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Chapter 19

Chapter 19

Andrea had not felt so giddy or juvenile in almost ten years. She had forgotten what it felt like to crush on someone, to experience the excitement of the unknown and the nervousness of trying to catch and keep a new love. Just standing that close to Nick, knowing that their secret was out and undeniable made her palms start to sweat. Butterflies danced around inside her stomach, a tickle rose in her throat. What have I gotten myself into this time? She inwardly joked, knowing things would never be the same for her again. She needed to get some air, collect her thoughts. She needed to get away from everyone for a little while.

“Will you excuse me for a minute?” Andrea asked, looking at Nick. “I just need to step outside. I will be right back.”

“Do you want me to come with? Are you okay?” he asked, concerned that he had done something wrong.

“It’s not you,” she whispered into his ear, knowing that he was thinking he did something. “I just need a minute to collect my thoughts, if you know what I mean.” He nodded his head and she slipped by him and out the door. She walked down the hall, down the stairs and outside onto the private terrace that was secluded from the rest of the world, and all the fans. She stood there by herself, the sunshine bearing down on her, warming her soul and allowing perspective to flow freely into her mind.

Things are never going to be the same again….again, she thought, continuing her internal monologue. She had used that phrase too many times over the past year. This time last year, she had given birth to her baby girl, and as she lay in her hospital bed holding her baby in her arms she had whispered that phrase. As things really picked up with the company a few months after she had the baby and they took the company nationwide she had uttered that phrase. After the funerals, when she was sitting in the oversized chair in her parents’ living room, she had cried that phrase.

Andrea thought she would start to cry, remembering back to the day of the funerals, remembering exactly how her heart ached for the man she loved, the man she knew was gone forever, but she didn’t. That ache had stayed with her everyday for the past eight months; making her wonder if it would ever go away. She sucked her breath in and held it, realizing what was happening. As she stood there thinking about her late husband the ache was not there. She looked up into the sky, something that most people do when talking to God or someone they believe to be in Heaven. Why, she was unsure, but she did it anyway. She stood there for a moment, reverence and prayer taking her over. Then she felt it, as if her husband were standing right there with her, pushing her forward with her life.

“Andrea, I know you don’t want to talk about this, but we need to tell each other our wishes if something should happen to one of us.”
“I know Michael, but I don’t like talking about what you want if you die. It’s so morbid and sad. You’re never going to leave me; we are going to be together forever, so why do we need to talk about it?”
“I want that to be the case too Monkey, but you can’t be so naïve. I want you to know that if I am taken from you, I want you to move on. I know that you will miss me, but I do not want you to feel like you are betraying me or disrespecting me by finding someone else. I know that if you died, you would want me to be happy, to find someone that will be a good mother to our kids, someone that will take of me the way you had wanted to, and I want that same thing for you.”
“Yeah, but she can’t be as pretty as me!”
“I don’t think I could find anybody prettier than you Monkey.”
“Do you really want me to fall in love with someone else?”
“If you want to, then yes, I want you to. I don’t want you to be lonely the rest of your life if I’m not there just because you have doubts about how I feel about it. Your happiness is all I’ve ever cared about, and that’s all I will care about after I’m gone.”


She closed her eyes and meditated for a moment. They had that conversation six months before he had been killed. She never wanted to talk about stuff like that. She was very glad they did have talks like that though, it made planning his funeral that much easier. She knew what he wanted and she could at least give him that. Now she was at another crossroads with his wishes. She knew what he wanted again, but could she do it.

After a few minutes she opened her eyes slowly, allowing them to adjust to the change in brightness. She looked back up into the blue sky and smiled. “Thank you,” she said whispered. “I will never forget about you, but I will find love and happiness again, they way you want me to. I will make you proud of me.”

A single tear rolled out of each eye, but she quickly wiped them away. She sat outside for a few more minutes, contemplating her relationship with Nick, or the relationship she hoped she and Nick would have. How long do I wait to have sex with him? She asked herself, panicking at the thought of being naked in front of a man again. Do I have to start shaving my legs everyday again? Random thoughts just started popping into her head, thoughts that had never entered her mind since she met Michael six years ago. I guess all those things fell into place with him, so I guess they will all fall into place with Nick too, she convinced herself, laughing at how nervous and unsure she was getting.

“I was a wife for five years, and a pretty good one, dammit,” she said out loud with a defiant look on her face. She smiled, knowing it was silly to talk out loud to herself like that. “And I can do it again,” she said quietly. She stood up and walked back into the hotel.


There is no way I am going to be able to explain what just happened outside, she told herself as she was walking onto the elevator. It’s not everyday that a deceased loved one can help clarify a situation for you. I guess its best I just keep it to myself. She smiled, walking off the elevator and down the hall to Nick’s room.

“You’re back, good,” Annie said when she noticed Andrea coming through the door.

“Good? Did you miss me that much?” she joked to her cousin.

“Oh, yes, so much. I thought I might start crying if you weren’t back soon,” Annie responded, sarcasm dripping from her every word. Andrea just gave her a look that said ‘I am so not amused by you’. “Anyway, we are in a city we’ve never been to before, and we are leaving tonight after the concert, so now is our only chance to go exploring,” she said in an excited tone.

“Good point. Where do you want to go? We don’t have a car, so I guess wherever the bus takes us, huh?” Andrea asked, again always being the practical one. She looked at her watch; it was 12:47PM. She looked at Annie, waiting for a response, and saw Annie tilting her head towards Nick and AJ. Andrea shook her head no, and Annie nodded her head yes. Andrea mouthed the word “no” and Annie mouthed the word “yes”.

They continued to do this back and forth until they noticed Nick and AJ staring at them with smirks on their faces. “You guys have two hours before you have to go to the venue, do you want to come with us?” Andrea asked, caving under the pressure.

“Yes, we do,” AJ said sweetly, putting his right arm around Annie and his left arm around Andrea. “And I think you two will want us to come too, because we can get a car to take!” Their faces lit up, touched by the suggestions. He smiled at them. It’s nice being able to use our fame and money like this for them because they don’t expect us to, he thought openhandedly to himself. They would have taken the bus if I hadn’t offered to get a car, and that’s what amazes me.

“Oh Alex, that’s awesome!” Annie exclaimed. “You guys don’t have to though. But I suppose it’s easier for you, that way you don’t have to worry about fans recognizing you on the bus and causing a scene, huh?”

“Yeah, something like that,” Nick responded. He smiled at Andrea, noticing she looked different than before. “Where did you go when you left?” he asked her, half curious and half suspicious.

“Just outside, I needed to clear my head and work some stuff out…why? Are you checking up on me?” She smiled at him slyly, but in her mind she was afraid he really was.

“Well, someone’s got to keep you in line!” He laughed. “I don’t want you running off and finding a different pop star to date!”

“That something you don’t have to worry about,” she said sweetly as she nuzzled her face in his chest. “You’re the only pop star I want.”

Alex looked at Annie and gave her a sexy smile. “And how about you? Are there any other pop stars you want to date?”

“Pop star? No. But rock or alternative star, that’s a different story…,” she trailed off, hoping to get a reaction out of him.

“That’s not the answer I was hoping for,” he said sadly, giving her puppy dog eyes.

“Oh Alex,” she said with a smile on her face. “You are the only man for me I think.” She grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him closer to her, so their lips were almost touching. “I should say, I don’t want to find out if there is another man for me, I want you to be it,” she said seductively as she kissed him.

“Oh my God, Annabellaroonie! I never thought the day would come when you would be so smitten with a guy that you would actually perform a PDA!” Andrea exclaimed, teasing her cousin about all the times she had been grossed out by seeing other people performing public displays of affection.

“Yeah, well things change,” she sighed, looking into Alex’s eyes. “And change is good.” Andrea smiled, knowing exactly what her cousin meant.