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Author's Chapter Notes:

Alyssa reaches a big desicion.

   

Chapter 26 - Emotion Sickness

 

Nick gazed out at the clear blue ocean that stretched out in front of him from the deck of his boat and loudly sighed. It was the next day and he was still trying to recover from the bombshell that Alyssa had dropped on him the previous afternoon. He'd been absolutely stunned ever since she'd told him the truth and of course just like had it been with Shayla his first instinct was to run. He needed time to think and make sense of it all. Even now twenty-four hours later it still felt like some kind of sick joke. But Alyssa wouldn't lie about something like that, he rationalized. Why would she? She'd seemed completely distraught over the situation and no one was that good of an actress.

 

He'd lain awake almost all night, staring up at ceiling like a zombie, his thoughts rushing at him faster than he could process. Finally realizing that he needed to really think this out as clearly as possible, he'd decided to take his boat out today. He hadn't done that in awhile and he had to admit that he did some of his best thinking while he was out on the water. It was the perfect day to be out on the water too. There wasn't a cloud in the sky and the early September sun was just warm enough.

 

He wished that on the inside he felt just as peaceful as the weather today. Instead he had so much turmoil balled up inside of him. Honestly, he wasn't sure what his next step should be or much less what he wanted it to be. For the second time this year, he found himself faced with the scary reality of fatherhood looming before him, only this time he knew that it was the real deal. Being a father wasn't really a role that he really wanted to accept at this point in his life. But with Alyssa? He had to admit that he'd considered her to be probably the only one of his serious relationships he'd even imagined possibly having a child with someday. When he had been dating Mandy, they were both young and kids were the last thing on either one of their minds. Then he'd dated Alyssa and he'd actually kind of been thrust into fatherhood with Katie. As bad as things had wound up with Katie, when he and Alyssa got back together and they'd gotten engaged, he definitely could picture a family in their future. His parents divorce had ruined that illusion for him. His next serious relationship had been Paris and kids hadn't even been a discussion for them. Anything that could jeopardize her stick like figure was an automatic no. And now with Shayla? He just couldn't picture her as the motherly type. She was too career oriented.

 

He knew how badly Alyssa had wanted to become pregnant, but of course not like this. How ironic was it for Sean to be unable to have kids all along? If he hadn't been sterile, Alyssa probably would have gotten pregnant a lot sooner and not have been as frustrated with Sean. If everything had just worked out the way they were supposed to he began to seriously wonder if the night they had shared together ever would've happened at all?

 

There was no way that he ever could've imagined that on that particular night they'd actually go as far as to create a baby. It was just so crazy how fate turned out. He wanted Alyssa to become pregnant to make her happy, but he certainly hadn't planned on himself to be the one to be responsible. Things had just happened to work out that way though. And now he was being faced with the decision of what to do now.

 

He supposed Alyssa was the one with the hardest burden to bear. Stupid him hadn't even stuck around long enough to find out what exactly she planned on doing about the baby. He realized that in the end it was her ultimate decision whether or not she wanted him to be a part of their baby's life. He was well aware about how badly Sean wanted this child, so for him to find out that it wasn't his after all, sure would be devastating for him. He seriously doubted that Sean would be the type who would be okay in raising his baby. It would mean that Nick would constantly be involved in Alyssa's life, and he doubted Sean could stomach that. But what other option was there? For a moment or two he pictured Alyssa leaving Sean and him leaving Shayla and the two of them running off and making a new life for each other, but he quickly shook the image from his head. Not only was it completely unrealistic and way too neat and tidy, it just sounded like something out of some cheesy movie. With much hesitation, he had to admit that the only thing he really could do at this point would be to stand by Alyssa and support whatever decision she decided to make.

 

There was one thing he needed to do though. He needed to let Alyssa know all of this. He hated to think how upset she probably was after the way he had just ran out like that on her the day before. He needed to apologize for his actions and let her know that he'd stick by whatever choice she made. He dug into his pocket and fished out his cell phone taking a deep breath before he dialed Alyssa's now familiar phone number.

 

The phone rang a few times before he heard Alyssa's voice on the other end. "Hello?" she answered, her voice sounding tired and small.

 

"Hey Lyss... It's Nick." He didn't give her time to respond before he rushed to continue his little speech. "Look, I really want to apologize for last night. I shouldn't have run out on you like that. It was a pretty asshole kind of thing to do under the circumstances."

 

"It's all right. I probably would've done the same thing in your shoes too I guess," Alyssa admitted.

 

"I think that we should get together and talk about this now that we've both had some time to think things over I guess. Probably face to face would be best," he continued. "I'm out on my boat right now and it's a beautiful day. It's nice and private, so it might be a good place to talk. Could you maybe meet me at the arena in like forty-five minutes? I'll turn around and pick you up."

 

He could hear Alyssa swallow on the other end of the phone. "All right. That sounds like a good idea. I'll pack us some sandwiches or something."

 

"Sounds good. I'll see you then," he told her before hanging up the phone. He stared out at the ocean one last time before preparing to head back to shore to pick Alyssa up. His stomach knotted in nervousness. As much as he didn't want to have the conversation that lay ahead of him, he knew it was necessary. He just wondered what exactly was going on in Alyssa's head at the moment.

 

**********

 

By the time he pulled back into the dock, Alyssa was already standing there waiting for him dressed in a pair of denim Bermuda shorts and a long, flowy grey and green cotton tank top that was fitted on top. On her feet were a pair of green flip flops and a pair of sunglasses were placed on top of her loose wavy hair. In her hands she was holding a blue beach cooler.

 

"You're early," Nick remarked in surprise as he anchored the boat.

 

"Yea I know. I wasn't waiting very long though. I just got here a few minutes ago," she explained, avoiding making direct eye contact with him.

 

"You look nice," he told her, trying to break the ice a little bit between them.

 

"Thanks." There was another awkward pause until Nick stepped forward and held out her hand to help her onto the boat. A few moments later she was all aboard and dropped Nick's hand as if it were on fire.

 

"You ready?" he asked as he began to steer the boat back away from the dock.

 

Alyssa just nodded and turned her attention back out onto the water. The two of them remained silent for about twenty minutes as Nick piloted them a reasonable distance out into the ocean, the whole time Alyssa seeming very interested in the water below her. Finally when Nick seemed satisfied with their location, he dropped the anchor and let them drift a little bit with the current.

 

"I don't know about you, but I'm pretty hungry," he hinted, eying the cooler sitting in Alyssa's lap. "What did you bring?"

 

"Turkey, cheese, and mayo," Alyssa answered. "And bottled water. Is that okay?"

 

"That's fine," he assured her, grabbing the cooler from her. "If you want I think I have a blanket inside the cabin that we can spread the food out on."

 

"I'll go check," she offered, seeming grateful for an excuse to leave him out on the deck for the moment. A few moments later she reappeared with a red and blue plaid blanket in her hands. She laid it out flat on the deck and made herself comfortable on it.

 

Nick, who had already helped himself to his sandwich and bottle of water, plopped down beside her as he took a bite of his sandwich. "Mmm... Not bad."

 

Alyssa narrowed her eyes at him. "Nick it's a turkey sandwich. They all pretty much taste the same no matter who makes them."

 

"Okay you're right," he admitted. "I was just trying to find something to say to make this less awkward."

 

She sighed, her gaze shifting back out onto the ocean. "I don't think that there's anything you really could say to make this less weird."

 

"Right again. So, let's not try to dance around the topic any longer." Nick took a swig of his water bottle, wishing that it contained vodka instead. Lord knew he probably could use some to help him get through this. "I just want to let you know that I've done a lot of thinking since I ran out on you last night. Again I apologize, but if you haven't realized by now that's kind of me when I get unexpected news. My first instinct is to run away and hide until the news has really sunk in and I'm prepared to deal with it. Well, I've thought about it and I'm now prepared to deal with it. As much as this is the last thing either of us expected to happen as a result of that night, it happened and it's my responsibility to own up to the consequences. I know that this really is your decision in the end and I just want to let you know that whatever you decide, I'm willing to cooperate one hundred percent."

 

Alyssa's eyes glistened with tears in the sunlight as she turned to look at him for the first time since he'd picked her up. Obviously his words had struck some kind of painful chord in her. "Whatever I decide, huh?" she asked. "You'd really be cool with anything I wanted?"

 

Nick shifted on the blanket uncomfortably feeling like this was some sort of trick question. "Well, I guess just about anything. I mean it's your body and you have more to lose than me with Sean and all. Unless you're thinking about getting an abortion or something... I wouldn't want you to do that especially because I know how badly you want a baby even if its father isn't exactly the same man that you planned on it being." He stopped once he realized that he was babbling.

 

Alyssa's eyes narrowed at him again. "You honestly think I could go into an abortion in good faith? I'm one hundred percent against the idea. Besides, it's getting too late for that anyway. I'm almost done with my first trimester already."

 

"So, have you thought at all about what you do want to do?" he tentatively asked.

 

She paused looking back down at her fingers. "It's really complicated. Sean seems so thrilled about this baby. He keeps leaving me e-mails about all the things the three of us are going to do as a family when he comes home from Iraq." She looked back up at him, tears streaking her cheeks. "He's so clueless it's heartbreaking. He has no idea that this baby I'm carrying is yours and that the truth is that he can't have kids naturally on his own. How am I supposed to break that to him? Especially when I can't even have the decency to do it in person, face to face? I can't just be like oh yeah; on second thought you're not going to be a father. I've never seen a man so grateful for this opportunity before."

 

Nick could already feel his stomach drop knowing exactly where this was heading. "What are you thinking of doing?"

 

Alyssa sighed, giving Nick the indication that this was an extremely difficult decision for her. One that she had given a lot of thought to and although it would be hurtful to him, it would be the best for everyone involved. "This is really a shitty situation and I'm so sorry to place you in the middle of this. At first I thought about not even telling you period, but that would be extremely unfair. You should know that you have a child out there somewhere. It's not fair to deny you of that. And I want you to be a part of this child's life. You deserve that much, but-"

 

"What are you trying to say?" His heart was hammering in his chest so hard that he didn't even realize that he had interrupted her.

 

She took a deep breath. "Look, you've made it pretty clear that you aren't a fan of having kids of your own right now and that's fine. That's your choice. It's not fair that because of one night of too much wine or whatever you have to be forced into a situation that you want no part of. Sean wants this so badly Nick. Much more than you do. I know this is asking you to make the ultimate sacrifice, but could you keep this a secret? Let the world believe that this baby does belong to Sean. Then after it's born I can think of some way to let Sean know that he's infertile. Maybe let him believe that it's a result from some chemical over in Iraq. But please let him have just this one chance."

 

Nick could do little to hide the fact that he was stunned. Completely and utterly stunned. Of all the possibilities, this was the one option that he hadn't even thought about. The one option he was almost sure of that Alyssa would never consider. Desperation really brings out the worst in people, he realized. He had to admit, part of him was appalled that she'd even ask him to give up his rights like this, but as much as he wanted to scream at her and really ream into her for even thinking he would be okay with the idea, he also knew this wasn't a decision that she'd reached without considering every other option. As much as he wanted to, he couldn't consider her to be a selfish bitch. He knew Alyssa and he knew she was doing this because she cared more about those around her than herself, so ironically enough this seemingly selfish act was completely unselfish. He knew how Alyssa's mind worked and he knew the guilt that would eat away at her every time she saw Sean hold his baby. It would haunt her for the rest of her life. But that was the price she was willing to pay just to protect her husband.

                                                                                                    

Still was he willing to give up his chance at fatherhood for Sean? Alyssa had been right. He hadn't wanted her baby to be his. He didn't really want kids, but knowing that he had a son or a daughter right underneath his nose was kind of hard to ignore. It hurt big time that Alyssa just had assumed that he didn't want the responsibility, so they might as well turn it over to someone who did want it. Okay, maybe he wasn't jumping up and down like Sean was, but did that make him any less of a person? Yea, he'd have other opportunities for children. Hell, if he really wanted, he could run right back home to Shayla and work on having their own child and she'd be just ecstatic. But it wasn't the same. He'd created something so special with Alyssa, probably the most influential woman in his life, and to have her ask him to give it up just like that was pretty much just a slap in the face.

 

"Nick please say something," she tearfully begged, her eyes pleading with his. "This really is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I hate all these lies and deceptions, but it's for the best. It could never work with you and me. You know that and I know that. Like I said I want you to be a part of this baby's life. You're definitely be the Godfather. I'm not going to deny you from spending time with him or her."

 

Yea, Godfather, Nick scoffed to himself. What a joke!

 

"Besides Nick... You did say that you would support my decision no matter what I decided, right?" she continued.

 

"Yea." He swallowed hard. "I did say that." He looked away almost embarrassed to feel tears well up in the corner of his eyes. "Do what you have to do," he told her in a choked up voice as he stood up from the blanket knowing he wouldn't be able to hold it together much longer. "I'm going to go inside for a bit," he muttered as he headed into the cabin.

 

Alyssa turned and watched him go before drawing her knees up to her chest and burying her head into her legs as she cried. She knew that she had hurt Nick very badly. It hurt her to see him so upset and to know that for once she'd been the one to cause him pain. But it really was the best thing to do. In the end, she had to be loyal to her husband. She just hoped that in time he'd learn to understand and hopefully forgive her.

 

**********

 

            Nick slammed down his cocktail glass for the third time onto the hotel suite nightstand, before grabbing the half empty bottle of Jack Daniel's he had grabbed from the hotel mini bar, and refilling his glass again. He'd been long awaiting the chance to drink himself until he felt so numb that he couldn't feel the emotional pain that Alyssa had put him through earlier that afternoon. He'd wasted no time in heading back to the marina where Alyssa had been smart enough to exit his boat without even bothering to say goodbye. After he'd secured his boat to the dock, he'd driven straight to the condo and headed in just long enough to grab his things. He knew he couldn't stay there with all the memories of his night with Alyssa there to haunt him. He'd checked in to the nearest four star hotel for the night while he cleared his head, which is where he was presently.

 

            He was just at the point where he was beginning to feel a nice little buzz beginning. He could feel the numbness in his hands and feet and laid his head back onto the bed in relief. His arm brushed against the outline of his cell phone in his pocket and he pulled it out and flipped it open, having the urge to talk to someone, but he wasn't sure who. He flipped through his contacts and then stopped when he saw his wife's name highlighted.

 

            That's when he knew what he had to do. It was pretty obvious that what had happened between him and Alyssa was not going to happen again and she'd hurt him just as badly as Shayla had. He realized for the first time that he was no longer angry with Shayla. He dialed her number before he lost his nerve and waited as the phone rang.

 

            "Nick!" Shayla's voice broke through the line. "I'm so glad to hear from you! Where are you?"

 

            Nick took in a deep breath. "I'm in a hotel suite at Chateau Marmont... Do you think you could stop by?"

 

            "Of course. I'm cancelling all my meetings right now," she assured him. "What's the hurry? You sound urgent."

 

            "It is. I want to come home."