If a Swami tells you to jump off a bridge would you do it? Please?
You know, sometimes I love working with my foundation. Doing all the great things we do for Lupus and my family makes me so happy that I was able to do something worthwhile. The fact that I can honestly say that maybe something good came out of my sister’s early death helps my family cope with it all.
Sometimes though, it gets to be a bit overwhelming. I guess when I’m not working with the fellas, things are so much easier. Going on these meet and greets, cruises, bowling events etc… it’s a great way to connect with fans especially when I have nothing else going on, but for some reason this week I felt put out!
First of all, I hate having to skip a session. I was the kid who never liked to miss school unless I had the plague. Yes, one of those annoying children but it gave me an incredible work ethic. I hate to be the one to say, “Well sorry I can’t be there but I have something else to do.” This is exactly what I had to do today.
The guys don’t mind, so I’m not sure why I do but I spent my day really annoyed and pissy, especially when things weren’t going as planned. I love my sister Angie, as big sisters go, she’s awesome but sometimes she can be the MOST unorganized woman on the planet and that’s pretty much what went down. I feel like I spent most of my day just sitting there, staring at my watch and thinking of a million other things I should have been doing instead of nothing.
We got into a fight Angie and I and whenever that happens, I get so moody and just childish. My inner Nick comes out if you will. So when I got home from this ridiculously wasted day and found a message on my machine from my brother about something going wrong at one of our hotels, I just was ready to explode.
I took off to the beach and didn’t even look back. I know I should have at least called the guys to let them know I was home but for some reason, I had a feeling that wouldn’t help.
I walked down the few blocks from my place to the beach and decided to sit and watch the water. I have to say I learned that from Nick. Nothing was more relaxing than watching the waves hit rocks. Maybe I would learn how to surf. Both Nick and AJ have been trying to get me to learn for years but I always find different excuses to stay away from all that.
The thought of either of them teaching me anything is slightly terrifying.
“D!” I turned when I heard my name. You know if the fans ran into us as much as we seemed to run into each other, they’d all be happy campers.
“Hey J.” He ironically was dressed in his going surfing garb. He kind of looked like the drummer from Spinal Tap in spandex.
“What are you doing out here?” He asked me, taking a seat and placing his board right next to him.
“Just thinking…how was the studio today?”
“Eh, we didn’t get much done. I swear when you aren’t around, there is no structure. Dad let’s us go crazy and have fun. We need our mommy to make things run smoothly.”
“Excuse me…are you calling me your mom?”
“No thilly…I’m calling you all of our mom, well except Kevin…he’s the dad.”
“So you guys didn’t get anything done then?”
“Just a little bit, not too much. Is everything okay?” I guess when I didn’t laugh at his gay joke he realized I was in a pissy mood.
“I had a fight with Angie today, nothing big.”
“Oh, that sucks.”
“Yeah.” I paused for a second before continuing, “You know sometimes I feel like…I don’t know.”
“That was a great description there Howie.”
I laughed, “I feel used sometimes. You know? Because I’m famous sometimes I feel like I’m used as this thing for the benefit of my family. That probably sounds horrible huh?”
AJ looked over at me and shook his head, “No, I know what you mean. I feel like that too from time to time. I bet we all do.”
“Yeah, probably.”
“You wanna talk about it?”
I shook my head at him, “Nah…I’m really just in a bad mood. It’ll pass.”
“Okay then, I’m going to go catch some waves…” He stood up and grabbed his surfboard. “Watch me go!” He said as if he was 5 and I was his dad…I mean mom. Jerk. I hope he eats some water after that mommy remark.
I did watch him though as he tried wave….after wave….after wave…wow he really sucks. I’m not letting him teach me how to surf. I’m pretty sure Baylee could surf better than he does.
Blindfolded.
“Daddy wook at meeeee!” My curly haired son said as he swung on his swing. I sat on one of my lounge chairs and watched as Leigh pushed him. He giggled every single time, I love his laugh. Seriously it’s the one sound that no matter what kind of mood I’m in, once I hear it I’m recharged for the day.
“Nice job Baylee!”
“Thanks!” He giggled once more as he continued to swing.
I’m so glad we bought him a little playground for the backyard. He needed to be outside more and we both decided that taking him to the playground was sometimes a little too risky. It’s not like a bunch of fans came up to us all the time or anything, it’s just that nowadays, I just feel better to have my child play in his own backyard. It’s a very scary world out there.
“Higher mommy!” He yelled and once again I had to smile.
“Okay honey it’s time for mommy to take a break…go play in your sandbox.” She helped Bay off the swing and he waddled over to the sand box without a moment’s hesitation. My kid definitely has as much energy as his old man, that’s for sure.
Once he was safely tucked away in his own little mound of dirt, which is the funniest thing in the world to me by the way…not to go off on a mini tangent or anything but I always found it hilarious that Leigh’s biggest thing is keeping our son clean and then she is the one who always tells him to go play in the dirt…anyway once he started playing she walked over and placed her head on my shoulder.
“It’s really nice out tonight isn’t it?”
“Yup.” I placed my arm around her.
“I was thinking maybe we can go for a walk and get ice cream or something.”
“Sounds good to me babe.”
“Good…” She drifted off as she watched Baylee playing in the box, shoveling sand into his dump truck and them dumping it back into a huge pile on his lap.
“He loves to get dirty…he must get that from you Brian.”
“Probably…” I bit my bottom lip, “Leigh…what do you think about me inviting Nick over one night this week?”
“Just Nick?”
“Yeah…it’s been a long time since it was just the two of us you know?”
“The last time you guys went out he ditched you.” I hated how her voice changed when we talked about Nick. You know I never got what the deal was between them. Why Nick had so much animosity towards my wife but for some reason, she hates him. She always has.
“He had a lot on his mind.”
“He always has a lot on his mind.”
“I know…that’s why I want to invite him over. I thought it would be nice. He sees us invite AJ over all the time and Kevin. I just thought it would be a nice change.”
“If you want to, that’s fine.”
“I only want to, if it’s okay with you.”
“I have no problem with that, as long as he doesn’t drink and cause a scene or anything. I don’t want Baylee to have to see that.”
“Oh come on Leigh…”
“What, you can’t tell me I’m being irrational.” She was right; nowadays I couldn’t tell her that at all.
“That’s why I want him to come here. I think it’ll do him some good to hang with me for a little bit.”
She sighed, “I think you’re probably right. So when do you plan on inviting him so I can hide all the breakable stuff.”
I laughed at her, every time Nick came over to our place he always managed to break something. “That’s a good idea and I was thinking maybe next Friday after we’re done recording.” She nodded at me as she stood up.
“I am going to go get the munchkin cleaned up so we can take our little walk.”
“I love you Leighanne.”
“I love you too babe.”
“I Love you too!” We both giggled when we heard that little tiny voice from the sand box.
I really just wanted to be alone. AJ decided that he wanted to go surfing after our session and practically begged me to come with him. I love my surfing time but for some reason, I was in a melancholy mood and that isn’t ever a good way to be before surfing, so I passed and decided that maybe some quiet time would be great. Just me, the TV a pizza and beer, perfect together.
I plopped on the couch and started flicking through the channels, hoping maybe I’d catch a game since it was still a bit early for Skin a max and naked clowns juggling. Although is it ever too early for naked, juggling clowns?
Being alone would be a good thing. I have to learn to be comfortable with just myself. I am pretty sure that’s my biggest problem. I always have to be around people. I glanced over at my phone to check to see if anyone had called. I had three messages from Bean, one from Chris, wow Brian called me and… “Paris called again.”
I was really determined not to call her back ever again. In my head I decided that talking to her would be a very bad thing. So why was I dialing her number?
I’m pathetic…
She picked up on the first ring but instead of sounding excited to hear from me, she sounded cold. “You called.” I can sound equally as cold if I want to and right then and there, I did want to.
“Yeah…look Nick…I have been doing a lot of thinking about our relationship and well I talked to Xavier and he said our planets would never actually align.”
Xavier was her Swami and yes those things really do exist. I know I thought they were just cartoon characters too.
“So what does that mean exactly?”
“He thinks we should break up.”
“Your Swami?”
“Yes.”
“Your Swami told you to break up with me?”
“He advised me that it would be a good idea.”
“Hrmm….well MY Swami told me the same thing only he didn’t mention planets. He said something like, Nick you should dump her ass because she’s a cheating whore!” Okay I know that wasn’t very nice, but I wasn’t exactly calm.
“Nick, that’s not fair.”
“What’s not fair? That you fucked a cameraman? Yes I would agree.”
“You mean to tell me you never cheated on me?” I can’t say no to that exactly. It’s not like I ever had sex with someone else while we were dating but I definitely fooled around.
“I didn’t think so…” She said after a few minutes of silence.
“Can’t we maybe work things out?” Why was I doing this? Didn’t I just say that I needed to never speak to her again?
“Nick, you’ve been fun and all but it’s time to move on. No offense…but I’m better than you. We just have nothing in common.”
“Did your Swami tell you that too?”
The next thing she said hurt me more than anything else. “He didn’t have to Nick…it’s just something that everyone is aware of. I mean come on…you’ve seen the headlines and you hear what people say about us. You’re bringing me down.”
I wanted to say so much. I had so many things going through my head all screaming in my brain which was giving me a headache but I only nodded in agreement. She was right, I was a loser. “So, I guess this is goodbye then?” I asked with a shaky voice. I can’t believe I was upset enough to want to cry.
“Yeah…so…bye, I guess.” She said and then hung up. Funny how quickly things change. We went from talking marriage to a bye, I guess.
I just sat there with the phone in my hand, playing back the last conversation I was ever going to have with the love of my life. I truly did think she was the one, I told AJ one night as we sat on the roof. Don’t tell Brian or Kevin we did that by the way. They’d freak out!
Anyway…I told AJ I was sure I was going to marry Paris. We just seemed to have such a connection. Like no one I have ever met before. He told me I was probably wrong and that I instantly want to marry every girl I feel a connection with. Pfft! Like he should talk, right? But in this case he was right and I’m sure he’ll love calling me out on it and saying I told you so. In fact, I can see them all having a party while I’m feeling miserable.
They won’t be surprised in the least, “Of course she broke up with you…you ARE a loser Nick! I mean God, you can’t do anything right.”
As my thoughts continued to swirl I found myself getting mad at the guys. As if they were really saying the things I was hearing them tell me in my mind. It’s a good thing AJ wasn’t there because in the sorry state I was in, I probably would have decked him.
They will be happy about this and that’s what sucked. I didn’t want them to be happy about it. I wanted them to understand what I was going through. But it’s always different when it involves me.
“Fuck you all!” I said to my empty house.
I decided to call Bean and invite him out to my place for a little while. I could use a friend right about now, someone who would understand without saying, “I told you so.”
By the time I finally got out of the water, my hands looked like prunes. You know as much as I love the thought of surfing I’m actually quite bad at it. I’m sure that would probably shock most people but yes, I’m not the best athlete in the world, especially when it comes to water sports. Now put a golf club in my hand or a bowling ball and no one stands a chance.
Howie was still sitting where I left him when I got out of the water. I was sure that he would get tired of watching me fall, and leave. He seemed really down and I hated seeing Howie down.
“Good job out there.” He lied as I sat down next to him. My back hurt. I was going to be walking like an old man tomorrow.
“I suck.”
“You’ll get better with practice.”
“Howie, that is with practice.”
“Oh…okay, then you do suck.”
“Here ya go D.” I looked up to see Kevin handing Howie an ice cream cone.
“Oh great, tell me you weren’t watching.”
Kevin smiled devilishly, “Yes I was…fine job AJ.”
“Shut up!”
“How come you didn’t take Nick out here with you?”
“Because Nicky didn’t feel like coming out to play.” I pouted. I practically begged the kid to come with me but he dissed me.
“He probably didn’t want to see you continually wipe out.”
“He wipes out as much as me thank you very much.” I rolled my eyes at Howie as he smiled.
“I’m sure he does….so where is he then?” Kevin was doing it again. Whenever Nick was in these weird cycles in his life, you know the ones where we all knew at any minute his world was going to come crashing down but he had no clue…type of cycles. Kevin would become obsessed with sticking around the kid. Of course the funniest part about that was he would never admit that. But we all knew that’s what would happen.
It was cute in a weird older fan stalker, creepy kind of way. If he heard that, I would get such a kick in the head.
“He’s at home, watching television. Probably farting on all my stuff and laughing about it.”
“How sad is it, that I can picture that.” Howie added.
“So, he’s all alone then?”
Howie and I looked at each other, yup I’m good. “You should go over and keep him company Kev.”
“Aren’t you going back home?”
“In a little bit…I’m going to try my luck out in the ocean again.”
He looked over at Howie, “You wanna come?”
“Nah, I think I’m just going to head home, I’ve had a frustrating day.”
“I’m sure you and Angie will work through everything.” I knew Howie was going to tell Kevin the entire story. I’m not sure why he always did that, opted to not get into it with me but then tell Kevin everything. They both did that to each other. I guess as long as he gets it out, that’s all the matters. But yeah, I’m jealous.
“Thanks man…”
“See you later then AJ.” He smiled at me as he turned and walked back to the boardwalk.
“Did he just happen to be passing by too?”
“Yeah, he was out walking when he saw me sitting here.”
“You sure you’re okay?” I asked one final time, even though he did appear to be happier.
“I’m good AJ. Thanks for asking though.”
“I’m going out there again.”
“Be careful okay? I don’t feel like playing David Hasselhoff today.”
“You are way way waaay sexier than him anyway Howie.”
“Thanks but you shouldn’t be talking about your ‘mommy’ in that way.”
“My mistake.”
He gave me the finger to which I blew him a kiss. Then it was off to surf once again.
I decided to pick up a pizza and a video from Blockbuster as I made my way to Nick’s place. A good night of male bonding will be fun. I didn’t want him being alone, not when he was as moody as he has been. For as long as I’ve known Nick, which has been a long ass time now, he’s always done his stupidest things when he was in moods like this. Usually after having a fight with a girl or breaking up with a girlfriend.
One night shortly after he and Mandy broke it off, I swear to God I saved the kid’s life. He’s lucky I showed up to his hotel room when I did because he had taken a sleeping pill or two and was in the bathtub. When I got there I knocked and knocked on his door but he never answered so of course I let myself in. Back then, I was always given a key to Nick and AJ’s rooms.
He was sleeping in the water with his head fully submerged.
The thing is, he takes those sleeping pills when things become overwhelming like now. I know I shouldn’t worry so much. It’s not like he’s a teenager anymore but he is to me.
I walked over and knocked on the door and tried the knob, I was surprised to see it was actually locked this time. “Good boy.” I uttered under my breath as I rang the doorbell once again.
He finally answered after about ten minutes. “Are you deaf?” I asked. I know it’s probably not the smartest way to start male bonding night but I couldn’t help it. I was annoyed. I need to ask AJ for an extra key. I wonder if he’ll give me one.
“I wasn’t expecting anyone. What are you doing here?” He looked like he had been crying. That’s usually not a good sign.
“I thought I’d bring some pizza and hang out with you. Is everything okay, you look upset?”
“She broke up with me.” He hung his head down when he said that.
“When?”
“Today…just a little bit ago.” He opened the door and let me inside and there on the wall was a pizza…just sitting there, stuck and slowly sliding down to the ground.
“I see you already ordered a pizza.”
“If you are going to say I told you so, best keep it to yourself or you’ll be joining my pizza.” He said in his toughest, ‘I’m a big man and I can destroy you’ voice. Although it’s also his ‘I need a hug’ voice. It’s kind of like Winnie the Pooh trying to cop an attitude.
“I won’t say that…I’m sorry Nick. I know how much you loved her.” He seemed surprised at my reaction and immediately let go of all his emotions as he started to ball his eyes out.
I hate Paris Hilton; someone needs to throw a pizza at her.
“Come here buddy.” I said as I pulled him into a hug. “You’ll get over her.”
“Her Swami told her to dump me.”
“What?”
“I’m such a fucking loser.”
“She has a Swami? Can she even spell Swami?”
“Kevin, that’s not helping.”
“Sorry…Nick you’re not a loser. She’s the loser.”
“Oh please.”
“It’s the truth.”
He pulled away from me and wiped his eyes, “Whatever…it’s done and over with. I’m sure you’ll all be happy about that. Maybe you should go bring your pizza over Brian’s house and have a party.”
There’s that Winnie with an attitude again.
“None of us will be happy about this Nick. We all know how much you cared about her.”
He sighed as he stared at the pizza on the wall. What a mess this kid was, I swear if I get my hands on Paris…ugh!
“AJ’s going to kill me when he sees that.”
“This place is so messy he won’t even notice.”
That made him laugh, thank goodness, but just for the record, it was messy. That was not a lie.
“You go sit and relax, I’ll clean it up.” I said as I led him to the couch, just like I used to when he was a teenager.
“I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.” He whispered.
I pat his back, “I know little man…I know.”
He plopped down on the couch and buried his face in a pillow as I got to work on cleaning the pizza off the wall.
Thanks again :O)
