Me against the world
I watched Nick for the entire drive over to the studio. He kept worrying his fingers around the frayed ends of the string hanging down from his hoodie and his foot was shaking a mile a minute. Basically every single nervous habit he had was going all at once, poor Nicky.
I was always so bad when it came to stuff like this. I was barely able to handle my own drama, let alone anyone else’s. Thank God my life didn’t see half the drama his did. I’m not sure how I would be able to take it. Granted, a lot of that drama he creates himself just by his actions, but we won’t go into that right now.
Today he just needs a friend or two or maybe four and if it’s one thing Sweet D knows how to be, it’s a friend. A great one even, so I took out some gum and handed him a piece.
He looked at me and smiled, “Thanks D.”
“Everything will be okay Nicky.”
He looked away from me and once again started shaking that foot of his. “Yeah.” He answered, not quite sounding as confident as I was.
“Did Bean ever bring you your car back?”
Funny, how in all the excitement we had forgotten about Bean, until AJ asked that question.
“No, he’ll bring it back eventually…that’s just the way he is. He never came back last night. He probably figured I was with Paris and didn’t want to bother you.”
“How considerate of him.” AJ said under his breath, but loud enough for us to hear.
“I haven’t even tried calling him since all of this happened. He probably has no idea.” Nicky said as he shifted in his seat and ran his fingers through his hair.
“I hate when I’m the only one in the front seat. I feel like I’m driving a taxi.”
“Come on AJ, secretly you know you love it. I know a part of you has always wanted to be a taxicab driver.”
He turned to give me a look, which I was quick to return with a smile. “You could have sat up front you know.”
I put my hand on Nick’s shoulder, “I know but frankly, AJ’s driving kind of scares me. It’s safer to be back here with you.”
“If I had known today was pick on AJ day, I would have dressed for the occasion.”
Nick and I both laughed just as the subject of our ridicule turned into the studio’s back entranceway. I let out a deep breath and said a quiet prayer, asking that no one be waiting for us at the doors. Luckily there was still no one there.
Thank you Jesus!
“Just any other day guys…” AJ reminded us as we piled out of the car and made a run for the back door.
We were immediately greeted by Brian and Kevin who led us into the studio which was also furthest away from all windows and doors. “I thought it would be best if we stayed back here for now.” Kevin said as he sat down.
“Maybe we should think about calling Marcus again?” it’s a thought that has actually been in the back of my mind for awhile now, the idea of getting our old security team back. I mean, things were different now as far as mobs and such, but still…I didn’t like the idea of us not being completely protected. We lived in a very dangerous world, as my sisters all liked to point out whenever I spoke to them. Yeah okay, they made me paranoid.
“That’s not a bad idea.” Kevin agreed. Leave it to Kev to always agree with me.
“Maybe we’ll call them today.” Brian glanced over at me and nodded his approval at my suggestion.
“Guys…can we not talk about it for now? I want to get to work and just not think about it for a couple of hours, okay?”
“Sure thing Nicky.” I once again placed my hand on his shoulder. One thing about Nicky, every time he was feeling down or insecure he always needed some form of human touch to make him feel better whether it was a hand on the shoulder, or a hug. Sometimes something as simple as letting him rest his head on my shoulder would do the trick, at least when he was a kid.
Now that he was older, his sense of ‘human touch’ changed from us to women. Not a huge shocker there, but I have a feeling that’s how he always managed to end up in these horrid relationships. When things go wrong in Nick’s life, instead of turning to us, which he always used to do, he turns to one night stands and hanging around his no good, loser friends who encouraged him to always do stupid things.
Nicky has no self control.
That’s why we do worry when he drinks because he has no internal clock telling him to stop, exactly like AJ. But now, I’m just going off on a whole new level of worrying. I swear I am beginning to turn into Kevin and I’m not sure I like that very much.
I smiled when I felt a head fall on my shoulder. He was chewing the gum I have him like a cow as he sighed, “My life sucks D.”
“Things will get better, I promise.” I said, lovingly placing my own head on top of his.
“I hope you’re right.”
Me too…I thought to myself just as Kevin stood and clapped his hands together, signaling the start of our session.
The session we had was pretty productive considering how distracted we all were. Maybe not all of us, I admit even I had forgotten about what had happened by lunch time. Nick’s spirits were high and he was even making jokes. I also think he did some of his best work to date. While in the booth he was focused and calm and sang his heart out on one of the songs Max had sent to us. All in all I’d say it was a pretty good day, but now that it was coming to an end, I noticed a change in his demeanor once again.
Part of me wanted to tell him to come home with me. Have him for dinner and even to spend the night. Anything would be better than having him go back to his place where Bean was waiting for him.
Bean called about an hour and a half into the session and since Nick was busy singing his butt off, I got to take the call. He seemed completely clueless to everything that happened but when I told him he also didn’t sound shocked. He actually laughed! Do you believe that? He actually thought it was funny.
He said he ended up at some girl’s house for the night. It took him most of the morning to figure out where he even was. He was bragging about it like he was a college kid. He’s my age! I just kind of laughed along, the whole time rolling my eyes and shaking my head at him. I told him that I’d tell Nick he called but that we’d probably be in the studio until really late. He said he would be going out but if they were lucky, they could hook up at a club later.
Yeah, that’s just what Nick needs to do now. Go clubbing!
The evil, sinister Brian in me, thought about not telling Nick at all. Having it accidentally slip my mind until it would be too late for him to do anything about it anyway. Unfortunately the other Brian that lived inside of me, you know the one who is working on a Christian record? Yeah that one, he usually won out when it came to making judgment calls these days. Boo to him!
One thing that did please me though, was Nick’s reaction when I told him about the clubbing part. He actually shook his head. Was it possible that maybe he was outgrowing Bean? One could only hope, right?
So as we were getting ready to leave the studio, I looked over at him and out of curiosity asked, “What are your plans for tonight?”
He seemed surprised that I was the one asking that question and for a second, it made me sad. Things really had changed between us. I hated that, I really did.
“I don’t know…I’ll probably go home and do some serious wallowing.” He cracked me up.
“Wallowing…kind of like a pity party for one?”
“Yeah…you’re welcome to come over and keep me company though.” He had a hopeful look in his eyes.
“What about Bean?”
“He’ll be out partying. Believe me… Bean doesn’t like to be anywhere near me when I’m wallowing.”
“I’d like that then.”
“Really?”
I nodded at him, “Of course really. I’ll just have to call my wife and let her know I’m going out to play tonight.”
“Don’t tell her it’s with me.” I laughed, but he was right. I didn’t want to tell her that at all.
“Are you ladies making plans without me?” AJ asked sounding disappointed.
“I’m coming over to your place to hang tonight.” I said, wrapping my arms around Nick and giving them both a cheesy smile.
“Excellent! Maybe we can play poker or something.”
“Sounds like a plan to me, he sucks at poker.” I nodded at Nick, already knowing how badly AJ sucked at card games.
The thing with AJ is; he thinks he’s got this straight poker face, but in reality, he can be read like a book. I love playing poker with AJ.
“Hey! Not true…I think you just cheat.”
“I don’t have to when I play against you.”
“What are you all arguing about now?” Howie asked walking up behind us and kicking me in the butt for some reason.
“We were discussing how badly AJ sucks at poker.”
“Oh, yeah…you’re pretty bad J.”
“You know what…screw you guys...I’m going home.” He said as Cartman which cracked us all up. That boy watches entirely too much South Park!
“You wanna come over too Howie?”
He put his hand to his chin and then smiled, “Sure…count me in. I can stand to win some money.”
“What about you Kev?”
Kevin was walking past us and stopped when I asked him that. My poor cousin always entered our conversations midstream and was almost always lost. “What about me?”
“We are all heading to Nick’s to play poker, you want to join us?”
“I’m sorry buddy…Kris is actually coming in tonight. She moved up her flight. How about a rain check? Maybe the three of us can do something another night?” He directed his answer at Nick who nodded and smiled at him.
“Sure, tell Kris I said hello, okay?”
He nodded, “Hey Brian, are you going back with AJ then? Or do you need me to drop you off?”
“I’m good. I can ride with them.”
“Yeah, I won’t actually feel like a cab driver this time.”
“Have fun guys, see you all tomorrow.” He gave us each a handshake but when he got to Nick, he grabbed him in a hug and whispered something in his ear and whatever it was, made him nod.
“Bye guys!”
“Buh bye!” I said in my best airline stewardess voice.
Now all I had to do was tell Leighanne I wouldn’t be home.
I took a deep breath and made the call.
Okay so maybe I do suck at poker and basketball but at least I am the best golfer in the universe. We should have done that instead. What the hell was I thinking? Playing poker with these guys! I take that me sucking at poker thing back…clearly they all just cheat their asses off!
“Hello AJ…earth to AJ…how many cards do you want?” I stared down at my crappy hand. I would have loved to give them all in and start over but then if I did that, they’d for sure know I had crap and besides, that was against the rules. I could go for 4 but again that would make my sucking more obvious so I finally put one card down on the table.
“Are you sure?”
I looked over at Brian, “Yeah.”
“Because you can take some more time if you need it. I mean I would like to make it home before Baylee leaves for college but…”
“Hardy har har.”
“Nick?”
“Two.” He threw his cards down in a matter of seconds. What the hell?
“Dealer takes three.” Brian said throwing down three cards and giving himself three more.
I picked up my one card and looked at it. It was a 2 which meant now I had a pair of them. Go me! They all did the same and I was careful to watch them all as they debated on whether or not to stay in the game. By all rights, I should have folded because well my hand is probably the worst one you could have but I barely won anything tonight and I was tired of handing over all my money to Carter.
Howie was quick to throw down his money, “I’m in.” He said confidently and winked at me. Damn him and his winky eye.
“Me too.” I didn’t hesitate that time and threw in my money.
“Nick?”
“I’m in and I’ll raise you.” He put more money in the pot and gave me one of his smirks. Damn him, he knew I was bluffing.
“Well I’m out then.” Brian said as he threw his cards on the table.
“Me too.” Howie said as he did the same.
Nick looked over at me, “Well?”
“Dammit! Okay fine…I’m out!” I threw my cards down as Nick reached for the chips in the middle of the table.
“What did you have anyway?”
“Nothing.”
“Are you shitting me? You’re such a little shit!”
He shrugged, “Sorry…it’s not like we’re playing high stakes poker or anything.”
“Yeah it’s a good thing too; otherwise you would own the deed to one of my hotels by now.”
We all laughed as Howie grabbed his Coke and took a sip. None of them were drinking alcohol tonight. They always asked me if it was okay but today I was having one of those doubting myself moods so they laid off. Actually I’m glad because I knew that if they did drink, I’d end up babysitting a drunk Nick all night long.
“Thanks guys, for taking my mind off things tonight. I really appreciate it.” Nick nonchalantly said as he grabbed for the bag of chips off to his side.
“I’m glad we were able to help.” Brian placed his hand on Nick’s shoulder. I was glad that Brian actually was able to come, I am pretty sure I heard him arguing with his wife as we were getting ready to leave the studio.
“I’m just sorry that I keep bringing you guys down.”
“This wasn’t your fault Nick, you couldn’t have any idea that she would do something like that and besides…it seems to have already blown over.”
I hesitantly nodded at Howie. Good old Howie D was always so positive. Just because we haven’t been swarmed all day doesn’t mean it’s all over. In fact, we told the receptionist at the studio not to allow any calls to come in, and I shut off the phone and we haven’t put on the television or looked at any magazines or newspapers. So yeah, in our little galaxy, it was all said and done. Too bad everyone didn’t live in our galaxy.
Like Nick’s boneheaded friend Rob!
He walked in at almost midnight, which was early by Rob standards. “Hey guys!” The smell of alcohol on his breath was almost intoxicating. I swear if I stood next to him long enough I would have ended up relapsing just by second hand breathing.
“Dude…everyone thinks you’re a fucking wife beater!” And what a great way to make an entrance.
“What?”
“That’s all I friggin heard in the clubs. Everyone was talking about you beating the shit out of Paris.”
I looked over at Brian and shook my head at him. Maybe there was a way we could drown this stupid ass in Nick’s pool later. No one would notice…
“They are?” Nick tried to act all calm and collected but you could tell by his hands alone that he was losing it. They were shaking, pretty badly.
“Shit yeah…Nikki was at one of the clubs I was at and you had to hear the stuff she was saying about you.”
“Nick, don’t let it bother you.” I said, trying my best to give Bean some kind of shut the hell up sign.
“The club said they were banning you from there permanently.”
“Let them…who gives a fuck?” Nick said as he stood up and in one sweeping motion, knocked all the poker chips off of the table. He then hit the wall with his fist but it wasn’t a hard one. It was one of those slow motion, ‘why is this happening to me?’ kind of punches culminating in him placing his head against the wall.
“Pffft…Nick don’t let all this shit get to you. We can find other places to party and as for fucking Paris…she’s a whore.”
Nick nodded but the damage had been done. He looked at all of us and I could tell he was embarrassed by his actions. “Sorry about that guys.”
Brian and Howie both stood up and helped collect all the chips as I watched Nick walk out of the room, “I’m heading to bed. I guess I’ll see you guys tomorrow.”
“Night buddy.” I waved at him, but he didn’t even look up.
“You guys were playing poker? Cool!” Bean said taking a seat at the table and sticking his hand in the bag of chips.
I made it to my room just in time. I didn’t want them to see me lose it again. I’m always losing it in front of them. I locked my door and slide down to the floor with my back braced firmly against it as I started to cry like a baby.
“I’m a horrible person.” I said to my empty room, because right at that moment, that’s what I felt like, a horrible person.
I was feeling so sorry for myself it was almost pathetic. As pathetic as everyone seemed to think I was. Paris had called me a loser so many times and when she didn’t, countless magazines, reporters, and even people I had only met a few times did. How could they all be wrong?
You know what I would like to happen? That just once, someone would stick up for me. You know? When someone calls you everything under the sun, instead of nodding in agreement, I would love if for once someone said “Not Nick…he would never do something like that.”
I know the guys would, I’m not even really talking about them. I’m talking about the masses in general. Everyone in the universe seems to be against me in one way or another. I know I’m famous and I know It’s not supposed to bother me, but I’m sorry…you can only hear so much about yourself before you start believing it all.
I know I’m dumb, I know my family is messed up and I know that I’m white trash. I know I don’t have the best voice in the world and I know that I probably don’t deserve all the good things that happen to me and I know that I drink and party too much. I also know that I have a heart and I have a soul and that every time crap like this happens my heart breaks a little and my soul fades a little.
I just don’t get why it’s always me against the world?
I took a few deep breaths as I bat my head against my door. I’m not even sure how to fix this. No matter what I say, that speculation will always be out there. Now on top of everything else, I was a physical abuser of women. Just one more thing to add to my incredible resume, filed right behind biggest flop for a solo album and cry baby.
“Nick?” Brian called from behind the door. I knew one of them would be up to check, you know just in case I fell out an open window again. As much as I wanted to let him in and lean on his shoulder and cry, like I always used to when I was younger, I just pretended not to hear him until finally, he just walked away.
I must have sat in that same position for over an hour. I heard the guys leave, I saw the lights as they pulled out of the driveway and I heard Rob say goodnight to AJ who had the television blaring in the living room. I didn’t have the energy to even stand up and go to bed, so I just reached over and shut the light and there I just sat, all night long in the dark, with only my thoughts to keep me company.
