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Idiot!






Oh my God I am so so so so sooooo so stupid! Why on earth did I do that? I mean what kind of jackass decides to raid the mini bar to prove a point to someone that he wouldn’t do something like that? Ugh! I’m such an idiot!!!



I placed my head under the incredibly cold water and let it slide down my back as I spit it out occasionally, long enough to curse myself out some more. When they left, all I did was take out a small bottle of vodka from the mini bar, that’s all I intended to do, then I was going to go down to the beach all by my lonesome but NO! I had to put on the television and see that a stupid movie was on, I’m not even going to say the name of the movie because I am already embarrassed enough, but I just kind of drank and ate chips just like I always do but only thing is, instead of Coke I had Vodka.



IDIOT!



The whole time, there I sat cursing Kevin out and his judgmental attitude towards me, not that he even said anything mind you! For all I know it was completely in my head, him making that comment about the mini bar, but in my ‘Nick’iverse he said it and it was too late to take it back. So what do I do? One would think someone smart would maybe try to prove said person wrong. Perhaps dress up and show up extra early for dinner and then offer to treat everyone. ‘Wow’ they would say, ‘look at Nick he really has his act together. I’m so impressed. Forget you AJ; I’m more proud of Nick than you.’ But I unfortunately am not smart and am a complete and total MORON! So I go and get hammered, leave a mess all over the suite we are all sharing only after PUKING on Howie last night. Yes ladies and gentleman I’m a genius!!



IDIOT!



I decided that maybe beating my head repeatedly in the shower would maybe shake some sense into me but that hurt so I stopped after about the third head bang. Instead I got out of the shower and wrapped a towel around myself, convinced that for the rest of our time together I would just stay right here in the bathroom. I could sneak out for food; I wouldn’t even have to leave to pee. Yes I will live in the bathroom that is what I will do!



“Nicky?” Howie’s small voice said my name, and so it begins already. Couldn’t they at least wait until I got out of the bathroom? Oh right that wasn’t ever going to happen.



“I’m sorry he’s not home.” I answered being the genius that we all have just established me to be.



“Are you okay in there? I thought I heard a bang.”



“I’m okay, just my head.” And I don’t need that anyway apparently.



“You hit your head?”



“I’m okay Howie.” There was a pause, I could see D now standing behind the door with his mouth open, ready to say one more thing but deciding it was probably best to just leave me be.



“Okay if you’re sure.”



“I am.”



“If you need anything…”



“I’m all good, really.” I was trying not to sound sarcastic but I couldn’t help it. When I get embarrassed which believe it or not happens often, I tend to get overly defensive. I mean really really defensive. If anyone laughs at me, they could possibly be punched in the face. I’ve gotten better with age but still, I didn’t like it when people made fun of me. Maybe that wasn’t a secret, but I would like to think that the fans don’t actually realize how sensitive I really am about everything.



IDIOT!



I really am the biggest fuck up in the universe, I mean for weeks leading up to this, I promised myself I wasn’t going to do anything stupid, especially now in the early stages of our reunion. I knew they all had their skepticism about me. Kevin came right out and told me to my face that he wasn’t sure if I was going to take things seriously. That he was afraid we’d start the whole process and I’d suddenly bail. So I came into this knowing I had to prove myself to them. I wanted to show them that I have grown up, that this solo thing helped me become more mature. Instead, I have done the opposite. I’m sure they already are disappointed in me to the point of regretting getting back together.



I need this reunion, I can’t mess it up now! Great, now I was in tears again. God Lord what in the world is wrong with me? What I should do is get dressed, borrow AJ’s puke colored van and drive myself to the nearest insane asylum. In fact why bother putting on clothes? Might as well go naked right? I mean it IS an insane asylum.



“Kevin’s going to kill me.” I leaned my head back against the wall as I sat naked on the toilet bowl, knowing that once I walked out that door I was going to get screamed at, or even worse, I was going to see that look of disappointment on his face, on all of their faces.



“I’m such an idiot!” I reaffirmed for myself as I closed my eyes debating on if I should ever get dressed and leave the bathroom.



~*~*~*~*~*~*~






“What an idiot!” Kevin exclaimed after he filled us in on what had happened. Seems we walked in just after Kevin and Howie, thus missing out on all the ‘fun’. I personally would have paid to see Nick jump on top of Kevin like Dino from the Flintstones but maybe that’s just me.



Seriously, it was no big surprise that the kid doesn’t always use common sense but this really took the cake. “Where is he now?” Brian asked, biting his thumbnail and walking over to help Kevin dispose of the liquor bottles.



“I sent him in to take a damn shower.”



“Wow I haven’t seen this movie in a long ass time!” I said when I heard the unmistakable sound of Kermit the Frog singing on the television. Actually I was trying to change the topic of conversation, and not so much for Nick’s benefit but for mine. I couldn’t help but wonder how many of these types of conversations they had about me.



“The damn Muppet Movie, he was getting drunk while watching this crap? Good lord help us all.” Kevin said rolling his eyes at the screen. I laughed, I couldn’t help it, the thought of Kaos sitting here drinking and watching a kid’s movie just so summed him up, it was perfect really.



“Kevin, do you think that he has a problem?” Once again that was Brian. I seriously hated where this conversation was going. “I mean we haven’t seen him in a long time and he’s a little out of control.”



“A little?” Kevin said throwing the last bottle into the trashcan.



“Can I say something?” All eyes shot over to Howie, who was sitting so quietly that I hadn’t even realized he was there.



“What is it D?”



“I just think he’s anxious about all of this, I mean Nicky has always had his own way of dealing with things. I don’t think he was even totally drunk Kevin. I mean I have seen him jump on you totally sober before. I just talked to him and he didn’t sound drunk, he sounded upset.”



“He’s right Kev, I mean give the kid a break, I’m sure he doesn’t have a problem.” I wasn’t really sure, but I felt the need to come to his defense. See, in a way I blame myself for them all jumping to conclusions like they were. It was only natural after dealing with me.



“He has a problem all right, several mental issues but ‘alcoholic’ isn’t one of them.” We all laughed at Howie. I loved D; he always said things in a way that never sounded anything but nice. Basically he was one of the only people who could flat out tell Kevin he was wrong and it would be all good with him.



“But he was in here drinking alone AJ, you don’t think there’s anything wrong with that?”



“Brian, I know where you’re coming from and it must sound weird for me to be saying this, but come on, we know him. He’s a knucklehead! I can see him clear as day, sitting on the sofa, laughing like a moron at Kermit and Miss Piggy and not even realizing he was consuming that much alcohol.”



They all thought about this for a moment and I could see by the smile on Brian’s face, he was now picturing the scene as well. “Yeah, I can see that too Bone.” He nodded and bit at his bottom lip.



“He’s like this big kid trapped in a 23 year old’s body.”



Now Kevin was nodding, wow Nick was SO going to owe me for this. What could I make him do for me? Perhaps a new car would suffice? I would say a night out on the town at the best strip clubs around but then that would be putting him around alcohol once again and me as well.



I am totally clean and sober but that doesn’t mean that I’m always ready to be around people who aren’t. It’s very easy for me to want to just fall into the same routine as always, so I have tried my best to totally avoid putting myself in those situations.



“Well, even if you are right AJ I’m still going to talk to him.”



“Maybe you should let me talk to him?” I offered, once again not having a clue what I would say. In fact, I’d probably take him out and say ‘Nick stop being an idiot but tell Kevin I lectured you for an hour or so’ followed by a ‘by the way you owe me big time for saving your ass twice in a row!’ I didn’t have to worry about that though because out he came, hair all wet and a mess.



“No one has to talk to me; I’m not a two year old. I know what I did was stupid.”



The reaction of his arrival in the room was so telling to me, I was so used to seeing it. Howie looked down at his cell phone, pretending to check a message that wasn’t really there. Brian’s head went straight to the television as he continued to bite at his nails while Kevin chose to walk out of the room. I was the only one staring at him, and I think he was kind of grateful for that. No one said anything in reply to him, which kind of annoyed me, so I took it upon myself to say something.



“So…the Muppet Movie? You couldn’t even get drunk off your ass watching porn?” He laughed and then looked away.



“I don’t know what I’m more embarrassed by, getting drunk or watching the Muppet Movie.”



“My vote is for the Muppet Movie.” I replied, to which he nodded.



“Do you all hate me now?” He was looking down at the ground and biting his bottom lip which signaled to me that he really thought we were going to hate him. I wish I knew what ran through this kid’s mind sometimes. His thought process scared me more than this little Muppet drinking incident and yes I was forever going to refer to it as that, mostly to annoy Carter.



“Of course we don’t hate you Nicky.” But I knew as well as Howie did, that it wasn’t from him he as waiting for answer. I glanced over at Rok to see he was still watching the movie now, smiling at what was on the screen. Was it his way of avoiding the question? I have no idea. I just think that deep down inside he’s as much of a ‘kid’ at heart as Nick is and got really into the movie.



After waiting for a few minutes for Brian’s reassurance that never came, he looked over at Howie, “Thanks D.”



“It’s the truth Nicky.”



“Kevin hates me though, you think?”



“I don’t hate you.” Okay this is where I bail…and pretty much everyone did the same. All of us scattering about like roaches caught in the light, leaving poor Kaos alone with Kevin.



~*~*~*~*~*~*~








My refuge from Kevin lectures has always been the balcony. “I’m going to go get some fresh air,” I would say, then take off before the first word was uttered. I have been on the opposite end of many of those lectures, mostly when it came to stupid things, but this one I didn’t much care to hear, so I bolted to the balcony and closed the glass doors just as Howie followed me out there.



“It’s nice out today.” He said as if we have never had a conversation before. For some reason that made me laugh.



“Yes it’s very nice out, indeed.”



“How was golfing?”



“Good, we had a lot of fun.”



“That’s good.”



“What about shopping?”



“I browsed more than shopped.”



“Yeah?”



“Yeah, I’m not one to spend a lot of money on stuff.”



“So I remember.” I said nodding my head as we both looked down at the city below us.



“Brian, how come you didn’t answer him? I mean when he asked if we hated him.”



“Because I think he’s a little too old to coddle now. He’s not a baby anymore Howie and it’s time we stop letting him act like one.” I was a little surprised to hear myself say that but it’s the way I felt and have felt for a long time. Leighanne has been saying for years that we all treat him like a baby, let him get away with everything and that’s why he’s so out of control now. He knows that in the end, we’ll just slap his wrist and say ‘bad boy now here’s some candy.’ I never agreed with her until I had a child of my own and had time to assess the situation as an outsider.



“But he admitted he was stupid, all he asked was if we hated him.” I was a bit surprised that Howie was confronting me on this. He was classically one to avoid issues like this one at all costs.



“He knows I don’t hate him.”



“See the thing is… I think you’re wrong Brian. Otherwise he wouldn’t have asked.”



“He knows I love him to death Howie, he wanted my approval. He wanted me to tell him that what he did was okay and to be honest, it’s not okay.”



He nodded and once again looked down at the street below, I could tell he wasn’t happy with my answer, but in this case I was sticking to my guns. I would do anything for Nick; I love him and know him better than any of the other guys. We have shared so many moments over the years; he would never think that I actually hated him.



“I just think he needed to hear you tell him that, that’s all I guess. He’s had a hard year Bri.”



“I know that.” Suddenly I was beginning to feel guilty. Damn Howie!



“I worry about him.” That made me look his way, he was still staring down at the street as he continued, “And I’m not talking about what happened today. I mean his mental well being in general. I worry about him.”



“I do too.”



“Than you should tell him that Brian, I really think he needs to know that.”



“I know, you mentioned that already.”



“You won’t be admitting what he did was right or fine.”



I nodded at him but the next words out of his mouth made me a little angry.



“Don’t worry this doesn’t mean he’ll win and you’ll lose if you just tell him what he needs to hear.”



“What is that supposed to mean?”



“I don’t know, I didn’t mean anything bad by that.”



“I am not looking at this as some kind of competition Howie.”



“I didn’t say you were.” But in the words he just spoke, he kind of did.



“Is that what you think of me? As some kind of jerk who looks at everything as a competition?”



He smiled at me, “Now Brian, I have known you forever. You know I love you why would you think that?” Damn Howie! His smirk brought his point home, “Now you get it right?” I nodded and he pet my head, “Good boy. See? Sometimes even though deep down inside you know the answer, you still need that reassurance and for the record, I do think you are competitive but I know not in this case.”



I laughed at Howie as he winked at me, “I’ll talk to him after Kevin gets done with him.”



We both looked into the room at that point to see Kevin sitting across from Nick on the coffee table as Nick stared anywhere but at my cousin. “Seems like he’ll need that after your cousin gets done with him.” We both laughed, which was wrong of us but who cares?



~*~*~*~*~*~*~








I had to leave the room for a minute because I was ready to explode. I’m not really sure why I even got as mad as I did. I mean, it’s not like he blew up a hotel room or anything (yet) but I just wanted to choke him. So I walked away, when he came out of the bathroom.



I’m not exactly sure what it is about the youngest member of the group and I. We have always had the strangest relationship and I blame that on our age difference. I look at him and I see a kid, even when I don’t want to. I know I tend to be harder on him than the others but he just needs it. He always has needed it. It’s not like he ever got it at home. In the early days, I felt like I was his only source of discipline. His family would let him get away with murder, sometimes letting the kid drink at parties when people were still watching our every move. I was the one that always shooed him away from that stuff, shielded him from the drugs and alcohol and anything else nasty that we were exposed to. Sometimes I feel guilty that maybe if I had spent as much time and energy on AJ as I did on Nick, he wouldn’t have ended up doing all the things he did.



I knew I had to talk to him but I really didn’t want to yet. I mean we have just gotten together and already I have reverted back to screaming at him for being a dumbass! Not a great way to start this ‘new’ phase of our careers.



So I made sure to take a few deep breaths before actually going back into the room, just as I heard him ask the guys if I hated him.



“I don’t hate you Nick.” It’s so funny to see what happens when I walk into a room at a tense moment. You know, the first time I told my family about how the guys are so intimidated by me they hardly believed me at all. In fact Tim laughed so hard I thought he was going to fall off his chair. It wasn’t until Brian confirmed it for them that they realized how influential I was to the rest of the guys, especially the two youngest ones.



Just as I suspected would happen, they all ran the hell out of the room, leaving Nick to fend for himself. I almost felt bad for the kid as he looked down at the carpet with an ‘oh shit’ expression on his face. What did he think I was going to do? Smack or him or something? Beat him senseless?



After they all cleared out, I walked over to him and sat down on the coffee table right across from where he was sitting. This way it was harder for him to avoid my face. “Did you hear me? I don’t hate you.”



“I heard.” He always became so soft spoken after he did something stupid. At first I used to think it was to get himself out of trouble but the more I got to know him, I realized that he only did that when he knew he was in the wrong. It’s those times when he would glare at me and push his two fingers into my chest that I would really go off on him. It didn’t happen often but let’s say like most children go through the terrible twos; Nick went through the terrible fifteens.



Fifteen was a hard age for Nick and for all of us, who had to deal with him, thank God, that’s over and done with.



So I started my lecture, same as always. It felt like we were right there in the past again. No time going by what so ever.



“I wish you wouldn’t always think that.” That the start of my ‘talk’.



“I don’t always think that.”



“Whenever you do something stupid, you always ask them if I hate you.”



“Because you always get mad and walk out of the room.”



“Well when I do that, don’t I always come back in to talk to you?”



“……”



“Well?”



“…….”



“I always come back to talk to you. I love you Nick but sometimes you don’t think!”



“……..”



“You had to realize that by drinking that much Vodka you would get drunk. You were in here drinking all alone.”



“…….”



“You polished off about ten of those bottles if I counted correctly.”



“……..”



“Are you just going to sit there and not say anything?”



“….....*sighs*……”



“I just thought that things would have been different you know? I mean this is the first real day of our reunion and instead of coming out with Howie and I, you chose to get shit faced all by yourself in the hotel room. What is that supposed to say to us?”



“I didn’t mean to do it.”



“You never mean to do it.”



“I wasn’t invited out with you.”



“I invited you myself.”



“You were forcing me to go.”



“Still….that’s an invite.”



“No, you weren’t giving me a choice.”



“I asked you to go with us and so did Howie. The manner I asked you to go is unimportant.”



“But you didn’t invite me at first.”



“So that’s why you chose to get drunk? What is this first grade?”



“…….”



“You have to learn how to make better decisions Nick! Hasn’t being a solo artist taught you that?”



“I was going to go to the beach.”



“But?”



“The Muppet Movie was on…”



“So?”



“I wanted to watch it.”



“Okay, and?”



“……”



“We are just getting back together Nick; we have such a long way to go.”



“I know what I did was stupid.”



“Good.”



“And I don’t plan on doing it again.”



“Even better.”



“I’m sorry I let you down.”



“You didn’t let anyone down…you just have to think next time. I worry about your lack of common sense.”



“……”



“I’m sorry I yelled at you.” I made sure to say after he looked like a puppy in need of a belly scratch. I always ended up apologizing to him for something but I knew I was out of line yelling at him to take a shower.



“That’s okay.”



“Good…so we are all good now? All is forgotten right?”



“I guess.”



“And you know I don’t hate you right?”



“…….”



“Right?”



“Yeah.”



After our lecture, (I stopped numbering them after we hit a thousand) I stood up and ruffled his hair, to which he just sat there still looking down at the ground. It was then that I looked out at the balcony and saw both Howie and my cousin staring at us so I walked over to the door and opened it, “Take a picture it lasts longer!” I said, and then added, since I was on a roll and all, “and I hope you guys are ready to go. We have reservations in an hour!”



After I closed the door again I saw my cousin roll his eyes at me. It wasn’t easy being the intimidator but someone has to do it I guess.



“Idiots!” I muttered as I walked back into my room to call my wife.


Happy Halloween! And I will be back next Monday with another chaoter ;O)