It’s not all Sunshine, Roses and Lollipops
I can’t believe I was the one that was late! I am never late, well okay…maybe that’s not entirely true, back when I was younger I tended to run late for things, but once I hit the big 3-0 I barely was late for anything anymore. If I was late all the time, I never would have made that late fee to begin with. But there I was, coming in almost an entire hour later than I should have.
I blame my alarm clock, the stupid thing managed to keep hitting snooze and preventing me from waking up. Okay, so maybe that does sound like something Nick would say, truthfully it was Kris.
She surprised me with a visit and was sitting on the bed in the lingerie I had bought for her what felt like forever ago. It was so great seeing her, feeling her, touching and kissing her again. I have to admit; sometimes I was worried about committing completely to marriage. Only those closest to me would probably agree with that statement because to the rest of the world and my fans in particular, I was cool, responsible Kevin. Only a select few knew me for the sometimes fuck up that I could be.
Kris and I had a very rocky relationship and both of us were unfaithful at times when we dated but the thing is, despite all that, we always ended up together. So, after having a heart to heart about marriage with my older brother, I finally just went ahead and proposed, which I think has been the best decision I have ever made. I love this woman more than I thought was even humanly possible.
So sue me if when my alarm went off, I decided to ignore it. Instead we both laid there in each others arms and looked up at the ceiling. Small moments like that I have missed more than anything. Just lying quiet in each other’s arms, no need for talking as long as we had each other’s breathing to listen to. They’d just have to deal with me being a little late. Although, I think I’m the only one annoyed with the fact that I was late to begin with.
By the time I finally arrived at the studio, the guys had already laid down a few tracks of some songs that various people had written. They were good, but very R& Bish. As I walked in and shook off my jacket, Nick was the only one that commented on my lateness, just as I expected he would. “So…what charity is getting your money?”
“Mine of course…what’s this that we’re listening to?”
“A song we just put down…can I be honest?”
“I don’t know Nick…can you?” He rolled his eyes at my little sarcastic joke.
“I don’t think it’s us. I mean we have recorded three R & B songs already and I haven’t liked any of them. I don’t want to go in this direction for the album.” I looked at him and at first was surprised by what I saw. It wasn’t this wishy washy kid who never really cared about what we did as long as we got done so he could play his video games or go out or whatever, but instead I saw someone who really had an opinion and was going to stand by it. I liked what I saw, I was proud of what I saw minus the hint of the bruise still lingering on his eye from a few days ago.
“I don’t know, what do you guys think?” I could tell maybe there was already a heated debate about the topic going on before I came, by the way Howie’s head hung down when I asked the question.
“I like them, I think the first one was kind of boring and had no melody but the other two I like.” Brian finally admitted.
“But they all sound so typical you know what I mean? I was hoping we could go more rock on this album.”
I put my hand on Nick’s shoulder, “We said we’d try a little bit of everything so let’s do that. I’m not sure I like these songs either, at least what I’ve heard of them but I think it’s too soon to push them aside.”
“But…”
“Nick, open mind…remember?” He nodded his head in silent defeat. The kid wore his emotions on his sleeve. Maybe that’s why it was so easy for everyone in the universe to take advantage of him.
“Kris is in town.” I decided to blurt out since no one even wondered why I’d be running so late.
“Wow, that was a surprise huh? I know if you expected her, that’s all we would have heard about.” I bat Nick on the head as I made my way over to the small table where our everyday ritual of donuts and coffee sat waiting for me. This was a bad ritual, one that we need to do away with if we are going to get back into shape, but for now I will indulge.
“It was a surprise; she has three days off so I have her for three whole days. So, if you guys don’t mind I might cut out a little early today.”
“It’s fine by me.” AJ said. He had been quiet up until now, so much so I didn’t even realize he was in the room.
I made sure to look him up and down, just like I did with anyone who acted out of character. “Everything okay over there?”
He looked my way and nodded, “Fine, but I’m going out for a smoke.”
He got up and left the room, I started to follow but was stopped by Brian, “Don’t man. He’s just having a down day. He called his sponsor…” That was enough of an explanation for me.
AJ grew very close to his sponsor after he and Sarah finally called it quits. I was glad he had someone to turn to who had been there just like he was. Most importantly, he was older and more grounded and I think that’s really what AJ needed most in his life. People who would anchor him back down to the ground. I’m glad that he had that in his life, I wish we all did.
“Well, can I hear what we have done so far this morning?”
“What WE have done?” I shook my head at the blonde, he’s going to milk this for all it’s worth, but I’ll let him.
“Yes, whatever just play it back for me bonehead!” Brian laughed and watched as Nick hit the playback button and the sounds of what they had done earlier came blaring through the speakers.
Nick was right, I didn’t much like the direction we were going in either, but I decided that I would keep an open mind with everything we did for this album. We had to get it exactly right.
After the song was over, I should have made a comment about it but instead I found myself going back to AJ, “Maybe someone should go out there…make sure he’s okay?”
Nick pushed back his chair, “I’ll go, I can use some fresh air anyway.”
“Yeah like you really need more air in that air head of yours!”
“Hey! Did you guys just hear that? Howie was being mean to me. See? Everyone thinks you’re so nice but I know better.” He wagged his finger at Howie which made Howie move in to bite it.
Why do I hang out with these people?
I casually made my way out back towards AJ. I could tell he was having a bad day by how he looked when he got up this morning. Usually AJ is tailor made and ready to go by the time my ass gets out of bed, but today he looked like a wreck…aka…like how I normally look.
We made small talk over breakfast, which consisted of Fruit Loops for me and cold pizza for him, but not very much was said one way or another. I have learned over the years to pick up little signs here and there. Probably because I’m a guy who tends to think that when there is an overabundance of silence in a room, it tends to be my fault. Back when I was a kid, I’d get so paranoid; convinced the reason for the silence was because everyone was talking about me prior to my entrance. The guys would only take that and use it against me, pretending they had just got done saying something horrible about me and then winking at each other. Good lord then they wonder why I’m so messed up. It’s all their fault!
The old me would have mistook AJ’s silence as anger towards me, but luckily I’ve pretty much grown out of that phase, or maybe I’m just too lazy to care. Anyway…I knew something wasn’t right with him. I heard him on the phone with Rana and even though part of me was hurt he couldn’t tell me the things he was telling his sponsor, another part was happy he had Rana to talk to in the first place.
I wish I had that, someone to talk to when I felt like my world was coming to an end. This seems to be the new phase I have entered into, the ‘I’m jealous of everything that AJ has’ phase. True I could go see a therapist but dude, why in the world would anyone pay someone to listen to their problems? I mean if I’m going to spend money on someone I don’t know to sit with me for an hour, I’m going to get a friggin hooker, not a therapist. I could always spew out my problems to some random ho and feel better.
But then again why in the hell am I thinking about whores when I have a girlfriend who I love very much? Wow my mind’s really wandering all over the place today. What the hell was I even doing?
I stopped in the hall to briefly ponder where the heck I was going and was about to turn around and head into the studio again, when I remembered AJ. Duh!
Ever since Paris and I started dating, I have been almost senile with everything else in my life. It’s like I can’t function without being around her. The scariest part of that? I’m still not even entirely sure how I really feel about her. There are times I look at her and think ‘she’s the one’ and then other times I think ‘wow and I thought I was messed up.’ It’s so weird how women always have a way of doing that to me, weird and annoying.
But yes, getting back to AJ…
I know it’s weird, but sometimes I think he’s the only one that totally gets me and me him, at least as far as the group goes. Maybe it’s because he was young when we started to, although we really didn’t always get along back then. AJ and I really started to get super tight at around the time when Black and Blue came out. He never much ever gave me the time of day before that, but suddenly when he would want to go out and smoke or drink; it was me he motioned for to follow him.
I’d sit there next to him as he spewed out all of these random things about, sex, life, money, you name it and he would go on and on about it in detail. I think he felt safe telling me these things because he knew his secrets were safe with me. He could tell me he got so drunk that he woke up next to a dumpster and know that the next day I wouldn’t be banging on his door to go get help.
I feel bad about that but I was so young back then, I mean emotionally more than age wise. I was well aware that AJ was drinking a bit too much and probably doing other things as well, but it was just better if I didn’t admit it to myself.
I know that probably sounds like a horrible reason for us getting closer but, I am thankful that we did because I felt like out of everyone, maybe he understands me best as well.
I opened up the back door, and there he was leaning up against the gate smoking and texting someone. “Seems like this little area right here is our home away from home.”
He looked up at me when I said that. I guess it was an odd way to start a conversation but nothing he isn’t used to. I’m an odd guy; we all know this about me. “Yeah, I guess.” He answered sounding very unexcited about the sudden company.
“What are you doing?”
“What does it look like I’m doing?”
“It looks like you’re being antisocial.”
“Well, I WAS trying to achieve that before you came out here.”
“AJ, what’s the matter?”
“Nothing.”
“You seem off today, is everything okay?”
He took a final swig of his cigarette and then tossed it on the ground and stepped on it, “It’s okay to have a bad day Carter, I mean hell knows you can be a moody son of a bitch from time to time as well.”
“Okay no need to get all testy dude, I was just asking.”
He had that vicious look on his face, he seldom got like that. AJ was a pussycat and had the least temper out of all of us. I know that might shock some people but seriously it’s true, except when he got like this. I could tell he was in rare form so I decided to maybe go back inside. At least you can’t say I didn’t try.
“You know, I’ve been thinking about things…” Uh oh too late.
“Yeah? What kind of things?”
“About our living arrangement and I really think maybe its time you find your own place.”
That took me by surprise. It was unexpected and totally out of left field. “Yeah dude…sure, no problem. Did I do anything wrong?”
“No, it’s just that I want a place of my own.”
“Oh…okay. I’ll start looking today when we get out of here.” He nodded at me but now I was paranoid and worried.
I mean two things could be going on here, one – he could be trying to get me away from him because he wants to start using again and doesn’t want any witnesses…or two- he hates me. Wow, I didn’t much like any of those choices.
While I stood there trying to figure out what the hell just happened, AJ managed to go back inside but now it was me that stayed out there wishing I had a sponsor to call, maybe I’ll just call Paris instead. I suddenly felt so alone and I hated feeling alone.
I hated days like this, one minute everything is fine and dandy then the next, I’m low as low can be. I was warned about those kinds of days while in rehab and in therapy. The one big mistake I used to make which is what had caused me to relapse the first time around was I would just seclude myself from everyone. I tend to still want to do that now and it’s a struggle for me not to just turn around, get in the car and go home.
I’m not even sure what triggered this mood swing, maybe just lack of a good night’s sleep, being in the studio again or simply not having a girlfriend. Whatever the case, I shouldn’t have taken it out on Nick. I felt horrible for dropping that rooming thing on him and just as I suspected he would, he looked like a wounded puppy.
“I suck.”
“Why did you just say that?” Howie asked me as I walked into the studio. I hadn’t realized I said that out loud.
“I just told Nick about the rooming thing.”
He looked at me and nodded, “How did he take it?”
“He looked confused and upset.”
“Well, he always looks confused but I’m sure he’ll get over it though.”
“I kind of just dropped it on him out of nowhere. I feel bad.”
“Don’t…” He placed his hand on my shoulder, “You did the right thing.”
“Yeah maybe, but not for the right reason.”
“Are you okay?” I nodded at my friend, the guy I had known longer than anyone else in the room. It’s weird to think how much we have truly gone through together. Sometimes it hit me out of nowhere, kind of like this depression. All of the sudden, you’re hit with an overwhelming sense of love for a friend; I grabbed Howie into a hug which kind of surprised him.
“What was that for?”
“Just for caring.”
Howie laughed and winked at me.
“Nice to know that he gets a hug and I get the boot. Seems like two very different ways to show you care about someone.” We both turned to the sound of Nick’s voice and even though he had a smile on his face and even laughed when he said it, I knew better. He meant every word.
“Come here Kaos…let me give you a hug too.” I walked over and grabbed him in a huge hug. “You know I love you man, the moving out thing is more about me than you.”
“Oh my God it’s not like we’re breaking up AJ, don’t give me the ‘it’s not you it’s me’ speech.”
I laughed and bat him on the head but he still looked sad. Call me crazy but I hated when I made the kid sad. Seems out of my character I know, but it’s true.
“Besides, it appears that this has been a hot topic anyway huh?” That’s when I realized maybe he was standing in the room a little longer than I had assumed.
“Why do you say that?” I asked him, but he was looking over at Howie.
“Nicky…”
“Whatever, you’re right. I mean AJ shouldn’t be around me, after all I am the fuck up.”
“Jesus, no one even said anything like that…” I was quick to say but he wasn’t listening, at least he wasn’t hearing what either Howie or I were saying.
Nick smiled once again, “I’m going back in to record some more of this shitty R and B crap now. Try not to talk about me too much.”
“Nicky…” Nick really knew how to lay it on when he wanted to, especially when Howie was concerned. When Nick made his exit, Howie turned to me and had this awful look on his face. “Wow I just keep pissing everyone off these days.”
“He’ll get over it D, he’s a drama queen.”
“Says the man with the polished nails.”
“Touché.”
Howie answered with another wink and then grew serious for a minute, “You know AJ, if you need to talk, you can always come to me. Just don’t feel like you need to shut us out okay?”
“I know Howie, I’m okay really. I just woke up in a bad mood.”
“Okay…good, we better go in and try to get some tracks down.”
“Yes and maybe we should treat Carter for lunch or something.”
“Yeah, once we mention food he’ll forget about everything.”
“Man, he really is a puppy dog isn’t he?” We both laughed and walked back into the main studio where Nick was blaring through the speakers.
I looked up from the console when AJ and Howie walked into the control room and smiled at them. AJ looked a little better and I was happy about that. He had me worried when he was down, but seems like whatever Nick said to him did the trick. That made me look over through the glass window at Nicky. He was nailing his part and I just felt so proud of him. Even though he hated what he was singing, when he actually did try it, you’d think he was born to the music.
“He’s sounding great, maybe he likes this one?” I looked over at my cousin and shook my head.
“No he hates it.”
“I hate it too.”
I half laughed, “Yeah me too.”
“There have to be better songs than this to choose from right?” I looked over at AJ and shrugged.
“Howie’s song was awesome, maybe we should start recording the ones we wrote and shy away from some of this other stuff.”
“That’s a good idea Brian.”
“Thanks Howie, I get a few of those a year.”
“Yeah because at this point we might as well call our album Backstreet Boys put the world to sleep one slow and boring song at a time.”
“Hey great title Howie, I like it!” I golf clapped at him.
Nick came out of the booth a few minutes later to the sound of applause from me and Kevin. “Good job little man.”
“Kevin, when are you going to stop calling me that?”
“How’s never sound to you?”
“This song sucks ass guys. Really, we need to do something else.”
“I have a song.” We all looked over at AJ as he continued, “I’ve been working on one for a little while, I’ll make a scratch of it and bring it in tomorrow for us to look at. If you like it we can use it, if not ah well, at least I tried.”
“Excellent, well gentleman should we order some lunch?” I asked looking at my watch while my stomach growled.
“I feel like I just ate breakfast.”
“You did Kevin, but the rest of us who were here on time are ready for lunch.”
“Shut the hell up Nick.”
“What do we feel like eating?” AJ asked, “It’s my treat since I’ve been a butthead today.”
I glanced down at the ground and smiled, feeling a huge sense of relief wash over me.
“You can count me out; I am meeting up with Paris for lunch.”
“Nicky…”
“Look at is this way Howie, at least you guys can talk about me and not worry about me overhearing you.” He grabbed his jacket and slung it over his shoulder, “See ya guys in a little bit.”
When he left the room I was baffled so I looked over to Howie hoping since the comment was directed at him, he would be able to tell me what the heck that was all about.
“What was that all about?” Kevin beat me to it though.
“He overheard AJ and I talking about him.”
“Oh, was it bad?”
“I asked him to move out and basically he heard us talking about it and knows that we have all mentioned it at one point or another.”
“Oh, yeah that’s pretty bad.” I felt guilty, even though I had nothing to do with it.
“He’ll get over it.” I assured them knowing that he really wouldn’t. He’d hide it in the same place he hides all of his feelings. That place scared me.
“Sure he will.” And once again, my cousin was thinking the same thing.
“Does she even eat you think?” We all looked over at Howie and busted out laughing.
I know they all laughed when I asked that question, but I was dead serious. I mean the girl was the size of a toothpick; no one could be that small and eat real food. I was convinced she had some kind of eating disorder. Great just what Nick needs to surround himself with. Wow, I really didn’t like this girl at all.
And what was with me suddenly always pissing off my band mates? I am supposedly the nice and sweet one but so far I have managed to genuinely tick off almost all of these guys already. The only one I didn’t seem to piss off was Kevin, but I’m sure within time I’ll manage to do that as well.
“So do we want to order in pizza or something?” I glanced over at Kevin and nodded.
“I really didn’t mean to make him upset.”
“We know Howie…it happens; besides he was more upset about me than you.”
“Still…I don’t want him thinking that all we do is talk about him when he’s not here.”
“Like we’re doing right now you mean?”
Brian’s tone was sarcastic and fatherly. I know he hated when we did stuff like that. He was one to usually stay out of stuff like that, but then again so was I.
“Yeah, let’s stop. So…anyone have any thoughts to whether or not we should use some of Max’s songs?”
“I thought we were going to stay away from the overly poppy stuff. I love Max, don’t get me wrong but you know what I mean?” And I did know exactly what Brian meant. After Black and Blue and while we were discussing album concepts and ideas we all kind of decided that the days of Max Martin songs was long over. If we wanted to show everyone we had staying power and were maturing and growing with every album, the way to do that would be to go with a new sound. That direction didn’t include Max unfortunately. After hearing some of the garbage we were getting though, I was beginning to have second thoughts.
“Maybe we shouldn’t count him totally out just yet.” I said.
“Yeah, I think Howie’s right about that.” I smiled at Kevin.
“I bet Nick will be happy to hear that.” AJ said as he opened up a bottle of water.
“Yeah, too bad he already stole I Got You though. That song would have been awesome for this album!” I had to laugh at Kevin; he loved that song a lot!
“Yeah, the little shit!” AJ was quick to agree.
“We’re talking about him again.” Brian said looking at us and shaking his head.
“Maybe we’re all just obsessed with the kid.” Kevin added.
“Yeah us and about a gazillion other people.” I felt the need to add that on there before diverting the attention off of Nick and back to food.
“So Pizza Hut or Dominoes?”
I laughed as they all yelled out something different. “Why can’t anything ever be easy?”
Thanks for reading :O) See ya next Monday
