We always ended up at the water, Kevin and I. Whenever we needed to have a talk about any little thing. We’d start walking and our feet would naturally take us to the closest body of water there was. This time it was a small lake, I mean really small and remote about 50 miles outside of Los Angeles. I don’t think I could even find it if I tried.
I glanced over at him and tried to plead my case just one more time. I mean it didn’t hurt to try, right?
“Kevin…it’s not to late too…”
“Nick, you promised you wouldn’t do this.”
“I know, but I still think you’re making a big…”
He turned my way and put a hand on my shoulder, just as he has done for as long as I’ve known him. That hand always managed to have a calming effect on me for some reason. Howie often joked that Kevin was a Nick whisperer. Howie sucks! But I’m getting off topic here, maybe because I’m not too fond of my actual point.
“It’s done Nick; now let’s have a nice time out here, okay? No pleading, no tears…just us and the water.”
I sighed and nodded at him. There were lots of tears at first. When Kevin came to us and told us about his decision to leave the group, I thought he was joking. Not Kevin, no way…anybody else, I would maybe have thought it was true, but not him.
There was no hint of joking in his voice when he said it though, not even a raised eyebrow, which to me usually gave away the punch line. He teared up when he told me. I was alone at the time. He broke it to us one by one instead of as a group. That’s classic Kevin. He didn’t want to make a big huge announcement. He wanted to make it as easy and personal as possible. He wouldn’t do it any other way.
I was the last one he told. We went for a drive, much like the one we took today, and sat staring out at the water. I had a temper tantrum like a 12 year old. I yelled at him, cried and screamed. I blamed him for ruining my life even. I told him now everything is going to change and he put that consoling hand on my shoulder and simply agreed with me.
“You’re right Nicky, everything is going to change.”
But…I hate change, I always have,
I didn’t talk to him for a full week after he told us; in fact I couldn’t even be in the same room with him. It hurt too much. I felt so betrayed by him. How could he possibly do this to us? We were just starting out again, gaining momentum, and recapturing our fans. We told them we were going to continue on forever.
I guess we lied.
“I can’t believe this is it.” I whispered to him once again finding my place back in the present day, his last day here in Los Angeles and as a Backstreet Boy.
“I know… it feels weird.”
That was such a great word to describe everything I was feeling at that time and even now. After I finally allowed myself to look him in the eyes again, he seemed so much happier than he had been for a long time. It’s almost as if once he made his decision a huge weight had been lifted off of his shoulders.
I took that personally, maybe I was the weight? I mean I have made them all go through so much hell the past few years. Maybe I put him over the edge.
I went from feeling mad at him to feeling guilty. I was so sure it was something I did or maybe said. I remember having an almost five hour conversation with Brian about it. He kept telling me I was being paranoid.
“He’s just ready to move on Nick, it’s really that simple.”
“Nothing is ever that simple Brian.”
“This time it is.” That’s how our conversation ended. I had kept him up all night long, but I think we both needed to process things together.
I still feel guilty, not sure why.
“I can’t picture me being able to do this without you.”
“You’ll be fine Nick.”
“I don’t know Kev…I mean who will have my back now? Every time there was a sticky situation, you came to the rescue.”
He laughed, “Now I’m Superman? Before I was just treating you like a child and overstepping my boundaries, but now that I’m leaving you’re going to miss that?”
I nodded at him.
“You are more than capable of handling yourself Nick, you all are.”
“You were the one that kept us all organized. Now none of us will have any clue what’s going on.”
“Howie will have your backs.”
“But Kev…”
“Nick, you’re doing it again.”
“Sorry.”
“I have watched you grow from a scrawny little kid to this incredible man. It seems like overnight. I know you still feel like a child sometimes, but you’re not. Have more confidence in yourself.”
“Pfft…” I rolled my eyes at him. Yeah, sure, like that’s going to happen.
“I’m so proud of you…really.” I glanced over at him and in that instant, I knew this would be a moment I would remember all of my life. Everything about it, the simplicity of the scenery around us, the way the wind was lightly blowing my hair to the point I had to reach over and pluck it out of my eyes, the day that everything would change, whether it would be for better or worse.
The day that a bandmate and brother, just simply turned into one of my best friends.
As if to prove that point he placed his arms around me and pulled me into a hug, “I’m not dying you know…I’ll only be a phone call away.”
“That’s what they all say.”
And isn’t that the truth? I mean how many times in your lifetime, do you say goodbye and then the person says ‘I’m only a phone call away’ and then you never hear from then again?
“But Nick, I mean it.”
“I hope you do.”
“I do…I’ll be checking up on you all the time.”
“Really?”
“Yes, do you even have to ask?”
“So, no more lectures though, right?”
He put his hand to his chin, “Hrmm…depends on the offence.”
“But I can technically hang up on you if you start lecturing me.”
“Yes, but then I can get on a plane and kick your ass.”
“I’m sorry Kevin, but I will have security and you will be taken down.”
“I have connections.”
“Oh no…someone else with a ‘source’ Lord help us all.” He tousled my hair and playfully pushed me away.
“Do you think you’re going to miss it?” I asked after a few more moments of silence.
“Of course I am.” He didn’t even hesitate. “The times I had with the four of you, were the best days of my life…but now I’m excited to see what lies ahead, you know?”
I nodded at him.
One thing about Kevin was his fearless attitude about the future. Where I was terrified of change, he was always ready to welcome it with open arms. Maybe one day I’ll be able to do that.
“It’s been a good ride hasn’t it?” He asked, but I’m not sure the question was meant to be answered.
“I love you Kevin and I will really, really miss you and talks like this.”
“Than we’ll just have to have some more, only this time you have to come to Kentucky.”
“As long as we find that toaster again, I’m there!”
He laughed as he stood up and held his hand out to me to grab onto for support, but this time I pushed his hand away, “I can manage myself.” I said as I pulled off the ground. He looked over at me and nodded.
“Yes you can kiddo…and for the record, I love you too!”
We turned away from the water and his life as a Backstreet Boy, onto the road and never looking back…only ahead.
