Chapter 10
Okay, five minutes are definitely up, Alyssa told herself as she critically took one last glance at herself in the bathroom mirror. She still had no clue what she wanted to say to Nick. She was relying on instinct and the hope that perhaps he would take some initiative in the conversation as well. Gripping both bottles of beer that she still had in her hands she headed down the hall and stopped outside in front of the balcony doors. Taking a deep breath she stepped outside into the cool night air.
The balcony was actually quite small, so between herself, Nick, and AJ there really wasn't all that much room. Nick was sitting to her left on a chair with his legs stretched out and resting on the railing, while AJ sat on her right. Both were smoking cigarettes.
"Hi. I thought I'd come out and keep you guys some company," she tentatively spoke up.
They both turned up and looked at her and AJ stood up. "Here have a seat," he offered her.
"Are you sure?" she asked.
"Yea," he said as he put out his cigarette. "I'm going to go back inside anyway. I've been out here for a while."
That was real subtle AJ, she thought as she sat down in the chair that he had been sitting in. "Thanks."
"I'll see you two later," he told them as he stepped inside leaving Alyssa and Nick alone together and in an awkward silence for the second time that night.
"I thought since I was coming out here I'd bring you a drink," Alyssa finally spoke up, remembering the beer in her hand. She placed it on the small table that sat between them and slid it over to him.
"Thanks," he answered as he examined the label. "Corona, huh? You remembered."
"How could I forget your favorite," she wistfully responded. "I saw you come in and I heard how Izzy treated you. I yelled at her for you."
"You didn't have to do that for me Alyssa," he assured her, taking a sip of his beer. "I can handle myself."
"I did it because she was rude. She shouldn't have treated you that way regardless of what may be going on between the two of you."
Nick shrugged. "I wish I knew what I did. Lately we just haven't been very close and then today when I decide to try to make up for it by coming here she treats me like shit. Yea, I was late, but I thought it was kind of like just stop by when you can."
Alyssa considered for a moment explaining to him what Izzy had told her earlier, which would certainly clear up why Izzy had been acting so strangely, but it would also be betraying her confidence. It would probably be best to not get involved and act as if she didn't know anything. "I'm not exactly sure what's going on with you guys, but I certainly hope that you two work it out. I really don't want to get in the middle of it or choose sides or anything. I only stood up for you tonight because I really thought that Iz was wrong, no matter what you might have done."
"I understand," Nick told her before changing the subject. "I didn't know that you and Iz kept in touch?"
"We didn't," Alyssa answered. "We hadn't talked since I moved back to New York. She actually just e-mailed me about 2 or 3 weeks ago to let me know that she was moving here and we got together for lunch recently. She asked if I wanted to come to the concert tonight and well... here I am."
"I see," he said, wondering why exactly she had agreed to come. Why would she want to after the way things ended with them? "So where are you living now? You're still in New York I guess."
"I'm actually living right here in Manhattan now. I just moved into an apartment after I graduated in May."
"You graduated college?" he asked.
"No, nursery school," she sarcastically replied with a lighthearted laugh. "When I came back to New York I started college again and finished up my degree. I'm going to be a teacher. That is if I can find a job."
She seems to have gotten on pretty well without me, Nick thought to himself. A new apartment in New York City, a college degree... Still a beautiful face and a very sexy body, he noted as he really gave her a good look for the first time that night. She honestly looked even better then she had a few years ago. Her hair, which had previously been dyed a medium brown color with blonde highlights, now hung long and shiny, past her shoulders. It was now a more natural dark brown color, bordering on black. She appeared as if she had gained a little bit of weight, but it looked good on her. She had always bordered on being almost too thin, and now her figure appeared much more healthy looking even though he would still consider her slender. The most striking thing about her appearance overall was something that Nick couldn't quite put his finger on exactly. Perhaps, it was in her eyes, but he sensed a certain sort of maturity about her that hadn't been there before. Something about her seemed almost aloof and he realized that there was pain there. The pain of someone who had loved and lost. Have I done this to her? he wondered as a wave of guilt rushed over him.
"Well, you seem to be doing pretty well for yourself," he spoke as soon as he found his voice again. "Do you live by yourself or do you have a room mate?" It was the most indirect way he could think of to try to find out if she had moved on with someone else after him.
"By myself," she told him. "I really don't know anyone here besides my sister and Izzy."
That answered that question right there. "How are your sisters?" he politely asked.
Alyssa went on and explained to him all about Meg's marriage and Stephanie's college. Frankly she was getting sick of retelling the whole spiel about her sisters lately. Nick seemed to be listening intently to her every word, but she wondered if he really was. If only she could know what it was that he was thinking!
Finally, Alyssa began to feel that she was running out of words about herself. Besides, she wanted to hear about what he had been up to as well. After a pause she turned the conversation over to him. "So, what have you been up to?"
Nick just shrugged. "Nothing too exciting actually. I put out my solo album and toured for it."
"I heard it was pretty good," she interrupted, trying to make him feel at ease.
"Well, not too many others thought so. It bombed," he told her.
"Oh," was all that she could say. Okay, so she hadn't actually listened to the album, but could it really have been that bad? "What else?" she continued, moving on from the awkward moment.
"I moved out to California. I did a little acting. I started to write a little for another possible album, when the guys and I decided to start recording another album. That's pretty much it."
"You forgot the part where you started dating America's favorite amateur porn star." The words had escaped Alyssa's mouth before she even had a chance to realize how bitchy and jealous she had just sounded. This was clearly not quite the impression that she wanted to make on him. "Sorry," she apologized. "That was uncalled for."
Nick smirked. "You know, I'll never understand what it is about you women, that makes you so bitchy towards other women that you don't even know."
"I guess its in our nature to be bitchy. We're just born bitches," she explained, immediately feeling guilty for saying anything at all. "I probably sound like the queen of all bitches now, don't I?"
"Nah," Nick replied with a grin. "I'm kind of used to all those types of comments anyway. I guess I'm not surprised things never worked out with her. Our whole relationship was like a joke to everyone else. Although, she turned out to not be the greatest person in the world anyway."
Can we not talk about this? Alyssa asked herself as she listened to him. Granted she had brought the subject up, but hearing him talk about his relationship with another woman was making her uncomfortable, especially that woman. How sad is it that he's opening up to me more about why him and Paris didn't work out then why me and him didn't?
Finally, she decided enough was enough, that she should just take the bull by the horns, and plunge right into what she really wanted to know from him. "Are you happy Nick?"
"Am I happy? What do you mean?" he asked, looking perplexed. He didn't quite follow where her random question had came from.
"The reason why you wanted to break up with me is so that you could be independent and single and free. I was just wondering if think that you made the right choice. Are you better off?"
Nick looked down at his beer bottle for a moment as if he was in deep thought. "Honestly? I think I'd have to say both yes and no. I've been through a lot these past few years and I'm not the same person that I was when we first met. Too much has happened to me since then. I needed to be single when I broke up with you. I was so confused on whether love really existed or not. I couldn't force myself to be in a relationship when I was so uncertain. Having my parents get divorced really made me think. It made me hard, cynical, bitter. I really couldn't be with you at the time and I know I didn't do the best job in explaining myself to you, because at the time I was so mixed up myself. I just knew it was for the best."
"I can understand how your parents divorce could have that effect on you and I know how much shit you had been through. That day on the beach, I reacted very selfishly. I begged you to reconsider and accused you of wanting to be with other girls. I took it way too personally. I never stopped to think that maybe it was important for you to have your space. Instead I became only concerned with what I wanted," she confessed.
"I can't blame you for that Alyssa. Anyone else probably would've reacted the same way," he assured her. "Besides I was out of line too. Throwing the ring into the ocean was a pretty stupid and hurtful thing to do."
"Yea," she agreed. "I think Izzy wanted to murder you for that one."
"What else is new?" he grumbled. "Anyway as I was saying, at the time I needed space and deep down I knew I made the right decision. You have to remember I had been seriously involved in relationships from the time I was 17 or 18 years old. I was barely single after my relationship with Mandy when I met you and those were both really serious relationships. I didn't know what it was like to be a single guy and not have to worry about anyone else. I think I needed that before I could really settle down with anyone long term."
"I can understand that," Alyssa sympathized. "Maybe it was different for me because you were my only serious relationship. I had been single for so long that I wanted to be involved with someone."
"That could be." He continued on, "Well, I did the single thing for a while and enjoyed it. I learned a lot about myself and then I guess I tried getting involved again too soon. I thought that things with Paris would work out because I had that time to myself and I was completely wrong."
"So now what? Now how do you feel?" she asked.
"Honestly Alyssa, I really don't know. There are times when I want a committed relationship again, but on the other hand I kind of like being able to just get to know lots of different girls. I date from time to time, but I haven't met anyone I want to commit myself to right now," he explained.
His answer kind of filled Alyssa with a touch of sadness for him. How bad she wanted to suggest to him that the two of them give it another try! At that moment she wanted nothing more than to take him in her arms and comfort him. To remind him what love felt like and to erase all the pain that he had been through. But that was impossible. They were both different people now and she seriously doubted that Nick wanted to resume a past relationship at this point. "So, I guess that means you really don't want me in your life right now?" she sadly asked.
Nick sighed. "We were once as close as two people can possibly get. I know feelings like that don't just disappear. I lost you once and yet here we are again. I believe that people appear in your life for certain reasons and the fact that we've crossed paths again leads me to believe that I have been given a second chance." He turned towards Alyssa, took her hand, and looked her straight on the eye. "I'd like to have you in my life again Alyssa. Not necessarily in a romantic sense, but as a friend."
Alyssa opened her mouth to reply, but he motioned for her to let him continue. "Before I hear your response, let me finish. I don't expect an answer right away. I want you to think about this long and hard. I'm going to tell it to you straight. As of right now, I want you as a friend and just a friend. Whether something more comes of it, that's only for time to tell. Right now I just need people by my side. And I know that you're a very jealous person Alyssa, so I just want to warn you that by accepting my friendship you are accepting my lifestyle. If you see me with other girls, you can't get angry or jealous alright?"
Alyssa hated to admit that he was right. Her tragic flaw was definitely her jealously. Maybe it came from her being the doomed middle child in her family, but she always felt like she couldn't be happy unless she had someone's attention. That green eyed monster had definitely played an important role in her relationship with Nick. In a way it made the bad times even worse for them. She had struggled to control it all her life, but sometimes it would rear its ugly head just as it had done only a few minutes ago when they had been talking about Paris.
Could she really remain completely indifferent to seeing him with other girls though? He was certainly entitled to do so. She didn't own him. They had no commitment. Yet, she knew that seeing him with another girl that wasn't her would drive her absolutely crazy.
Just then her thoughts were interrupted by AJ returning back onto the balcony. "Sorry to interrupt you two," he apologized, looking around guiltily. "But Izzy and Tristan want everyone inside for a minute because they have an announcement they want to make."
An announcement? I bet Tristan asked her to marry him and she's been keeping it secret all this time, Alyssa predicted. I'm going to kill her for hiding it from me!
"Thanks man. We'll be there in a minute," Nick told him. He waited for AJ to disappear back inside before continuing his conversation with Alyssa. "Look, I know its a lot to digest at once, so I'll tell you what. We're doing a show on Saturday on Long Island at Jones Beach. I'll give you my cell number. Think it all over and if you think you can handle maintaining a friendship with me come out to the show and give me a call. If you don't think you can do it, which is perfectly understandable, then you don't have to talk to me again, no questions asked. I won't hold it against you, but the choice is up to you."
"Okay," Alyssa agreed as she grabbed her cell phone from her purse. She was thankful that Nick was giving her some time to think things over because she honestly didn't know if a friendship with him would make things better or worse for her. She needed those few days to think it over.
The two exchanged numbers and then made their way back inside the apartment. It was clear from the position of everyone else seated around the living room, and Izzy and Tristan's standing in the center of the room that they were waiting on them to share their news. "Nice of you to join us," Izzy sarcastically replied, probably directed more towards Nick than at Alyssa.
Tristan whispered something to Izzy which Alyssa assumed to be something along the lines like, "Let it go." After waiting for Nick and Alyssa to get settled the couple looked at each other as if to ask one another if they should start now.
"I want to start off with how grateful I am that everyone came by tonight. It's amazing seeing friends that I have not seen in nearly forever," Izzy began. "And being able to share with you our new apartment and Tristan's record deal means a lot to the both of us."
"Toast!" AJ sang out. "To Izzy and Tristan's success! Now are you going to tell us that you two are engaged already?"
Alyssa almost started to crack up at AJ's bluntness. Only AJ would have the balls to interrupt one of Izzy's long winded speeches.
Izzy looked at Tristan and laughed a little nervously. "Actually, our announcement has nothing to do with getting engaged," she replied playing with the rings on her fingers. "We just found that we're going to have another reason to be thankful and to celebrate. We're going to have a baby."
