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Author's Chapter Notes:

Alyssa has a dream that sends her reeling.

Chapter 12 – Wake Up Call

 

           

The beginning of May was bittersweet for Alyssa. Usually, this time of the year was one of her favorites with the weather steadily growing warmer and summer just within reach. This year though it marked another month of unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant.  It was now just about seven months since she and Sean had decided to start trying for a child and the pressure to become pregnant was even more intense than ever. Even though Nick had tried to reassure her that it wasn’t a tragedy if she failed to conceive before Sean’s departure to Iraq, Alyssa was stubborn. She knew how badly Sean wanted a child with her and she knew that they’d been lucky that he hadn’t been deployed yet, but with each month that passed Alyssa knew that they had less and less time to try. In the past few weeks, she’d become almost fanatical with any way she could find to boost her fertility. She scoured website after website looking for any little tip she could find to improve her chances of conceiving. Some ideas had sounded a lot like old wives’ tale’s such as taking your temperature before having sex to tell how fertile you were or only having sex certain times of the day and in certain positions. Still, Alyssa didn’t hesitate to try anything she read about. She’d even changed her entire diet around after she’d discovered that everything she ate could have an impact on her ability to get pregnant.

 

            There was always Melanie’s offer lingering in the back of Alyssa’s mind, to refer her and Sean to the fertility clinic that she and Kevin had visited before finally becoming pregnant with Julian. At first, the idea had sounded unthinkable. Alyssa couldn’t even fathom the idea of there possibly being something wrong with either her or Sean which would prevent them from conceiving. As the months wore on though, Alyssa actually began to start to consider it as an option. Maybe they should at least make an appointment for a consultation. It couldn’t hurt right? When she’d asked her gynecologist for her opinion at her last visit though a few weeks ago, her doctor had assured her that the success rate for conception in women her age was very high and that very few women in their late twenties have serious problems that prevent them from getting pregnant. She’d also pointed out that normally doctors recommend that a couple try for at least a year before seeking out other options. Alyssa and Sean had only been trying for seven months, but Alyssa doubted that they’d have an entire year to keep trying. As a result, the situation had left her feeling powerless and frustrated and she’d been snippy at everyone lately.

 

            Everyone picked up on the change in Alyssa’s attitude, but no one seemed to address it outright. She and Sean barely spoke without fighting and whenever they were on good terms they were trying to conceive a child. It began to seem like all they did anymore was fight and have sex. And it wasn’t even good make up sex. As of lately it was beginning to feel routine and mechanical. There was no more excitement or passion. Sex was beginning to seem like a chore that needed to be done in order to hopefully have a child one day. It was at the point now where Alyssa found Sean to be so boring and predictable she could probably have sex with him in her sleep. Some nights she felt like she did. It was not only her relationship with Sean that suffered though. She’d been harder on her students too, raising her voice much louder than usual with them. She’d even begun to blow off her friends. Whenever Teri called and asked her to do wedding stuff with her or Izzy invited her and Sean over for dinner, Alyssa made up some kind of excuse. She just plain wasn’t in the mood.

 

            Finally one Saturday afternoon not being able to put up with Alyssa hiding away any longer, Teri and Tricia had driven over to Alyssa’s house and pretty much forced her into going out to lunch with them. They hadn’t heard from her in weeks and knew that an afternoon out with the girls full of raunchy conversation and fattening food was just what she probably needed.

 

            Their first surprise came after they’d arrived at one of their favorite LA restaurants for lunch and Alyssa only ordered a Caesar salad instead of her usual cheeseburger and French fries. “Is that all your eating?” Tricia asked, with raised eyebrows. “You never order just a salad. Are you like on a diet or something?”

 

            Alyssa just shrugged. “Not really a diet per say. I’ve just been more conscious about what kinds of food I’m putting into my body lately.”

 

            Teri narrowed her eyes in Alyssa’s direction. “Trust me, hun. You definitely don’t need to worry about watching what you eat. Now considering I’m getting married in five months, I’m a different story.”

 

            “I’m not trying to lose weight!” she angrily defended herself. “I’ve been doing some research on things that I can do to help improve my chances of getting pregnant, and one of the first things they tell you to do is to change your diet around. I’ve cut out caffeine and I’m trying to eat more vegetables and less carbs. That’s all.” Her explanation was cut off by the sound of loud giggling coming from a table of young women who appeared to be in their early twenties a few feet away. Alyssa wrinkled her nose in disgust and rolled her eyes in their direction. “God, I hope we weren’t that annoying when we were their age.”

 

            Teri just smirked at Alyssa’s bitchy remark. “For a woman who is supposed to be getting laid as often as you are you sure are in a nasty mood.”

 

            “Yea, well maybe the getting laid part isn’t as great as it sounds,” she mumbled.

 

            Her friend’s face softened. “You and Sean still having trouble finding time for the two of you? I remember you saying that was an issue the last time we talked.”

 

            Alyssa sighed. “It’s getting better as far as finding the time goes, but I don’t know… Lately it’s just been like the same old routine night after night. And nothing seems to be happening in the baby department, so I guess it’s making the both of us more and more discouraged. It’s like the longer it doesn’t happen, the harder he feels like he has to try, and the harder he tries the worse it gets.”

 

            “Ouch,” Tricia chimed in sympathetically. “Sounds like you guys are in one hell of a rut. Why don’t you try to change it up a little bit? If he isn’t doing it, why don’t you take control? Do a little something different to change the monotony a bit.”

 

            “Oh, I’ve tried. Teri suggested that I try to take the focus off of the baby for one night and switch it to just the two of us, but every time I try to get his mind off it he has to go bring it up again. It’s like we can’t have sex without him reminding us that we’re trying to have a baby here.”

 

            “Have you tried talking to him about how you feel?” Teri suggested. “Maybe he doesn’t realize he’s doing it. Or maybe he does, but doesn’t realize the effect it has. Although I don’t see how he can’t. If things are that strained in the bedroom, doesn’t he realize that something needs to change?”

 

            “I’ve tried talking to him about it. Whenever I bring it up though, he gets so defensive. It becomes another excuse to fight, so I don’t even bother anymore. And as far as him being oblivious to how routine things are getting… Well, let’s just say I’ve learned to become a really good actress,” Alyssa admitted with a blush.

 

            “You mean you’ve been faking it?” Tricia gasped. “Alyssa! I’m shocked!”

 

            “Yea I know… Totally not my style and I was always thought that it was a completely dishonest thing to do, but in my situation its just easier to act like I’m enjoying it and just get it over with. I can’t wait until I actually get pregnant and things can finally get back to normal.”

 

            “Normal? Ha! You think after you’re pregnant your sex life is gong to go back to normal? Ask Melanie, Leighanne, or even Izzy what happens after you have a baby. Not that I’d know from experience, but most of my friends who had kids said that after the baby came along their sex lives chilled significantly,” Teri pointed out. “Hate to be the voice of negativity, but it’s the truth.”

 

            “Thanks,” Alyssa dryly replied before sighing. “I’m sorry I’ve been such a bitch lately, but I’ve just been really stressed about this whole pregnancy thing and instead of bringing Sean and I closer it’s only wedging a gap between us. Then I haven’t been sleeping very well. I’ve had a lot on my mind and then I had a really strange dream which I don’t know what to make of…”

 

            “Dream? What kind of dream?” Tricia curiously asked.

 

            Alyssa froze for a moment. She hadn’t intended on bringing up the dream that had woken her up in the middle of the night in a sweat and had left her feeling so confused and mixed up that she wound up lying awake for pretty much the entire night. It wasn’t until she’d finally crept downstairs and sprawled out on the living room couch, that she’d been able to get any sleep at all. She supposed it had something to do with the fact that Sean had been next to her the entire time, making her even more uneasy. The dream had been haunting her all day no matter how hard she tried to push it into the back of her mind, so she supposed she shouldn’t be too surprised that her subconscious had chosen to mention it. “It’s not important,” she quickly replied. “It was stupid really.”

 

            Teri shook her head in obvious disagreement “Dreams are never stupid. They’re actually really insightful in a fucked up way. Why don’t you tell us about it? I love interpreting this kind of stuff.”

 

            “Oh, you’d definitely have a ball with this one,” she muttered. Again the words were out of her mouth before she even realized it.

 

            “Ok, now you do realize you have to tell us about it or we will just pull it out of you. And you know that I’m very good at doing that. What kind of dream was it? Was it a good dream or a bad dream?”

 

            Alyssa sighed, knowing that she was defeated. Teri was right. She may just as well tell them. Besides if there was anyone who could help her figure out the meaning behind this dream it was Teri and Tricia. This particular dream was right up their alley. “Depends at how you look at it. It started out really good. Kind of weird, but damn good.”

 

            “So I’m guessing this was a sexual dream then?” Tricia slyly asked.

 

            “Yea,” she reluctantly agreed. “But then it got pretty fucked up.”

            Teri raised her eyebrows and stifled a laugh. “Fucked up in a good way or fucked up in a bad way?”

 

            She just rolled her eyes at her friend. “Not fucked up in some weird, kinky way. Fucked up as in it got really dark, really fast.”

 

            The two other women looked intrigued now. Teri was the first to speak after a long pause. “Okay… I have to ask. Who was it about?”

 

            “Nick… And Sean was in it too.”

 

            Tricia gasped. “You were dreaming about having sex with Nick?” Already her body was leaned forward intently as if she was clinging to every one of Alyssa’s words. “Something tells me this is going to be good.”

 

            “Actually that doesn’t surprise me too much,” Teri remarked. “But please start from the beginning. I’m curious to know where Sean comes in.”

 

            Alyssa took in a deep breath as she began describing her dream in further detail. “Well, like I said, it was starting out like your average sex dream, but then the tables turned really fast and it freaked me out big time…”

 

*************

 

            The early morning light filtered through the bedroom window, but Alyssa found herself oblivious to the sun’s rays that flooded over her body. She was too preoccupied on the searing kisses that she was currently sharing with the man beside her. Her mind was fuzzy and even though her eyes were closed, making his identity unclear, she could feel their limbs entangling as their mouths meshed together.

 

           

Their lips broke apart for a moment, and Alyssa’s eyes opened as she drew in a shaky breath. For the first time her eyes made contact with his and she gasped once she realized who they belonged to. She’d been half expecting to be met with Sean’s light green eyes, but instead found herself gazing into Nick’s blue ones.

 

           

 She stared up at him in shock for a moment, but before she could further react his lips were on hers again, and all questions began to slip away from her mind. Her body instinctively reacted as she surrendered to the kiss. Her fingernails lightly dug into his shoulders while his arms snaked their way tighter around her waist. He rolled onto his back, pulling her on top of him as the kisses once again deepened. Alyssa softly moaned as his mouth made contact with the side of her neck. Her fingers flew up and buried themselves in his hair while her eyes closed, savoring the feeling of his hands over her body.

 

           

Nick continued his assault on her neck, nipping and sucking at the delicate area which produced several frustrated cries from Alyssa’s lips. Impatience began to take over her body and her hips rolled up against his almost pleading for him to move on. Sensing her urgency, Nick flipped them back over so their lips were only inches apart. Alyssa hooked her arms around his neck, pulling him down just enough to close up the gap between the two of them. She moaned against his open mouth as his fingertips stole underneath the lacy edge of her bra and brushed against one of her already hardening nipples. A shiver ran through her body when he lowered the material just enough to expose the erect bud before leaning down to swirl his tongue against it. Her back arched in response allowing him to take her more fully into his mouth as he gently sucked against her soft skin. His hand slowly traveled up the top of her thigh and Alyssa writhed uncomfortably feeling it so close to her center. Seeing the effect it had on her, he let his fingertips brush up against her inner thigh, playing with the edge of the black lace boy shorts she was wearing. Another frustrated groan escaped her lips and not being able to stand much more she gripped her hands around his wrist and placed his hand at the top of the waistband, hoping that he would get the hint.

 

           

 Seeming pleased with her initiative, he slipped his hand underneath the garment, and Alyssa practically sighed in relief as he dragged a finger up against her. Her hands clenched around the sheets underneath her while he continued to stroke his fingertips against her wet folds. Steadily, he began to rub a little bit harder, leaning down to dip his tongue into her naval. Alyssa bit down hard on her lip as her eyes clenched shut tightly already feeling the heat beginning to rise in her body. Without hesitation, Nick plunged two long fingers inside of her causing Alyssa to gasp loudly. Her body took over automatically moving against each thrust of his fingers as they pumped harder against her. She was so lost in the moment that she didn’t even hear the sound of the bedroom door being kicked open over her increasingly louder cries.

 

           

Just as she was beginning to feel the familiar quaking feeling of her orgasm approaching her, she felt Nick stop. Her eyes sprang open in surprise and as she peered over Nick’s shoulder she gasped, this time for an entirely different reason. Standing near the doorway stood an enraged Sean who seemed to be breathing just as heavily as she was; only he looked extremely hurt and pissed off. The wild look in his eyes was enough to sober her as she sat up trying to adjust her rumpled clothing.

 

I didn't hear what you were saying.
I live on raw emotion baby
I answer questions never maybe
And I'm not kind if you betray me.
So who the hell are you to say we
Never would have made it babe.

 

“I knew it!” he finally shouted breaking the tense silence. “I knew that you were fucking him behind my back! You kept denying it to me, but I knew that you were lying to me! But in my own bed? That’s fucking low of you Alyssa.”

 

           

 Alyssa looked around helplessly her mind scrambling for some kind of explanation, but how could she explain herself when she wasn’t even sure how she’d wound up in the situation in the first place? “I’m sorry,” were the only words she could think of to say, wincing at how pathetic they sounded under the circumstances.

 

           

“Sorry? Sorry doesn’t cut it! You made a vow to me Alyssa! Does that not mean anything to you?”

 

           

 Again Alyssa just hung her head silently, not being able to defend herself. She’d be the first to admit that she had been wrong, but all she could remember was how right it had felt.

 

           

“You know if there was something that you needed that I wasn’t giving you, you really should’ve let me know instead of searching for it in the arms of your ex boyfriend,” Sean continued, all of a sudden sounding almost too calm. “Too bad… Now that you’ve taken something from me, I’m going to have to take something from you.”

Before Alyssa could ask him what he meant by that she caught glimpse of something silver glinting in the sunlight in Sean’s hands. She screamed shrilly when she realized it was a gun.

 

I

f you needed love
Well then ask for love
Could have given love
Now I’m taking love
And it’s not my fault
Cause you both deserve
What is coming now
So don’t say a word

           

The next ten seconds seemed to happen in slow motion for her. Her scream seemed to be frozen in the air and all she could remember was the crazed look in her husband’s eyes. A loud popping sound ricocheted throughout the room like an explosion. It didn’t sink in that Sean had actually fired a shot until she felt Nick’s arms dive around her body, forcing her to duck down beneath the covers for safety. His body covered hers like a shield and Alyssa shrank under the comforter for what felt like forever waiting for her heart to stop pounding.

 

          

  Finally getting the courage to open her eyes Alyssa realized that Nick was on top of her. She nudged him with her elbow, but nothing happened. Wriggling out of her position, pinned underneath him she screamed as his body slumped forward. Pulling her hands away she realized they were sticky with warm, red, blood. Her eyes flew up towards Sean who was staring at the gun almost as if he couldn’t believe he had actually shot it. Her attention focused back to Nick who had a clear bullet wound through his back. He’d gotten hit just as he was diving across the bed to protect her. Her hand flew up to her mouth in shock as tears began to flow down her face.

 

           

 “Nick… Please be okay!” she begged almost hysterically as she rolled him over, cradling his head in her lap. “You’re fine… Just open your eyes. Please!” Her sobs grew louder once she saw how unresponsive he was, but she refused to accept the fact that he was gone.

 

          

  She was so panic stricken that she barely noticed Sean tentatively approach the side of the bed and place his hands on the pulse point near his neck. He looked up at her grimly. “He’s gone, Alyssa. He’s not going to be waking up.”

 

Wake up call
Caught you in the morning with another one in my bed
Don't you care about me anymore?
Don’t you care about me? I don't think so.
Six foot tall
Came without a warning so I had to shoot him dead
He won't come around here anymore
Come around here? I don't think so.

~ Wake Up Call- Maroon 5

 

**********************

           

            “Wow… Uhh yea… Now I totally see why you’re so freaked out over this dream,” Tricia said wide eyed after Alyssa finished describing it. “I don’t even know where to start.”

 

            “I told you girls to have fun with the analyzing. Lord knows there’s plenty of shit in there to talk about,” Alyssa told them, sitting back in her seat. “So, start wherever you please.”

 

            “Well, first off I think it’s pretty obvious that you still have feelings for Nick,” Teri stated. “Feelings that are more than just friendly. I’d say that you definitely still have sexual feelings about him deep down somewhere.”

 

            Alyssa opened her mouth to protest, but quickly closed it. She didn’t like to admit to herself that she was still sexually attracted to her ex, but it was kind of hard to deny it if she was having sexual dreams about him. And there had been that little spark she’d felt between them at Tiffany’s with the necklace. She’d brushed it off at the time, but now she had to wonder if it was really attraction she’d felt.

 

            “And the whole Sean part symbolizes your fear of what could happen if Sean ever realized that you still have these feelings for Nick even though you haven’t acted upon them like in the dream,” Tricia continued before frowning. “You haven’t acted on them, have you?”

 

            “Do you mean have I done anything with Nick since I’ve been with Sean?” Alyssa asked incredulously. Two pairs of eyes stared at her curiously. “God no! Things between Sean and I are complicated enough right now.”

 

            “But you’ve thought about it, right?” Teri pressed. “Hypothetically speaking if you could sleep with Nick and get away with it without Sean or Shayla finding out, would you?”

 

            Alyssa sighed, once again feeling like she was in the hot seat. “That’s not a very realistic situation,” she argued, trying to avoid giving an answer.

 

            “Just answer the damn question. Hypothetical’s or never realistic. That’s what makes them hypothetical.”

 

            “All right,” she finally admitted. “I guess based upon where Sean and I are now in our relationship and how crappy our sex life has been lately, if I could do it and get away with it I probably would.” She winced. “That probably makes me a horrible person, right?”

 

            Teri shrugged. “Not really. At least you’re honest. And it’s not like you’re actually going to do it.”

 

            “Yea, you’re right,” Alyssa reluctantly agreed. “But I still feel guilty for even thinking it.”

 

            There was an awkward silence between the three for a moment until a devilish smirk appeared on Tricia’s face. “So, Alyssa… While we’re being honest here and letting loose, who is better in bed? Sean or Nick?”

 

            Alyssa groaned. “I swear you girls live to torture me by forcing me to admit my deepest darkest secrets.” Knowing that her friends wouldn’t relent until she answered the question she gave in. “Okay. It’s definitely Nick hands down. There’s no contest.”

 

            “Oooh… Scandalous,” both women hooted.

 

            “Well, it’s the truth. I mean not that Sean is bad by any means. Yea, right now we’re in the middle of a bit of a rough patch, but usually it’s pretty good. It’s just hard to compare them because they’re just so different. I’ve done things with Sean that I’ve never done with Nick and vice versa. I guess the thing about Sean though is he’s not always consistent. Like one time it’ll be amazing and the next it’ll be like uhh what the fuck was that? But overall it’s usually pretty good,” she confessed.

 

            “And Nick?” Teri asked.

 

            A sly look came across Alyssa’s face. “Amazing pretty much all the time. I mean I suppose we’ve had those few times where it could’ve been better, but nine times out of ten it was for lack of a better word, amazing. Let’s just say that I’ve never had to fake anything with him. Shayla’s a lucky woman.”

 

            The two other women exchanged a glance and laughed as Alyssa continued sounding more serious. “I just sort of wish that I’d had some of the confidence I have in myself now that I lacked back then for him. If I did… Man, I think it would be just unbelievable. But, I guess it wasn’t meant to be.” Her voice trailed off sadly and then it finally hit her enough to make her choke up a little bit. “Fuck. I think I just realized that I’m not as over him as I thought I was.”

 

            Both women’s faces softened and put their arms around Alyssa who was already beginning to tear up. “I was trying to deny it all this time, but I think my dream proved it. I’m still attracted to him and I think that’s one of the reasons that’s putting a strain on my relationship with Sean and I have no clue what to do about it. I can’t cut Nick out of my life completely because it would mean cutting out nearly all my friends, but the more I hang out with him the harder it is for me to convince myself that I don’t have feelings for him. This could be bad.”

 

            “Hmm…” Teri pursed her lips. “Well, I’m not denying that you still have feelings for Nick, but if you want my honest opinion, I think that you’re using them as a distraction from your current problems with Sean. In your mind, it would be easier to run back into Nick’s arms then to actually sit down and work shit out with Sean. I can’t tell you who you should be with, but you have to consider Sean and Shayla’s feelings too. You need to at least give things with Sean another shot before making any rash decisions. But you know I’ll support you no matter what you do girl.”

 

            “You’re right,” Alyssa agreed. “I’m blowing this out of proportion and it’s not like he’s tried to make a move on me or anything. As far as I know this is all in my head. Hell, I don’t even know if he feels the same way. Sometimes I think he might, but other times…”

 

            “Well, I think that you need to listen to what’s in your heart,” Tricia advised. “If you really, truly think that you and Nick belong together, you need to go for it. You’ve let him slip through your fingertips quite a number of times already. Yea, you’ll probably hurt Sean, but isn’t it even more hurtful to lead him on and believe that you love him when you’re in love with someone else?”

 

            “I wouldn’t say I’m in love with him, at least not at this point. I just still have an attraction to him and that’s all. It could be completely innocent,” she pointed out.

 

            “Yea… So innocent that you’re having sex dreams about him.”

 

            “Tricia… You’re not helping.”

 

            “Sorry about that,” she apologized. “But yea… Just do what makes you happy. You’re always putting others first before you. Go out and take care of yourself for once.”

 

            “Thanks for the input ladies, but I’m through talking about me for one afternoon. How are those wedding plans going Teri?”

 

            Alyssa sat back and listened as Teri began to ramble on about all the unfinished details still left for the wedding, but her mind was a million miles away. If anything her conversation had left her even more confused about her feelings for Nick as well as her feelings for Sean. Was she doing just as Teri suggested and creating these feelings as an excuse to hide from her difficulties with Sean? Or was there honestly something there? And if there was, did she have the balls to do anything about it?