Chapter 43 - Fallen Soldier

            Alyssa slammed her car door shut and struggled to balance the two large grocery bags that she held in her arms. It was about a week or so into the New Year and she'd just arrived home that Saturday afternoon from doing a little food shopping. This certainly is a lot easier when Nick is around, she thought to herself as she made her way towards her porch. Since both hands were full she'd have to set at least one package down on the ground while she searched her purse for her house key. "Ugh," she groaned as she placed one of the bags on the ground and then straightened up, gripping her lower back. Even simple tasks such as bending over were beginning to become almost impossible tasks as she continued to grow bigger. She wished that Nick could've come shopping with her, but since he'd returned back from Vegas they'd barely had time to spend together. Things at the label were beginning to pick back up again and Alyssa was already busy trying to organize her lesson plans for her sub once she went out maternity leave. Having experience as a substitute teacher herself, she knew that the transition to a new teacher in the classroom would be easier on not only the students, but the sub as well if everything was laid out as organized as possible beforehand. As it was she feared her students would give any sub a run for their money, so if the lesson plans were laid out already that would be one less thing to worry about.

            At first Alyssa had worried a bit about Nick's sudden lack of attention towards her. Is he getting cold feet? she had wondered. She'd been particularly upset when he hadn't called her until later on New Years Day to wish her a Happy New Year. He'd sounded apologetic though, claiming that Shayla had confiscated his cell preventing him from making the call sooner. Alyssa had accepted his excuse and they'd made plans to see each other once he returned back to LA. Since then they'd only had the opportunity for one or two very brief meetings. She hoped that things would clear up soon for the both of them. She hadn't realized just how much she missed not having him around until only recently.

            Finding her key, she stuck it into the lock and turned the knob. The door sprang open and she stepped inside to place the package in her hands on the table. Remembering the remaining package outside she headed back out to the porch to retrieve it. As she picked it up from the ground her eyes fell across the street towards Kim's house. There appeared to be a lot of cars parked in front of it. Odd, she thought to herself. Maybe she's having a party? Since their last encounter before Thanksgiving, the two women hadn't spoken, so it was a possibility although Alyssa was sure that Callie, who was still friendly with the both of them would've mentioned it. Oh, well. None of my business, she decided as she tore her eyes away and headed back inside. She started to unpack her groceries and put them away in the kitchen when the phone rang loudly, making he jump.

            "Hello?" she breathlessly answered after she'd hurried to get it. She'd been in such a hurry she hadn't even checked the caller ID.

            "Where have you been?" Callie's frantic voice screamed over the other end of the line. "I've been trying to get you all day long! You weren't even answering your cell. You had me worried!"

            "Sorry," she apologized with a nervous laugh. "My battery was dead on my cell, so I had it charging and I was out all afternoon running errands. What's up? You sound really wired. Are the kids driving you crazy?"

            "No, they're at my Mom's." There was a pause and then a sigh from her friend's mouth. "I take it that you haven't heard yet about Ian then, huh?"

            "Ian?" Her breath caught in the throat at the mention of the name of Kim's husband and one of Sean's best friends. "No, what happened?" she asked, already feeling a sinking sensation in the pit of her stomach.

            There was silence on the other end of the line for a moment and then a sound that Alyssa could only picture as Callie moistening her lips as if she was about to deliver some bad news. "He's dead. His vehicle got bombed yesterday afternoon I guess."

            Alyssa gasped in shock. She'd almost expected Callie to deliver the tragic message, but hearing it made it all too real for her. Ian, such a handsome young man with so much yet to live for was gone. He couldn't have been more than twenty-seven. He had a wife and an infant son who he'd barely gotten to bond with. Now that poor child would grow up never knowing his birth father. It just simply wasn't fair that God had chosen to take him of all people. "Oh my God..." How's Kim taking it?" She may not like the woman very much, but at that moment all of their petty differences seemed to be pushed to the side. Alyssa could only feel sympathy for her neighbor and knew that now more than ever she was going to need all the support she could get. Besides, it could very well have been her husband that was killed and she knew that both women would be there for her under the circumstances.

            "Not good," Callie sadly reported. "She's a wreck as you'd probably expect. Her family and Ian's family are over there right now. She can barely take care of Gavin. She's in pretty bad shape."

            Alyssa sighed as she wandered over to her window and peered out across the street. I guess that explains all the cars, she thought to herself. "We should go over and see her. See if there's anything we can do for her. Maybe offer to watch Gavin for her or something."

            "I was just going to suggest the same thing. I'll be over at your house in like five minutes and we'll go over together."

            "Okay. Sounds good." Alyssa hung up the phone and stared blankly ahead for a moment the news still not sinking in that one of their own would not be returning back home with the rest of his fellow Marines. It very well easily could have been Steve... Or Sean. She'd forgotten to ask if Callie had heard anything about who else may have been involved in the incident or if she had heard from Steve. Come to think of it she hadn't heard from Sean in awhile... Her heart raced in panic and she found herself struggling to breathe.

            This was the position that Callie found her in when she arrived at the house a few minutes later. "Alyssa? Are you okay? What's the matter?" she asked, rushing to her side.

            Alyssa couldn't speak for a moment or two and when she finally did find her voice it cracked with tears. "That could've been Sean," she whispered. "I could be Kim right now."

            Callie looked at her sympathetically, obviously struggling with the same kind of guilt. "But it wasn't. It was Ian and the best thing that we can do right now is to be there for Kim and support her. Right now what she needs is her friends and we're going to do all we can to help her. I know how scary it is, believe me. I feel the same way about Steve, but we need to be strong for her." Seeing that her words were beginning to have a calming effect on Alyssa as her breathing began to return to normal, Callie grabbed her arm. "Come on, let's go see Kim."

**********

            Just as Callie had described, Kim was indeed an emotional wreck. The two women had headed directly across the street to her house and were greeted by a woman who looked to be in about her mid-fifties who introduced herself as Kim's mother. "She's upstairs in her room," she sadly explained. "She's been refusing to get out of bed since she's heard the news. She hasn't even seen Gavin. I think it's probably just too painful for her to look at him right now. It's so good of the two of you too stop by to see her. Maybe you can cheer her up a little bit."

            "We'll do our best," Callie promised, offering the woman a small sympathetic smile before moving past her and entering the doorway. Alyssa uncomfortably followed behind her through the hallway and up the staircase. Kim and Ian's bedroom was near the top of the stairs and Alyssa could already clearly hear the sound of muffled sobs as she reached the top of the landing. The bedroom door was not quite shut and a small sliver of light from the room spilled out on the carpet from where it was just slightly cracked open.

            The two women exchanged a worried glance, not at all sure what sight they'd be met with when they entered the room. Taking a deep breath, Callie took the lead and tentatively pushed the door open. "Kim? It's me Callie. Alyssa is here too with me. We wanted to stop by to see how you were doing."

            Alyssa followed Callie into the room hanging back a little shyly. She was never good in these situations. She never seemed to know what to say or how to act. Really there was nothing that could be said. Kim would only be able to get over losing Ian with time. All she could really do was listen.

            Kim looked up for the first time since they'd entered the room and Alyssa had to bite her lip not to gasp at her friend's ghastly appearance. Kim, who was never seen without makeup on her face or a hair out of place, was pale and tired looking. Her eyes were red rimmed and bloodshot with recent tears. At that moment she looked much older than her twenty-four years. Dark bags had formed underneath her eyes indicating that she probably hadn't slept a wink since hearing the news. She was dressed in ratty old sweats and a t-shirt that looked like it had belonged to Ian. Her hair was mussed and oily looking as if she hadn't washed it in a day or so. Her wedding album hung open on her lap, a smiling picture of her and Ian facing up at her. Alyssa couldn't help, but notice the fresh tearstains marking the plastic sleeves. "How do you think I'm doing? I just found out my husband just died. Why does everyone expect me to be okay with this?"

            "We don't expect you to be okay, Kim," Alyssa softly interrupted. "I want to say that I'm very sorry for your loss. Ian was a good man." Her voice choked up a little on the last sentence, but she swallowed the lump in her throat down. "We're just concerned about you. I know you probably must feel totally incomplete right now, but you still have a son that you need to take care of and be strong for."

            Kim just shook her head helplessly. "I can't be around Gavin right now. It's too painful. He reminds me so much of Ian..." She sighed. "What am I going to do without him? I mean I've been without him since July, but at least I knew he was coming home. Now he's not. I never thought that I'd be a widow at twenty-four. I can't do this on my own. How am I going to raise a child and provide for him all on my own?"

            "You'll do it," Callie confidently told her. "You'll get some kind of settlement from the government and that'll make at least the financial side of things a little easier for a while. As far as help taking care of Gavin and juggling the roles of both a mother and a father you have us to help you out. Plus your family and I'm sure Ian's family will want to be a part of Gavin's life."

            Alyssa nodded in agreement. "Of course. I mean I know we've had our differences lately, but if you ever need me to watch Gavin I'll do it in a heartbeat. In fact, if you want me to take him home with me until everything calms down a little I'd be more than happy too. I have the nursery and everything all set up. It'll be good practice for me."

            Kim exchanged a glance with Alyssa like she seemed to be considering the idea. The moment was tense and she could tell just by the expression on the younger woman's face that she wasn't completely relishing the idea of her son spending a few days with her. She's probably afraid that I'll expose him to something scandalous, Alyssa scoffed to herself, but quickly brushed the thought away. She was supposed to be supportive here. "That's okay. It wouldn't be fair to you. Thanks for the offer, but I think Ian's parents might take him for a few days. He seems to be the one thing that's holding them together."

            "Okay just thought I'd offer." Alyssa slid back a little bit feeling even more uncomfortable than before. Luckily Callie swooped in to the rescue.

            "Point is that you are going to get through this. I know that it sounds impossible to you right now, but you will once the time is right. You're so young still. You don't know what else is up ahead for you. Don't let yourself die with him. You need to keep on living."

            Kim just stared at her as if she'd suggested that she run into a crowded mall wielding a gun and shoot innocent people. "Are you honestly trying to tell me that I need to move on with my life and forget about Ian?"

            "No, of course not.  I just meant -"

            She didn't let Callie finish. "I've known Ian since I was a senior in high school. He was the first and only guy I've ever seriously loved. I did everything with him. I can't even fathom life with another man. How could you even suggest such a thing?"

            "All she was trying to say is not to count anyone out in the future," Alyssa tried to explain. "She's not telling you to run out and find someone else this very moment, but you are young and very attractive. If you wanted to you probably wouldn't have much trouble finding anyone is all."

            "Yea, I mean okay Steve and I were high school sweethearts, but we broke up for a year or so after high school and dated other people. Look at Alyssa... She's had other relationships before she met Sean. You may be surprised in who you meet," Callie explained.

            Alyssa felt a little guilty being referenced like that especially when in reality she completely contradicted Callie's example. Callie was trying to make the point that your first love isn't always the only love of your life, yet here she was secretly making plans to leave Sean to be with Nick, her first love. She tried though for the sake of the situation, to remain stoic and just nod in agreement with Callie even though it killed her to do so.

            "Yea..." Kim's eyes now flashed with self-pitying anger. "Because lot's of guys in their twenties are thrilled to meet a girl that not only has a kid, but is also already a widow. That's such a big turn on. Face it, my romantic life died the moment that Ian did."

            Callie and Alyssa exchanged uncomfortable glances and realized that it was probably for the best if they left. Kim obviously was in no mood to be comforted. Eventually she'd become so mentally and emotionally exhausted that she'd have to sleep. Taking her cue from Callie, Alyssa bent forward to give her friend a comforting hug. "We should let you try and get some rest. Remember give us a call if you need anything."

            "Anything at all," Callie chimed in. "Remember I'm right around the corner and Alyssa is right across the street."

            Kim just nodded and the two women silently left the room. They paused for a few minutes once they reached downstairs to update Kim's mother on her condition. Then they continued on their way out the door.

            It wasn't until they were halfway down the driveway that Callie snickered. "I know this is going to sound horrible, but that whole ‘my romantic life died when Ian died' line is bullshit. You know as soon as she's done grieving and things return somewhat back to normal she's not going to stay by herself. She's so young and there are tons of single guys her age out there. I know there's no way that I could go another possibly forty- fifty years without sex!"

            Alyssa laughed even though it was completely inappropriate. "Probably, but you know Kim. She's going to milk this for all its worth. But I still feel horrible for her."

            "Oh, me too. I can't stop thinking to myself how it could have been Steve. I mean at least Gavin is too young to ask questions about Ian. Carly and Rich on the other hand... How do you explain something like that to them?"

            "I dunno..." Alyssa shrugged honestly not having an answer. "But I've been thinking the same thing. What if it was Sean?"

            Callie looked at her sympathetically. "That would've been really hard too. I mean at least Ian was there to see Gavin when he was born. Not being able to ever see much less hold you own child is really tragic."

            "Yea..." Alyssa sighed and looked down at her feet now feeling even guiltier than ever. She felt frustrated tears burning her eyelids and glanced over at Callie discreetly. For a brief moment in time, Alyssa almost felt compelled to come clean to the other woman. To tell her the entire truth. To tell her that she was living a lie. But the moment flickered by faster than she could capture it and common sense kicked in. Who was she kidding? Callie probably wouldn't be as sympathetic to her as Teri and Tricia or Meg had been.

            So she bit her lip and kept silent, but that still did nothing to ease the immense amount of guilt that was eating away at her.

************

            "It was horrible. She was so bitter and depressed. And there I was, having to pat her on the back and assure her that everything was okay, but it's not okay. The poor thing just lost the one person she loves most in the world. And the saddest part of it all? She's not even twenty-five yet. Can you imagine?"

            It was the next evening and Alyssa was sprawled out on the couch of the condo in Nick's arms as she recounted her awkward visit the previous day with Kim. The two had managed to squeeze a little bit of time in for each other, but instead of ripping each others clothes off the moment they entered the door as they usually did, Alyssa had been much more subdued and reflective. Ian's death had obviously struck a little too close to home to her and Nick could tell that she needed to talk about it.

            "No, I can't," Nick truthfully admitted. His mind wandered back to himself at Kim's age. It was right around the time he'd been dating Paris and he'd bounced out of that relationship partying hard to ease his hurt emotions. He'd been such a child himself at twenty-four, so to imagine Kim now having to not only grieve for her deceased husband, but to raise an infant herself was crazy to him.

            "I mean I know we haven't exactly seen eye to eye on things lately and I said some really bitchy things about her, but I never would've wished this to happen to her in a million years. Ian was a nice guy. He was very good to Kim and he would've made a damn good father." Her eyes watered up and her fingers flew up to keep the tears from falling.

            Nick immediately noticed her start to cry and he grabbed her shoulders forcing her to turn around and look at him. "Hey, you can't blame yourself for this. You didn't do anything to cause this to happen."

            "I know," she sniffled. "But everything we've been fighting over just seems so petty now in retrospect."

            Nick stared at her carefully. He knew her well enough to see that behind her brown eyes there was something else that was bothering her about Ian's death that she was just too scared to admit to him. "Something else is bothering you. I can see it. You're not this upset because you and Kim have had a pretty crappy last couple of months."

            Alyssa sighed as she wiped her eyes. "I just can't help but to think that it could've been Sean."

            His back stiffened at the mention of her husband's name, but he knew that he had to remain calm and attentive. Of course he couldn't expect her to be completely heartless towards him. As little he felt anymore for Shayla, he wouldn't necessarily wish anything harmful to happen to her. "But it wasn't."

            "It could've though," she pointed out with more conviction in her voice. "I mean in a way it would be almost a relief because then I wouldn't have to do any kind of explaining to anybody. Sean would never know the truth about this baby. But on the other hand if he died I would somehow feel responsible. Like it was karma coming around to get me."

            Nick wasn't sure how to respond to that, so he stroked the top of her hair to indicate that he was still listening. "Just Ian's death made me realize just how easily everything could fall apart in the blink of an eye. Sean is over there right now going through hell and back and probably the only thing that keeps him going is returning home to me and who he thinks is his daughter. Meanwhile I'm here with you preparing to turn his whole world upside down. I'm a horrible person."

            "No, you're not Lyss. We're in this together, so if anything we're both horrible people. You can't take full blame of this," he tried to reassure her.

            "I'm more to blame than you. I'm the woman. I should know better. I just feel so guilty. I don't want to hurt him, but I don't see any other alternative. Plus, Kim losing Ian is going to make her reaction to me leaving Sean that much angrier. She's lost her husband and I'm just throwing mine away!"

            Nick frowned, unsure of what she was trying to get at. "Are you trying to tell me that you're having second thoughts about us?"

            Alyssa sighed obviously frustrated and confused with her feelings. "No, I didn't say that... I just hate this situation! I hate that Sean is halfway around the world and I have to let him go on believing that I'm still in love with him. I wish I could just divorce him already and be done with it! I wish that he'd come home soon, so that I don't have to keep living this double life. It's taking its toll on me."

            "Well, you still could always just tell him the truth over the phone or something," Nick gently suggested. "I know that's not the ideal way you pictured doing it, but if it's bothering you that much... It might actually be easier if you can't see his reaction. Might be safer too."

            She just shook her head. "I can't... I owe it to him to do it the right way, not the flaky, cowardly way. No, I'm just going to have to suck it up and wait it out."

            "Are you sure? You do realize that if you need me to I can back off a little, right? All you need to do is say the word."

            Alyssa looked up at him with a surprised glance. "You'd be okay with cooling things off for a little bit? "

            "Truthfully? No..." Nick honestly answered. "But I'd do it if you needed me to. We have all the time in the world to be together once you get everything you need to sorted out. I just don't want you having a breakdown or anything. And all this stress isn't good for the baby."

            Alyssa seemed thoughtful for a moment. "I'll have to think about it. Right now though I'm completely and utterly exhausted. This week is going to be tough. I'm going to have to miss at least one day of work for the funeral..."

            Nick placed a finger over her lips. "Don't stress about it. Just relax, okay?" He began to gently knead his fingers into her tense shoulders. "You're all in knots."

            "I know," she sighed, but closed her eyes and surrendered herself to his massage. It did feel good and she swore that she could practically feel the stress melting away. She needed to do exactly what Nick had suggested and relax. She could worry about Sean another day. He was completely right. Not only were these types of thoughts not good for the baby, but for her sanity as well.