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Author's Chapter Notes:
Ok ladies grab your tissue boxes, and don't say you haven't been warned!
Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Seventeen: Hurt

What have I become, my sweetest friend. Everyone I know goes away in the end. You could have it all my empire of dirt I will let you down, I will make you hurt. If I could start again, a million miles away. I would keep myself, I would find away. (**)

Nick and the guys walked back into the house laughing, feeling great to have been able to play basketball together. Something that was a very rare occurrence for them. Brian walked over to the fridge seeing the note on it. “Guys, we’ve got to go to the hospital.” He said was he ran into the living room.

“Why what’s going on?” Nick asked. Brian looked at him and handed him the note:

Dad went to the hospital, meet us there.

Alyssa.

“Shit.” Nick replied quickly changing his clothes before they left for the hospital.

Meanwhile…

Alyssa sat in the waiting room her head in her hands worried about her father. She had been there when he had collapsed in the back yard. Alyssa looked up just in time to see Clark walk in from pacing in the hallway. “Hey,” He said sitting down next to her.

She tried her best to offer a smile but it was a weak one at best, “I’m worried.”

Clark sighed and put an arm around his sister, “I think we all are. Did you call Nick?”

“I tried he left the cell phones at the house when they went out, so I left him a note.”

Clark held his sister he’d always loved having two sisters they’d always given him advice and sometimes even asked for his. “I’m sure he’ll be here soon.” No sooner did he say that did Nick and the guys walk into the waiting room.

Alyssa stood up and walked over as Nick pulled her into a hug kissing the top of her head. He pulled away for a second to look her in the eyes, “Do they know what’s wrong?”

Alyssa sighed and shrugged, “Mom’s in with the doctors now getting the rundown of everything but um...” Alyssa paused a second her voice wavering, “We haven’t heard anything yet.”

Nick sat down pulling Alyssa onto his lap. He pulled her in close to him wrapping his arms around her almost afraid to speak because of the present situation. Almost an eternity of silence later Mary walked in her eyes bloodshot and her face pale. Everyone stood up almost immediately looking to her for an answer.

Mary’s eyes shifted to Alyssa who looked the most like Jamie, with his green eyes and dark hair. “Is Dad ok?” Clark asked.

Mary looked over to her son and shook her head ‘no’ as she began to cry again tears welling up in her eyes.

Alyssa’s heart sank, “He’s going to be ok right? ....Mom?” She asked almost nervous of the answer she might receive.

Mary sat down wiping her eyes, “Your father had a severe stroke.” She began.

“But people survive strokes like this all the time. Don’t they?” Olivia asked choked up as well.

Mary looked up at everyone seeing her children and their friends and loved ones there, “Not from ones like these. The stroke caused massive brain damage to his cerebral cortex. Basically the only thing keeping him alive right now is a ventilator.” She finished as she broke down even more.

Alyssa made her mother stand and pulled her into a hug needing the contact of her family as the tears streamed down her face. Clark followed suit as well as Olivia creating one giant hug of sadness. Alyssa looked up and over at Nick who looked like he wanted to either cry or punch the wall.

Knowing exactly how he felt she reached her hand out to him and pulled him into the group. A move showed how vulnerable she felt at that very moment.

A few minutes later they all pulled apart and Alyssa asked, “So what are we going to do?” She didn’t want to be the one to ask but knew that this had to be discussed. Jamie had made it very clear to all of them that if something like this were to ever happen to him that they were to let him go to die in peace.

Mary looked at them, “I already told the doctors your father’s wishes.”

“Can we at least say goodbye?” Clark asked choking on his words not really believing that their father the man he wanted to be his entire life was truly gone.

Mary smiled a little at her son, “Yes.”

That night…

Alyssa sat on her window sill hugging her knees to her chest. Nick walked in seeing her there. “Hey, how are you?” He asked pretty sure of her response.

Alyssa looked at him her face tear stained and her eyes puffy and bloodshot. “How do you think I feel?” She asked as more tears streamed down her face.

“I’m so sorry Lissa.” He stated sitting on her bed looking at her.

Alyssa went over and sat by him, “I just can’t believe that he’s gone.”

Nick pulled her into his arms letting her cry into his chest. He leaned back and laid them down on the bed. She clung to him sobbing she tried to speak but he interrupted her, “Shhh, it’s ok I’m not going anywhere.” He replied knowing that she was probably embarrassed for falling apart on him. He ran a hand through her hair as the other slowly rubbed her back trying his best to soothe her. He tried his best to hold back his feelings trying so hard to be strong for her.

Alyssa moved out of his grasp acutely aware of how protective he was being. She moved away across the room, she had to keep her distance. He sat up completely bewildered by her sudden actions. She turned seeing him with a hurt look on his face. “I’m sorry, I just… I just can’t.”

“Can’t what?” He asked standing moving towards her but stopped as she backed away. Alyssa sighed going into her bathroom trying to keep her distance as she grabbed some toilet paper to blow her nose. She couldn’t be near him, not let him see her be so vulnerable. “Alyssa, can’t what?” He asked standing in the doorway of the bathroom walking in shutting the door behind him.

She looked up at him, “Nick I can’t let you see me like this please just go away.”

His face was full of concern, “Baby, it’s me, come on I’ve seen you worse than this.” He thought a moment suddenly realizing why she was pushing him away from her. “You’re scared aren’t you?” She stared at him not believing how well he read her. “You’re scared that I’m going to be taken too aren’t you?”

She sunk down onto the toilet seat cover staring at him, “How do you do that?” She asked as he knelt in front of her.

“I told you, I know you. I love you and I want you to know that you don’t have to push me away, I’m not going anywhere.”

Alyssa stared at him a moment then got up going into the cabinet beneath the sink pulling out a small tin case. She looked at him again at his confused expression and handed him the case. “I want you to have this…” She stated staring at the case remembering how many times she’d reach for it after Collin had died.

He took the case hearing something move inside it. Intrigued, he opened it he stared at it’s contents and looked at her. “Alyssa…what…” He began to ask but Alyssa interrupted him taking the straight razor in her hand being careful not to stick herself.

“This is what I used to cut myself with. I want you to have it, throw it away…do anything you want with it… just take it.”

He thought a moment before speaking, “I’m a little confused why are you giving this to me?”

Alyssa sighed a little and then spoke, “I’m giving this to you, because I don’t need it anymore. For so long after Collin died I thought I needed this to feel human to feel less emotional pain.” She stated pausing recognizing the concerned look on his face. “But you showed me that I didn’t need this little piece of metal to feel better.” Nick took the razor out of her hand placing it back in the tin that was on the sink as she continued. “I know you’ve been skittish about me cutting again ever since you found out I was a cutter in the first place. And by giving you this I’m promising you that I won’t cut, ever again.”

He put his hand behind her neck and kissed her forehead then moved to lean his forehead against hers staring in her eyes. “That means so much to me that you did that.”

She offered a weak smile and replied; “I have you, I don’t need anything else.”

A week later....

Alyssa sat at the vanity table in her childhood bedroom lightly applying a little makeup to conceal the dark circles under her eyes. Ever since the night Jamie passed away she hadn’t gotten much sleep, and therefore neither had Nick. They mostly spent it with him holding her as she cried, or talking about what happened sharing how they felt. Anything to ease the pain she’d been dealing with.

Nick walked in wearing a black suit and tie, “Ali, baby, come on we have to go downstairs now.”

Alyssa shook her head, “No I can’t go.”

Nick recognized the lost look on her face and knelt down beside her taking her hand in his lacing their fingers. “You have to go, your family will be there they need you.”

She looked at him, “I can’t, I just can’t.”

“Why?”

Tears began to stream down her face, “Because if I do then that means that he’s really gone. And somehow that feels like I’m betraying him.”

He looked at her hating to see her like this, all he wanted to do was take her pain away. “You’re not betraying him honey. You’re honoring him by going. You’re showing that all those weekends out in the backyard teaching you how to play soccer meant something.”

Alyssa pulled him into a kiss only to pull away a second later to ask, “Will you stay with me?”

“Yes. I promise I’ll be right by your side the whole time."

Reluctantly Alyssa stood up straightening her black dress. “I look like hell.”

Nick cracked a small smile took her hand and led her downstairs to the living room seeing Alyssa’s and his siblings already there looking equally miserable. Alyssa squeezed tighter on his hand and looked at him for a moment.

That night...

Everyone was scattered throughout the house talking and reminiscing about old times. Most of the extended family had already left. Alyssa walked briskly through the house looking for Nick. Olivia stopped her sister, “Where’s the fire hon?”

Alyssa turned to her sister, “Where’s Nick?”

“Out on the deck.”

“Thanks.” Without a word more Alyssa walked out towards the deck seeing Nick almost immediately, still wearing his suit shirt, tie and slacks with the sleeves of the shirt rolled up his forearms, standing near Clark and Mary talking. She walked over to him whispering in his ear, “Come with me.”

He turned seeing her, eyes bloodshot. He excused himself and walked out with Alyssa who was walking quickly to her father’s truck getting in the driver’s seat, Nick followed suit getting in the passenger’s side. “Lissa, where are we going?”

Not looking at him as she pulled out of the driveway she replied, “We are going to take a drive.”

“I see that, but where to?” He replied.

She sighed, “You’ll see.”

He quieted down trying not to seem restless, or even bewildered at her behavior. After nearly an hour of driving they pulled up to a spot that over looked the city. Alyssa turned off the car and sat there for a moment in silence. “Umm, where are we?” He asked tentatively.

Alyssa wiped the tears that were beginning to stream down her face and sighed, “My Dad used to take us here when life was getting rough we’d come here to get perspective on life and understand that other people are worse off than us.”

Nick reached over pulling her into a hug as much as he could from the current position. “Please don’t cry, it kills me to see you in so much pain.” Alyssa pulled away only to pull him into a kiss pulling away a second later climbing over the center section to straddle his hips. “Lissa what are you...”

“Taking advantage of you.” She said interrupting him while unbuckling his belt and zipper letting her hand roam over him as he closed his eyes biting back a moan. She smiled a little bit and kissed him. He moved to hike up her dress feeling her thigh high stockings and continued moving upward discovering that she’d gone commando. She sighed as she moved on top of him. “I knew I wore a dress for a reason today.” He moved his hands up her back to her neck feeling her move faster only to slow down a second later. She moved her hands to cover his as she kissed the inside of his palms and moved them down the front of her making sure to drag them slowly across her body to her hips then moved her arms around his neck her eyes meeting his pulling him close to her. He tried to say something to her knowing that when she got like this dirty talk always got to her but she hushed him quickly whispering, “Don’t talk.”

She rested her head on his shoulder as she began to move faster and harder trying to hold back any sounds as much as possible but the feelings were beginning to be too much. He knew she was getting close as well as he was he gripped her hips harder and decided to break the silence between them whispering softly, “Liss just let go.” Just as he finished his statement threw her head back her entire body tensing up from the intensity of her release; the sight and sound was enough throw him over the edge as well.

Alyssa breathed deeply trying to catch her breath resting her forehead against his staring into each other’s eyes. “Thank you.” She spoke still breathless.

“For what?”

She smiled a little bit, “Just letting me do that, I needed the distraction.” She replied as she moved off of him and moved over to the driver’s side straightening out her dress and looking in the mirror to fix her hair.

“Just a distraction?” He asked fixing himself trying to hide his dismay at being merely a distraction.

Alyssa stopped and looked at him, “I’m sorry it’s just after the crappy day I had at the funeral I needed something good to take my mind off of how horrible I feel I knew that you, what happened would help.”

“I’m glad I could be of service then.” He said not even trying to hide the sarcasm in his voice.

(**) Hurt by Nine Inch Nails