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Hey guys, letting you know I'm still alive! Almost done with the next chapter in Impalpable. Hope you still love me! Anyway I'm usually a Nick/A.J. girl but this muse was too good to pass up! Enjoy!


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Disclaimer: I do not own The Backstreet Boys but I do own the words, sentences, and plot. Spank you very much. :)
Dedication: To Nick and Kevin–Just come out the closet will you?
Feedback: A MUST. YOU READ IT. YOU REVIEW.

Transcendence of Love

“It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.”

I do not know who said that, but it’s something that remains in my mind daily. I’ve decided to write about my lost love not for attention or pity but to help me let go of my past. This one night changed me, though I do not fully comprehend exactly how much. Life became a blur and who I was beforehand and who I turned into molded together so perfectly that I can only guess the conversions. What transpired that evening was both an awakening and a death.

This is my story of loving and losing.

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The magnitude of the night was captivating, its stars glowed like angels in their homes and its wind danced a ballet with the trees. The bed and breakfast we were staying at reminded me of childhood fairytales of escape and happiness, the veranda like a dreamworld I wished never to leave.

It was summer and the hot August night left our skins shining with perspiration. Tea lights were placed most everywhere they could and white Christmas lights adorned the screened walls helping to create a mystic country grace.

We sat, on wicker chairs, sipping drinks and talking lazily. It was one of those moments you wanted to freeze and save forever in your pocket just so you could hold it when you were sad.

I was trying my hardest not to look at him. Though he was seated directly across from me and doing the most talking. My attempt to ignore the way his eyes reflected the tea lights or the way the Christmas lights shone on his skin was failing miserably. He was perfection personified.

His romantic elegance and masculine integrity was melting me. Since the day I met him I was captivated; he was, no, *is,* a life force that surges throughout me in such a way I can barely breathe. I felt like his aura just enveloped me, it cradled me when my soul was down and lifted me when life treated me well.

I can’t say exactly when I fell in love with him, but I can say that on that night I was lost in him. Everything I thought I had felt was reinforced to such an extent that I didn’t think I was in love with him, I knew I was in love with him. My heart ached in want and my stomach twisted with anxiety.

Looking at him in the voluptuous night fascinated me. My enchantment of him though, was what inevitably brought me down. It was the reality of realization. He was married. And as I sit here and write this I feel fat tears drip down my face. It was my own fault. I let myself fall in love with someone I could never have. He and Kristin were and still are so happy together. I let myself fall for the one person I could never have.

I’m sobbing now. My heart is breaking again, just as it did that night. His name swims out of my mouth and flies through dead air.

“Kevin. Oh God, Kevin, I love you, love you, love you! How did this happen! I wasn’t supposed to love you like this!” My body shakes, my hands tremble as I type his name.

Kevin. Kevin Kevin Kevin. Kevin.

I thought I had a chance with him. That I could make him love me. That I could take his hands–Oh his hands! He used to hold my own hands when I was sick or sad or just because, he loved me as a son, a brother, and his hands would gather me up and protect me, his hands...–and tell him how I felt. And he would drop to his knees and confess he loved me too.

It was silly. I was twenty-five not twelve. But I sat there all night, dissolving myself into his gaze. Letting my smile drift onto my face so obviously whenever he looked at me.

And then Kristin called his cell. And I saw a smile on his face that I knew I could never give him. His eyes lit up when she spoke, he face glistened in absolute love.

And I knew I could never tell him. I loved him so much that I made the ultimate sacrifice. I released my desire to have him love me back for his happiness with Kristin. I knew my heart was bleeding, my soul tearing itself apart, weeping for the love I could not ever have.

It was at that moment that a large gust of wind blew most all the tea lights out. He hung up with Kristin and looked at me, at my stricken face. He knew I was jilted, knew something was wrong. The smoke from the wind smothered candles lifted and surrounded our faces, the ghosts of what my passion for him was.

“Nicky? What’s wrong little bro?”

And my fate was sealed. I was his ‘little bro.’ Just a friend, a band mate. He would never know what I gave up for him. But his happiness, even though I lost mine, was so important to me. If having him meant he would be unhappy I didn’t want it. I let some of the melted wax into my hand. It hardened slowly and I crushed it, watching the pieces break apart like I knew my heart was doing.

“Nothing, I’m fine Kev.” I knew he heard the shaking in my voice, his intense eyes searched mine but he found nothing. I locked myself away. He sighed and nodded, and I painted on a smile just for him.

I’ve kept this to myself for years, I’ve even tried to block it from my mind. The memory just burned too much. As the tears dry on my face I put it all behind me. I’m meeting him and the fellas for dinner in an hour. I know that writing this and putting it behind me will help ease my pain. Looking at him won’t taunt me as much. Feeling the touch of his hands won’t send tingles down my spine or send tears to my eyes.

I made a decision. The right decision. My whole life I had been selfish, but not anymore. Love does that to you.

-

The last of my tears have dried; they make my face feel stiff. It’s time for me to return to the now and forget the then. To move on past Christmas lights and tea light candles, to move on from wicker chairs and hot summer breezes. It’s time for me to take that image of Kevin sitting there across from me and tuck it away forever in my mind and dreams.

He taught me to never regret, not ever. He taught me that regret is as bad as anything and that no matter what you do to never lament it.

I love you Kevin, though you may never know it. And I do not regret letting you go. Why? Because I look at you now and see how happy you are with your beautiful wife and I know that releasing you allowed you to remain happy and fulfilled. When you love someone as much as I love you, your own happiness does not matter as much as the one you love’s happiness. You taught me that also.

You will never completely understand how you’ve impacted my life, but I’m okay with that. I am nothing but a small tea light, but with you as my friend and brother I am the moon. I don’t need you to love me as you love Kristin to know that. You’ve helped me to live and you’ve taught me to love. I can’t have you as a lover but I can still keep you as a friend.

Love transcends even the darkest emotions.



-End-


Just a note but would anyone want to create graphics for me? Paint sucks balls and not in the fun way and I want pretty pictures to amuse me! Yay! ::Gets distracted by a shiny object::