though,” I said scooping my son into my arms, his dirt now on me.
“Why do I wear white when I work in the garden?” I placed my nose under his chin and tickled him. He giggled and tried to squirm out of my arms so I put him back down.
“Silly daddy huh?”
“Yes.” A word he says often. One of the very few he can say now.
Decidedly cool, I plopped onto the ground and stretched my legs in front of me draping my jacket over my shorts as I did, “Daddy refuses to wear long pants until he has too.”
“Daddy,” Baylee echoed back to me waddling over and falling into my arms. His hair smelled so sweet and clean. I love baby smell.
“Daddy is going bye bye.”
“Bye bye.”
“Yup.” I kissed the top of my son’s head as I thought about all the work that lay directly in my path.
It was so easy to do nothing, but be a daddy and a husband, work on some Christian music and chill in a house that I had earned. I could easily retire without really having to do this all over again, but the truth is, I need to do it.
“I miss my brothers.” I said giving my son a raspberry under his neck, just like I had done so many times to Nickolas. Its weird how eerily similar I found myself noticing how things I did to Nick, I now did to my son. He was right all the times he said I treated him like a child I guess.
“But he loved every minute of it.”
“Bad.”
“Bad? Yes Nicky is bad?” I laughed; my son was going to be a chatter box, just like his mommy.
Well who am I kidding? Just like me!
“So there are my men.” I smiled without even turning around, knowing that at any minute I would feel her warm embrace from behind.
Sure enough there it was followed by a kiss on the back of the neck as she sunk down behind me and wrapped her legs around mine. She reached over me and pat our son’s head. “You are both quite dirty.”
“Yes we are. We’ve been planting.”
“Tulips?”
“Of course.”
“Are you all packed?”
“Not quite.”
“Are you going to remedy that?”
“Can’t the clothes just pack themselves?”
“I’m going to miss you.”
“I’ll miss you more.”
“Why can’t I go again?”
I picked Baylee up in my arms and together we turned to face the woman in our life. “Because we need to get to know each other again baby, it’ll probably be a little stressful at first and we all decided to get that magic back from the old days….”
“I know…. it just has to be the five of you.” She said it with disdain, but she didn’t mean to. She was happy we were getting back together as well.
I stood up using my one free hand to steady myself, and then I extended that hand to my wife who leapt up and into my arms, our child the only thing that stood between us. “Well, you better get packing or you will miss your flight.”
“I know.” She grabbed my son from me and walked back inside. I however was in no rush so I found myself once again staring at the beautiful garden I created.
I was nervous about this.
Who knew what was going to happen?
I gave the yard one more glace as I turned and went inside.
“I hate airports!” the last words out of my mouth.
I hate airports more than anything else in the galaxy, the way they smell, the way they sound, people rushing to get to places, yet not going anywhere at all. Rude flight attendants, equally rude passengers and of course the ever lurking fan; these were reasons I hated the airport. Kind of ironic I know, because I LOVE to fly. Hate airports, love flying; yup that pretty much summed me up right there.
I nervously tapped at the table my wife and I were sitting at, sipping already cold coffee as we waited for my flight which of course was delayed due to weather. Once again I tapped the table only to feel Kristin’s soft gentle hands make contact with my own.
“Would you please stop that?” I looked over at her and she was wearing a grin, trying not to laugh at my anxious self.
“Sorry.”
“Tapping the table won’t make the plane come any sooner sweetheart.”
“I know that but still…”
Now she did laugh as she went from holding my hand down on the table to interlocking her fingers in mine. “I’m going to have to leave soon.”
I stared into her eyes, “I know.”
“Everything will be fine you know.”
“I know.” I said, but did I really know?
I was really anxious about seeing all the guys again, working together doing something that had all but stopped being trendy. It seemed like a waste of time, but yet how could I so readily dismiss all we had done together as a waste of time?
“You think you’re ready for all of this Kevin?”
“God, I hope so.”
“Tell them I said hello and send my love, especially my blonde.” Kristin took quite a liking to Nick, for whatever reason which was fine by me.
“I will.”
“I have to go now baby.” I nodded and stood up; grabbing her in my arms we kissed for what felt like forever yet not long enough.
“Call me as soon as you land okay?” I nodded at her.
“Be good!” I said pointing my finger to her as she stuck her tongue out at me and walked away.
Now I could tap the table until my fingers were numb if I wanted to.
I sat down and once again found myself staring at the flight board seeing the word delayed where now boarding should have been. The longer I sat here the more apprehensive I would become. I just needed to get on that plane and then it would be on.
No turning back.
The time apart from the guys was a good thing and a bad thing for me. At first I was so bored I thought I might eat my own foot, but then the Broadway thing came up. I almost turned it down because I was terrified but I’m glad a few smacks from Kris made me change my mind. Doing Chicago gave me so much confidence, which was funny because I thought I was already kind of on the arrogant side to begin with.
The thing is Chicago made me realize that I can do this alone. But it also made me realize that maybe I don’t want to.
It was also nice, not having to be anyone’s keeper. That job was getting old by the time we parted ways. AJ had a big part in that, after seeing him deal with all his baggage, I needed a break from that big brother role. I have to admit it was fun being the little brother again, not having to worry about whether or not Nick made it home from a night of clubbing or if AJ was really sticking to his program. Not having to be the one that made sure that we all got from point A to point B together.
On the break, I only had to worry about myself and my wife and not even, because Kristin is such an independent woman.
Stepping on that plane is going to change all that, well maybe not stepping on the plane but definitely stepping off the plane.
Once again my eyes go up to that stupid board which still says delayed. I have the worst luck in the world when it comes to airports. I took a sip of my coffee and then grimaced in disgust.
“I’m in hell.”
“What did you say AJ?”
“I said I’m in hell.” I gave a half smile to my mother who rolled her eyes at me.
“You wouldn’t be in hell if you did what I told you to do.”
“I know I know… I’m wrong as always but now…”
She walked over and kissed my cheek, “Now my son, you deal with the consequences.”
And the consequence she was talking about was in the form of the ugliest mini van I had ever seen. That’s what happens when you wait until the last minute to book a flight. Your ass ends up renting a car to drive yourself to where you need to be.
“They couldn’t give me a sports car?”
“You could always just call and say you’ll be late.”
“No friggin’ way, not on our first day back.”
“Then ugly brown mini van it is,” she said closing the door for me as I tried to adjust the seat.
“Thanks you’ve been a big help.”
“Drive carefully.”
“Thanks mom.”
I started the car that was freaking sputtering! And shook my head in disgust. “I hope Carter or Rok don’t see me in this thing.” I said to myself as I backed out of the parking lot.
There was no way I was going to be the one that caused everyone to wait another day, not after the whole rehab thing. It’s hard to not feel guilty about things. When the damn break happened, I felt like it was all my fault, they had all lost momentum because of me and you know, I still think maybe that’s the case.
I was such an ass to them all, and yet they stuck by me for everything.
Even showing up to Oprah’s show which was the reason I found myself in this stinky ass van now. Shock doesn’t even begin to describe my reaction as I saw them all coming out one by one. I mean okay let’s be honest; I knew Kevin was there, that was not going to be a surprise, although I was practicing my look of shock with my mom all morning long for that one. When they all came out one by one though, that look was real. They all came together for me, yet again.
Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to have them in my life, that’s how blessed I am.
“It smells like someone died in this thing.” I opened the manual windows! Yes I said MANUAL! To get out the stench this was filling my nose.
“Jesus Christ what is this, the 1960’s? Who drives a car without automatic windows and no CD player?”
Yup if Nick or Brian saw me in this contraption, I would never ever hear the end of it. Despite my mood, I couldn’t help but smile just thinking about my friends. It will be so nice being with those guys again, even though I want to kill them sometimes, well okay Nick almost all the time, I need them.
“I can’t believe my dumb ass is driving this van.” I shook my head in disgust as I popped a cigarette into my mouth; nothing can calm a person down more than one of those things.
“I hope Kevin doesn’t get on my back about quitting again.”
“Dude you just need to take a stand, tell him to fuck himself if he gets on you about smoking.”
I laughed, “Tommy you are the shit.”
Tommy smiled and nodded, “I know.”
I couldn’t help but feel cool at times like this, where I had Tommy fucking Lee sitting on my bed as I packed a bag, telling me how he was going to miss hanging out with me while I was gone. Where were all the kids who ever beat the crap out of me in school for being so uncool?
“Thanks for the directions man.” Tommy actually gave me a key to one of his vacation houses. He told me I can stay there while I look for a place of my own, even gave me directions. I’m SO feeling like the king of the world right now.
“Not a problem bro, I’m still not sure why you are going back to them because you kick ass solo.”
“Thanks, but it’s something I got to do.”
Tommy stood up and extended his hand in a shake, “Well then do your thing.”
“You sure you don’t want to scrap my song off your album since I’m officially a Backstreet Boy again?”
“Nick, when have I ever cared about what anyone thinks?” I laughed and nodded as he pulled me towards him and gave me a noggie.
“True, good point.”
“Talk to you soon, we’ll hang when I come down next week okay man?”
“Sure.”
We hugged and just before he walked out the door he said, “Oh and Nick…quit the fucking cigarettes dude.” I couldn’t help but laugh.
Was it odd for me to say Kevin and Tommy Lee were very similar? Yeah okay it is odd for me to say, but I’m saying it anyway. They might seem like polar opposites, but they both were the same thing to me.
A big brother figure.
It’s weird how I always found myself hanging out with people who were a bit older than me, always willing to look out for me if the need should arise. I wonder why that is?
Going back to the boys was going to be so weird but I’d be completely lying if I said I wasn’t looking forward to it. I missed them, all of them. Being solo was awesome! But nothing beats the camaraderie of five guys who have known each other for as long as we have. They are my family, at least they were.
I hope that feeling is still there because if it isn’t I don’t know what I’ll do with myself. When I ventured away from them, I didn’t know what to expect, all I knew, is it was something that needed to be done. I left four guys who loved me behind to go at it all alone. Why would I do that?
I hate being alone. It scares me to death, whenever I find myself my only source of entertainment. I don’t feel safe when I’m by myself, I feel vulnerable and scared, but the guys? They make me feel safe. I’m glad I’m going back; in fact ever since we made the decision, I haven’t stopped smiling.
This year has been so hard on me, this couldn’t have happened at a better time. Truth is I need the guys more than ever before. I only hope that after all this time has gone by that they still feel the need to play big brothers, protectors and friends.
And I can’t wait to tell them that Tommy Lee gave me a key to his house. Hehehe how COOL is that?
“How cool is that?”
“I hate when you say things like that, you make yourself sound like a kid.”
“Howie, you need to ungrow up.”
“Ungrow up? Oh very nice Johnny!”
I ducked as my older brother swiped at me, in the loving way only an older brother can. “There is nothing wrong with saying how cool is that?”
“Nicky always says that.”
“Well I guess Nicky and I are both cooler than you than!”
“Right,” I said as I continued to fold my underwear carefully before packing it into my suitcase.
“So?”
I looked up when I felt his eyes on me, “So what?”
“You haven’t really said much about this, how are you feeling?”
“I’m feeling fine.”
“I mean, are you excited? You don’t seem excited.”
“I guess I just feel like maybe the timing isn’t that great, I mean we are just getting all these condos going and…”
“I can handle all that Howard.”
“I know but…”
“What’s the deal?”
I stopped my nervous folding and sat on the bed, my brother shadowed my move, just like he always did. “I guess I’m just a little anxious.”
“Why? You know these guys almost as well as you know me.”
“I know, but so much time has gone by John, what if things have changed?”
My brother put his arm around me, “You really think things would change that much? I mean what was it like when you guys had your first meeting?”
“Fine, but…”
“You’re just panicking, like you always do Howie.”
“I know.”
Johnny stood up and gave me a reassuring smile, something I always appreciated most about him. “Don’t fret over this, you’ll get back into the studio and it’ll be just like riding a bike. You won’t even feel like any time has gone by at all.” As much as I wanted to believe those words, something deep within me didn’t.
Now that probably sounds odd coming from me, the resident sweet guy of the group, but I had my doubts. When we parted it wasn’t on the best of terms, we were barely getting along at all. The only time we even spoke to each other was to either be condescending or mean.
The break was a huge sigh of relief for all of us, but after awhile I missed things. It’s not easy going from moving a hundred miles an hour to coming to a complete stop. I handled it well though, with the help of my brother. We decided to work on being businessmen and became damn good ones. It seemed like this was going to be my new life and I was finally resigned to that until we decided to have another go at this.
So yes, I was skeptical and a bit anxious, but I guess that’s all a part of life.
“Try not to burn my place down while I’m gone.”
John rolled his eyes at me, “You are NO fun.”
“We better go if we’re going to get you on that plane on time; you know not all things run on Backstreet time.”
I laughed, “I know this, let’s go.”
So we ventured out into the oddly brisk Florida air. I sucked in a deep breath of the ocean, “You know, I love fall.”
My brother looked at me as if I had ten heads, “That was random Howie.”
“I know, but I just do. I love the way it smells and looks, the leaves gold and brown.”
“Well here they are palms buddy.”
“I know, way to kill the moment Johnny.”
“Sorry, shall we go?” He asked me opening his car door as if he was my own private driver.
I stepped into the car with a ton of things whirling through my mind, hoping that when we all met up again it wouldn’t be a huge disaster.
Hope you enjoy the new one :O) Feedback would be appreciated and i'll be back on Monday with another chapter.
