Chapter 166
“I don’t understand.”
Nick sighed, “I know, I should’ve told you sooner, but I was too afraid, too nervous.”
“Afraid? Of what?”
“Honestly? You.”
Veronica turned and looked at him, “Me?”
“Well yeah, when I tell you what I’m about to tell you and if you don’t agree, you have the very…uncomfortable potential for me, to hurt me worse than I’ve ever been hurt before,” he admitted softly. “Don’t worry though, just…do whatever feels right.
“Good lord Nick, what is it?” Veronica asked, her face tense with concern.
He shook his head, “I’m sorry, this isn’t coming out the way I planned.” Sighing softly, he started again, “I want to tell you something.”
She continued to stare at him as if he’d lost it, “Ok.”
“I’ve always been…well I guess I should say from the time I became a Backstreet Boy, it was always clear as to…what was expected of me and what I was supposed to do. I had no idea how my life would change, had no idea of the people I’d lose or gain. As I got older, everything I knew, or thought I knew changed. People who were supposed to love me, became greedy and cruel, it’s a lot for a teenager to take in, I didn’t know how to handle it and I in turn, became jaded.”
Veronica frowned, watching him closely.
“So I stopped caring, stopped worrying if I hurt people. My relationship with the guys for a while was strained, we fought a lot, I went through this time where I lashed out at everyone, I even hit AJ once, everyone passed it off as just a stage I was going through, but I knew better, it was deeper than that. It’s weird, when you can pretty much get everything you want, you forget what it’s like to have nothing, you forget that people still deserve respect and that what may be an innocent fling, can mean way more to someone else.”
He stopped for a moment, staring out at the water blankly, trying to collect his thoughts.
“Then all the shit hit the fan, my album, my DUI everything with AJ and all and I just…I gave up. I was partying hard, doing a lot of shit, a lot of dangerous shit I shouldn’t have because it was expected. A celebrity is supposed to go out and get in trouble, have sex and go crazy. Every month, hell every week there was a different woman and I couldn’t seem to hold down a stable relationship, and the women who I did date, all turned into unhealthy relationships. My parents divorced and I was pissed that my Mom was embarrassing our family yet again, as if we didn’t have enough shit to deal with without her airing our fuckin’ laundry all over the tabloids.”
Sighing heavily, Veronica turned and scooted back on the blanket until she was sitting next to him, leaning in she rested her head on his shoulder and then her hand on his thigh, rubbing gently as he continued.
“So then Dad retaliated and my Brother started acting out and then my Sisters and fuck, suddenly my family is the poster child for dysfunctional. So I bail ya know? Just fuck them all and go off and try to forget about them, pretend like it’s not happening. Then I learn that my Dad is moving in with some woman, getting married and Aaron and Angel are going with him and…whatever. So yeah, here I am partying, sleeping with all these women, smoking, drinking and basically blowing everything off and not giving a fuck cause ya know, it’s the only way I knew how to exist, how to survive. The guys, they were all going somewhere, Kevin and Brian are married, Brian’s got a family, Kevin was on Broadway and AJ was trying to stay sober and Howie’s doing his thing and there I was, acting like the stereotypical male celebrity and I didn’t give a fuck what anyone thought of me.”
Veronica wiped at her eyes, part of her had always thought that maybe it’d been bad, but it hurt to hear that she’d been right and even harder, it’d been worse than she’d ever imagined.
He chuckled softly suddenly, “Then the funniest thing happened, something I wasn’t expecting. I was going to drop off some stuff for my fan club one day and I happened upon a bag of fan mail addressed to me in care of the fan club.”
Veronica slowly lifted her head from his shoulder.
“I thought it’d be funny to take one and read it, ya know just to be stupid, and so I did. I had no idea that the letter I selected would change my life.”
She inhaled sharply, leaning away from him a bit. Slowly she turned her head, watching him warily.
“I took a chance and wrote back and I’m glad I did. Over the course of several months, I came to look forward to the letters from the woman I couldn’t see, but felt like knew me. I was surprised to find that she seemed to understand. The letters turned into emails and then into instant messages and then phone calls. Suddenly, without me being aware, this fan wasn’t that anymore, she was a friend. A friend who opened herself up and gave without asking for anything in return, which was surprising to me because all I‘ve ever known is people who never wanted to be around me because they wanted to, but because they wanted something I could give them, or get for them. ”
Looking down, she stared at her hand on his thigh.
“Anyway, this woman stuck in there with me, even when I was an asshole and treated her with so little respect. She forgave me, took a chance and gave me her trust which she guarded so heavily,” Nick smiled a bit, finally turning to look at her. “Now here we are and I’m afraid, scared to death that everything we’ve worked for, everything that we’ve accomplished, will slip away like it almost did several times before. I’m worried that this time, it will.”
Veronica looked up at him again and frowned at the look of fear and determination in his eyes.
“I don’t want to admit that the phone call today made me do this, but it is definitely part of the reason, it helped me get my ass in gear, it helped me to finally understand that I have to go for what I want…” he stopped suddenly, looking her dead in the eyes.
She blinked, her heart dropping.
“…And that’s you.” He finished.
Author's Chapter Notes:
I'm so happy with how this chapter turned out, very happy. I think it's believeable to an extent. Mini Disclaimer: I don't know Nick or claim to know what he's thinking. All made up, I have nothing to backup the statments made in this chapter. Ok that's that. LOL Enjoy!
