The Midnight Adventures of Nick and Brian
“Do you remember the time when we snuck out of the hotel room and went to go get donuts?”
I looked up from my position on the floor and nodded at Nick. He continued when he saw I had his attention, “Way back in 95 or so?”
“We got into so much trouble for that!” I answered him. He seemed delighted I remembered what he was talking about. I don’t know how he could think I would forget that.
Nick laughed, “No kidding! I remember my mother calling me up and bitching me out for about an hour.”
“Well, we wouldn’t have gotten caught if you hadn’t forgotten to take the key with you!”
“I can’t believe you are still blaming me for that!”
“Why wouldn’t I? It was all your fault Nick.”
“Why on earth would you even have entrusted me with the key in the first place? You had to have realized I would have forgotten it.”
“Duh, if I thought you were going to forget it, I would have brought mine with me.”
“That’s when they gave us all a curfew.”
“And when Kevin decided that we shouldn’t room together anymore.” I shook my head again just remembering the hell of that night. It was probably one of the only times that I got into as much trouble as Nick did. Who would have thought an innocent trek to Dunkin Donuts would have resulted in such mayhem, but it really did. That’s when I knew we were probably a little more famous than I gave us credit for. “Why did you even bring that up?” I asked him as he sat Indian style across from me crunching on some Potato chips.
“I was just remembering that last part you said.”
“The Kevin part?”
He nodded at me, “I think that night was the first time I ever spent all alone in a hotel room.”
“Really?”
“Uh huh, I think I was like 15 or something that’s young to be alone in a hotel room.”
“Wasn’t your uncle out with us?”
“Yeah but he wasn’t around. I had a panic attack that night.”
I bit at my bottom lip, a habit I thought I had broken but apparently I was wrong…unless Nick brought it out in me. I used to do it all the time when I knew we were going to end up doing something that would result in him getting into trouble. I always felt bad about that. No matter what the two of us did, he would be the one to suffer the consequences. He never ratted me out, ever.
“You never told me that before…was it bad?”
“I thought I was having a heart attack.”
“I’m surprised you didn’t call me.”
“Your phone was busy. I thought you hated me and took your phone off the hook…I spent the night locked in the bathroom and slept in the tub.”
I didn’t mean to, but I busted out laughing, just picturing this scrawny little kid freaking out and sleeping in the tub cradled around a pillow in a fetal position. He always slept in a fetal position. Poor kid, seriously.
“You never told me any of that before.”
“Because I knew you’d make fun of me and looks like I was right… jerk!” He pouted but then quickly smirked at me.
“If I recall I ended up rooming with you the next night.”
“Yup, I ended up getting my way.”
“Actually I think it’s because Kevin knew he’d end up having to room with you.”
“Yup, well whatever works I say.”
I motioned for him to throw me the bag of chips to which he did and they landed right in front of me spilling out all over the floor. I felt like a teenager again, it was liberating really. I just shrugged off the mess which seemed to please Nickolas Gene greatly. “Wow if Leigh was here would she be flipping out?”
“Not really…” I lied. I mean she wouldn’t have been flipping out about the mess. She would have been flipping out about everything else, including me playing Nintendo until all hours of the night with Nick and eating chips way past midnight…which it was by the way.
“AJ would, I swear he’s worse than a wife!”
“Are you kidding me? He’s as much of a pig as you are.”
“I’m not a pig; I’ve gotten better in my old age.”
“I’ve been to your place Nick…you guys are a mess!”
“I think we should prank him, you want to?” The look on his face made me laugh. It was that same young, innocent look he always had when he thought he came up with the best plan in the universe.
“He’ll know it’s us.”
“How?”
“Caller ID for one nimrod!”
“We can go call from a payphone!”
“You want us to go out in the middle of the night just to look for a payphone so we can prank Bone, who most likely won’t even pick up the phone anyway?”
“Yeah…that sounds about right.”
I shook my head but was it bad that a small part of me actually wanted to do it? I haven’t done anything like that in such a long time. I’ve turned into a pretty boring person, following the same routine almost all the time. I even pooped at the same time every single night and yes I did just say poop. I do not like the word shit, it sounds stinky.
“Hello? Brian?” I looked at him as he fanned his hand in front of my eyes.
“What?”
“You zoned out on me little buddy.”
“Who am I Gilligan? I’m not your little buddy. I’m older than you.”
“You are obsessed with age Brian, have I ever told you that?”
“About a thousand times.”
“So, you want to do this or what?”
“Nick…why on earth?”
“Oh come on Bri…when was the last time we went on an adventure?”
He was staring up at me with those puppy dog eyes. He used to do that to me all the time when he was little. Well he used to do it to all of us but it was really only Howie and I it ever worked on. “Holy Shmoly, I can’t believe I’m going to do this!”
“Yes! You are the shit…erm…I mean poop Brian!”
“Shut up! If anyone finds out about this Carter your ass is grass!”
“You mean if Leigh finds out about this?”
“Yeah.”
“You’re only going out to use a phone Brian, it’s not like we’re going to hold up a convenience store…unless…”
“Enough doofo…let me go get dressed!” he smiled at me and moved his feet out of the way so I could pass him. I can’t believe I was going out just to prank AJ.
Lalalalala I touch myself…..lalalalalalaaaaaaaa I touch myself….lalalalallaallaaaa I touch myself. Something or other…I touch myself! I friggin love that song and what I friggin love even more than that friggin song is actually having my house to myself again. I have forgotten how nice it is to have the place all to myself. I mean when Nick was with Paris I had this place to myself all the time but it’s been awhile since I’ve been able to just hang out naked in my living room without worrying that he is going to walk in with his posse. Yes, Nick has a posse. It’s not a big one or anything. I mean P Diddy wouldn’t be jealous but still, he ‘rolled’ with some people when he went out on the town and sometimes those people would ‘roll’ in here. And yes I’m using ‘roll’ to sound cool.
After Nick left, I did decide to call Rene. He came over and we grilled out and just had the best talk. He’s really a great guy, I’m so glad that fate brought us together. I know it sucks that addiction had to be involved but sometimes you never know why exactly people come into your life.
He always has a way of not only making me feel better about things but also putting me in a great mood so by the time he left I was all smiles and have been that way for the rest of the night.
The only problem is I was having trouble sleeping again. I hate insomnia, it sucks! I’m not sure why it is I can’t sleep, I mean my mind wanders a lot in the dark but still I’m really tired and would just love to be able to doze off. Thank God for South Park DVDs…see what you’re missing Carter?
I decided to lay back and let Cartman and company sing me to sleep. Yes I opted to forgo the usual seasons and go for the musical instead. Just as I closed my eyes, the phone rang, at friggin 2 o’clock in the morning. Not that 2 is late really, I mean sometimes we aren’t even ready to go out until around 2. Howie is probably just getting himself to a club somewhere right now. Maybe it was Howie? I decided to let it ring, if it was important they’d leave a message.
“Hello…*deep breathing* this is the taco maaaaan.”
What the fuck? I sat up and shook my head as he continued, “Do you want a burrrritoh *deep breathing* I’m the taco maaaaaan.”
Of course he started giggling because Nick can’t do anything without cracking himself up and stupid me, I decided to pick up the phone but he hung up before I had a chance. “Damn, so he ditched Rok and went and got himself piss drunk again? Nice one!” I was disgusted! Not enough to make the mistake of calling Kevin again, but disgusted all the same.
The phone rang again; I picked it up to more heavy breathing. “Nick what are you doing?”
“Do you have any pepper? I want to borrow some pepper.” Of course there was more giggling and whispers of pass me the phone. How old are we twelve?
“Nick who the hell is with you?”
“I do not know of this Nick you talk about. I am Pepito…and I want some pepper!”
“Nick you are a retardo and I’m hanging upo!”
“But wait…um…do you like bananas?”
More laughing and this time I was sure. Before I wasn’t, maybe I just didn’t believe it but now there was no doubt in my mind. “Rok? What the heck?”
*more giggling and whispering*
“I can’t believe the two of you fucking called me at 2 in the morning! I can’t believe you are pranking me Brian!”
Now the giggles turned into full on laughter. Good lord why am I surrounded by such idiots! Do you see what I have to put up with? Then people wonder why I drank so much! I found myself laughing too though…God Damnit! I hated when they did this to me!
“Guys what the hell are you doing? Are you both on crack?”
“I’m Chiquita Banana and I’m here to say…if you want a banana the Chiquita way…”
“Okay you both have far too much time on your hands!” I shook my head and tried my best not to sound as amused as I was. Good lord when was the last time Brian did anything like this? I really couldn’t recall.
“Where are you calling from dinkus?” I asked, trying to sound annoyed yet unaffected by this prank call.
“A pay phone.”
“What?” There were more giggles in the background. I was talking to Brian now at least trying to in-between the incessant, ‘let me talk to him…I want to talk to him,’ interruptions by Carter.
“Shut up Nick… uh yeah we’re at a pay phone.”
“Where?”
“On some corner somewhere.”
“Why?”
“Are you going to ask me all the W questions?”
“I’m just trying to get a better idea of where I have to send the padded wagon. I can’t believe you pranked me Brian!”
“It was Nick’s idea; I just kind of went along with it.”
“I can’t believe that!”
“Why not?” Still I heard Nick giggling and asking for the phone in the background.
“Because…”
“I always used to do this Boner!”
“I know but that was a long time ago!”
‘Tell him we have to go, I need a Slurpee!’ I laughed again. I felt like this call catapulted me back to the early days of our band.
“I need to go AJ, Nick wants a Slurpee.”
“So I heard, although I thought he was Pepito.”
“I am Pepito!” He screamed into the phone. It scared me more that he was stone cold sober than it would have if he was drunk.
Brian started laughing, “Okay I better get Pepito a Slurpee, sorry to call so late. We didn’t wake you did we?”
“Nah, I was up.”
“Okay see you tomorrow…adios. Say Adios Pepito!”
“Adios Pepito ahahahahaha…” And then the phone clicked.
I shook my head for a few seconds and then started singing my song again.
Lalalalalalalaaaa I touch myself….lalalalalalalaaaaaaah…..
Oh my God that was the best thing ever! It was totally worth going out, just to hear the confusion in Bone’s voice. Hahahahaha we got him good! I looked over at Brian with pride. I can’t believe he actually went along with me. I almost felt like this was too good to be true and that any minute he’d say I was being Punk’d.
“I can’t believe I let you talk me into this.”
I wrapped him in a huge hug, “I can’t believe it either…now will you buy me a Slurpee?”
“Man and I have to even buy the junk food?”
I nodded at him and gave him my sad face. Poor Brian was always buying me things back in the day. It was like I was his son or something, and I loved that. It was so nice to be able to be a kid when he was around. God is it gay of me to say that I don’t want this night to end? This has been one of the greatest days ever!
We walked into the store and laughed when we heard ourselves blaring through the radio by the cash register. The bridge for I Want it that Way had just come on and the two of us started singing to it and dancing around. We were the only people in the store so it’s like no one would even care. I’m sure the guy who was working thought we were lunatics but he was nowhere to be found either.
“Nick…have I ever told you that you are my fire?”
“Am I your one desire?”
“Why yes my little kitten…you are.”
“We should call Kevin and start singing this song on his answering machine.”
“You are on your own for that one Nickolas Gene!” I laughed as Brian handed me a cup to make my Slurpee in.
“One day you’ll be brave enough to prank your cousin dude.”
“No I will not!”
We made our way over to the counter and still there was no one there. “Where the hell is he?” I asked as I looked around. “This is a friggin 7/11, isn’t he scared someone will come in and steal something?”
Just then the phone started to ring at the counter. “He’ll be out to answer it in a minute.” Brian said as he chewed on his straw. I was ready to just bail personally and if I was with anyone else I probably would have, meaning take my Slurpee and run. “Hey Nick…”
“Yeah?”
“I dare you to answer the phone.”
“What?”
“I dare you to pick up the phone.”
He had that evil look on his face, I hated when he did stuff like this. “Are you serious?”
“Yeah…”
I looked around the store one more time and then picked up the phone to which Brian started laughing uncontrollably. “Hello?”
Of course just then the clerk decided to come out of hiding. “What the hell are you doing?” He screamed as he came from the storage room.
“I was just answering your phone…” I stuttered through my explanation which had Brian laughing even harder.
“Get out of this store before I call the police!” The guy was screaming at me and actually hit my arm, the one that was holding the phone.
“But I…”
“Get out!”
“We have Slurpees!” I sounded so pathetic but I couldn’t help it. I was laughing too which I’m sure didn’t help my cause any.
“Get out!” He said once more, so I put my Slurpee down next to Brian’s and put my hands up in the air as a gesture of peace and then left the store.
“I can’t believe you answered the phone Nick!” Brian was almost hyperventilating as he was talking.
“You dared me to do that!”
“I know but still…Jesus…I swear you are just like a little kid! I love you!” He grabbed my cheeks and gave me a hug.
“You realize I’ll never be able to show my face in that place ever again. He’ll probably have Wanted posters up all over the freezer section.”
Brian didn’t respond, he just kept laughing his ass off at me.
“And I still want a Slurpee…aaaaand he hit me! I was abused by an angry twelve year old clerk at 7/11.” I rubbed at my injured arm to make my point but Brian was still laughing. I mean tears were coming out of the guy’s eyes. He has to get out more!
“We can go to another one if you want, but this time maybe you should wait in the car.” He finally stopped laughing and pat my head as we walked to his car.
“I’m surprised he didn’t chase after us with a baseball bat.”
I was still fixated on the angry, crazy guy behind the register to notice that Brian had stopped laughing and was now staring at me. “Nick?”
I looked over at him as he unlocked the door for us, “Yeah?”
“I just wanted to say thanks. I can’t even remember when the last time I laughed that hard was.”
“You don’t have to thank Me Brian, I should be thanking you. You made me forget about all the drama for the day.”
“I missed you Nick, I missed acting like a goofball with you.”
“Well, let’s do this more often then, okay?” I wanted to cry, I have been waiting to hear that for so long now. Good lord I’m such a wuss.
He placed his arm around me as he shut his car door, “Sounds good to me buddy.”
“Hey, I know for a fact there’s a 7/11 right by Howie’s place. Maybe we can swing by there and put a flaming bag of pooh on his porch!”
Brian smiled at me, “Or we can go to Taco Bell and grab some Burritos and leave them on AJ’s doorstep!”
“Oooh yes! Let’s do that! But as long as I get to eat one of them.”
“It’s a deal.”
“Then can we leave the bag of pooh?”
“No Nick, no pooh tonight!”
“How about toilet papering Kevin’s house?”
“No Nick.”
“Ordering 2 dozen pizzas?”
“Maybe 3 dozen…” He answered as we laughed and drove around town being Frick and Frack again after all these years.
