Bring in the stunt sandwich….
I stayed in my bed just staring at the walls, debating on if I should go over to Brian’s or not. I know that sounds like a babyish thing to do, but now that I knew the other guys were over there, I kind of felt jealous. Thoughts like ‘I wonder if he would have invited me if he knew I was here’ went through my mind. The same kinds of thoughts I used to have after the Black and Blue tour. You know what sucks? Having an internal struggle when Brian was concerned. I never used to do that, he was always the one person I never had to second guess.
I miss my Brian.
I sat up and yawned, okay…maybe I will go over. I mean, if I wear a pair of sunglasses no one would be the wiser…oh who am I kidding? I’m sure AJ and Howie have both told him by now that I have been battered once again.
I plopped back down on my bed. Nope I’m staying right here, besides it’s nice having the place to myself. Perhaps I’ll dance around naked…. There’s nothing wrong with some naked dancing right?
I sat up and threw my legs over the side of my very comfy bed. But first I’ll check messages. Maybe Paris called. I have to admit that I thought by now there would have been at least three messages on my phone from her, crying and saying how sorry she was for being an uber bitch.
Standing and scratching…I’ll leave where to your imagination…I walked over to check my phone. Of course there was not one single missed call on there so the calm, rational guy in me picked it up the phone and flung it across the room where it flew right out my window. If I wasn’t so mad, I would have been impressed with myself because my window was only opened a crack to begin with. That took skill, of which I am loaded with.
Instead of being impressed though I started jumping up and down and having a hissy fit. Good for me, “Son of a mother’s whore!” I walked over and threw opened the window all the way and sure enough there was the phone lying in the bushes.
“What the fuck? Is that a sandwich?” It looked like there was a half eaten sandwich in the bushes right next to it. How odd! Is AJ eating and then just flinging stuff out of the window when he’s done? Wait…maybe I did that? I kind of remember being drunk off my ass a few weeks ago and eating in my room. Did I throw it out the window?
“AHH!” I decided to grunt, because it just felt like the right thing to do and then I took a flying leap right back onto my comfy bed. That was that…I’m not leaving today. In fact, they will have to come pry me off of my bed if they ever want me to leave it again!
I can’t believe she hasn’t fucking called me! I mean what the hell is that all about? She was such a bitch to me, beat me with her damn purse and then doesn’t call me? Well then she can fuck herself!
I sat back up and put my legs over the side of the bed and stood up again, what if she tries to call while my phone is in the bushes? The last thing I need is for her to think I’m blowing her off or something. Maybe she tried to call when I was going through a tunnel? Your phone loses reception when you go through tunnels. It’s a possibility that she did and I’m getting all annoyed for no reason.
Except for the fact that I didn’t go through any fucking tunnels! “SHIT!” I said that because I kicked the bed with my bare feet. It hurt like hell.
I hate the way she makes me feel. I know I tend to be a little on the stupid side when it comes to girls but she flat out makes me retarded! Alright, that’s it…I made up my mind; I’m going back to bed.
I ran over to the bed and plopped back down this time landing with my face in my pillow. It wasn’t meant to be, that’s all there was to it. Our relationship was a disaster, I mean one second she’s nice, the next we’re fighting and I’m using her little dog as a shield. It makes no sense.
I mean I could lay here all day and make rationalizations as to why she didn’t call me back yet, she’s busy working on her show. It’s possible they have her picking up road kill or something like that. How could I expect her to call me when she’s in the middle of cleaning up dead deer?
Just then I heard something…it was faint but definitely there, the Pac Man theme which was my ring tone on my phone. I sat up and quickly ran towards the window! “Shit!!” I said once again as I stuck my head out there and tried to bend all the way to grab at it. It was just out of my reach so I bent a little but more and then…fell out the window and landed on my back.
“Okay that hurt!” I was barely able to get up as I lay in the bushes, thorn bushes it felt like. “I’m in hell.”
The phone was still ringing away so I reached over and grabbed it. She was so going to pay for this one. I will have her fulfilling all of my wishes after the way she treated me. But yes, thank God she called!
“Hey babe…”
“Nick?” Oh my God…kill me freaking now because I did not just fall out of a God damned window for…
“Kevin?”
“Are you alright? You sound like you have been crying or something.”
I rolled my eyes; yes despite the pain I was in…it’s a force of habit. I think even if my eyes were to pop out of my head, they’d still be rolling when Kevin called. “I’m not crying…Kev…this is kind of a bad time.”
“I was just checking to see if you made it home okay.”
I think I may die right here in these bushes. “Yeah…”
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
“I just fell out my window trying to answer the phone and I think I may have broken my head.”
“You did what now?”
“I fell out the window trying to answer my phone.”
“How the hell…you really fell out of your window?”
“Yes.”
“Answering the phone?”
“Yes.”
“I…do you…I mean…” Wow I rendered him speechless, now that took talent. I was really quite the talented guy today.
“I’ll be okay…a sandwich broke my fall.”
“Nick, are you on some kind of drugs or something?” I laughed which hurt like hell, but I would have probably thought the same thing if someone had just said that to me.
“No, I really fell out the window.”
“Oh my God…should I call an ambulance? Is anything broken? Are you bleeding?”
“I’ll be okay, but I should go before someone sees me laying here and thinks I’m dead.”
He sounded panicked now; I knew I shouldn’t have mentioned the falling out the window thing or the dead thing. “What year were you born?”
“Kevin…”
“Nick, answer me, what year?”
“1980.”
“Who is our president?”
“Are you freaking kidding me? Are you filling out a survey or something?”
“No idiot, I’m making sure you are okay.”
“By asking me who the President it?”
“Well? Who is he?”
“Bush! Just like the one that is sticking me in the ass right now.”
“What?”
“Nothing…Kevin, I really should go.”
“You should stay on the phone with me until help comes.”
“I don’t need help.” I said slowly sitting up and then quickly sitting back down. Okay maybe a little help, but I wasn’t about to tell him that.
“Should I call an ambulance?”
“NO! I’m okay, I don’t need an ambulance.”
“Where is AJ? Maybe I should try to find him for you.”
“Kevin…take a deep breath buddy, everything is going to be fine. Just let me go so I can get myself out of the bushes and cleaned off.”
He hesitated a few minutes, I could tell he was going over his ‘what to do when a BSB falls out the window’ page in his anal retentive manual. “Okay if you’re sure…”
I can’t believe it; he’s actually going to let me get off the phone? What the fuck?
“Yeah, I’m okay.”
“Okay, I’m going to call to check up on you in a little bit though.”
“Fine.” And that was our conversation. He actually hung up on me at that point. I thought for sure he’d insist on staying on the phone with me to make sure I got up okay. “What the fuck is going on with everybody?” I asked all confused as I continued to lie on top of a sandwich in the bushes.
Maybe she tried to call when I was on the other line…I’d better check!
I loved Brian’s house, it was so big and homey but then again I have a feeling even if it was tiny, it would still feel like home. Brian has always been like that, he could take whatever he was dealt with and make it seem like home. I’m sure it’s a quality he picked up from his mom and dad who would do the same thing. We’d always be amazed that when they’d come out and see us perform, Brian’s parents could take a hotel room and make it look like a small cottage.
“Hey D, check this out…” I glanced over at AJ who was holding a bottle of bubbles in his hand with a giant wand. Yes, you heard right…I said bubbles. And he accused Nicky of still playing with toys. They both were just overgrown children.
I looked over and watched as AJ attempted to blow a huge bubble. It did get pretty big but it popped before he had a chance to release it into the air. “Damn!”
“Sorry buddy…maybe with a little more practice.”
“I did it once before.”
“Why can I see you practicing?”
“Howie, there is no practicing involved, it takes pure skill.”
“Uh huh…where is our host anyway?”
“In the kitchen.”
I stood up, “I’m going to go see if he needs any help.”
“You’re going to miss it dude.” He said once again getting ready to blow the world’s biggest bubble.
“Just yell for me.” I shook my head as I ventured towards the kitchen.
You know, I’ve always wanted a house like this. I’m not sure why I haven’t ever bought one. I mean at one point even Nick had a house but me, I’ve always leaned more towards condos for some reason, maybe because I associate houses with families. What’s the purpose of having a house if you have no one to occupy it?
Leading into the kitchen was a wall strewn with pictures. I mean pictures everywhere and not one single one of the band. I wasn’t sure how to take that exactly, I knew Brian was always great when it came to separating work with family but in a way, that same quality he had always made me annoyed. Probably because I felt like these guys were part of my family. I think maybe he does too but not to the extent that the rest of us do.
As I entered the kitchen there he was in his apron with spatula in hand turning what I think was steak, although it was so burnt it was hard to say. I knew we should have just ordered Chinese or something. He was on the phone and nodded at me as I walked in.
“Kevin slow down…I can hardly understand you…”
Wow he had to tell Kevin to slow down? Kevin is the slowest talker I know. This means only one thing…Nick.
“He did what?” Yup…I was right. I could tell by the way Brian looked over at me with a confused look on his face.
“Kev…slow down…I’m sure he’s okay.”
“What happened?” I felt it was time to step in with the questions now.
Brian looked over at me again and place his hand over the phone so Kevin couldn’t hear him. “I think Kevin might have lost his mind.”
“Why?”
“He’s saying something about Nick falling out a window and landing on a sandwich.”
“What?”
Brian shrugged then went back to his conversation, trying his best to calm his cousin down. I think we all need to win an award for having the weirdest conversations ever.
“D!!! Come here quick!! I did it!!” Speaking of which…
Brian once again placed his hand over the phone, “What’s that about?”
“AJ…blowing the biggest bubble ever…” I shook my head and Brian laughed.
“D!!! Aww fuck a duck…you missed it!”
“Yeah Kevin…that was AJ…yeah he did say what you think he said.”
“I know…I wish he wouldn’t cuss so much too!” Brian screamed so that AJ would hear him.
That of course sent our little tattooed rebel into the kitchen to join us. I knew he’d feel like he was missing something. “What are you guys up to?” He asked me when he saw Brian on the phone.
“Just hanging, he’s talking to Kevin who seems to think that Nick fell out of a window and landed on a sandwich.” Okay…well how about we file that one under things you don’t hear everyday.
“And why does he think this?”
“Your guess is as good as mine.”
“Okay Kev…I’ll call him and make sure he’s okay. I’m sure you heard wrong though…”
It amazed me how protective Kevin was of our youngest bonehead. Sometimes it was borderline annoying. I mean, I know Nick needs guidance and is a complete and utter mess, but still…
“Okay Kev…we’ll see you tomorrow. Tell Kris we all say hello.” He hung up the phone and scratched his head, “That was a weird conversation.”
“He called to tell you Nick fell out a window?” Howie asked watching Brian as he walked over towards us with a plate of brown stuff.
“He said that Nick fell out the window trying to answer his cell phone.”
How crazy is it, that I can actually see that happening? “How come he knows this and we don’t?”
“Because he called to see if Nick made it home okay, I thought he wasn’t coming back until tomorrow.”
“I know dude, I was shocked to see him too.”
“Didn’t you tell him to come over AJ?” He looked like he was annoyed with me.
“He said he was tired.”
“She gave him a black eye again and he didn’t want you to see!” Howie added, disdain in his voice. What a tattle tale.
“What? Why does he put up with that crap?”
“I wish I knew Brian.”
“She’s probably outstanding in bed.” They both looked over at me, “What? It’s probably true…”
“I’m going to call him…make sure he didn’t really fall out the window.” I nodded at him, better to be safe than sorry.
He looked up Nick’s number then stood patiently while he waited for the blonde to answer.
“Hey Nick, no it’s Brian…sorry to disappoint you.” He placed his hand over the receiver, “He just called me baby…”
“Oh.”
“Listen…I just got a weird call from Kevin…”
“Yeah... I know she’s not pregnant, that was kind of weird too but this one was even…” he paused and his eyes grew wide. Uh oh…
“Nick, how the hell did that even happen? My God…are you okay? Who’s the President?” Brian started pacing back and forth.
“What? NO…1980 is not the president of the US…oh, he did?”
Howie and I just sat staring at Brian and listening to the conversation. If that numb nuts fell out of the window I was never ever going to let him live it down. Good thing the idiot is on the first floor. Maybe I’d have to invest in those bars that people get to keep their children from climbing out the windows.
“Do I need to call an ambulance?”
Oh God…he really did fall out the freaking window!
“What kind of sandwich?”
That made Howie shake his head again as he played nervously with his brown blob that I think was supposed to be a steak maybe?
“Look, you hang on, AJ, Howie and I will be right there…don’t move!” He hung up the phone and took off his apron, “He is outside in the bushes lying on top of a Turkey sandwich from Subway.” I swear one day when I have time…I’m going to take all of these odd and random quotes and make myself a book out of them.
“Unbelievable…” I said, but was it really?
I was speeding, trying to go through side streets to get to Nick’s place as fast as possible. So many thoughts were racing through my mind, most of them not very good. First of all, he blew me off again. If he had just come to my place for dinner he wouldn’t have fallen out of the window. Secondly, what if it wasn’t an accident?
“You don’t think he’d jump out the window intentionally do you? I mean…”
“Rok, don’t think like that.” AJ was quick to interrupt but I couldn’t help it. I know how Nick can be when it comes to women and this one is just doing things to him.
“But you said he had a black eye…he thought I was her when I called.”
“He wouldn’t do that Brian, he probably just fell.”
“Out the window, answering the phone?” I mean, come on now.
We turned into his driveway and instantly ran out of the car and towards the back where he was supposedly lying. “Nick!” I screamed.
“Over here!” I saw an arm shoot up from the middle of a rose bush…oh a rose bush…that had to hurt.
I ran closer to him and saw his feet dangling out onto the grass. It looked like the scene from the Wizard of Oz where the wicked witch of the north is just feet, although substitute the ruby slippers for bare feet.
“How long have you been lying there Nick?” I asked trying to get myself in the bushes without being pricked.
“Oh…I don’t know…a little bit, not that long.” He said, sounding oddly very calm like he did this every day of his life.
Now Howie and AJ also made their way into the bushes where we were able to slowly pick him up and get him to a standing position. He was swaying on his feet but thankfully it looked like nothing was broken. He was scratched up though, but nothing major, thank God.
“So, how did this happen again?” AJ asked once we were finally clear of the bush.
“I got mad and threw my phone out the widow.”
“Then you thought you would throw yourself out here too?”
“No Howie…actually it rang so I tried to bend down to get it.”
“Nick unless you’re stretch Armstrong, there is no way you can reach the bushes from the window.” I said looking at the long drop. I mean it was the first floor but still, we’re talking at least a 7 foot drop.
“Yeah, I got that now. I wasn’t thinking…I was just afraid it would be Paris and I would miss her call.” Wow I wanted to smack him, perhaps slap some sense into that noggin of his. He fell out a window trying not to miss a call from Paris. That is INSANE!
“Did she call?” Howie asked looking over at me with a look of disgust.
He shook his head, was he about to cry?
“No, she didn’t…unless she called on my real phone while I was outside.”
We made it to the back door where AJ was quick to open it and let us inside, of course it wasn’t locked because…duh, why would it be? I mean that would be safe and Lord knows we mustn’t be safe…ever!
We helped him onto the couch, “Are you going to be okay?” I asked him now as I sat right beside him.
He nodded, “I’m fine…sorry for ruining your little get together guys. I told Kevin not to call you.”
“I’m glad he did otherwise I would have come home to find you eaten by raccoons.” AJ said as he handed his roommate a glass of water.
“I’m such a fuck up.”
As much as I wanted to say he wasn’t, I couldn’t do it…I think he sensed that too and that made us both kind of sad.
“Well at least you saved us from having to eat whatever the hell Brian was making.”
“Those were steaks AJ, and they would have been wonderful.”
“I’m sure they would have…but let’s order out. What do you feel like having Nicky?” Howie asked our youngest member who seemed distracted as he stared at the unblinking answering machine.
“I don’t care…whatever you guys want.”
“Pizza and porn it is!”
“AJ!”
“Okay…fine…Chinese and porn and Nick you need to shower dude…you smell like rancid Mayonnaise.”
“Before you do, there aren’t any open windows in the bathroom right?” Howie asked as AJ and I started cracking up.
Thanks for reading guys! :O) lol I cracked myself up with this chapter. I hope you liked it.
