Chapter Twenty-Six: Bleed It Out



“I bleed it out, Digging deeper just to throw it away, Just to throw it away, Just to throw it away.” (Bleed It Out by Linkin Park)



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Alyssa Narrating



I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate everything. Nothing has any value to me anymore, not since I lost the most precious thing I could have ever had. Being a mother is a special thing a gift that all women should experience in their lifetimes and it got taken away from me.



Why?



Because I was selfish and ungrateful. And I didn’t see the damage it was causing.



I’d give anything to go back to my life before all of this. Before Nick and I were engaged, before everything. It seems like the second we really start to settle down everything starts to go haywire. I don’t get it, why can’t I be happy? Why couldn’t I just be happy ever? Why did I have to be so blind and be so ungrateful? I just can’t understand it and I need something to distract me from this pain. This hatred of myself inside of me.



Hence I’ve decided to start school again, I need something a distraction that will keep me occupied. I’m going to get my PhD. And it’s been hard I had to practically pull rank just to get accepted into the program I wanted. Something about being too late for late enrollment or whatever. I couldn’t take no for an answer and ended up getting a special allowance since I’m a professor at the university.



What I’m studying is educational psychology in terms of relatability and resonance in Shakespeare literature. Sounds terribly boring I know but really it’s going to be amazing and my dissertation will be enough to eventually get me published, and hell I might even start writing textbooks on the subject and design my own course around it.



School doesn’t start for another few days and I’m going crazy. I’ve been talking with Olivia, since she came back from the hospital the other day. She can’t believe all that’s happened and she blames herself. And she really shouldn’t. It’s my fault, my problems that I unleashed on her and if she hadn’t been such an amazing sister and came down here to see me in the first place…



Maybe she wouldn’t have gotten hurt at all. I know there’s homophobes everywhere but at least in San Francisco where there is at least an atmosphere there that’s much more tolerant than most places it seems. It’s crazy to think that some people weren’t brought up to be as tolerant and understanding as I was. I was never taught to hate someone because of who they happened to love, what they looked like or what ever religion they subscribed to. It wasn’t so much out of being born out of two hippies like my parents.



Yes I know, my mother a hippie?

Though I can’t quite imagine them smoking it up with a black light and Led Zeppelin posters I can imagine them driving around touring with my dad’s band in his van and preaching about peace and love. And I guess it transferred to me and my siblings. What I wouldn’t give to talk to my father, especially now.



I wish I could just see his face, hear his voice just for a little bit, maybe then I’d be able to make it through all of this pain. Right now it seems like nothing could help me make it through. I couldn’t even bear to look at Nick, I see the pain in his eyes and I can’t handle it. Because I know this is all my fault, if I had just understood what my own body was telling me. Then maybe I wouldn’t have lost our son.



I wouldn’t have to see so much pain in his eyes. Pain that I caused. Pain that’s become so much, that it’s almost too much to bear on my own. But how could I talk to anyone about this? Talking about it just makes it hurt more. The pain seems to be growing and hurting more with each day.



And I don’t know how much more I can take. I don’t think I can take seeing more pain on his face. All of it is my fault and you know what? Maybe he’d be better off without me. Maybe it would save him so he can find someone that won’t hurt him like I have. With Brandon, and now little Noah. God he must hate me, just like I hate myself. I can barely look in a mirror because I’m so disgusted with myself. I can only imagine how angry and disgusted Nick must be at me. And really I deserve every bit of it. I just keep thinking…



Maybe if I wasn’t around, he could move on and have a happier life without me.



End Narration
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Alyssa walked into the living room with two cups of tea. She handed one to her sister, Olivia and the other she set on the coffee table for herself. Olivia looked at Alyssa seeing the pain in her eyes that she was trying to deny herself of. She felt horrible that her sister blamed herself for her getting hurt. She couldn’t believe that Alyssa could take any of the blame at all. After all she’d gone to LA as a surprise to her dear sister and to take care of her. “How are you?” She asked seeing her sisters sad expression.



Alyssa shrugged, “I don’t even know anymore…I’m so sorry Olivia…for making you come to LA if you hadn’t…” Alyssa said stopping when Olivia waved her hand to stop her.



She shook her head and gave her sister a sympathetic look. “Alyssa Mackenzie, this is not your fault you didn’t force me to come to LA and you didn’t force me to go out that night. I chose to. So don’t think for one moment that you can blame yourself.”



“I do though and if only I would have stopped you…”



“Stop thinking like that…I’m here aren’t I?



“Yeah…but you were hurt and violated…” She replied she felt like she might as well should have been the one to do all those horrible things to her. She felt guilty enough to be the one who did it. But then again would the perpetrators have any remorse? Olivia sighed a little still wincing at the residual pain in her ribs. “Are you all right?” Alyssa asked her sister. She was concerned that her sister was in more pain that she was letting on.



Olivia gave her sister a look. “Why are you so worried about me, you should be more focused on getting yourself better. Jesus Clark told me you died!”



“I didn’t die, I’m still here.” Alyssa reminded. Ever since she’d been told that her own heart had stopped it scared her that her body had given out so quickly. And sometimes she wondered, what if they couldn’t bring her back?



Olivia saw the darkness wash over her face and placed her good hand on her sister’s shoulder. “Hey, come on now you’re alive, and so is Nick you should be happy hat you two can work through this.”



“I don’t know Olivia…it’s just so hard.” She replied.



Meanwhile Nick took a deep breath letting it out slowly as he walked up to the house. He was more than happy to be home yet at the same time he felt nervous about the state in which Alyssa would be. Would she be teary-eyed, would she only talk to a few people and nothing more? He didn’t know but what he did know is that he needed to be with her. He’d taken off on the other guys in time to catch a relatively reasonable flight out of Nashville. He walked in patting Layla who scurried to the door at his arrival on the head.



He heard Alyssa’s voice come from the living room then stop at his announcement from Layla that he arrived home. He came into the living room dropping his bags near the walkway into the room. Without saying a word he came over to her and kissed her temple, “Hey sugar. How are you?” He asked keeping his voice low and soft.



Alyssa closed her eyes and waited until he pulled away. She got up quickly and went up the stairs holing herself up in her old bedroom. Nick sighed and watched her exit. He shrugged and his shoulders slumped in defeat.



“Don’t worry Nick, she’ll come around.” Olivia said optimistically.



Nick shook his head and sat down in Alyssa’s spot feeling the warmth her body left on the couch. What he wouldn’t give just to feel that again. “I don’t want her to come around, she needs to depend on me, for Christ’s sake she’s marrying me and she won’t even speak to me.”



Olivia patted him on his knee. “I’m sure you’ll think of something.”



“I already have.”



Olivia’s eyebrows raised in surprise, “Oh really?”



Nick gave her a look, “Get everyone but Alyssa, and have them meet me in the kitchen okay?”



She gave him an odd glance. “Okay…” She said as they both stood. Nick pulled her into a gentle hug.



“I’m glad you’re all right Ollie. I don’t know what I’d do without you being okay.” He whispered in her ear.



Olivia grinned and held him tighter for a moment, “You just take care of her that’s all I ask.”



Nick broke away and studied her face then nodded before heading off to the kitchen. Olivia grinned and went around the house gathering everyone and within twenty minutes she had everyone in the kitchen everyone greeting Nick giving him hugs and pats on the back welcoming him home. After the initial chatter rang out in the kitchen and died down he looked at everyone, seeing his siblings, Alyssa’s family, Kellie, and Lori with little Jamie on her hip. He sighed and placed his hands on the counter and looked down. “I want to thank all of you…for being here to support us during all of this shit that’s happened.”



Mary grinned and placed her hand on his forearm. “No problem honey, you’re family to all of us, blood related or not we love you.”



Nick raised his hand a little to stop them from going into more detail. “As much as I love that you guys have been here to provide your support. I’m going to have to ask everyone to back off.” He said making everyone’s brow furrow in frustration and confusion. “I know you all want to be here to help us get through this time. But I can’t have you all here. All it’s doing is making the distance between Ali and I worse. We need to rely on each other right now for support more so than you guys. And I know you want to be here and only want to help and I thank you all for it. You’re my family and I just need to be with her right now. She’s opening up to Olivia and breaking down slowly and I’m sorry but you all being here is making it easier on her to not open up to me. Her and I lost our son.”



“Nick…” Clark began to say to reason with him.



“I’m not finished…” Nick replied quickly. “We lost our child. You lost a nephew, or a grandchild. And I know all of you just want to help. But really you’re stopping us from moving on. I need this time alone with her. To get her to open up to me. So she can get her anger and grief out or it’s going to result in something we all don’t want.”



“And what’s that?” Olivia challenged. “Do you think she’ll attempt suicide again?”



Nick sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t know what she’ll do. But she’s letting herself stay closed off because she doesn’t have to open up with everyone around. And I don’t want to keep that cycle going so please I just need time with her.”



Mary nodded, “All right, all of us will be gone by this evening…” She said as everyone else began to voice their concerns and opinions in protest. “Enough!” Mary said loudly and sternly making everyone shut up. “They need this, we’ll be too selfish if we stay. So it’s done, we’re going.” She said shooing everyone out of the kitchen to go pack. She turned to Nick and hugged him whispering. “Just take care of my baby okay?”



“I’ll try my best.” He replied hugging her back. He watched as she left the room and went to go pack to leave later that afternoon. He knew he needed to be alone with her, to make her see that they could rely on just each other to get past their pain and grow together. He just hoped that in return she wouldn’t do something monumentally stupid to ruin any progress they may make.



Meanwhile Alyssa looked out her door seeing no one in the halls. She grabbed her iPod and snuck down the stairs heading for the door. “Going out for a run?” Nick asked making her stop and turn. She nodded in response and he came over to her placing his hands on her shoulders then rubbed his hands on her arms. “Be safe okay? I’m going to go to the store and get us some food for dinner tonight. How does chicken marsala sound?”



She sighed and nodded. “It sounds good.” She said softly. He grinned and brought her body close to his hugging her dipping his head to kiss her shoulder in relief she’d finally said something even though it was innocuous as what she’d said, still it was progress. Alyssa pulled away quickly turning and going out of the door. What little hope he had was dashed slightly by her cold reaction to physical contact with him. He knew she was suffering. But couldn’t she see he was suffering too? He’d been going crazy without her touch lately, even something so innocent as a hug or just a grazing of their hands. He missed the littlest things the most about them lately. The shared glances and just the general idea of being alone together and being able to just know and feel that innate comfort both used to provide for each other. He watched her disappear from view in the window and sighed, hopefully they’d get back to that earlier stage in their friendship and their relationship.



About five minutes later everyone came down the stairs to bid Nick farewell, as he got ready to go to the store himself. He hugged them all and they each left notes for Alyssa saying they’d call later to check up on her. Mary hung back a little and gave Nick one final hug as he headed out to his Range Rover. He hugged her and thanked her for her understanding and all her support. He watched her leave along with everyone else and smiled. He was grateful to them for all their love and support, but he knew one thing. He and Alyssa needed this time to be back to just being Nick and Alyssa again. And really begin to rebuild the love and trust they used to value so much.



He drove to the store thinking about everything as he parked and got out and headed into the store. He sighed seeing a 20 something girl stop and stare. He turned and grinned a little at her as he began moving throughout the store. He grabbed all the ingredients he saw on the list he’d made from Alyssa’s recipe box. After getting all the necessary vegetables and fruit for dinner and dessert he moved to the butcher section getting just the right cuts of chicken that were called for in the recipe.



Meanwhile Alyssa ran back into their neighborhood stopping in front of the house. She knew Nick was going to be gone to get dinner for them, but then why was everyone else’s cars and trucks were gone as well. She shook her head and stretched to cool down from her run. She headed inside and sighed hearing Layla scurry to the door barking and her tail wagging.



“Hey Layla baby.” She said scratching her behind her ear. Layla had become much more of a comfort lately, always sticking by her side offering a friendly face even when she just wanted to be left alone. She walked throughout the foyer and living room and then went upstairs inspecting all the rooms seeing everyone had gone.



She’d never felt more alone than in that singular moment. Had everyone just deserted her? With her head hung low she went up to the master bedroom and into the bathroom disrobing and getting into the shower.



At the same moment Nick made his way to the check out counter confident in his selections for dinner. He swiped his debit card paying for his purchases making small talk with the cashier flashing a trademark grin for her before he left. He sighed and loaded the few bags he had into his truck grimacing to himself as he saw shutterbugs out of the corner of his eye. He hated how being a celebrity meant every facet of your life was out for display. A few approached him, “Nick how are you feeling since the loss of the baby?”



He sighed and clenched his fists and set his jaw. Word had leaked out weeks ago of the entire debacle and no word from him or his publicist let the rumor mill churn with endless possibilities as to why the pregnancy had ended so abruptly. He turned to them and gave them all a disapproving glance. “Have you people no shame? Just leave us be we’re suffering enough from grief without you guys butting your heads into our private lives.” He left the paparazzi stunned as he got into his truck and pulled away making his way back home.



Simultaneously Alyssa got out of the shower wrapping herself in a large bath towel drying off and getting dressed. She noticed most of the steam had dissipated in the room and she caught her reflection in the mirror. The dark circles under her eyes, the pain she saw in her reflection she breathed heavily she went toward it seeing herself and what she’d let herself become. Most of her skin was pale or sallow with sadness; the only sun she would get was on her daily run which was an hour or two at most. She grimaced and then grew angry at herself.



Her anger began to grow, at her reflection her outward appearance that clearly displayed the torment going on within her heart and mind. She balled up her fist and struck out in fury breaking the mirror, sending shattered shards onto the counter and the tiled floor below. She withdrew her hand and looked down at it the red blood dripping from where the glass of the mirror had pierced her skin. She saw a small jagged piece of mirror on the floor and picked it up as she backed up sitting on the tiled steps of the large sunken tub. She studied the shard in her hand for a long moment glancing between it and the large bleeding cut on her hand covering her palm in blood.



The momentary relief of her struggle that the anger and subsequent injury gave her reminded her of a different phase of her life, and suddenly she realized why she truly began to cut in the first place. It did physically distract her from her internal pain. Breathing hard and with a shaky hand she began drawing the shard along her arm in shallow cuts that let the red blood inside her begin to stain and mark her arm where the shard had been drug across. She hissed and closed her eyes reveling in the physical pain she inflicted on herself.



Meanwhile down stairs Nick had just entered from the garage and put all the food away to cook later. He noticed that Layla hadn’t come down to greet him and he knew that meant Alyssa was home and upstairs. He grinned and headed up the staircase seeing the lights basically out in all the upstairs except for a faint light coming from underneath the bathroom door from both their bedroom and Alyssa’s old room as well.



He walked into the bedroom and pushed open the door, “Alyssa?” He called out quietly seeing the broken mirror the shards on the counter and floor the light trail of blood made his heart race as he found her sitting poised to drag the shard across her skin again her arm having three or four cuts already. “What the hell is going on?” He announced sharply making Alyssa look up at him.



She dropped the blood soaked shard to the tiled floor and got up avoiding eye contact with him. She’d seen his shocked expression the look of horror and disgust in his eyes. She went over to the other sink down a little ways from the other where all the glass from the mirror was. She washed off her arm hissing at the sting it caused. “It’s nothing.” She said plainly.



That’s when Nick’s anger raged, he couldn’t believe she was cutting again, let alone trying to pass it off as something that wasn’t important. “Nothing?! Is that all you have to say?” He spat back.



“What would you like me to say Nick?” She said finally meeting his gaze with her own.



He clenched his fists and shook his head at her, “You fucking promised me?! Does that mean nothing to you? You promised me you wouldn’t cut again. And here you are fucking cutting again!? What the fuck Ali?”



Alyssa turned her eyes from him for a moment and looked down at her arm. She couldn’t tell him of all the things she wanted to. She couldn’t burden him with her pain because she knew that it would only make his worse. So instead she went for anger and sarcasm to protect him from the truth. “So what’s it to you what I do with myself or my body, it’s not like any of this fucking matters anymore.”



Nick shut his eyes feeling the stinging of tears hit his eyes. He looked at her and moved toward her slightly. “I’ll tell you what fucking matters Alyssa. It was us. All this fucking time I’ve been trying to get you see that and you didn’t care all you fucking cared about was your fucking pain. Well what about mine huh!? Don’t you fucking think that I matter anymore? What are you going to do, try to kill yourself again?” He said pausing for a moment as if he waited for an answer. When he didn’t receive one he continued. “No you just wanted to be a selfish bitch and not share with me how you’re feeling so we can get better. I can’t fucking believe I fell in love with you. I’m done I can’t handle this anymore. I can’t fucking sit by and let you fucking push me away so you can have an excuse to do this to yourself anymore. I’m not going to wait for you to kill yourself and end our relationship or whatever the fuck we’ve become. I’m ending it now. Do what you want, just don’t expect me to give a shit about you anymore.” He spouted making her eyes widen at his words. He shook his head again in disgust and left the room charging down the stairs and out of the house.



Back in the bathroom the realization fully hit her and his words pierced the walls she’d built back up. She felt a tightening in her chest and a stinging in her eyes. She heard the tires on his car squeal as he peeled out of the driveway. Her whole entire body shook and she fell to her knees on the tile letting out a loud wail as hot tears of grief and frustration began streaming down her face.



“If you want you can find me. On the dark side of the sun. Babe I don't wanna see what we've become. The damage has all been done. Wake me up when it's over. After the ending. When the damage has all been done. The damage is done. I don't wanna be somewhere. I don't wanna be somewhere. Where you can watch me as I bleed. Leave me here in pieces.” (In Pieces by BSB)












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