Chapter 11

    The next morning when Alyssa awoke, the first thing on her mind was the events of the night before. It had sure been an interesting night. Between Izzy announcing that she was pregnant and her conversation with Nick out on the balcony, there was plenty for her to mull over.

    I can't believe my best friend is pregnant, she thought to herself, trying to picture Izzy with a baby in her arms. She found that she had a hard time trying to imagine the scene. Not that Izzy wouldn't be a great mother, but it was just strange to think of her as one. Of course she knew that Tristan would stick by her, because that was just the kind of guy he was. She's very lucky to have him.

    Evidently, Izzy had discovered that she was pregnant during her first week in New York. When they went out to lunch, she had suspected, but wasn't sure yet. She didn't mention it to Alyssa because she wanted to make absolutely positive before she told anyone and what would have been the point if it had just been a little scare?

    Alyssa supposed she could understand that. She herself knew what it was like to have a pregnancy scare. In the middle of the Black and Blue tour, she began to feel tired all the time and dizzy. She thought nothing of it, until she realized that she was late. She had immediately panicked and in the long run probably made things worse on herself. She was just at the point where she was going to go out and buy a pregnancy test, when she collapsed on stage during one of the shows. She was rushed to the hospital, only to find out that she was not pregnant at all, but had been battling a bad case of the flu that was beginning to border on pneumonia. She had just been pushing herself so hard, that she hadn't really listened to her body telling her to slow down.

    Besides she would've never known how to tell Nick anyway. It was hard to tell how he would react to something like that. On one hand, she could see him being happy about it. Especially after the whole Katie fiasco, she added. Yet, on the other hand she could see it pushing them further apart at a time when things had finally began to get better again.

    Thinking about Nick brought her back to their conversation last night. What had that been all about? She was actually quite surprised that Nick had opened up so much to her, especially after them being apart for three years. But then again Nick could surprise you like that. At times, he was an extremely difficult person to read. Sometimes she found she always had to go back after having a deep conversation with him and think about what it was that he was really saying. Take last night for example. The whole friendship thing? "As of right now, I want you as a friend and just a friend. Whether something more comes of it, that's only for time to tell. Right now I just need people by my side. And I know that you're a very jealous person Alyssa, so I just want to warn you that by accepting my friendship you are accepting my lifestyle. If you see me with other girls, you can't get angry or jealous alright?" He had seemed to make it clear that if she did accept his friendship, he was not going to change the way he lived his life.

    And can I handle that? Izzy's words from the night before came back to her. "Now he's so into partying and drinking and living the life of a bachelor..." Of course Alyssa had yet to see him in action. How bad could he really be? If anything she was more worried about how she would react if she saw him with another girl, knowing that Nick would never look at her that way again.

    Or would he? He had said something about maybe "something more coming of it." Was it possible that he hadn't completely ruled out the possibility of them resuming a relationship? Alyssa sighed. The situation was a complicated one. If she didn't accept his friendship she would be back at square one and left wondering what might have happened if she had. But if she did accept it, she'd have to totally change her attitude towards him and be accepting of the fact that he was free to see other girls. Of course there also was that small hope that he would change his mind. Weighing out her options left Alyssa to wonder, If I can't have him in a romantic sense, is it a good idea to keep him as a friend?

    She rolled over and buried her head in her pillow in frustration. Why did things between her and Nick have to be so complicated? She swore that two of them had probably had the world's least conventional relationship in the universe. Even from early on in their relationship, life seemed to like to throw every monkey wrench that it could at them.

*********

    Alyssa smoothed her hands over the smooth material of her lacy pink and black camisole tank top once more as she rang Nick's doorbell. She had spent hours getting ready for tonight, actually taking the time to blow dry her thick unruly hair straight, and apply her makeup meticulously. Really tonight would be the first night since they had started dating where they would be sure to be seen together and she figured if her picture was going to end up in some tabloid, she at least wanted to look good.

    After a few moments, Nick answered the door. To Alyssa's dismay he was not even dressed to go out. In fact, he was dressed in a pair of baggy gray sweats, a white shirt, and his hair was sticking up in all different directions. From the looks of it she doubted if he had even showered yet. Ignoring his appearance at first, Alyssa stepped inside and leaned up to kiss him. "Happy birthday," she greeted.

    "Thanks," Nick said, sounding a little glum as he shut the door.

    "What's wrong?" she immediately asked, picking up on his sour attitude. "You're not even dressed yet and you look like your dog just died or something. I don't think this is how you're supposed to act when you finally turn 21."

    "Sorry," he apologized, as he ran his hand through his hair. "I'm just a little out of it. You're right. I should probably go upstairs and start getting ready to go out."

    Alyssa's eyes softened a little bit. "How did your meeting with Jive go today?"

    Nick sighed. It was quite evident that Alyssa had hit the nail right on its nose with what had been bothering him. "Well, this isn't exactly how I wanted to tell you, but I found out some good news and bad news today."

    Uh oh... she thought. Whenever someone used the "good news and bad news" phrase it was never a good thing. With a feeling of dread in her stomach she went over to the couch and sat down. "Okay, well I guess we start with the good news, right?"

    Nick nodded as he sat down beside her. " I just found out that we're going to start recording for our next album in a little less than 3 weeks."

    "That's great news Nick!" she exclaimed. "I know how you guys can't wait to get back into the studio. I don't see where the bad news comes in."

    She noticed that Nick looked away for a second as if to collect his thoughts. "There is bad news," he explained, as he took a deep breath. "We start recording on Feb 15th in Sweden and we'll be over there laying down tracks for about six weeks."

    "Six weeks?" Alyssa yelped. Six weeks seemed like an eternity to her, especially since they hadn't even been dating that long.

    Nick gravely nodded his head. "I knew it was inevitable that I'd have to go to Europe to record at least parts of the album, but I never expected it to be this soon into our relationship, or for this long."

    Alyssa thought for a moment and then her face seemed to light up. "I'll go with you! The semester just started, so I can easily withdraw from school and get my tuition refunded. I'm sure I can work something out with work and-"

    Nick held up his hand to silence her. "Alyssa, I'd love it if you could come with me, but to be completely honest, I can't let you drop out of school for a semester, just to hang around while we record. I'm going to be putting in long hours at the studio and we wouldn't have much time left to spend together. It's really not as glamorous as you think, recording an album, and you'd be sitting around by yourself most of the time. None of the other guys are going to be bringing their significant others, so you'd be completely bored. You're better off staying here in Florida and keeping busy."

    "But I don't want to be without you," she protested, her lip trembling. "Especially when we've practically just gotten together."

    "I don't want to be without you either, babe. Why do you think I'm sitting around here so bummed?" he confessed, as he wrapped his arms around her. "But unfortunately this is my job. This isn't the first time I've had to leave a girlfriend behind and it probably won't be the last. We can keep in touch over the phone and through e-mail, and it's only six weeks. That's not too bad. I'll be home the end of March or beginning of April."

    Alyssa tried to force out a reply, but she found that she couldn't speak because her eyes were too welled up in tears. All she could do was bury her head in his chest.

    "I know how you probably feel," he said, stroking her hair. "But this is the way it is. You knew that when you decided to get involved with me."

    "I know," she managed to choke out. "I just didn't think it would be this hard."

    "I know. Me neither," he sighed. "But getting upset and crying over it isn't going to make it any better."

    He was absolutely right. By getting upset, it was only making the situation worse. She tossed back her head resolutely and wiped away the tears from her eyes with the back of her hand. "You're right. Getting upset is only going to make this harder and it's not like you're leaving tomorrow. We still have 2 1/2 weeks left together. And like you said it's only six weeks. It'll probably be over before we know it," she rambled as if the more she talked the more she actually believed what she was saying. "We're just going to have to make every minute count starting now. So, why don't you go upstairs, take a shower, and start getting ready to go out? In the meantime I'll try to fix my makeup and then I'll call everyone else and tell them we're just going to be a little late. There's no reason to ruin your birthday because of the news."

    "Okay," Nick agreed, as he looked down at where her mascara had ran all over his white shirt. "I think you owe me a load of laundry as well," he lightly joked.

    Alyssa smiled a little bit and rolled her eyes. "Just get upstairs and start getting ready."

    "Yes ma'am!" he saluted as he leapt up from the couch and headed up the stairs. Alyssa watched him as he disappeared, hugging her knees into her chest and wondering, What am I going to do without him for six whole weeks?

******

    Yea, that was the way it always was with us, Alyssa thought sullenly to herself. She should've seen the signs right there. Surely the two of them being separated so soon into their relationship was bound to cause problems between them. And ultimately it did.

   
*****

    "I think that this has been the best Valentine's Day ever," Alyssa remarked from her position leaned back against Nick's chest, staring up at the night sky. "Of course its not like I have much to compare it to being that this is the first Valentine's Day I'm actually dating anybody."

    "Well, I tried to make it as special as possible for you," Nick told her as he laid a kiss on the top of her head.

    The night had definitely been special. He had purposely kept their plans for the night a secret, so that he could surprise her. After picking her up at her apartment earlier that evening, he had driven her to the marina where they boarded his boat and set off on a romantic cruise. When they had reached what seemed to be the middle of nowhere, he had anchored the boat and they had set down to a candlelit picnic dinner. Presently, the two were nestled on the deck of the boat, sitting upon some blankets that Nick had laid out, enjoying the starry scenery.

    "It's beautiful out tonight. I can't believe it's the middle of February. In New York at this time of year you'd never consider going out on a boat because it would be freezing cold," she continued.

    "I couldn't imagine living anywhere where I couldn't be out on the water at any point in the year," he confessed to her.

    Alyssa sighed for a moment. All night they had been careful not to mention what tomorrow would bring, but it had been on her mind all night long and she was pretty sure that it had to be on Nick's too. It had been an unspoken agreement between the two of them that they not mention it, but Alyssa could feel herself begin to cave in. Seemingly out of nowhere, she turned around and buried her head in Nick's chest. "I don't want you to go tomorrow."

    Nick held her closer to him and stroked her back. "We've talked about this Alyssa. You know I have to go."

    "I know that, but it doesn't mean that I'm not going to miss you. I don't know what I'm going to do without you."

    In the last two and a half weeks whenever Alyssa wasn't in class, teaching dance classes at a local dance studio, or working as a waitress in a popular diner, she had been with Nick. The two had tried to cram just about every spare minute they could with each other and now Alyssa was beginning to wonder if that had been a smart idea. In that short period of time they had grown even closer, making his departure even more painful on her.

    "You're going to keep yourself busy with your schoolwork and your dance classes and I'm going to keep in touch as much as I possibly can," he promised. "Besides I'm sure Izzy will keep you so occupied you won't hardly notice I'm gone." Nick looked down at her and noticed a stray tear slipping down her cheek. "Hey," he said, cupping her chin to force her to look at him. "No crying. You promised."

    "I know," she sniffled as she wiped it away. "I'm sorry. I'm ruining the whole night aren't I?"

    "Definitely not," he assured her. "Why don't we open up our gifts now ok? Maybe that'll help."

    Alyssa nodded. "I'll go first," she offered, as she handed him her gift. "It's kind of cheesy, but I thought it would be a good idea."

    "Cheesy?" he asked, making a face. "This should be interesting." He opened up the package which contained a brand new camera and a photo album.

    "I thought that while you were in Sweden you could take a bunch of pictures for me, so that when you come back I'll feel as if I was there," she explained.

    "Alyssa, that's not a cheesy idea at all. I think it's a great idea! By the time I come home I promise this entire album will be full," he promised. "I'll take pictures of everything I can think of."

    "Thank you," she told him gratefully. "I'm glad you like it."

    "I love it," Nick told her, as he leaned down to kiss her. "Now it's my turn." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small wrapped package.

    "Hmm..." Alyssa said, shaking the little box. "I'm going to go with jewelry." Opening up the package she gasped as she opened. Not only was it completely beautiful, but completely original too. "You know most guys get their girlfriends like diamond earrings or bracelets, but you got me a diamond belly button ring?"

    "Yea," he said sheepishly. "I thought that you'd like it. It's something different."

    "I think it's awesome and very thoughtful of you. I'm going to go put it in as soon as I get home tonight," she told him, pretending as if everything was perfectly normal. Who am I kidding? she wondered. She couldn't just toss aside her feelings about his leaving tomorrow even if she was the best actress in the world.

    "Nick, I can't do this!" she exclaimed as she threw herself into his arms. "I'm sorry, but I can't just ignore the fact that tomorrow you're leaving for halfway around the world."

    "All right," Nick agreed as he held her close to him. "If you want we can talk about it, if it'll make you feel better."

    "I don't want to talk. I just want you to hold me." Alyssa could not even believe that she had actually said those words until after they had came out of her mouth. She had thought that only couples in cheesy romantic films actually said phrases like that. Never in a million years had she actually considered that she could say something like that with a completely straight face.

    Nick nodded and drew her closer. Alyssa closed her eyes and tried as much as she could to capture as much as she could about this moment, so that she could remember it in detail later on. The feeling of his arms around her body... The scent of his cologne... She didn't even realize that she had started to cry again until she noticed a wet splotch on his tie. "Sorry," she apologized as she looked up at him. "I know I said I wouldn't cry anymore."

    He reached up to wipe away the tears from her eyes. "At least your mascara didn't run all over me this time," he joked.

    "Yea," she said with a laugh. "This time I made sure to wear waterproof since I anticipated that I'd wind up blubbering."

    There was a pause as Nick's hand floated downwards to tilt her chin. For a moment the two stared deeply into each others eyes, and Alyssa noticed for the first time that night, just how gorgeous he looked in the moonlight. If she could freeze time right at that moment, she would. Before her mind could process another thought, Nick's lips were over hers. Closing her eyes, she forced her mind to fully concentrate on the kiss, which was steadily growing deeper. Again, she tried to memorize every detail that she could from the softness of his lips down to the taste of his tongue. She was so caught up in the moment that she barely even noticed that they were getting more and more horizontal, until Alyssa could feel her head laying back against the soft blankets beneath her. She didn't even object when he reached upwards to slip off the black shrug that she had been wearing around her shoulders.

    Alyssa shivered slightly as the night air hit her skin, but she soon forgot all about being cold as Nick continued to plant kisses down her neck and shoulders. It wasn't until one of his hands found its way to the string that tied her mulberry colored halter style sundress and began to play with it, that it hit her what was going on. Under normal circumstances, after such a romantic night as this, in such a romantic location, she might have considered it. The fact that he was leaving tomorrow and was going to be away so long, restrained her though.  She definitely didn't want to take a step like this with him and then not see him again for six weeks. I can't, she realized, as she found herself pulling away.

    "What's wrong?" Nick asked her, brushing a piece of hair from her forehead.

    "I'm sorry," she apologized, for what seemed like the hundredth time that night as she sat up and adjusted the halter tie on her dress. "I just can't do this. Not tonight. Not with you leaving me tomorrow morning."

    Alyssa had to turn away as she watched the expression on Nick's face fall. "What difference does it make?" he tried to argue.

   "You're leaving for Sweden tomorrow morning! That's what difference it makes," she answered, a little firmer than she originally wanted the words to sound. Alyssa sighed. She definitely didn't want to spend their last few hours together arguing over sex. In a softer tone of voice she attempted to explain herself. "I just don't want us to get too close by having sex and then have to deal with you leaving. Don't you think that after something like that, it'll make us being apart even harder?"

    "I guess you're right," Nick reluctantly agreed. Even though he had given in, Alyssa wondered if he really did see her point, or if he just didn't want to argue with her tonight.

    "I feel like such a bitch. Honestly if you weren't leaving tomorrow it would be a completely different story," she tried to tell him.

    Nick didn't say anything for a moment. He just rose and looked out at the water. "We should probably start back now. I have to be at the airport early tomorrow."

    Alyssa knew that this was his way of ending the subject, but there was one more thing that she had to say before they laid the matter to rest. She stood up and approached him from behind. Laying a hand on his shoulder she told him in a soft voice, "I know that you don't want to talk about it anymore, but I promise when you get home things will be different."

*******

    How stupid was I? Alyssa criticized herself as she remembered that night. She had been like a completely different person back then. So innocent and naive and trusting of Nick. She often wondered whether or not things would've been different if she had decided to sleep with him that night.

    Why am I spending so much time thinking about this? she wondered. It had happened five years ago. So much had changed since then. I can't blame a decision made five years ago for all the problems Nick and I endured.

    But it was so easy to do so.

    Yea I definitely had that whole innocent virgin thing down pat. I might as well been a character in one of those disgusting romantic movies that make me want to vomit now. Just remembering their farewell at the airport made her want to gag.

*******
   
    "I'm going to miss you so much," Alyssa told Nick for about the tenth time that morning. The two were clung tightly to each other, knowing that in only a few minutes Nick was going to have to go through security and be on his way.

    "Me too," he answered, playing with her hair. "I'll call you as soon as I can."

    "You better. Call me anytime. I don't care if it's 4:00am here and I have school the next day. If you need me just pick up the phone," she instructed.

    "I will," he promised, just as Kevin approached the two.

    "Start getting everything together," Kevin told him. "We're about to get going."

    Nick just nodded and began to gather up his bags at his feet. That's when reality began to sink in and Alyssa realized that the moment she had been dreading was finally imminent. "This is really happening, isn't it?" she found herself saying out loud.

    Nick just nodded gravely. "It appears that way. Now please don't start crying or anything now. I'm coming back before you know it. You're only going to make it harder on yourself."

    "Okay," Alyssa agreed, trying to hold back the tears that she already could feel forming in her eyelids.

    Nick looked around and saw all the other guys saying what appeared to be their good-byes to their loved ones. "I guess we should just get this over with. Goodbyes suck."

    "Then let's not even say them," Alyssa suggested. "Just kiss me."

    Doing exactly that, Nick leaned down to give her a farewell kiss. Alyssa slid her arms around his neck and just began to deepen the kiss when she heard AJ's voice interrupting, "Come on you two! We're going to miss the flight!"

    Reluctantly, the pair pulled away and lingered a little bit in each others presence. "I'll call you," Nick promised, before forcing himself to turn away from her.

    As Alyssa watched him head towards the security checkpoint she realized that she couldn't let things just end like that. It just didn't seem right. Before she could even consider what she was doing she found herself calling out, "Nick!"

    He turned around and glanced back towards her for seeing what it was she wanted. "I love you!" she shouted from where she was standing.

    Are you crazy? she asked herself as soon as the words had came out of her mouth. Could she possibly be in love with him after only dating him for about six weeks? Besides he had never said those words to her before. Alyssa had never been one to toss around terms like that lightly, but something about the way it had came out seemed completely natural.

    Nick looked stunned for a moment and it looked as of he was about to open his mouth to reply when Kevin gave him a death stare and practically dragged Nick the rest of the way to security. That was the last time she had saw of him.

    Later on that evening though she got a call from Nick. The connection was horrible and Nick said that he only had a minute or so to talk.

    "We just arrived here, but we have to get settled and then I need to crash. I need to adjust to this time difference."

    "Call me back whenever you feel up to it," Alyssa told him, choosing not to bring up her dramatic declaration of love at the airport earlier that day.

    "Hey. I gotta go. We're getting ready to leave the airport," he explained. "I'll call you soon."

    "All right."

    "By the way. I love you too." Click.

*******

    Now if that's not something out of a romantic movie then I don't know what is, Alyssa thought to herself. Unfortunately, the fairytale hadn't exactly continued. At least not according to plan.

    He told me he loved me too, she scoffed. What a joke! Alyssa had to admit that Nick Carter might just be the most confusing and complex man on planet Earth.

    Yet, she still had the urge to take him up on his offer of friendship. She never could understand how this one man could make her feel so mixed up and confused. How she could both love him and hate him all at the same time.

    What am I going to do? she wondered. Completely frustrated with the situation, she pulled her blankets over her head and decided to try to go back to sleep. She still had no clue if she was going to show up to the concert on Saturday or not.



Author's Note: In planning this story somehow along the line I lost a year and probably should have made Alyssa and Nick a year younger when they met. Anyway, this IS fan fiction, so just bear with me. Even though it's not chronologically correct, BSB is recording Black and Blue at this point in the flashback scenes.