Deep and Wide
Nick lay in bed, just staring at the clock and watching the hours slip by. He was too anxious to sleep, both in anticipation of the trip and also a little fearful of what might happen. In his head, he concocted one plan after another to catch Ariana in a lie or to inadvertently let it slip to Howie what he had seen in the park. He knew it had to be done. He couldn’t continue to hide the truth from his family any longer especially knowing that she was basically buying poison.
What was she using that for? It’s not like the herb could really be used for anything else besides hurting or killing something. Could Howie’s wife actually be capable of doing something like that? And that sack of money, could she really be one of the bad guys?
He sat up and scratched his head as he moved to swing his legs off the side of the bed. Suddenly a chill ran up and down his spine. It was a feeling he hadn’t felt in a long time, but he found himself feeling as if he wasn’t safe.
For years after his abduction, once he was old enough to figure out exactly what had happened to him, he began having terrible nightmares of Patty’s father holding a lighter to him, ready to have him burn. He sometimes woke up with the smell of gasoline still in his throat and lungs as if it had all happened just yesterday.
Memories of being pulled away from his mother as she begged to be let go, all of them had suddenly came out of the woodwork almost a full year after it all happened. It was like a cruel joke. Losing his mother wasn’t enough but he also found himself reliving the nightmare that occurred before she died.
His mind refused to let him go there as he grew older but there were times, in the middle of the night for no reason at all, that he would find himself awake and terrified. All alone in a dark room, just like how it was for him when he was locked away with nothing but a stuffed animal to keep him company. On those nights, nothing could soothe his mind, so he would find himself running to his desk and hiding under there until night had passed.
He never confessed to anyone that he ever did that and eventually he just kind of stopped, but tonight was proving to be one of those nights for him. Feeling restless and alone, looking around his room and remembering the terror he felt as a young child not realizing what a dangerous situation he was in.
When he started to feel like this, he would find himself having a hard time breathing, almost to the point of hyperventilating. He hated feeling like that, but there wasn’t much he could do about it until it passed.
The memories of what had happened to him were so vague, really more like a series of photo images in his mind. Some guys randomly coming in and acting like they cared one minute only to brush him off and push him away the next. All he wanted was someone to play with, someone to tell him that his family loved him and he would be safe no matter what. Those reassurances never came though, the man who watched him…sometimes, when he wasn’t preoccupied doing other things, would seldom even acknowledge Nick’s presence. Talking on the phone as he smoked and ate, not even offering the child any food.
Those are things he remembered, being so hungry and so alone. Now as a teenager, he found himself wiping away a few tears as he sat disgusted with himself. He had vowed to never go back to that time, ever again. It hurt too much to remember.
He stood up and walked over to the window, looking out into the dark empty sky. It was weird that there weren’t any clouds or stars. It was just that, empty. Maybe he was making a mistake, he thought to himself as he sat on the ledge of his window. Maybe he should pretend he was sick and not go camping with the enemy.
What if he was wrong and it was all just a simple case of having an over-active imagination? Howie would probably never want to have anything to do with him ever again and Kevin would be beyond pissed. But worse yet, what if he was right?
“No wonder I can’t sleep.” He muttered to himself as he sighed and let out a yawn.
Still he felt uneasy until it occurred to him that his big brothers were all there in the same house. That hadn’t happened in such a long time. He could barely remember the time when Kevin used to live with them. It felt good, but he knew it was all going to come to an end. For now though, maybe he’d utilize the fact that with them, he was safe so he gathered his pillow and blanket and made his way down the stairs.
Kevin was having his own trouble sleeping as he lay down on one of the two couches in the living room. The snoring coming from the other was almost unbearable. “Brian…” He whispered, hoping that would cause his little brother to stir into a quiet slumber, but his attempt was unsuccessful. “I need a place of my own…” He said as he sat up, ready to put on the television just as he saw Nicky walking down the stairs with blanket and pillow in hand.
“What’s up buddy?” He asked the youngest who seemed surprised and a bit embarrassed that someone caught him in the act of being vulnerable.
“Uh…nothing…I just felt like sleeping down here with you guys again.”
“Good luck with that, listen to him.” Kevin pointed over at Brian just as he let out another huge snore. “I don’t think anyone can sleep with that going on.”
“I’ll wake him up and offer him my bed.”
Kevin couldn’t help but laugh, “Oh very nice Nick, you know you could always offer me your bed since I’m awake.” The look on his little brother’s face was priceless. Kevin couldn’t help but smile and know that the reason he offered up his bed to Brian was so that they could have some quality time together.
“Uh…yeah I guess…if you want.”
“Why don’t you just come on over and lay down here next to me.”
“Kevin, that’s gay.”
“There’s more than enough room.”
“Than why didn’t you offer it to my ass?” Came AJ’s groggy voice from the floor.
“I forgot you were down there buddy…sorry.”
“Right, you only almost stepped on me three times…can I take your bed Nicky?” Before he could even answer though, AJ was standing up and gathering his things. “Night you two.”
“Hey what if I said no!” Nick shouted after him.
“I knew you wouldn’t…you love me too much.”
“Yeah, right.” Nick rolled his eyes as he threw his stuff on the ground much to the amusement of Kevin.
“Why are you screaming?” A groggy Brian asked.
“Thank God…man B, you were snoring really loudly.” Nick giggled as he settled himself under his covers, listening to his two older brothers go at it.
“What? I do not.”
“Yeah, you do.”
“Oh please…” Brian rolled over to face the couch and away from his family members, pulling his blanket over his head and trying to shut them out.
“Nicky, is everything alright?”
Nick looked over at Kevin and just for a second thought about spilling everything to him right then and there, but now was not the time he finally decided. “Just didn’t want to be alone.” He admitted as he scooted closer towards Kevin. The movement didn’t go unnoticed.
“Nick, there really is enough room on here for the two of us as long as we sleep on opposite ends. Come on…” He pat the couch in a loving gesture and Nick was glad to oblige.
“Do you remember when you were a little boy; you used to always end up sleeping right next to me all the time? No matter where we were, you always found your way into my room.”
Nick pretended not to remember, but in reality he did. Kevin was one of the only people in the world that made him feel safe. Well, Kevin and his mother but since she has been long gone, it was only his eldest brother that really provided Nicky with the security he needed. He knew that AJ and Brian would always be there for him but that didn’t always make him feel safe. He was in AJ’s care the day he was kidnapped and that always lived in the back of his mind even though he never blamed him for a second.
As much as he wanted to rely on Brian to protect him, to see him hurt was too much to take. No, out of everyone, only Kevin really proved to be strong enough to protect him from harm. His father was no more than a fleeting thought in that department. It was so funny thinking back to the random gifts that his dad had sent to him while he was in hiding. Nick had put him so high on a pedestal, only to let the reality of what he really was set in. In truth, his father was nothing more than a coward who left his family.
“What’s on your mind Nick?” The teenager looked over at his big brother and shrugged.
“Just stuff.”
“What kind of stuff?”
“Just stuff.”
“Nick, I’m an FBI agent and a pretty good one if I do say so myself. I can kind of tell when someone is not being totally honest with me. Now what’s going on? Is this about Howie and Ariana?”
At the mention of the two people who were truly on his mind, Nick’s eyes grew wide. It wasn’t like he could lie now or that maybe he shouldn’t lie. “Yeah, maybe, why would you even say that?”
“Brian told me that you thought she was having an affair and with us getting ready to spend and entire weekend with them, I had a feeling that you were thinking about that.”
‘So Brian spilled the beans,’ he thought to himself. “Yeah, maybe a little. Sometimes I think maybe she’s not as nice as everyone thinks she is.”
Kevin pulled his blanket up closer to his chest, “Well, if you’re right and she is having an affair, she isn’t as nice as she seems. Where do you think you saw this?”
“I don’t even remember.” He stuttered when he said that.
“Let’s just hope you have an overactive imagination.”
“Yeah,” Nick quietly agreed, knowing that Kevin was wrong.
“Anything else bothering you?”
Even though he knew he could talk about it with Kevin, there was always a feeling of embarrassment that came with the past. Why bring it all up now after so much time had gone by? “I was just thinking about the past…that’s all.”
“How far into the past?”
“Far enough…”
“You wanna talk about it?” Kevin knew exactly where Nick’s mind had gone because he sometimes felt his own mind going there. Just the memories of how incredibly scared everyone was when he went missing. To this day, he remembers the way he felt when Howie had cracked that code and he realized his baby brother was in danger. With the amount of time he spent thinking about it, he knew that those memories also had to be a part of his brother’s life.
“Nah…I’m kind of tired now.”
Kevin nodded and lovingly brushed his brother’s leg with his own, “Okay, I’ll let you off the hook. Goodnight Nicky and remember I love you.”
“Same here.”
They both just laid there, neither one able to sleep as the sun slowly crept its way out from behind the starless sky.
“I haven’t been camping in ages.” Ariana confessed to her husband as she packed her second can of bug spray. Howie thought that was pretty funny as he placed some flashlights into a bag.
“Honey, I really don’t think we’ll need THAT much spray.”
“You never know.”
“I love you for agreeing to go camping sweetheart.” She turned around and wrapped herself in his arms.
“It’s because I love you that I’m agreeing to go in the first place.”
He nodded and she bit her lip and said the next thing, “There is something I need to tell you though.”
“What?”
“I really didn’t want to say anything because well…I know he’s just a child, but…”
Now Howie’s look grew more serious “What is it?”
“Honey, I think Nick has a secret little crush on me.”
He laughed at that, “Well who wouldn’t? You’re gorgeous.”
“Stop!” She rolled her eyes at him as she continued, “I mean a serious one, and I’ve caught him following me around when he should be in school.”
His smile quickly faded, “Really?”
She nodded, “I didn’t want to say anything because well…I didn’t want to get him in trouble, but the other day I saw him in the park, he was watching me and he probably thinks I was cheating on you or something.” She let out a sly little laugh and shook her head.
“Now, why would he think that?”
“Because I had met up with an old friend Joe…you remember me telling you about him?”
“Vaguely.”
“Yeah, I met him in the park the other day and we sat and talked and laughed and then he kissed me on the cheek. It was no big deal, but I just wanted you to know. Nicky seemed very upset by it. After it happened he made his presence known and stormed away.”
“How come you didn’t tell me about that?”
“Because it was embarrassing and I felt so bad for him, the thing is, afterwards we met up and he vowed he was going to tell you how I was cheating and that he was going to try to make up some lies to get you to leave me.”
Howie seemed completely shocked and appalled by what he was hearing, “He did that? I can’t picture him saying something like that.”
“I know, I was shocked too…he seemed so angry and mean. I’ve never seen him like that before but then again I guess he has been changing lately, didn’t he try to shoplift the other day?”
“Supposedly but Kevin said it was some prank.”
“Well, of course Kevin WOULD say that…I mean it’s his baby brother.”
“I’ll cancel this trip if you want? Are you not going to be comfortable around Nicky?”
She wiped away a few fake tears and shook her head at her husband.
“He’s just a little boy Howie, I’ll be fine. I just wanted you to know, just in case it came up or he showed some hostility towards me. I might see if he and I can go take a walk together to straighten things out.”
Howie nodded his head in agreement, “Maybe that’s a good idea. Or I can talk to him if you want.”
“We’ll see if it needs to get to that point or not.”
“I’m sorry baby, I had no idea. Maybe I should tell Kevin.”
“No! Don’t honey…that’s one of the reasons I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to put you into that situation.”
“But if he’s stalking you, that’s not right honey.”
“He only has done it once or twice.”
“That you have seen…” Her husband was so predictable. He was completely acting just the way she had hoped he would.
“It’s not a big deal; he just has an overactive imagination and probably just sees us being together forever.”
“That worries me; I told Kevin awhile ago that Nicky should see a therapist after everything that had happened to him.”
Ariana nodded sympathetically, “I know, the poor baby has been through so much pain. It’s a wonder he hasn’t ended up in jail, in a mental hospital…or worse yet…dead.”
“God, don’t even say that.”
“Howie, you know what I mean. I mean, look at how high the rate of teen suicide is. I worry about him.”
“Yeah, I do too.” He agreed as he moved to Ariana and wrapped his arms around her.
As she allowed him the hug, she actually felt as if she did indeed need one. There was so much anger and hostility built up inside her at all times that sometimes she felt as if she might burst. It was almost exhausting to hate someone as much as she hated Kevin Richardson Senior, not junior. She was actually quite fond of Kevin junior and always had been. In fact, if it wasn’t so morally wrong of her to do so, it would be Kevin she would have married and not his best friend.
Just thinking about the man who had ruined her whole life made her body tighten to the point that her husband actually noticed. “What’s wrong?”
She pulled away from him, “Nothing…just that we should really get our stuff into the car so we aren’t late picking up Kevin and Nick.”
“Are you sure you’re okay with this Ariana?”
“Baby, it’s a crush…he just must have a thing for older women.”
Howie winked at his wife, “Yes, like me!”
“Oh please…I’m only a few years older than you.”
“A few is enough.” He squeezed her butt as he grabbed one of the many bags that littered their bedroom. “Okay I’m going to start getting this stuff into the car.”
“Okay, I’ll be there in a minute.” Her eyes followed him as he walked out the door.
She almost felt bad about what she was going to do. Sometimes taking a few deep breaths helped her to calm her emotions when they were at this level of vulnerability. ‘Just breathe and remember Ariana…you are doing this for your mom and dad.’ she closed her eyes and did her best to once again focus on what needed to be done.
It wasn’t Kevin’s fault or Nicky’s fault; they just were in the way and preventing her from getting to her real target. She knew back then when this whole kidnapping scheme was concocted, that it would lure him out of the shadows and into the spotlight. If that didn’t do it, then killing his wife would have. Maybe it was mean of her to kill Jackie either way, but she was still so angry.
Seeing how much of an impact it had on the family, she felt bad about it most nights, like if she could undo one of the more terrible things she has ever done, killing Mrs. Richardson would be it.
But she just didn’t have the power and when the tables were turned Kevin senior never hesitated to kill her mother and father both! Leaving her to be an orphan without even so much as an ‘I’m sorry’ or anything.
Maybe her life would have been so much different if he didn’t run into her house that night, take out a gun and shoot them dead while she watched. Maybe things would have gone another way entirely if she wasn’t forced into foster care and repeatedly abused by people who were supposed to care for her. Maybe she wouldn’t have taken such a drastic and dark turn if instead of being found by a family of homicidal maniacs she was instead brought to her real biological father.
Unfortunately for her though, it didn’t go that way and instead she was forced to remember that every single day of her life. The look on his face when he broke into the house and shot her parents was so cold and unforgiving. He had turned and looked at her then, and all he could do was shake his head and walk away. He didn’t even try to console her as she cried and held onto her baby doll. No, he left that for someone else. Some random FBI agent came and placed their jacket around her shoulders as he took one final look at her mother.
As she was carried out of the room she saw him looking at her too, he seemed sad but at the time, she could care less. He had killed her mother and for that she would never forgive him. Even at the tender age of 8 years old, she knew she could never forgive him.
It wasn’t until later on…until much later on that she had discovered the truth and that was the scar she carried on her heart. The scar that ran deep and wide through her entire body, she would never be able to get rid of it. It was an ugly scar and no matter how hard she tried to forget, she never could.
So, if having to go to the extreme by killing off some of his sons was the only way to destroy him, so be it. She was willing to make that sacrifice. An eye for an eye and as far as she figured, he owed her many eyes.
What sucked the most is, he was the one thing she wanted more than anything else in the world. She thought about that too at first, when she found out his identity after years of looking for him, the man who killed her parents. She even got a job working as a cleaner in the FBI headquarters to get closer to him, find the answers, and see what made him tick.
When she figured out the truth of the situation, she almost confronted him on it. She wanted to come right out and tell him who she was, but instead she acted like she just came into the men’s room to change the toilet paper rolls. Maybe if she had been honest right then and there, told him who she was and the thing she had rehearsed so many times, the thing she found herself saying to her empty bedroom right now, “remember forever ago when you broke into my house and killed my parents? Yes, I was that little girl, oh and something else… when you stood over my mother’s dead body, did you for even one second think, how could I have done such a horrible thing to a woman I had a child with? Did you ever stop and think that daddy?” Maybe if she said that, everything would have been different.
But she never did. Instead she just pretended he was any other guy and it was any other day. She heard him pick up his phone and call his wife, checking up on their three kids and telling each one he loved them.
She was so jealous and so angry, she knew then that one day those kids would pay.
“Seems like that day has come…”
She shook off her memories and made her way out of the bedroom to meet her husband and spend the weekend with her half brothers.
