And I wished for things that I don’t need.
All I wanted.
And what I chase won’t set me free.
It’s all I’ve wanted.
AJ paced around his room like a mad man. “This is ridiculous. What the hell am I doing?” He thought. He ran a hand through his hair for what seemed the hundredth time since he had left the club. “She’s not going to just want to...” He stopped himself when he heard her and Howie’s laughter coming down the hallway. AJ leaned against the wall of his hotel room. Her laugh. Why did every little thing she did send him reeling? He had yet to figure out why she still had an affect on him.
AJ slid down the wall, sinking to the floor. How much longer was this going to go on? Was he going to spend his entire life wishing he was hers again? After all, she did nothing but break his heart. Why did he still want her? He had to get this off his chest. He wanted to yell at her, scream at her, “Look what you’ve done to me!”, and then hold her for dear life.
AJ sat up. He had to do this.
He walked out his door and banged on Howie and Elle’s room with his fist. Howie opened abruptly, a confused look on his face.
“AJ?” Howie looked back at Elle who just stood there.
“Elle, I need to talk to you.” His eyes just stayed with hers.
Elle glanced at Howie, and then back at Howie. “I’ll be right over AJ.” She walked up and shut the door easily. Elle leaned up against the door, and lowered her head.
Howie shut his eyes in frustration, “Go Elle.”
“Howie I...”
“I know you still care about him Elle, and I understand he needs to talk to you, its just...” He sighed and looked up at her, “When are you going to go to sleep at night without worrying about him? When we all going to be able to go out again and not have to talk about something that happened years ago?”
She walked up to him and brushed his cheek with her fingers, “I know...Howie I’m so sorry.. .” She shook her head embarrassed.
“Elle, I trust you.” He looked at her solemnly.
Elle nodded, “Thankyou.” She gave him a quick kiss and wrapped him in his arms before heading out the door.
Howie loved her, and he was willing to do just about anything for her. But how AJ managed so slip between the cracks of their relationship time and time again did bother him. Yet, he put up with it. For her.
Elle walked up to AJ’s door and knocked lightly. He opened, his face expressionless. She walked in his room uneasily. AJ shut the door behind her and as she turned to face him, he crossed his arms.
“So, what’s up AJ?”
He swallowed hard, Go ahead man, say what you were going to say.
“Elle, I...” He was actually shaking.
“Aje, you came pounding on Howie and I’s door, you sulked all night at the club...yesterday you told me you were fine, now will you please tell me what the hell is going on?” Elle was actually scolding him and it took a minute for it to fully sink into AJ’s head.
Here we go, AJ thought.
He rubbed his forehead, “You really wanna know what the hell is going on?” AJ asked her, his voice low above her shouting.
“Yes AJ I do.” Elle said, walking over to the bed to sit down.
Could he really tell her? It was almost like he had to now. He’d dragged her in here, and not on a happy note either. But tell her? Tell her what had been pent up inside of him for three years. But really what did he have to lose?
He stood away from her, picking at his nails nervously.
“You left me.” He said simply.
Silence.
Elle just sat there. What could she even say to that?
“You left me Elle. You left me pounding on your fucking window. Shouting your name, chasing after your car.”
“AJ its been years since–“
“We’ve never even discussed it.”
Elle swallowed hard. God had the tables been turned now, “You want to talk about it?”
“Yeah,” He said walking a little closer to her, “ I do.”
“Alright...then–“
“You realize your boyfriend is Howie right?”
“AJ what’s that supposed to mean?”
“My God damn, brother. Can you even begin to comprehend how much it kills me that you are with him?”
Elle’s eyes went wide. He didn’t still...did he?
He looked at her blank expression, “I didn’t think so.”
AJ went over and sat in a chair across from the bed so he could look in her eyes as he told her.
“I’ve been sitting on this for three years, and you can’t even offer an explanation? I called you for months. I must have left a thousand messages. I called your mom, your dad. I called your sister. I called your work. Hell I wouldn’t have known if you were alive except for the fact that your column was still being printed every month. Then you magically appear again and boom you’re with Howie, expecting that we’re just going to pick back up as best friends. And I did. I did that for a while, but I can’t do it anymore. You ask me if I’m okay about 365 times a day and how could you not know? You say you worry about me. Well what are you worrying for Elle? You don’t seem to worry about me enough to actually do anything about it. So basically every word, every comment, every talk has pretty much been complete and utter bull shit.”
“No it hasn’t!”
“Yes, it has.”
“No because AJ I do worry about you...I just never thought you were still mad about the whole thing. I thought we had gotten over it.”
Elle knew, even she hadn’t gotten over it.
AJ shook his head, “We? Maybe you. I’m going to be honest with you because I figure, what the hell? You’re not going to care anyways...”
“Alexander James McLean you know that is not true.” She stood up and shouted at him.
“Would you care if I told you I still love you?” He shouted back.
She stopped. Her heart pounding like a hammer in her chest. He didn’t just say...did he?
“W-what?” She said, her voice cracking.
“I still love you,” He repeated, “Don’t sound so shocked.”
“AJ you can’t.”
He raised his eyebrows, “Well that’s too bad isn’t it?”
“AJ what I did to you, how could you still...?”
He sighed, “I have no idea. No matter what you’ve done to me, you’re still my Elle. The woman I’ve loved all my life. Usually, we fight and we have like a 2 second reflex and we’re fine. I never understood why you left me forever.” AJ looked down in his lap. His voice finally calming. He always wondered it himself. How could he still love her after everything? Was it even possible?
Hard tears fell from Elle’s eyes as she fought to keep her breathing under control. Why now? She thought she wouldn’t have to worry about this. She was with Howie. She loved Howie, didn’t she? Her mind was processing a thousand thoughts, a thousand questions at one time. Memories ran through her head. That night when AJ called her, first telling her he loved her. Their first kiss. The first time they made love. Her leaving. Why? She turned away from him. Did she even know why she left him forever?
“AJ I don’t know what to say right now.” She mumbled.
He stood up and walked over to her, placing his hands on her shoulders. “Say you love me. If you do Elle, say it. Tell me why you left me. Tell me that you want to be with me again. You know we’re supposed to be together. Have you ever felt the way you feel when we’re together with anyone else?” He moved his hands lower, encircling her waist. Elle closed her eyes, the feel of AJ’s hands on her intoxicating her. She should have been shouting, “Stop, stop it AJ.” But she didn’t. She couldn’t. His fingers reminding her of everything she had missed all these years, everything she secretly longed for every night.
“AJ I can’t hurt Howie.” Tears continued to spill from her eyes as he cradled her.
“Do you love Howie?”
Did she? “He loves me AJ, I can’t hurt him.”
“I wasn’t asking if he loves you Elle. Do you love him?” He repeated.
She broke away from AJ’s arms and turned to face him. “Ugh! What does it matter? I’m with him AJ!” She started walking towards the door.
“You don’t love him. Be with me Elle. Don’t leave me again.” He wasn’t yelling, he wasn’t getting angry. He was simply talking to her. He wasn’t sure what would work anymore. “You know I’d die to get you back.”
She turned, “AJ don’t talk like that, you’ve got to get over this.”
“Are you over it?”
Again she couldn’t answer, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for what I did to you, but it....” She wiped her wet nose and cheeks, “...It was a long time ago. I said and did things I didn’t mean, but its too late now. We’ve got to move past this Alex, we’re not kids anymore.”
Alex.
He reached for her arm, “Elle, its not to late. I’m still here.” He looked over her crimson cheeks, flushed from the tears was crying. No matter how mad he was at her, it broke his heart to see her crying. He put a hand to her face, rubbing his thumb over her warm skin. “Baby, I’m here.”
His words made her tears fall harder, and she had to use all power not to crumble into his arms at that moment. “Ale-....AJ...I’ve got to go. I’m sorry....I can’t do this. I’ve got to...I’ve gotta go.” She broke away once more and opened the door.
“Elle...” He sighed.
She looked back at him, “I’m...I....I’m sorry.” She pulled the door shut in his face, knowing she was walking out on the one man who truly understood her. She hoped he realized how she really felt, because she couldn’t tell him.
She ran back into her room to find Howie sitting patiently on the bed waiting for her. He stood up as soon as he saw her, and she ran into his arms crying uncontrollably. Howie’s mouth hung open, shocked at her state, as she hugged the life out of him. He wrapped his arms around her in return, holding her shaking body, as her tears fell on his shoulder.
“Elle...” He whispered, “Baby calm down....shhhh....” He stroked her hair and rubbed her back. “It’s alright....shhhhh....” He rocked her slowly, and it seemed like an eternity before she ever calmed down. When he thought it was safe, Howie pulled himself away from her slightly and looked at her flushed, tear stained face.
“Baby...” He smoothed the hair out of her face and tucked it behind her ears. Cupping her face, he kissed her cheek gently, she was burning up.
“Howie...” She cried, quietly now, her arms pulled him in again, needing his strength.
“I’m here Elle...” He cradled her again, wondering what could have happened, but knowing now was not the time to ask.
“Howie?” She whimpered.
“Yes?”
“Will you make love to me?”
He pulled away from her again and looked in her reddened eyes, almost in disbelief. In their entire 6 months together, they had not made love even once. She had always told him she wasn’t ready. Inside, she wasn’t ready because she felt if her and Howie did make love, she would really be over AJ. All she wanted to do now was forget him.
“Elle, now? Honey....we’ve....you need to...”
“Please?”
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