Chapter 23 - Denial Is Not Just a River

Alyssa nervously sat in the waiting area of her doctor's office, jiggling her knee as she surveyed her surroundings. Most of the other women in the waiting area were at various stages of pregnancy, some already even with other young children waiting with them. Her eyes sympathetically glanced at a very pregnant looking woman across the room who was struggling to quiet a pair of crying twins who couldn't have been more than about a year old themselves. I guess things could be worse, she thought wistfully, wondering exactly how the woman could handle soon to be three kids under the age of two.

       It was the date of her first doctor's appointment. The one most women looked forward to in anticipation. She'd have her pregnancy confirmed... Find out how far along she was so far and most likely when the baby was conceived (although she now had no doubts about that one)... Maybe even get to hear the baby's heartbeat for the very first time. Yet Alyssa had to admit that she was anything but excited right now. All the joy and anticipation that she had initially built up had pretty much crumbled since her conversation with Dr. Beard. Instead of looking forward to this pregnancy, Alyssa actually felt a strange sense of dread instead.

       Alyssa's life seemed to dramatically change from the moment that Dr. Beard dropped the shocking bombshell that Sean was unable to have children, confirming the fact that the baby that she was carrying had to belong to Nick. Ever since that fateful phone conversation, Alyssa appeared to move in a stunned haze, too wrapped up in her sticky predicament to really pay much attention to anything around her. She hadn't been able to sleep comfortably in the last couple of nights. Instead she spent most of the time tossing and turning and worrying about what she should do. Callie and Kim had immediately picked up on her change in attitude and had shown some concern. Alyssa had tried to evade their questions by convincing them she was fine, just a little depressed that Sean was so far away and not by her side to experience her pregnancy alongside her. That had seemed to satisfy the two women who had also chalked up her sudden change in moods to a shift in hormones, which they'd already warned her would get much worse as her pregnancy progressed. Just what I need, she'd scoffed. As if I'm not already emotional enough without my hormones going bonkers.

       Both Callie and Kim had offered to go with her today for her first appointment, but she'd politely turned both of them down. She didn't want to have to fake excitement and happiness for them when she really felt nothing of the sort. Just kind of an empty hollowness inside herself. She wanted to do this alone.

       Her thoughts were interrupted as the door to the examining rooms opened and a young nurse stuck her head out. "Alyssa Robinson?" she called.

       Alyssa gathered up her things and got up from her chair. She followed the nurse behind the doorway into one of the examining rooms on her left. As she made herself comfortable on the examining table the nurse flipped open her chart. "So, I hear that you just found out you're pregnant?"

       Alyssa nodded and tried to fake an enthusiastic grin. "Yea... Just last week."

       "Congratulations," she told her as she reached over to begin taking her blood pressure. "How have you been feeling? Any fatigue? Soreness? Morning sickness? Moodiness?"

       "Oh yeah..." she laughed. "All of the above. I get so winded from the simplest things. I'm a little worried how I'm going to feel once I actually start getting bigger."

       The nurse just smiled. "Well, Dr. Spencer will be giving you a prescription for prenatal vitamins today and that should help control a little bit of that fatigue. This is your first pregnancy, correct?"

       Again Alyssa nodded. "Uh huh, so I'm a bit nervous," she carefully admitted.

       "Most first time Mom's are. Don't worry though. You're in good hands." The nurse scrubbed her hands in the sink and pulled out a pair of latex gloves. "I'm just going to take a quick blood sample and when I'm done I'll let you change into a gown and Dr. Spencer will be in shortly to examine you. Sound good?"

       "I guess so," Alyssa answered, staring warily at the needle that was about to pierce her flesh. She wasn't a huge fan of giving blood, but she knew that she'd have to do a lot of this throughout her pregnancy. She held out her arm for the nurse and gritted her teeth as she felt the needle poke through her skin. She made a little hissing noise as the nurse drew her blood.

       "Almost done," she assured her as she withdrew the needle and bandaged up her arm. "Not so bad, huh?"

       You're not the one giving the blood here, Alyssa wanted to say, but bit her lip. The nurse handed her a white cotton gown to change into. "Make yourself comfortable and Dr. Spencer will be in to see you shortly."

       She left the room and before she knew it, Alyssa was alone again. She stripped off her clothing and put on the paper gown and lay back down on the examining table, staring up at the ceiling tiles. As the minutes ticked by she could feel her stomach tightening up more and more. She hated all this waiting. All it did was give herself more time to think and to worry about her current predicament.

       She'd obviously been doing a lot of thinking, weighing her options and such. She'd examined the whole messy situation from every possible angle and the only conclusion she'd been able to reach was that no matter what she chose to do, someone was bound to get hurt. It all basically boiled down to which man would be willing to sacrifice their rights as a father. The logical and probably most moral choice would be to confess everything to Sean about the night she'd shared with Nick and his sterility. The aftermath would be ugly though. She didn't even want to imagine how crushed he'd be to learn that he wasn't about to become a father after all along with the fact that he couldn't have kids period. Sean wasn't the type to take cheating lightly; especially cheating with her ex boyfriend who she had sworn to him several times that she no longer had any feelings for him. He'd probably divorce her. She really was no better than Shayla when it came to lies and betrayal.

       Then there was Nick. Alyssa had no idea how he'd react. It was really hard to say because Nick was hard to read at times. Sometimes just when you think you'd have him all figured out, he'd do something completely unexpected. He'd been pretty adamant about not wanting kids, but then he himself had admitted to being a little disappointed to learn that Shayla wasn't really pregnant. Could something have changed? Of course their relationship was complicated enough already. What would happen if she decided to tell him the truth? How would he react? Would he be ecstatic or terrified? Would he want to completely drop Shayla and be with her? There was too much uncertainty there. Yes, Nick had changed a lot in the last four years, but she wasn't sure he had changed that much. News like that would probably send the old Nick running for the hills.

       Really Alyssa could only see three options of how this could play out. Option A would be that she came clean with Sean. Sean probably would not be willing to raise the child on his own knowing that it was not only his, but Nick's and their marriage would end on the spot. Then there was still the question of whether or not Nick would even accept her and her child. That led to a whole other set of worries and concerns which led to Option B. Nick could divorce Shayla and her and Nick could live happily ever after, but Alyssa had her doubts. Although in TV shows and movies, babies seemed to be just the thing to bring two people together, back in the real world Alyssa knew that more than likely they caused the opposite effect. Nick obviously had his reasons for not wanting kids. Being forced into the situation like this definitely could take its toll and destroy the little bit of a friendship they shared. Then there was Option C. It was definitely a risky one, and although completely reprehensible, Alyssa was beginning to wonder if maybe it was the best option for everyone involved. It was a plan that only Shayla could probably appreciate and if it came out, it could hurt her relationships with both men. But it was such a tempting offer. What if she just simply kept her mouth closed? Let both men go on believing that she was pregnant with Sean's baby? Ignorance was bliss, right?  It could go smoothly and neither one would ever know. But, of course Alyssa did have a conscience. Was it really fair to hide a health problem such as Sean's sterility a secret from him? Would it be fair to deny Nick of knowing that he had a son or daughter? And of course would it be fair to the child not to know their real father? Situations like this happened a lot actually. She'd heard of many a person reacting this very same way in her situation. It was selfish and unfair and hurtful, but at the same time she'd only be doing it to protect those that she cared about.

It gave her some consolation that there was at least one other option out there that would be even more selfish and cowardly. Some women placed in her situation might actually go as far as to choose to have an abortion. That was one thing that Alyssa could never do. No matter how unplanned or unexpected and no matter how many problems this baby was causing, she knew that she could never in good conscious choose to end her baby's life before it even began.

The door creaked open interrupting Alyssa's thoughts and in walked Dr. Spencer, a petite blonde woman in her early thirties with a bright smile on her face. "Good afternoon, Alyssa! How are we feeling?"

"Pregnant, I guess," she responded, trying to make a joke.

Dr. Spencer laughed and looked down at her chart. "Well, I think that's a pretty accurate description. I just got done looking at your blood work and you are in fact pregnant. Congratulations! Didn't I tell you that you had nothing to worry about?"

"Yea... That you did," Alyssa answered, trying not to be appear uncomfortable. All along she really didn't have anything to worry about with her personally. It had been Sean who had the problem.

"So, first what I want to do is examine you to make sure that everything seems to be going along okay and also to give me an idea of how far along you are. Then maybe we can try to see if we can get a heartbeat for you."

Alyssa nodded and lay back as Dr. Spencer began her examination. While she was doing this, she asked Alyssa some general questions that she did the best to answer. She tried to pay attention whenever the doctor explained anything to her, but there were just so many things to remember that her brain felt like it was on complete overload. Finally after what felt like forever after lots of poking and prodding, Dr. Spencer pulled away with a grin on her face.

"Well, based on when you told me your last period was and from what I can tell, I'd say that you're about five to six weeks along. You'll be due most likely sometime in March."

Sounds about right, she figured in her head. It had been roughly six weeks since her encounter with Nick at the condo. The timing definitely worked out.

"Everything seems fine so far, but I want to see if I can get a heartbeat for you," the doctor explained as she got the proper equipment ready. "The heart muscles have just begun to develop, so it'll probably be a little hard to hear, but if you listen to it closely you can make it out."

            Alyssa nodded and took a deep breath as she felt the coolness of the stethoscope against her stomach. She glanced over at the fuzzy image on the screen next to her and she found it hard to believe that the little spot of white was her baby. "Ok listen carefully," Dr. Spencer instructed. "It's soft, but it's definitely there."

            Her ears perked up and she could very faintly make out a soft pounding sound. For the first time all week a genuine smile lit up her face and she realized that she was actually amazed. It had finally sunk in that she was really pregnant. In nine months she was going to be a mother. Okay, maybe she did have some major baby daddy drama to figure out, but hearing her unborn baby's heartbeat with her own two ears was almost like a reassurance to her that things were going to work themselves out. Everything was going to be okay.

*************

            When Alyssa left the doctor's office about half an hour later her hands were full of pregnancy pamphlets, a prescription for prenatal vitamins, and a list of foods that she should be eating. She got into her car and headed home, stopping only to drop off her prescription at the drug store. Just as she was stepping inside her door she heard her cell phone ring from inside her purse. She fumbled with the pamphlets in her hand, tossing them onto the nearest table as her hands dug into her purse to fish out her phone. "Hello?" she answered not even bothering to check who was calling.

            "When were you going to tell me that you were pregnant?" a familiar voice demanded on the other end of the line.

            Alyssa's face paled as she recognized Nick's voice. She was confused enough about him and now here he was calling her. She definitely didn't want to spill the beans and confess to him the entire truth about her pregnancy, but she was afraid that he'd see through her act. "Wow... Gossip really travels huh?" she finally managed to stutter out.

            "Izzy called and asked if I was going to send a congratulations gift to you or anything. Being completely clueless I asked why the hell we were congratulating you. Imagine my shock when Izzy explained to me it was because you were pregnant. Why didn't you tell me? You told everyone else apparently?" Nick appeared to sound hurt and a small flash of guilt hit Alyssa.

            "I'm really sorry," she rushed to apologize. "I was going to call you, but things got really crazy and I've been feeling really tired and a little sick and I just haven't been up to it. I figured someone would tell you sooner or later anyway."

            There was a pause and Alyssa was pretty sure that Nick didn't believe a word that she just said, but thankfully he didn't question her on it. "Well, congratulations. You and Sean must be thrilled."

            "Yea... We are," she half-lied. Sean was thrilled. She had been thrilled until she'd found out the results of her and Sean's tests and then all the excitement had been gone, just like that.

            The conversation hit an awkward patch in which neither one of them was quite sure what to say next. Not being able to stand another torturous moment Alyssa quickly scrambled for an excuse to get him off the line. "Thanks for calling me up to congratulate me, but I just got in from the doctor's and I think I'm going to lay down for a bit. I'm feeling a little nauseous."

            "Okay. I hope you feel better and good luck. Give me a call next week or something and maybe we can do something. Maybe I can help you start baby shopping or something."

            Help me baby shop? If Alyssa hadn't felt sick before this definitely did it. There was no way that he was helping her go baby shopping. That would just be weird and awkward on so many levels. But not wanting to hurt his feelings, she quickly brushed him off. "Sure. I'll talk to you soon," she lied, before hanging up the phone.

            She sighed loudly, sinking back onto the couch. Of course now of all times Nick was going to be all Mr. Supportive Best Friend and help her do all the things that Sean couldn't do being away. As if things weren't complicated enough. She wondered if Nick knew that this was actually his baby she was carrying, would he be this dedicated and helpful? Or would he be avoiding her like the plague? Alyssa wasn't sure she wanted to find out. The best thing for the both of them right now would be for her to play the avoiding game, a game that they'd been playing for the last six weeks, but only now had gotten a hell of a lot more interesting.