“You been holding on so long. Tryin' to make believe that nothing's wrong. Not letting it show. There ain't nothin' you can do. To make me turn away from you. I need you to know. That you can let go. Don't be afraid when you're falling apart. Don't hesitate I'll be right where you are. Open your eyes there's a crack in the dark.” (You Can Let Go ~ BSB)
“So did you two discuss things that happened with your past?” Dr. Pinsky asked with a slight grin as he watched them get settled on the couch across from him.
Nick and Alyssa sat back and looked at each other considering their answer for a moment. Alyssa turned back and nodded, “We discussed a lot of things, we didn’t get as far as what happened this year but we got up to Collin and a little bit of my dad.”
“Did you discuss Nick’s past, and your friendship?”
Nick thought a moment, how he had made them focus on her more than himself. True he’d answered her questions honestly and thoroughly, but he’d always come back with another question for her and tried to make it about her emotional issues rather than his as well. “Yeah we covered it a little bit…I guess we could have covered it a bit better right?” He asked looking at Alyssa.
“Well, yeah I agree there, there’s still so much I want to ask you and everything like about your family and everything we’ve lived through in our friendship and relationship.”
“Do you think I tried to make it more about your problems than mine?”
“Yes.”
Nick sat back got a frustrated expression on his face. “Well sorry…” He said with a little sharper of an edge to his voice than he intended.
Alyssa rolled her eyes, “Oh my God…yeah I’m fucked up Nick…at least I can admit it, and here you are trying to solve my problems when you don’t even want to address yours.”
“I’m not trying to solve your problems Alyssa. Your problems are mine too! I lost a friend when Collin died. I lost a father when your father died. Do you not see how intertwined our lives have always been? When my parents divorced weren’t you the one there to kick me in the ass and tell me that it wasn’t my fault? That my parents were selfish and immature?”
“Yes because they were being selfish. Did you honestly ever think they cared about you or your siblings’ feelings or best interests? Especially after they learned you had talent? Come on now they saw dollar signs. It’s despicable what they put you and your siblings through. What they’re still putting you through. Jesus Christ Nick I used to like your parents until I realized who they really are.”
“And who are they?”
“Gold diggers. That’s what…you can’t honestly say that your mother had ever treated you with respect. Yeah she used to be the proud mother of a talented little boy, until she learned that your talent could support the family and provide her with the life she always dreamed of having. And honestly baby I hate her for what she’s done to you. She nearly ripped us apart this year, always pitting us against one another, stressing me out to the point where I lost our son.”
Nick closed his eyes as he felt tears sting the corners. He leaned his head back and swallowed hard. He hadn’t want to admit all the horrible things he’d seen growing up. His parents incessant fighting was really only the tip of the iceberg. The lack of love he felt growing up in the limelight had all come back against his mind making him feel completely vulnerable in that singular moment. He looked over at Alyssa seeing her angry face break into worry and concern for him. “You don’t understand…you had parents that love you no matter what. That raised you right, and supported your every decision.”
“They didn’t support every decision…you are talking to a former pot smoker and cutter remember?”
“I don’t mean shit like that. Even then they did everything they could to get through to you. Hell that’s why Jamie sent you to me!” He saw the shock register on her face and he shook his head. “You didn’t know? Yeah he called me up crying because he was scared for you and he couldn’t get through to you anymore. So he sent you to me because he knew that you and I had a connection stronger than anything you had at home. He cared about you Liss to the point where he was willing to see that he couldn’t help you, that you needed to get away.”
“What was in it for you? You never did tell me why you were so willing to take me in…” Alyssa asked. The thoughts always plagued her mind as to why he’d accepted her father’s offer of taking her for the summer. She figured he’d had enough to deal with, with AJ’s rehab, having half the tour cancelled and moved down to the fall. So what made him so adamant and welcoming to help solve her problems that she had back then?
“Because I was scared for you, I didn’t know that you were that depressed or even cutting. Jamie left that out that you were doing it. But I did know about the weed smoking. And I was really worried why the fun girl I knew was hurting so much she’d go and drown herself in that shit to make herself forget it all. I knew it had to do with your dad and Collin. But what I didn’t know was that you were blaming yourself for everything when it couldn’t possibly your fault for anything. Do you realize what finding you like I did, did to me?”
“No…” It was true she really had no idea what emotions he felt if any when he’d found her almost dead body back in 2001 after her suicide attempt.
He took her hand looking at the scars surrounding the large faded scar on her wrist. “It killed me, the entire night I was just sitting there hoping you’d fucking survive. And now…I look back and I realize why I wanted you to survive so much. That stupid selfish act you did in trying to end all your pain, made me realize that I couldn’t let you wallow in pain and let it get that far again. Because then I could actually lose you and I’m still not ready to accept the possibility of you not being around. You’ve almost died on me twice…once by a destructive and stupid decision you made, and the other because I was too blind to see how my desires for a family were destroying you little by little.”
Alyssa looked away for a moment then over at Dr. Pinsky he gave her a reassuring glance and she turned her face back to his. “I’m sorry, I didn’t see how everything I did was affecting you…I guess I wanted to protect you by keeping it from you.”
“But all that did was make me feel worse that you couldn’t share it with me. I mean it when I tell you I’m in this relationship to share our lives together okay? The good, the bad, everything I’m here and I just wish you’d rely on me. The way I’ve always relied on you. All these years…we’ve seen each other grow up and into the people we’d always wanted to be for each other. And it really fucking hurts that you can’t just let yourself be vulnerable with me. Fuck I know I harbor my emotions sometimes too but I’m working on it, and I know how hard it can be.”
“So Nick you understand where she’s coming from?” Dr. Pinsky asked. He figured he’d sat back long enough. He loved that he was getting to see the dialogue beginning between the couple. It showed that they were truly ready to begin the healing process they both so desperately wanted yet were so afraid to go through for fear it would break their strong bond.
Nick looked over at him as if he was noticing he were there at all. He turned back to Alyssa and sighed. “Yes of course I do.” He said looking between them. “You’re scared and I get that. I am too…letting you in is difficult because you’re such a huge part of my life, and admitting things to you is like having to admit them to myself I guess. It’s not easy and I understand exactly what you’re going through because I’m going through it too.”
Alyssa looked at him for a long moment staying silent letting his words really seep in to her head. “So Nick what did you feel when the events happened in July?”
“What seeing my fiancée flat line on the fucking table? Or seeing my child slowly die in an incubator?” He said scathingly.
“Nick…” Alyssa began to say but one look from Nick made her shut up completely.
“I felt completely fucking helpless. My life that I’ve worked so hard to build came crashing down around me within a matter of a few hours. It scared me so much to see your heart stop right in front of me. For God sakes you may be here now but for that instant…you were gone and my mind keeps replaying it over and over. Then Mary sent me to go get food and to get away from the whole situation after I’d been keeping watch on Noah for most of the night. He died while I was gone, before I could get back and protect him, he died. The only chance I had to build a bond with him and he was gone. You’re so lucky Alyssa, that you got to carry him and have at least a bond with him before everything happened. I didn’t get that. I got to see him yeah, but I never got to feel him kick much if at all, or feel what you felt carrying him. It’s not fair that I had to be the outsider with everything, and watch as everything I hold so close to my heart get ripped away from me.” He said barely biting back the tears that threatened to escape.
Alyssa took his hand and laced their fingers. “But Nick, I’m here…I didn’t leave.”
“Yes you did…You completely shut down. It’s like you flat lining killed the old you and replaced you with this shell of the girl I used to know.” He spat back. “I’d give anything to see the real you again. The girl I saw on my solo tour, or when we had such amazing moments of just us hanging out together when we first started dating or even a year ago when we were finally starting to get comfortable with being together again.”
“What if we never get back to that?” She postulated making him think.
Dr. Pinsky looked at the clock and adjourned the session. “Nick your assignment for next week is I want you to be completely open with her about your emotions about everything. You know how to do it we’ve worked on that. And Alyssa, try not to be pessimistic about the healing process. It is possible for you two to be even happier than you were before all this tragedy happened. It’s taking that tragedy and making it let you appreciate the fantastic moments even more because you know that in an instant everything can be taken away. So maybe this was more of a wakeup call that you two needed to start appreciating the time you have with one another.” He suggested making Alyssa nod as she let everything in the session sink in.
They bid him farewell and walked out. Alyssa broke away from him getting into the truck quickly. He walked around the other side and got in as well. “Alyssa…” He began before starting the car.
“You don’t have to say anything Nick…okay, I get it you’re just as messed up as I am okay?” She replied. “What I don’t like is that you can’t just tell me to my face you have to bring someone else in.” She wanted to open up and really let herself and him feel the pain that had been caused but she just felt like it was useless to try. The pain was so overwhelming why couldn’t they just move past it and be done with it? Why did they have to dwell on the events of the past months so much?
Nick gripped the steering wheel as he drove them home. “Don’t you fucking get it?!” He said glancing over to her. He shook his head and remained silent for the rest of the drive home, an uneasy tension between them. After they arrived home Nick got an idea and went to his laptop ordering two plane tickets. He went to her up in their bedroom and turned her to him. “We’re going on a trip.”
“What?” Alyssa asked completely bewildered as to exactly what he had up his sleeve.
“Pack an overnight bag we’re gonna go see your Mom.” He said throwing some clothes on their bed. He knew they’d have to do this eventually but now seemed like the most opportune time. He knew Alyssa was only trying to get them past their pain by avoiding it. But they needed to relish in the melancholy of losing their son together, not separate as they had been. And this trip, if done right, was going to do that.
Alyssa grabbed a duffel bag filling it with clothes. She knew she didn’t have to bring any toiletries, her mom’s house was always fully stocked with extra toothbrushes and things for any visits Mary’s grown children may spring on her unexpectedly. She packed quickly and picked up her cell calling her mother and leaving a message with her receptionist that Nick and her were making a surprise visit.
That evening…
Nick and Alyssa sat in her old room after sharing a quiet dinner with Mary. She’d been overjoyed to see her youngest daughter up and about let alone talking with Nick again. She’d been so worried that the tragic events of two months prior would make their bond become so strained that they wouldn’t be able to mend the damage it had caused and end up breaking them up for good. She watched as they sat and played poker in Alyssa’s old bedroom.
“I’ll raise you 15.” She said pushing a few chips towards him.
He looked at her face and mannerisms looking for any tells as to what her cards could be. She was one of the reasons why he’d become so good at playing poker in the first place. She was always amazing at being able to fool him with what her hand could be and he’d learned over the course of many late night games how she did it and learned for himself how to be a better bluffer himself. “Hmm…I fold…” He said cutting his losses. He glanced to the door seeing Mary standing there with a grin on her face.
Alyssa smirked triumphantly. “You had a straight! And I beat you with a pair of twos!” She said giggling.
Nick rolled his eyes. “I let you win! If I hadn’t have folded…”
“But you did! Ha!” She replied with a laugh. She was glad their earlier fight had dissipated for the most part. She was happy to be home again. To see her mom and spend some time with two of her favorite people. She’d only wished her father could be here to see this. That through everything that had happened she and Nick were still together, still engaged.
Mary chuckled watching them. “Nick will you help me with the dishes?” She asked politely she knew she had to talk to him alone away from Alyssa for a few minutes there were some things she needed him to know before she made her final decision. She’d been contemplating things for quite sometime and knew that it would upset Alyssa completely and she’d have to have Nick be there to help her through it. Nick got up and followed Mary downstairs and started helping her with the dishes while Alyssa went into the backroom helping with some laundry. “Nick…I needed to talk to you.”
“What about?” He asked as he took a wet dish from her and dried it off then placed it on a drying rack. He’d wondered why Mary needed to speak with him alone. He knew whenever Alyssa’s parents did that, it meant they had something coming up that they needed to prepare him for first before dropping the bomb on Alyssa. First it was with Jamie’s first round with cancer, the his second that ended up killing him. He knew that it was a defense mechanism for them to tell him first, knowing that Alyssa would have a hard time with dealing with it all.
Mary grinned and sighed a little as she continued to clean up the dishes from dinner that night. “Well…I’m considering that it’s time for me to start selling Jamie’s things.”
Nick stopped and turned to her. “Are you sure you’re ready for that? I mean…sell his things? Like what his clothes and personal effects?”
“Yes, his clothes, his computer, his truck…this house. I’m considering moving out to LA to be near you kids. I’m terribly lonely in this house all by myself now especially without Jamie here.” She said getting a little choked up. “Now I’ve wrestled with this decision for a while about a solid two years.”
Nick shook his head, “Mary you can’t, it’ll hurt not only Alyssa but Clark and Olivia too. Fuck they grew up in this house, how could you even think of selling it?! Clark and Lori live in LA yeah but they also live in Sedona still too. It’s not that far away. Please don’t just sell this house because you’re lonely.” He said with a twinge of sadness to his tone.
“I know, but maybe it’ll be better if this happens. There’s so many memories here. It’s sometimes too much to bear. Building the guest house, watching Jameson and
Alyssa out back playing soccer together. It’s just so hard to be reminded so constantly of everything that I’ve loved and lost.”
“But you haven’t lost us. Your kids, and well me. We still come visit every chance we get, and we love coming here all the time. We love you Mary, and we love this place, and all the memories here. Hell I kissed Alyssa here for the first time. Lori and Clark got married here.”
“Yeah and I had to sit and watch my husband die here.” She said with a depressed tone. “I’m sorry Nick it’s just, it’s hard to be in this house and know that I won’t get to really truly grow old with my husband because he was taken too soon. And sometimes it’s too much to bear.” She added.
Nick looked away and placed the last dish on the rack. “Now I know where Alyssa gets it from.”
“Gets what from?”
“The whole emotional avoidance thing. She gets it from you. I never really understood it, but now I do. You’ve tried to be strong for your kids all their lives, but really you taught Alyssa to close herself off to protect herself and others from pain.”
“So you’re saying it’s my fault?”
“In a way…yeah…and until you can see that your stoicism has taught Alyssa that being closed off is better than actually facing your emotions and problems. I know that’s not what you meant to teach her, but Alyssa looks up to you so much Mary. You know what she said when she was pregnant with Noah?”
“What?”
“That she hoped she could be half as good of a role model as you and Jamie were for her. She idolized your marriage Mary. And at the same time your strength and willingness to avoid everything. Fuck everyone fucking comes to me with Alyssa’s problems. Back in 2001 Jamie told me he was diagnosed with cancer, then you guys shipped her off to me. Why do I always have to be the strong one? Why can’t I fucking get pissed off or emotional? Can’t I have any feelings about Jamie dying, my own son dying, or for fucks sake you selling the house and Jamie’s things?! I thought I was part of this family apparently I’m just here to keep your youngest daughter in line.” He said with a huff of aggression. He walked out of the kitchen angry at Mary for coming to him at all.
Alyssa came into the kitchen seeing his quick departure and looked at her mother, “What did you say to him?”
“Don’t worry about it…I didn’t realize he would have gotten so worked up. It’s nothing…but go talk to him, get him to open up to you please?” She said trying to encourage her daughter to go get to the bottom of what Nick was going through in his mind.
Alyssa nodded and headed up the stairs and into her old bedroom watching Nick pace in anger looking like he wanted to punch something. “Nick…? What happened down there?”
He looked at her and saw her worried expression and he broke down. “I can’t fucking handle this! What the fuck!? Why do I always have to be the strong one? My entire life I’ve had to be the “strong one”. The only time I’ve ever not had to do that was with the guys. I was never forced to be the stoic one like Kevin was. Yet at the same time I was. I rarely ever tried to show emotion when it came to things I guess I felt I had to be professional no matter what I was personally feeling.”
“What do you mean?”
“My mother always said “don’t let them see you cry, it makes you look weak”. Then the second I’d even begin to get scared that I was so far away from home and in strange lands where people didn’t speak English. It scared the hell out of me. And then with you, everyone’s always fucking come to me when they see that there’s a potential problem with you or that you may not be able to handle something. It drives me fucking crazy. It’s like I can’t have fucking feelings about ANYTHING because I have to consider your fucking reaction and make sure you don’t fucking try to kill yourself again. When do I fucking get to have a breakdown?! When can I fucking feel something!?” He ranted still pacing the room.
Alyssa remained quiet for the most part as he continued his rant. She stopped him a little bit once he sat down on the bed. She walked over to him and wrapped her arms around him letting him bury his head against her chest. She stroked his hair gently and just held him silently. “I’m sorry…” She said in a quiet whisper.
He pulled away an looked up at her. She sat on his lap and wrapped her arms around him. “What are you sorry for?”
“For not letting you open up. I’ve always wanted you to be this open with me. But I guess I wanted to protect us too. You’ve got so much damage done to you, even more so than I’ll ever know. And I’m so sorry that I couldn’t just let you get your emotions out on the table without me being judgmental or unreceptive. I’ve been a horrible girlfriend in that respect. We used to be so good at this when we were friends. I guess I stopped trying once we started hooking up. And I’m so sorry for that. I love you…more than anything. And I know I need to say that more often…because you always tell me how much you love me and I’m kinda reserved with my heart especially when it comes to you. You have my heart completely you know. I love my family and my friends yeah, but you? You get something they’ll never have. And it scares the utter fucking hell out of me that I can love you so much without even really trying to.”
He wrapped his arms around her tightly just holding her against him. “Please stop holding back…I know I do the same thing and I’m gonna stop too. We can’t expect to share our life together if we’re not even gonna be open and completely honest with each other.”
“I agree… I want you to be completely open with me too. Even though knowing that you love me does scare the hell out of me sometimes. It’s good to know that you’re right here with me. That you feel just as much pain about certain things and have fears and doubts too. Sometimes it’s like I feel like you’re so completely sure of yourself and I’m sitting here and a complete mess of emotions and here you are Mister Perfect, always in control.”
He snickered a little and laid them back onto the bed. “I guess we’re more alike than we thought huh?”
“I’m guessing so.”
The next morning…
“Are you sure we’re ready for this?” Alyssa asked as they pulled into a parking space in the cemetery. It was a bright hot September day in Arizona, Alyssa could see the massive thunderheads off in the distance hoping that they’d get one hell of a storm that night before they’d leave in the morning to go back home to LA.
Nick turned off the truck and looked at Alyssa as he leaned on the center section of the car. “We need this sugar…we got to face our problems together. And I think this is going to help us do that.” He said then moved to get out of the truck. Alyssa patted the hood of the old dodge Durango that her father had owned and loved for many years. He took her hand and led her through the cemetery passing grave after grave. She watched as they passed headstone after headstone. How many loved ones had each of these people had? Were they as destroyed by their loss as she was by her own? The entire scene made her feel like her emotions paled in comparison by the dozens and dozens of people affected by each and every plot in the place. They came upon her father’s grave, and the one right next to it that read:
July 25th, 2007 – July 26th 2007
Although you weren’t ready for this world,
nevertheless you are loved.
At the sight of it Alyssa’s eyes began to tear up and she took Nick’s hand lacing their fingers. “God, this doesn’t even seem like it’s real.” She said aloud. Nick nodded and placed some flowers on the head stone. He breathed a few times then felt sad tears he’d been holding in for so long began to flow from his eyes. Alyssa saw him try to wipe his own tears away and stopped him. “Don’t hide it. Just let it out…we need you to. Not just me or you…but for him…” She said looking to the head stone. At that moment he crumbled to sitting next to the headstone and just felt everything he’d been holding in from all the months before, and everything he’d experienced in his life all came rushing back to him. Alyssa knelt beside him and hugged him crying as well. “I’m so sorry that he died…I feel like I did this to us. That my avoidance of any real painful emotion caused us to lose him.”
“I feel the same way…that my own selfish desires of having a connection with my mother, and my siblings destroyed him. I wasn’t ready to see what I had right in front of me was a family. You and Noah…you were my family and I was so consumed with wanting to fix my family’s problems that I took you and him for granted. And I lost him as a result, and I almost lost you too. I’m so sorry I let this happen.”
“Nick we both let this happen, we let our lives get in the way. We let our friends and family rule our relationship. We never used to do that when we were friends. We ruled our friendship as a team, we held back our true feelings and I think that’s why we’re having so much trouble now. Because we got so used to holding back that it just became second nature to us. And we reaped what we sewed. We lost our son. And no one can ever tell us how to feel about that but each other. I love you, and I’m beginning to see how much this has affected not only me, but you, and us as a couple. And I hate this. I hate that we let it get this far. And I’m determined for it never to happen again.” She said confidently. “You shouldn’t have to hide any of your emotions, thoughts or opinions from me. We’re a team and it’s time we started acting like one. Because when everything else is gone, when our careers are gone, when our kids are grown up and gone away we’ll still have each other and we need to be strong enough to survive the distractions and trappings of everyday life so when we do get to that point we won’t look at each other and go ‘who are you again?’”
He turned to her and hugged her to him. It was exactly everything he’d needed to hear from her. They needed each other, to rely on one another completely like they had back when they were friends so many years before. And for once he believed they were truly ready to begin to heal after all they’d experienced and lost. He turned to the headstone and placed his hand on it. “I just wish we didn’t have to lose him to realize this. He could have been such an amazing little kid.”
“But at least he’s not suffering.” Alyssa replied. “If he’d survived for the first year or so of his life, all he’d know is hospitals and doctors and surgery and pain. Would we really want to have put him through all of that just to have him be healthy? I know if he’d survived we would have done everything to help him get healthy so he could have had a normal life. But maybe this is better for him…so his soul can have another chance to be at peace. I know I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if he had lived and 20 years later he’d say that he wished he would have died because he went through so much pain at such an early age.”
“Maybe…but we’ll never get the chance to know.” He said lacing their fingers again as they sat on the grass. “I wish I could have protected him better.”
“I know, and believe me so do I. I feel like a complete failure every time I even think about what happened. And I know you feel that way too…that some how we could have done something better to prevent all this. When I don’t think we could have. Yeah we weren’t appreciating each other anymore, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that he had a heart defect from the beginning. Dr. Petrarch even told us so. Maybe we should not worry so much about our past. What’s done is done, and if we could go back and change it I’m sure we would but we can’t. We can’t change the fact that our son wasn’t strong enough to survive in this world. That our own relationship was almost just as weak if we hadn’t finally realized what we were doing to each other.”
“So what do we do now? Do we just forget?”
“No we never forget him. Ever, he was a part of both of us. We’ll never stop hurting from this…but just being here with you. Knowing that you feel the same as I do. It tells me that maybe someday we’ll be okay. We’re hurting so much because we lost him. And really at least we did get a little time with him. I had it when I carried him…and you did when he was in the hospital for those few short hours. I know it doesn’t quite compare to a life time of growing up and watching him grow up into what might have been an amazing person. But at the same time, we need to appreciate the time we did get with him. I’m beginning to realize that with the loss of Collin and my father. We were so lucky to even know Collin and my father. And we need to cherish those memories we have of them. Just like we need to cherish what precious little time we had with Noah.”
Nick closed his eyes and nodded in agreement. “It’s just so hard it’s not fair for Collin, Jamie or Noah. They all got taken away too soon.”
“I know, and we’re left to pick up the pieces of what they made us both feel. I loved Collin and we both adored my father. Collin was your friend as well. I guess what I didn’t realize was that I didn’t let you join me in our grief. I wanted to be left alone to wallow in my own misery. What I didn’t realize is that you needed me. And I’ll never stop apologizing for that.”
He sighed and held her close. “I’m sorry I couldn’t join you either. I was trying so hard to be strong for you…that I didn’t realize that I was hurting myself and us. I love you so much…and it hurts me to see you in pain. I just wanted to make it all go away.”
Alyssa hugged him and sighed, “It’ll never go away. We’ll always have pain and grief…but I think we’re beginning to come to terms with it.”
“I hope so…”
“Me too lover…me too.” She said as they held each other a little while longer. They each said a small speech to both Noah and Jamie’s graves getting out all their emotions and finally being able to say goodbye. The walked out of the cemetery slowly and Alyssa stopped at Collin’s grave staring at it. She closed her eyes picturing him exactly how she remembered, his dark hair, the piercing blue eyes, and tall lanky body. She gave her silent goodbye to him as Nick did the same. Though they’d had other family and loved ones pass on before…the three, Collin, Jamie and Noah were all taken before they were truly ready to say goodbye. But now they could finally begin to heal as they were meant to…together to help them appreciate what they had with each Collin, Jamie and Noah. They’d never forget the impact those three had on them, and they knew on the way back to the house that they’d never truly stop grieving their losses but at the same time it gave them hope that someday they might begin to accept their loss and begin to rebuild. And once again appreciate each other like they had so long ago.
If you read let me know what you thought =) thanks!!
