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Author's Chapter Notes:
Things get awkward as Nick begins to look at Alyssa in a different light.

Chapter 13


  She came. She actually decided to show up, Nick thought in amazement, after he hung up the phone. He was beginning to think that she wouldn't bother. That she had decided to just let them both drift apart naturally. Yet, she had called only a few minutes earlier.

    And how do you feel about that?
he asked himself. He wasn't exactly sure. As of right now his romantic feelings for Alyssa were just a fading memory, but he still felt some sort of attachment towards her that he couldn't quite explain. He knew that he wasn't interested in picking things up with her where they last left of, yet he felt as if he needed her presence in his life as a reminder of what he could have been. How your life might have ended up if you had chosen a different path, he reminded himself. He didn't know why exactly, but he instinctively felt as if he should concentrate on at least pursuing a friendship with Alyssa. It was just strange for him, because he was not the type to remain friends with any of his exes. In fact, with every other girl he had dated, any hopes of a future friendship had been destroyed when they broke up. So why do I feel this way with Alyssa? For the first time in his life, Nick had to admit that he had no clue what he was doing.

    Nick's thoughts were interrupted as he spotted Alyssa's tiny frame rounding the corner of where he stood. For a moment, he stood there almost mesmerized with her beauty before approaching her for a hug. The attraction he felt towards her was different from the way he felt when looking at other girls. Instead of thinking of her as an object as he would with most other girls, he was genuinely appreciative of her natural beauty.

    "You came," he said as he embraced her, inhaling the intoxicating scent of her perfume. "I wasn't sure if you were going to."

    "Sorry I made you wait. I was out visiting my parents and I couldn't get away any sooner," she explained. "Looks like I got here just in time huh?"

    "Yea," Nick answered realizing how late it was. "I actually can't stay around to talk too long because I have to start getting ready. You know in about five minutes Kevin is going to hunt me down and be on my ass."

    Alyssa just laughed. It was almost never a show without Kevin having to threaten Nick with every inch of his life to get ready. "It's okay. I understand. We can talk after the show if you want. It's my fault for showing up at the last minute anyway."

    "You're welcome to watch the show back here. Or if you prefer I can try to get somebody to find you a seat in the audience," he suggested.

    "Back here is fine," she assured him. Glancing over his shoulder, she noticed both Kevin and AJ heading towards them. "Uh oh. Looks as if they're coming to steal you away already."

    Nick looked up and saw that she was right. "They're a little early," he joked. "Well, I guess I should go now. I'll see you later." After lingering for a moment he bent down to give her an awkward kiss on the cheek.

    "Later," Alyssa echoed as she watched him disappear down the hallway, her hand instinctively flying up to her cheek where he had kissed her.

    "There you are. We were just about to go looking for you," Kevin said, as he approached the two men.

    "Yea I know. Sorry," Nick apologized. "Alyssa dropped by and-"

    "Alyssa?" Kevin asked suspiciously. "By herself? Izzy's not with her?"

    "No," he answered a little unsurely. What business was it of Kevin's who he invited to one of their concerts?

    "Well, you need to forget whatever little games you are playing with her and get ready because we have a show to do in exactly 45 minutes," Kevin told him, before stalking off.

    "What's up his ass?" Nick asked AJ, confused at Kevin's outburst.

    AJ shrugged. "He's Kevin. You know how he gets before we're supposed to perform. But seriously man, what's going on with you and Alyssa?"

    "Nothing's going on," he insisted.

    AJ just rolled his eyes. "Bullshit. As of Wednesday night you two were barely talking and now you're best of friends? Did I miss something at Izzy's? Did something happen between the two of you?"

    "I don't know why everyone is so concerned with me and Alyssa!" he exploded. "It's nobody's business! If you must know we talked like you suggested that we do and I decided that maybe we could try to at least stay friends. Honestly this is the first time I've seen her since leaving Izzy's apartment the other night."

    "Don't do anything stupid Nick," AJ warned. "I know that you probably invited her tonight with pure intentions, but-"

    Nick could not believe the words that were coming out of his friends mouth. "Unfuckingbelievable. You think that I only invited Alyssa out here today because I wanted to get laid?"

    "I didn't say that Nick."

    "You didn't have to," he grumbled, as he rolled his eyes, before beginning to walk away. Thinking of something else, he turned around. "Oh yea. And if I just wanted to get laid I wouldn't waste all the time and energy trying to renew things with my ex girlfriend." With that said he strode off to begin getting dressed for the show before Kevin came and yelled at him again.




    The show was pretty much the same show Alyssa had seen the previous night, only her perspective of watching it from backstage instead of out in the audience gave the experience a new spin. She'd gotten used to watching Nick from backstage anyway during the Black and Blue tour, when she would try to catch as much as she could of the show between costume changes and dance numbers. One thing was for certain, knowing the new songs made a huge difference. The next day after the concert at Radio City, she had went out and purchased a copy of Never Gone and had been playing it non-stop since.

    When the show was over she greeted Nick as soon as he had gotten offstage. "It was great! Even better then the other night!" she told him, giving him a congratulatory hug.

    "Thanks," Nick answered, his mind drifting away. He was still upset about his little argument with AJ from earlier that evening. How could he possibly think that he only invited Alyssa tonight because it would be like a free ticket to get laid?

    But it would be pretty easy.

    He froze for a minute, wondering if he had actually just considered what he had. Dammit AJ, he cursed. Now that AJ had mentioned it, no matter how much he denied that his intentions were innocent, the thought had been planted in his mind. It was like being told to not think about food when you were hungry. He knew that the thought would be running through his head all night now. He valiantly tried to remind himself exactly why he had in fact invited her tonight, but found it nearly impossible with her body so close.

    She obviously still has some kind of feelings left for you, the voice in his head reminded him. It wouldn't be hard at all to stir them up a little.

   
Trying to ignore his thoughts, he let go of her embrace and took a step back, thanking God that Alyssa couldn't read minds. "How'd you get here? Did you take your car or did you get a ride out here?" he asked.

    "Actually, I took a cab," she admitted. "I guess I'll just call another one to take me to the nearest train station."

    Maybe that would be a good idea, Nick considered, but he couldn't just let her leave without them having anytime to hang out. If anything that would make things weirder between them. "I can't let you do that. Why don't you catch a ride back into the city with me on my tour bus? Our next show is in New Jersey, so we're gonna spend the night in the city anyway," he offered.

    Alyssa seemed to think about it. After spending money on a train ticket and a $30 cab fare, a free ride back into the city seemed like a great idea, plus it would give her and Nick plenty of time to talk. "All right that sounds like a good deal," she agreed.

    "I just need to change and get my shit together. I'll be out in five minutes," he promised, as he headed towards the dressing room. Now he was going to have to spend the entire ride back into New York City completely alone with Alyssa. Yea, that's such a horrible fate, he sarcastically thought to himself. He just hoped that he would be able to forget all about AJ's accusations. As long as he didn't think of them he'd be fine, right?

    After he finished with all his usual after show business he gathered up his backpack and returned to Alyssa. "Are you ready to make a run for it?" he asked her referring to them reaching his tour bus.

    "Guess so. Although I am a little rusty," she joked, remembering the days of running through the crowds of screaming girls just to reach the tour buses.

    "You'll be fine," he assured her as he pulled the hood on his hooded sweatshirt over his head. "They won't start a commotion until they see me anyway."

    Alyssa just rolled her eyes as he flashed the infamous Carter grin. A few minutes later, they had safely boarded Nick's bus and were on their way. "Nice little place you got here," she lightly joked before taking a seat, tucking her legs underneath her.

    "Yea, my home away from home," he muttered as he plopped down next to her.

    For the first time since he got off stage, Alyssa began to notice how tense Nick seemed. "Are you ok, Nick?" she asked placing her hand on his shoulder.

    Her touch seemed to feel like fire to Nick as he immediately sat up. "I'm fine," he lied. "What makes you ask?"

    Alyssa just shrugged. "I just noticed that you seem like you have something on your mind. That's all."

    Nick had forgotten just how good Alyssa was at picking out his emotions, but how could he explain to her about the fight he and AJ had earlier? Well, AJ thought that I only invited you to come tonight because I wanted to have sex with you and now that's all I can think about? Somehow that didn't exactly sound like the best response. "I'm fine, really," he repeated. "Just tired."

    "I bet you are. Well maybe tonight instead of going out you should just go to bed," she suggested.

    "Uh huh," Nick agreed, not even listening to what she was saying. He had found his eyes trailing downwards to lacy trim along the top of her tank top. It was pretty low cut, producing a significant amount of cleavage. Realizing that he wasn't exactly being subtle, he peeled his eyes away before she could notice him staring. "I'm really glad that you decided to come tonight," he told her.

    "I wasn't going to," she admitted. "I kept telling myself I was coming out this way to see my parents, but somehow I wound up here."

    "You didn't tell them you were going to see me, did you?" he asked her.

    "Of course not," Alyssa admitted with a slight blush. Her parents had never been thrilled with Nick to begin with and since they had broken up his name had become a dirty word in their house. "I made up some excuse about meeting some old friends from college for drinks."

    "Nice. The old 'friends from college' excuse. Did it work?" He wondered if was wrong to be kind of turned on by the fact that she had lied for him.

    "I'm here. Aren't I?" she replied.

    "I'll take that as a yes," he said with a smirk.

    There was an awkward pause before Alyssa began to speak up. "So, I thought a lot about what you said the other night. About accepting your friendship meaning accepting your lifestyle, and its hard for me to make a definite decision when I'm not sure what you mean. I really don't know how much you've changed. I've been hearing things from other people, but I don't think that I can judge you until I see it with my own eyes."

    "What have you heard and from who?" he asked warily.

    For a second or two Alyssa appeared deep in thought. It was a sticky situation. Nick had a right to know what people were saying about him to her. Well, the "other people" really was only Izzy and the two of them were already having problems. Wouldn't it be wrong for her to reveal to Nick what Izzy was saying about him? Finally she decided the best way to handle the situation would be to tell him what she heard, but not from who.

    "Just that you've changed a lot since we used to date. You like to party more. You drink probably more often than you should. You smoke. And evidently you like to have a good time with the ladies," she reported. "I mean I guess you have every right to. I'm not saying that I disapprove or anything because frankly it's really none of my business."

    Nick sighed. "I guess you could say that all is true. I am a different person now. I just don't know if its a good thing or a bad thing."

    "What do you mean?" Alyssa inquired, looking concerned.

    He inwardly groaned. He really did not feel like getting into another deep conversation with her about his feelings. Especially just then. He seriously doubted that he'd be able to concentrate on a discussion like that tonight. "I don't want to talk about it right now. I'm just trying to get my life together again and the best thing that you can do for me is just be there for me," he told her, shifting uncomfortably in his seat.

    "All right," she agreed. "That sounds good to me. We'll take it one step at a time and see where it leads us."

    "For now I really just want to hang out with you," he admitted. "I think we had enough deep conversation the last time I saw you. If we're going to be friends we need to have some fun. We can't always be talking about feelings and shit."

    Alyssa laughed a little bit. "Well, whenever you do feel like you want to talk about 'feelings and shit' you can always talk to me, okay?" She reached down to give his hand a reassuring pat, but just then the bus changed lanes quickly, causing Alyssa to lose her balance and her hand to instead wind up on the top of his thigh.

    Dear God, Nick thought. I'm trying SO hard to be good, really I am. It was just so hard to think of pure, innocent thoughts with that hand on his thigh. Combined with the thoughts that had already been going through his mind ever since his confrontation with AJ, this was almost too much for any man to bear. Nick would be the first to admit that he was no saint, but why was it that she made no move to withdraw her hand?

    "Oh my God. I'm sorry," Alyssa apologized, her face flushed with embarrassment. "I definitely didn't mean to do that!" She was so mortified that she completely forgot to snatch her hand away, because she was too focused on apologizing. Finally, she looked down and realized that her hand was still sitting there on his thigh.

    Just as she was about to pull it back Nick had placed his  hand over hers, preventing her from moving it away. What is going on here? Alyssa wondered as she glanced up at him looking confused. Talk about awkward situations. She couldn't help, but notice that he had the strangest look in his eyes.

    What are you doing Carter? Nick asked himself as he found himself leaning closer into her. This is a bad idea, he tried to tell himself. Yet another voice seemed to be telling him to go for it. Just one little kiss, it begged. Just to see if there's still anything there. And if there was? Then what? Then we'll just see what happens.

   
Alyssa was very aware of the way that he seemed to be moving in closer and it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what was about to happen. She realized that her heart was pounding in her chest and even if she wanted to pull away she really couldn't. This is so wrong, she thought, yet she had she admit that she had definitely fantasized about moments like this ever since she and Nick broke up.

    Their lips were only inches apart when he heard her murmur his name softly as a weak protest, yet Nick chose to ignore it. Forging ahead, he gently pressed his lips against hers, taking full advantage of the fact that he had caught her a little off guard as he explored her mouth with his tongue.

    He's still an amazing kisser, Alyssa thought as she instinctively responded to him, not stopping to think what it meant. It had been too long since she had been kissed like this and she couldn't help, but to take full advantage of it. It wasn't until she could feel Nick's weight shifting forward, causing her to lean back a bit, that she realized that maybe she better call a time out.

    "Nick, what are we doing?" she asked as she reluctantly pulled away.

    Nick looked down at her, as if he had only just realized what he was doing at that moment. "Fuck," he cursed as he let go of her and sat up. What made him think that Alyssa actually would just give in like that?

    "It's okay Nick," she assured him as she placed a hand on his shoulder. "We probably just needed to get that out of her systems. Now its happened and we can move on." She hoped that she sounded a little more convincing than the way that she did to herself just then.

    "I'm sorry Alyssa," he apologized. "I don't why I just did that. I guess it was you know old feelings... and seeing you again... I guess I just got a little caught up in the moment."

    Alyssa could tell that he looked frustrated. Was that really the reason why he had kissed her? And what did he think? Was he still attracted to her? If anything she was left more confused than ever.

    "Look, lets just pretend it never happened okay?" he continued. "I won't tell a soul. You're right it was probably just something that was hanging over us and we did it and now its over with."

    "All right. If that's what you think is best," Alyssa agreed, trying not to show her disappointment. Maybe Nick really hadn't enjoyed the kiss as much as it seemed. Maybe there's something wrong with me? she thought.

    Because the truth was she had enjoyed the kiss. If anything it had stirred up her feelings for Nick even more so, which further complicated matters. Now that she had put herself into this situation she began to realize just how hard it was to turn back.




    Nick had been distant for the rest of the ride back into the city. He had taken out his Playstation 2 and started in on a video game while Alyssa watched, pretending to be interested. In reality her mind kept on replaying that kiss over and over and over again in her mind, like a movie scene.

    She was actually quite thankful when they reached the hotel that Nick was staying at. While they were waiting for the rest of the guys buses to arrive Nick announced that he was going to wait outside to get some air and have a cigarette.

    "I'll go with you. I need to catch a cab anyway," Alyssa told him as she followed him off the bus.

    They stood in awkward silence for a moment as he lit up a cigarette and bought it to his lips, inhaling the smoke, before Alyssa spoke up. "So, how long are you going to be on tour for?"

    "Until mid September," he answered.

    "Wow, so the tour isn't even half over yet huh?"

    Nick shook his head. "We've only done about seven shows so far, so its pretty much just begun."

    "Well, good luck on the rest of the tour. I'm going to miss you," she found herself saying.

    "You and Izzy should try to come out a visit us sometime before the end of the tour. Get a little vacation time in," he suggested as he ruffled her hair.

    "We'll see how money is," she said noncommittally as she leaned off the curb to hail a cab coming down the street. As the cab pulled beside her she turned back to him. "Well, I guess this is it for a while," she told him as she reached up to hug him. "You have my number, so you better keep in touch."

    "I will," he promised. "Especially when I want to talk about 'feelings and shit.'"

    Alyssa laughed a little and was interrupted by the can driver honking his horn. "I better go, before he leaves to pick up someone else. You know how hard cabs can be to find at this time of night."

    "Here," Nick offered as he went into his wallet and produced a ten dollar bill. "My treat."

    "I can pay for my own cab fare," she insisted, ignoring the money.

    "Not after you just paid $30 earlier to go out to Jones Beach to see me. I can do the math," he smirked.

    "Fine. You win," she gave in as he took the bill from his hands. "Good bye Nick." With that said she disappeared into the cab.

    "Good bye Alyssa," Nick echoed as he watched her drive away.

    As Alyssa watched him from the cab window her eyes stung with tears. How typical of Nick, she thought. He comes back in my life for a few days, wrecks havoc on my emotions, and then leaves again. She wondered if he was going to take their friendship or whatever he thought it was seriously in the future.