Chapter Eleven: Self-Image

Nick looked at himself in the mirror that morning as he shaved and got ready for the day. He noticed the bags under his eyes from not sleeping well. That was due in part to going out with his boys often, and staying up all night with Alyssa’s weird cravings and the terrible digestive after effects. Next, he looked to the rest of himself; lately he felt more and more out of shape than ever and now looking at himself so critically let him see it as well.

Moments later, Alyssa came into the bathroom and hopped into the shower, noting his pensive expression that was studying the reflection in the mirror. About ten minutes later, Alyssa stepped out of the shower with her bath towel wrapped securely around her. She looked at him again, still in the same position, but looking at his arms and chest then down to his stomach. She walked over to him and placed a chaste kiss to his back and rested her chin on his shoulder. “What’s wrong?”

“What?” He replied, having been jolted from his own private criticisms. “Oh nothing…” He replied, shrugging off her question.

Alyssa chuckled and moved to sit on the counter facing him. “I don’t call standing in front of the mirror for over ten minutes looking at myself nothing. What’s going on in that head of yours?”

“It’s nothing, just me being neurotic that’s all.” He answered, hoping the conversation would end. It was bad enough that he felt out of shape; he didn’t need Alyssa thinking it, too.

He saw Alyssa’s brow furrow in frustration at his dismissal of the topic. “Nick…it’s obviously bothering you, and if something is bothering you then you need to talk about it.”

He sighed and leaned against the counter placing his hand on her bare thigh just above her knee. He loved that she could always see right through him. Whether he was angry, hurt, or just having a bout of depression, she was always there to get it out of him. ‘I don’t deserve her...’ his mind replied. It was something that always plagued his thoughts; that one day, she’d realize her potential and would see that she could do so much better than she was and leave him with nothing but his heart in pieces. He sighed again and looked up at her meeting her reassuring and concerned gaze. “It’s really stupid.”

“Nothing’s stupid if it’s bothering you, lover.”

Nick took a deep breath, mentally trying to form his thoughts into a cohesive argument. He knew Alyssa was going to fight him on this and he wanted to make sure that he had some valid reasons for feeling this way. “Well, the other day I was playing basketball with the boys and…”

“And…?” She asked, coaxing him to continue.

“And well I felt so out of breath I had to stop not even half way through the fucking game. I felt humiliated…I’d never had to do that before.”

Alyssa gave him a sympathetic look and scooted close to him. “And so now you’re studying your appearance and criticizing it to the Nth degree?”

“Yeah, I just feel so…stupid about this. I mean here you are, pregnant and have no problem with gaining weight and here I am the f…”

“Don’t say that three letter word.” Alyssa said, interrupting him. “You’re not stupid for feeling the way you do. Maybe it’s your body telling you to do something to make yourself feel better? Now let me say this without interruption, okay?” She requested, getting a nod from him. “I love you, no matter what you look like. I didn’t fall in love with the illusion that is Nick Carter. I fell for you, for all your imperfections and faults. And if you’re unhappy with your body then change it to make yourself happy, but know that I’m right here and that I love you just for what’s here…” She said pointing to his heart. “And here.” She added pointing to his head. “And if you want to change something then know that I will be there by your side supporting you in anyway necessary to help you reach your goals.”

Three hours later…

Alyssa sighed, putting down her pen from grading for the fourth time within the last five minutes. She rolled her eyes at the shouting coming from downstairs. She only had two hours before she had to meet with her bosses about her pregnancy and wanted to be as caught up as possible on her work. She rubbed her forehead, tired from the morning sickness that still didn’t own a watch. After she had stuffed herself full of junk food, she’d spent the night running to the bathroom as it came back up on her. Thankfully Nick was there getting her some water and rubbing her back trying to soothe her discomfort. Alyssa heard the yelling grow louder and could pretty much identify the parties involved. “I’m gonna kill them.” She muttered to herself as she got up and went down stairs not noticing Nick sitting in the living room listening to his iPod to drown out the sound of his siblings raucous. Alyssa came into the kitchen at a stalemate in the fight. “I could hear you three up in the office. What’s going on?” She said looking sternly at Leslie, Bobbie, and Aaron.

“Aaron won’t clean up after himself; he expects all of us to do it!” Leslie explained.

“Yeah, I asked him to do the dishes ‘cause it’s his turn and he gives me attitude about how I’m a girl and I should do it!” Bobbie added.

Alyssa turned her gaze to Aaron giving him a chance to defend himself. “I just don’t have time. Leslie doesn’t have a job right now and it’s Bobbie’s day off today. That’s what I meant by it!” He replied sheepishly.

“Aaron, I’ve noticed that you don’t clean up after yourself all over the house; not just here in the kitchen. You leave clothes everywhere, CDs, movies, trash just laying about. But I’m sorry Nick and I like having a clean house. You need to be able to clean up after yourself.” Alyssa reasoned firmly.

Aaron’s anger flared. He’d hoped she’d come and tell everyone to just get over it like she had the last time around. So for her to stand up and side with his sisters was a unexpected shock. “Don’t act like you’re my mother…”

“Well maybe you need one! You obviously have no respect for anyone in this house Aaron.” Alyssa shot back keeping her voice firm and resolute. “Remember this is mine and Nick’s home and you leaving trash, clothes, and dirty dishes everywhere is an insult to me and tells me that you certainly don’t respect yourself, your sisters, me, my home, and most importantly, your brother.”

“Oh God here it comes. What is this, did Nick take you aside and tell you to give me the “you need to be more responsible” speech?”

Alyssa rolled her eyes, “Actually, I learned it from Kevin. He is the master of that speech, after all. But don’t dodge the point, Aaron. You need to stop being immature.”

“I’m not immature, what the hell. You come in here all righteous and shit telling me what to do? Where do you get off!? It’s not like you have to pay for anything ever. How nice it must be for you to have someone who’ll pay for everything?”

Alyssa’s eyes narrowed at him, she could take immaturity and pettiness to a point but when you attacked her independence. She took a deep breath. “Oh really, well let me tell you, having him pay for things is a battle to say the least. I’m sorry, but I don’t work my ass off at my job for my money to just sit in the bank. Nick and I switch off bills every month. One month he’ll have the mortgage, water, cable and internet bill and I’ll have electricity, food, and cell phones as well as any repair bills there may be and the next month we switch it up. We do the finances together because this house is just as much mine as it is his. So you trashing my home that I help pay for when you are a GUEST here is an insult.”

“Whatever, I don’t have to deal with this shit.”

“You’re right. You don’t; there’s the door. You live in my home, you live under my rules and if you don’t like it you’re free to leave and not come back. Because really Aaron when it boils down to it, nobody cares what you do and what you don’t do…Nobody cares.” Alyssa interjected before turning on her heel and walking out of the room. She stopped cold as she rounded the corner to go up to the stairs, seeing Nick standing just outside the dining room leaning on the wall with his arms folded and a surprised and amused look on his face. “Spare me, okay?” She requested with an exasperated look on her face as she walked past him and went up the stairs.

He followed her and pulled her into the office and shut the door. He stood grinning at her for a moment. “Okay I have to say…”

“What?” Alyssa asked, going over to her desk preparing things for her meeting.

He walked over and grasped her shoulders and kissed her temple, “That was fucking awesome.” He remarked making her stop and turn her head to look at him.

“Yeah?”

“Hell yeah, you went in there, took charge of the situation, and put Aaron in his place and made him look like an immature ass. I love how you handled that.”

Alyssa smiled a little, “Well you know how I get when I have a migraine.”

“Yeah I know, I’m glad Aaron didn’t end up with a broken nose because of it.”

“Well he didn’t try to hit me, I only would beat his ass if he tries it first which he hasn’t…yet.” She said closing her briefcase. “I’m going to go to campus, maybe I’ll get at least some work done.”

“Okay love you…” He said grinning at her.

She smiled and leaned up pressing her lips to his momentarily. “Your mission tonight…”

“Yeah?”

“Get them out of the house, I just want to hang out with my fabulous fiancé tonight.”

“I’ll try to, but I can’t promise anything.”

Two hours later…

“So Alyssa, I think we know why you called this meeting.” Helen began. “We found out that you’re pregnant thanks to the tabloids.”

Alyssa sighed and nodded, “Yeah I hadn’t intended on you finding out that way. I had this meeting planned before my soon-to-be mother-in-law decided to sell out her eldest son.”

Jennifer nodded and gave her a sympathetic grin. “I’m happy for you, my dear. And the Maxim shoot, though we didn’t necessarily approve of the idea, it will garner UCLA a lot of attention. The Dean of the university even said that it would be great to show that college isn’t for the nerds.”

Alyssa snickered at her comment, “Yeah, it’s a little insane. I made them promise to go easy on the airbrushing, it drives me nuts to see them so fake. But yeah I made sure also that it would be tasteful, too. I may be part of a reality show, but I do have standards.”

Jennifer and Helen chuckled, “Well, we wanted to let you know that maternity leave is definitely an option for you, if you want it. And it will be paid, of course. Congratulations on the baby; it must be exciting for you both. Also, once you come back there will be some changes.” Jennifer remarked looking at Helen to direct the rest of the conversation.

“As you might know, I’ve been interim dean for some time now. But I’m going to be retiring soon, and Jennifer is going to be my permanent replacement.” Helen explained.

“That’s amazing. Congratulations, Jennifer.” Alyssa said smiling.

Helen grinned, “And once you’re back from maternity leave, we’re going to file the paperwork to get you set up for tenure track.”

Alyssa’s eyes widened. “You’re kidding me?”

“Nope. And if you decide to go for your PhD in the near future, we can almost guarantee that you’ll be on the administrative track, and maybe be able to design your own course.”

Alyssa sat there in pure astonishment, “May I ask for the reason?”

“When you were a student, you expressed desire to eventually be running this place, and since we’ve hired you, you’ve been a great benefit to this school and to the university itself. You’ve single-handedly garnered us attention, albeit unconventional, but because of your honesty and candor on being thrown into the spotlight it’s actually made our enrollment go up by leaps and bounds. And if anyone were to doubt your ability as a teacher, our records, your student’s test scores and evaluations to prove otherwise. You’re an excellent professor and a real asset to the university.”

Alyssa sighed a little, not really knowing what to think at the moment. “Wow I guess thank you it’s just wow, wasn’t expecting this to happen so soon, you know?”

“We know, but you’ve earned it more so than anyone else at this school.”

A little while later…

Alyssa sighed as she rounded the corner to go to the small kitchen in the school’s building hoping to make some tea to soothe her nausea. As she approached the door, she heard the voices of two of her fellow professors.

“I can’t believe her. She acts like she owns the place.” One remarked. Alyssa identified the first voice as Drea, one of her faculty associates that she managed in her course that she coordinated.

“Oh I know. She gets away with murder. If any of us tried to do what she did, we would have been canned ages ago. I guess it pays to be fucking a pop star, he probably paid the University off so they’d let her keep her job after last year.” The other, Becca, one of Jennifer’s TA’s replied.

Alyssa’s heart sank a little bit feeling terrible that her own coworkers, people who worked for her, thought that way.

“Yeah for sure, and Dr. Dietrich thinks she’s like the best thing since sliced bread. I’ve seen her; she’s not all that great. It’s more like who did she blow to get where she is, right?” Drea added.

“Yeah, I’m sure her knees are sore.”

At that moment, Alyssa got up the nerve and walked into the room and smiled at them both. “Hi girls, how’s your semester going?” She asked politely, going and filling her cup with water then heating it in the microwave.

“Good, yours?” Drea asked with a less than curious yet apprehensive expression on her face.

“Really good so far, I’ve got a really great group of kids.” She replied as she brewed her tea and watched them. She saw Becca open the refrigerator causing the door to smack right into Drea’s knee. Alyssa chuckled to herself picked up her mug and began to walk away. “Make sure you ice that, you know you wouldn’t want to get sore knees….” She remarked then left the kitchen hearing them whisper to each other as she made her way back to her office. She walked in and stopped cold seeing Aaron sitting on her couch. “What are you doing here?” She asked setting her mug on the desk with some paper towel folded underneath it. She watched him momentarily as she sat down at her desk and resumed working on grading papers.

He sighed and watched her. He didn’t exactly expect to be getting the cold shoulder, but he guessed he should have expected a less than receptive reply. “So this is your office, eh?” He began. “I’m sure you and Nick have scarred it a few times.”

Alyssa snickered, “Is everything to you about sex? Aaron, come on, why are you really here?”

He sighed and leaned forward resting his elbows on his knees. “I uhh….uhhh…wanted to apologize, you know for earlier.”

“It was highly immature of you.”

“I know, I know. I’m sorry, I was wrong.”

She looked at him and cracked a sympathetic grin and was about to say something when she saw two shadows at the door. She looked over seeing Kellie and Lori standing there ready to go to a late lunch. Aaron looked over seeing the two women standing there and stood up.

“I better get going, Nick said that you want the house to yourself tonight…so I figured I’d take the girls out so you could have some peace and quiet.” He added meekly.

Alyssa stood and gave him a hug. “Thank you. And I’m sorry for saying nobody cares.”

“No, it’s okay. It’s got me thinking. But I’ll talk to you about that later, okay?” He said, breaking away from the hug.

Two hours later…

“Is Nick unhealthy?” Alyssa asked randomly as they all munched on their late lunches. She’d been contemplating the entire day about what he’d said about himself. She never really gave much thought to him being so hard on himself, but since their discussion that morning she’d begun to think about it a lot more.

Lori looked up at her friend with a quizzical glance. “What do you mean?”

Alyssa sighed; she didn’t want to go fully into detail about what had happened that morning, but she figured in order to get the correct advice she’d have to talk at some point. “Well this morning he was being really critical of himself and his appearance. I mean I never find anything wrong with the way he looks, it’s not why I’m engaged to him, but ever since he told me, I guess I’ve started to think about how he’s kind of stopped caring about his health until now.”

“Hmm, well he is a little out of shape, but nothing bad.” Kellie reasoned. “But if he’s noticing something then it must be pretty bad for him in his eyes at least.”

“What did you say to him when he told you how he was feeling less than secure about his looks?” Lori asked, wanting to see maybe if her response may have any detrimental effects on his current state of mind.

Alyssa sighed, “I told him that I love him for him, and not what he looks like, but if he wants to make a change then make a change and I’ll be right by his side to support him.”

Kellie and Lori grinned at each other momentarily, both of them seemed to be pleased with her response. “So then what’s the problem?”

“I just want to see if you guys have noticed anything.”

Lori sighed, “Alyssa, snap out of it. If he’s unhappy with himself, then HE has to change it, not you. So what’s the use in worrying about it when you can’t do much about it but support his decision?” Lori asked.

“I guess you’re right. It’s just, I worry about him, you know?”

“We know.” Both replied in unison with grins on their faces.

*******************************

Alyssa Narrating:

I don’t get it…

Honestly, I really don’t. How can someone who has everything in life. Career, family (partially, but still at least his siblings love him!), and love.

Why can’t he just be happy? I mean I know that’s almost impossible for someone to be completely happy, but why can’t he just accept that, yeah, not everything is always perfect? It infuriates the hell out of me sometimes. His attitude about how he can never be happy because once he is then the other shoe will drop and bam undo all that happiness. I mean, yeah, I see where he gets it from and honestly, sometimes I’m like that, too. It’s hard being in a relationship when you have your own insecurities. I definitely have a few. And it’s becoming more and more apparent that he has many. A lot of them I didn’t even know about until after we got engaged.

I guess he’s decided to let himself be vulnerable since I said I’d spend the rest of my life with him.

It’s interesting, though. How now that he’s getting everything else in his life under control. Family, career, settling down with me, our first child. Maybe he’s looking to better himself so he can be more equipped in his mind at least to be the man that we all need him to be?

I don’t know; maybe I’m just grasping at straws. In all honesty, I think he’s going to be an amazing father. He’s practically a father to his own siblings. He tries his best to guide them as much as possible because Lord knows his parents never cared enough.

I’ve become quite bitter about the subject of his parents. Just seeing exactly what their selfishness and ineptness did to those five is despicable. And I only know bits and pieces here and there about what went on. For the longest time Nick, and Leslie kept me out of the family drama. I guess they did it to keep me as an innocent bystander. That way I’d never have to deal with it. What they didn’t think was how it was affecting them, emotionally to the point where I’d have to deal with it.

Case and point…Aaron’s little outburst this morning.

I couldn’t believe how childish all of them were being. I mean granted Leslie and Beej had some great points that Aaron should in fact be picking up after himself. But damn why does EVERYTHING in that house have to turn into World War III???

It’s a little insane sometimes, but sometimes you just have to grin and bear it.

End Narration.

******************************

Alyssa sighed as she walked out of the bathroom from brushing her teeth that night. “You know I was talking to Kellie and Lori today…” She began.

“Yeah and?” Nick asked wondering what she had to say as he helped her turn down the bed.

She grinned and sat on the bed Indian style and looked at him, “Well I asked them about what you told me this morning.”

“You talked to them about what I told you in strict confidence?” Nick replied, completely outraged by it the fact that she couldn’t just talk to him about something, but that she had to include her friends as well.

“What? I needed advice about it. It’s not everyday my fiancé voices his insecurities to me. I was caught off guard and it got me thinking, okay? And I needed an outside opinion, okay?” Alyssa said calmly.

Nick shook his head and paced the room for a minute. He felt betrayed. His appearance was an extremely sensitive subject for him so for it to just be general conversation between her and her friends really irked him to no end. He looked at her then around the room focusing on the mirror. He saw himself and at that moment completely lost it. “You know it annoys the hell out of me that you can’t just talk to me about things. It’s like everything in our relationship is done by committee that I’m not even apart of.”

“Nick, it’s not like that, I just needed to know that how I was feeling about it was valid, okay?”

Nick scoffed a little bit, “How YOU feel? What about how I feel about you gabbing to your fucking friends about me? It’s like everytime I talk it’s automatically ‘oh I gotta run off to Kellie and Lori and get their opinion first’. It makes me wonder if you’d rather be in a relationship with them since you talk to them more than you talk to me about how you’re feeling about something I said.”

At that moment, Alyssa’s anger rose within her. She couldn’t believe how irrational he was being. “How fucking dare you call my loyalty into question. Or for that matter to even think that how I feel about what you’re feeling isn’t valid. I worry about how you think of yourself. It’s not healthy. You don’t realize how amazing you really are! But, no, you’d rather focus on the negative and go around bitching about how the world wronged you somehow.”

“I do not go around bitching. I hardly ever talk about how I’m feeling and when I try you explain it all away and make me feel like I’m stupid. I hate that you act so superior just because you actually WENT to college. What do you think I’m a total idiot here?”

Alyssa rolled her eyes at his comment, “I don’t think you’re stupid or an idiot! Though you do tend to do stupid shit.”

Hurt flashed across his face for a moment then his expression turned dark as if he was plotting something. “So says the Queen of fuck-ups.” He shot back.

Alyssa’s eyes widened moment not believing what just came out of his mouth. “You’re un-fucking-believable Nickolas. Yes, I’ve made mistakes in my life, but I’ve learned from every one of them!”

"Well, don't worry about making anymore mistakes that deal with figuring out MY problems. You're cut off! Now go tell Kellie and Lori and see how you're supposed to feel about that!" He retorted sharply.

Alyssa’s eyes narrowed and her breathing became heavy, “I don't HAVE to go to them about this one. I already know you're an insecure idiot!”

Nick clenched his jaw and grabbed his jeans from the floor pulling them on and stormed out without saying another word. Alyssa jumped as she heard the front door slam and she went through the bathroom to her old bedroom slamming the door behind herself then leaned on it sinking to the ground in a crumbled mass of raging emotions.

“You want to talk about it?” She heard a voice say from somewhere in the room. She looked up momentarily seeing Mike sitting on the couch reading.

“I thought you were out with the siblings?” She asked wiping her eyes.

“I came back early, heard you two arguing figured I’d make myself busy. What happened?”

Alyssa shook her head. “If I tell you it’ll just piss Nick off more.”

“So? Looks like you need to talk to someone. So talk…”

Meanwhile…

Nick drove aimlessly for about 20 minutes until he came across his favorite spot. Granted it was night and almost pitch black aside from the parking lot, there were a lot of people some playing volleyball on the lighted area in the sand. He walked over and plopped down on a spot looking out at the ocean seeing the waves glint in the moonlight.

“Funny seeing you here.” A familiar female voice said at his side.

He looked up, not even caring to hide the angry tears sliding down his face. “Oh…Hey Emma…” He said, suddenly self-conscious of himself and turned away wiping his face so that she wouldn’t see.

Emma sat down next to him and tentatively placed a hand on his shoulder, “Is everything all right?” She asked, her voice and expression full of concern.

Nick shook his head in response. “Just been rough lately that’s all.” He said, hoping she’d leave him alone to sulk.

“Maybe you should talk about it then?” She offered.

He looked over at her seeing genuine concern written all over her face and sighed. This was going to be a long talk.