Chapter 50 - Sick As My Secrets

            Not long after the nurse had injected her IV line with the sedative, as expected Alyssa fell into a deep slumber. She welcomed the sensation that sleep provided her with. At least when she was sleeping she couldn't reflect on the shocking news that Nick had just delivered. It was almost too much to process. She didn't want to believe that in an instant she'd just lost one of the few things that had been keeping her going these last few months. She'd done so much research and preparation in order to be a good mother, and it seemed cruel for fate to rob her of that chance when she was only weeks away from her due date.

            It felt good to be welcomed into a state of nothingness, but every so often she'd feel herself awakening up near the surface, usually just long enough to catch a glimpse of a visitor or one of the nurses standing over her, checking her vitals. Occasionally she'd even find herself in a moment of coherency, where she could understand what others were saying to her, but only for a minute or two before grogginess overtook her and forced her back down into sleep.

The first time she awoke, she found herself staring into Sean's concerned eyes, but before she could will herself to open her mouth he patted her hand and lightly shushed her. "Don't say anything," he instructed. "You've been through a lot these past few hours and I just want you to concentrate on getting better. Once you're stronger then we can talk about us, but for now it's more important that you take care of yourself." Before she could even nod her head to react, she felt herself drifting back towards sleep.

She awoke again, sometime in what she assumed to be the middle of the night, because the room was dark and her window shades were drawn. A nurse was standing over her injecting something into her IV. She really wanted to ask her for something to drink because her throat felt parched and dry, but fell back to sleep before she could form the words.

The next thing she remembered was opening her eyes surprised to find it not only morning again, but a very distraught looking Shayla pacing at her bedside. Am I dreaming this? she wondered. She had to be. Why would Shayla be there to see her? "I'm really sorry Alyssa," she heard her apologize. "I never meant for this to happen... You've got to believe me! One minute we were arguing and the next you were falling..." The younger woman sniffled as if she was trying to hold back tears. "I wanted to try and grab you, but I just didn't have time. It happened so fast!" Not having the energy or the brain power at the moment to try to understand Shayla's blubbering, Alyssa closed her eyes again.

Whatever sedative they had given her must've been wearing off, because when she awoke the next time, she finally felt awake and somewhat refreshed. This time she had enough energy to prop herself up in bed slightly just as she noticed Dr. Spencer entering the room.

"Good afternoon, Alyssa! It's nice to see you awake finally," the blonde doctor greeted her. "How are you feeling today?"

"I guess okay... I've been in and out of sleep all night and pretty groggy. I'm also pretty thirsty. And sore," she added.

Dr. Spencer just laughed a bit as she poured her a glass of water from the pitcher on her nightstand. "That's all normal. It was probably the sedatives that made you drift in and out of consciousness. And I'd definitely imagine that you'd be sore. Not only are you banged and bruised from your fall down those stairs, but you also just had a c-section early Friday morning."

"I did?" Alyssa asked as she accepted the glass from her doctor. For the first time she realized that outside of the fact that she had lost the baby and she'd fallen down the flight of stairs, she really had no clue what had really happened to her. Nick hadn't gotten into specific details with her. He'd mentioned something about a concussion and she'd noticed the cast on her right arm, but that was it.

Dr. Spencer nodded. "I heard that Nick told you about the baby, right?"                   

Now it was Alyssa's turn to sadly nod. "Yea... It's just so hard to accept that she's gone," she sniffled. "I keep thinking I'm going to wake up and I'm going to find out that this all a dream." She looked up at her doctor, half praying that she'd announce that the baby was after all delivered safely and was up in the neo-natal unit right now resting comfortably. Unfortunately, that explanation never came.

"It is hard," Dr. Spencer admitted. "But we really did all we could for her. You were in a very perilous situation, Alyssa. It could've been just as dangerous for you as it was for your baby. I don't mean to scare you, but when they brought you in you were hemorrhaging pretty badly. If we weren't able to stop it, you could've very easily bled to death."

Alyssa shuddered as she realized just how close she herself could've been to death. As much as she didn't want to talk about it, she knew that it was important for her to fully understand the situation she had been in, so that she could start to deal with it. "What exactly happened?" she tentatively asked.

"When you fell it caused your placenta to rupture entirely. You know of course that without the placenta intact there's no way for a baby to receive food and oxygen. The only thing we could do was to take the risk of delivering the baby early. The sooner we could get the baby out of the womb, the better its chances of survival," she explained. "Unfortunately, we just weren't quite fast enough. By the time we got to the baby it was too late..."

Alyssa was quiet for the moment not sure how she should react. She couldn't believe that she'd actually given birth and had no recollection of it at all. It blew her mind. Luckily before she could think of anything else to say, Dr. Spencer continued on. "Losing a child is a very traumatic experience for anyone and everyone deals with it in their own way. The good news is that I don't see any reason why you wouldn't be able to go on and have other successful pregnancies in the future. Some couples even find it helpful to start trying again right away."

Alyssa just shook her head. Trying again was not an option for her at this point. Hell, she wasn't even sure what was going on between her and Nick and her and Sean. Everything had seemed to be put on hold for the moment, but Alyssa knew that she was going to have to face both men soon enough. Trying to change the subject, before she got herself even more upset Alyssa gestured towards the cast on her wrist. "What about all this other stuff?"

"In addition to the baby you suffered a minor concussion, a broken wrist, and some cracked ribs," she went on to report. Ahh... So that was why it had hurt so much to sit up. "You were very lucky though. All three injuries could've been much worse. The ribs will heal in time, you'll just have to take it easy for the next month or so and you'll have to have the cast on for about four to six weeks, but after that you should be as good as new."

"How long until I'm out of here?" was her next question.

"It really depends on your progress. You seem to be a lot more alert today. We're going to try to get you back on to solid foods and walking around again. If you continue to progress I'd say we could have you out by maybe Tuesday at the earliest."

Alyssa nodded as she lay back against her pillows. "Thank you Doctor."

"I'll be in to check on you again in another few hours. Meanwhile we'll get the nurses to bring you something semi-solid to eat." Dr. Spencer turned on her heels and began to head towards the door, but then turned around and stopped. "You have a lot that you are dealing with right now. Sometimes it's helpful to talk to someone about it. If you'd like I could arrange to have someone from the psych department come up and speak with you?"

"No, that's not necessary," Alyssa quickly answered. The last thing she wanted to do right now is to unload her problems to some shrink. She'd much rather grieve on her own and privately. She didn't want to discuss it except maybe with Nick.

Dr. Spencer gave her small, sympathetic smile, but it did not push the matter. "If you change your mind, just let me know. The offer still stands."

Alyssa didn't answer. She just closed her eyes and pretended to fall back asleep. She couldn't deal with people feeling sorry for her right now. It must've worked because her doctor left the room leaving Alyssa with frustrated tears streaming down her cheeks. This time around though, she found that sleep was no longer a comfort. She simply could not sleep any longer.

**************

            Just as he'd promised, early that evening, Nick showed up in Alyssa's hospital room. "How are you feeling?" he greeted her. "Dr. Spencer says that you've been up and alert today." Getting no answer from her, he stepped further into the room to see Alyssa blankly staring into space, fresh tearstains on her cheeks. "Lyss, are you okay? Do you want me to get a nurse or something?"

            Alyssa slowly turned her head towards him, acknowledging his presence in the room for the first time. She ignored his question. Instead she asked him one of her own. "Do you know what the name Zoey means in Greek?" Without giving him a chance to answer she went ahead and told him. "Life... Pretty ironic that even with a name like that her life was ended before it even really began."

            Nick had to admit that he hadn't known the meaning behind Zoey's name and found the definition to be just as cryptic as Alyssa had. A chill ran through him as he made himself comfortable in the chair beside her bed. "That's a pretty freaky coincidence," he remarked.

            Alyssa just nodded her head. "Dr. Spencer told me everything. About the c-section and how my placenta had ruptured. She said that I could've bled out on them."

            Nick just sighed. "It was pretty scary," he admitted. "I was worried sick not only about the baby, but about you too."

            "It's not fair!" she cried. "Why did this have to happen to us? I can't believe I was so stupid to hold a conversation right at the top of the stairs. I shouldn't have even been wearing those ridiculous heels I had on. I was just asking for trouble. You must hate me."

            "I can't hate you, Lyss. As much as I wanted to pin the blame on someone else at first, this is just as much my fault as it is yours." He looked away, almost embarrassed. "If I hadn't acted like such a testosterone fueled, hot headed man with Sean, you'd never have been so upset in the first place. I should've handled things with him better."

            "This is our punishment, isn't it?" she asked, almost completely out of the blue.

            Nick frowned. "Punishment? Lyss, I'm not sure I understand you."

            "Our punishment for being together! The only reason I probably became pregnant in the first place was for someone to teach us a lesson! We were wrong in cheating on both Shayla and Sean, but we did it anyway because it felt good. Now we've lost the one precious thing that was holding us together. It's karma," she tried to explain even though it seemed to her own ears like she was babbling incoherently.

            "You can't think like that Lyss," he tried to argue with her.

            "But it's true! This wouldn't have happened if we were a proper couple!" she insisted. "I wouldn't have had to sneak out to attend your party, Sean wouldn't have shown up and caused a scene, I wouldn't have gotten so upset, and Shayla and I wouldn't have gotten into in it on top of the stairs." She ticked off each chain of event with her fingers. "See? I never would've fallen and then Zoey would still be alive."

            Nick just stared at her pitifully. It was easy to see where she was coming from, but he couldn't allow himself to think that way. At least one of them had to be the strong one, even if it was only on the outside.

            "I've decided that I'm going to tell Sean the truth tomorrow morning," she announced. "The whole truth. I'm sick of lying. It hasn't done me one bit of good."

            "Everything? Even about how he can't have children?" Nick asked warily.

            Alyssa nodded. "I want it all out in the open. No more secrets. I'm sick of it!"

            "Are you sure that's the best idea?" He gently stroked the top of her hand. "I thought you said that you were afraid to tell him because of how he'd react?"

            She just rolled her eyes. "He can't do anything to me in a hospital bed. All I have to do is press the call button and I'll have a team of nurses in my room within a minute flat. It's actually probably the safest scenario."

            Nick sighed although he had to admit that she had a point there. "Do you want me to be there when you tell him?"

            Alyssa shook her head. "I appreciate the offer, but it's probably for the best if I just tell him on my own. Where he can't go after me, there's nothing stopping him going after you. I just think it's for the best if I handle this."

            Nick nodded in agreement. "Fair enough. So, after you talk to him, it'll finally be all settled. I'll speak with my attorney, so that we can start discussing divorce proceedings for Shayla and I. Meanwhile, I can start moving stuff in the condo, so by the time you're released, we'll be good to go."

            "Whoa... Hold up... What do you mean, ‘we'll be good to go,' Nick?" Alyssa held up a hand to cut him off and looked at him curiously. "Don't you think you're moving just a tad bit too fast here?"

            Nick's stomach plummeted as he realized that he and Alyssa weren't exactly on the same page when it came it cam down to how quickly they should pursue a relationship together. "Well, that was the plan, right?" he nervously asked, chewing on his lip. "You come clean to Sean, ask for a divorce, I divorce Shayla, and then we move in with each other. I mean I know things have changed in the past few days at all, but I don't see why we have to change our plans. We can finally be together and not have to hide anything anymore. Isn't that what you wanted?"

            "I can't believe you," she told him, her voice rising in disbelief. "I just lost our baby and all you can care about right now is going through with a set of plans that we made months ago? Things were completely different back then! Now, I'm not sure what I want! I can barely deal with losing Zoey right now... I can't keep adding shit to my plate."

            "You're not the only one who lost Zoey," he reminded her. "I did too and I know it might not seem that way, but I'm hurting too. We can help each other through this, Lyss..."

            Alyssa shook her head and crossed her arms over her chest. "I don't know about that Nick... I have so much that I know I need to figure out and deal with before I can even think about jumping into a relationship. I just don't think this is the right time."

            Nick sighed, not being able to believe the sudden change in Alyssa's attitude. It has to be that she's just overwhelmed and emotional right now. She'll come around, he tried to tell himself. The best thing for both of them would be to end the conversation for now and pick it back up at a later time when Alyssa was feeling more up to it. "We don't have to reach any decisions just yet. I know that you're upset right now and you're feeling a little lost, but I just want you to think about it, okay? Clear things up with Sean first and in the meantime I'm going to talk to Shayla."

            "I don't want this to get out farther than just friends and family right now," she warned him. "I don't want to have to deal with all this coming out in the media, especially right now.

            "I'll make sure Shayla keeps her mouth closed," he promised as he bent down to drop a light kiss on her cheek. "Why don't you get some rest? You're going to need it for tomorrow. I'll see you then."

            Alyssa just nodded as she lay back against her pillows. "I'm sorry if I was a bitch to you."

            "It's okay," he assured her. "You're going through a lot, so I can forgive you. Think about what I said." Before she could reply back he was out the door, already heading down the hallway at a brisk pace, He had some business of his own to attend to at home.

*************

            For the first time since the night of Alyssa's accident, Nick arrived back at his home with the intention of doing more than just grabbing a shower and a change of clothes. As soon as he walked in the front door he could already feel his nerves eating away at him, but he knew that this was something that he had to do. Even if he hadn't had his earlier conversation with Alyssa, he'd have to face Shayla sooner or later and for the first time in months he finally realized what he needed to do about their marriage. Getting a sudden burst of confidence he made his way further into the house, searching for Shayla. He knew that she was at home because her car was parked in the driveway.

            He didn't have to look very far to find her. By the time he reached the living room Shayla popped out from the kitchen. Has she actually been cooking? he wondered as he caught sight of her drying her hands with a dish towel. "Nick... It's nice to see you home," she greeted him with a hug. "How's Alyssa doing?"

            Nick just shrugged. "As good as can be expected. I mean she just found out she lost her daughter in some stupid, freak accident that she can hardly remember, along with a few other injuries. She's pretty upset and emotional right now, but can you really blame her?"

            "So, she doesn't remember anything about the fall?" Shayla asked, sounding almost anxious. Why is she so interested? Nick wondered as he narrowed his eyes suspiciously at her.

            "No, she doesn't," he honestly answered her. "But maybe you can enlighten me? What were the two of you talking about upstairs before she fell? Must've been something pretty upsetting..."

            Shayla's eyes widened a little in surprise at his suspicion. ""I didn't push her down the stairs if that's what you are trying to imply," she shakily replied. "I don't know why you would even think that I would do something like that. That really hurts Nick." Okay, so it was a complete lie. She had pushed Alyssa, but it hadn't been like that. It wasn't the least bit premeditated. But she knew that Nick would certainly not buy that one. It was scaring her enough already that he seemed to be stumbling so close to the truth. Or maybe she was just paranoid as a result of a guilty conscience. "For the five millionth time... She slipped and I went to grab her, but I just couldn't get to her in time."

            Nick raised his eyebrows in her direction giving her the impression that perhaps she'd already said too much. "I'm not accusing you of anything," he innocently replied. "Who said that I thought you pushed her? I just want to know why you insisted on talking to her alone is all."

            Shayla sighed as she realized that there was no more use in holding back what she already knew. She'd already alluded to the fact that she knew about his affair with Alyssa after he had found out about the baby, but had told him that they could discuss it at a another time and another place. Well, the time and the place seemed to be upon them now and there was no more stalling that could be done. They were finally going to have to get into the truth. "We need to talk," she announced as she moved into the living room and collapsed on the couch behind her. She patted the area next to her, signaling Nick to come join her.

            Nick just nodded and sat down beside her, making himself as comfortable as he could for such an uncomfortable conversation. Before he could even open up his mouth to open up the discussion, Shayla had already begun. "I know everything that has been going on between you and Alyssa. It's not really important how I found out, but I did. Let's just say I finally figured it out on my own and leave it at that."

            She stopped there to give Nick the opening to defend himself, but surprisingly he remained absolutely quiet. "You don't even have anything to say for yourself?" she asked incredulously after a minute or so of silence. "You're not going to try to give me any kind of explanation?"

Nick just shrugged. "What's there to say Shayla? I'm not going to lie or make excuses for what I've done. I'm not going to deny it because right now it seems pretty pointless. Everything is going to come out now anyway. Sean already knows that I've been seeing Alyssa while he was gone. There's no sense in hiding it any longer."

            Shayla was taken back by her husband's completely unapologetic attitude towards the whole affair. That wasn't at all how she had anticipated him to react and it baffled her a bit. Maybe it was time to take it a step further. "I also know about the baby. It's yours, not Sean's. I saw the sonogram picture in your wallet. It fell off the dresser and the picture fell out. "

            Nick's face darkened. "It was mine. Doesn't matter whose it was anymore."

That's when Shayla began to crack. Nick seemed like he just could care less how she reacted. He didn't seem at all sorry or ashamed for what he had done. She could feel tears brimming behind her eyelids. "You really don't care, do you?"

            Again he shrugged. "Like I said it's pretty much all out in the open now. There's no sense fighting it." He briefly paused. "So, let me guess? You wanted to talk to Alyssa in private to confront her about the truth?"

            "Something like that..." Shayla turned her head away from him so that he couldn't see the tears beginning to fall down her cheeks and braced herself for the impending explosion that was sure to happen. She wasn't disappointed.

            "Dammit, Shayla!" Nick cried, pounding his fist against the arm of the couch. "Why would you do something like that? Why didn't you just come to me first? She was already upset and vulnerable and you completely took advantage of the situation! You probably said something to upset her which caused her not to pay attention to where she was going and trip! You probably may as well have pushed her!"

            His words stung her and forced her to whirl her head around not caring if he saw her with a face full of tears. "Because if I came to you first, you wouldn't have told me the truth! The only reason that you're so open about it now is because of everything that just happened. If Alyssa hadn't fallen and if Sean was still clueless about the two of you, it would still be under wraps, wouldn't it?"

            Nick shook his head. "You're wrong... You don't even know what me and Alyssa's plans were! If you want to know the truth, Alyssa was about to tell Sean the truth about us anyway and as soon as she did we were both going to file for divorce!"

            Shayla's jaw dropped once she processed what he had just said. "You were going to divorce me?" she shakily asked. "Was that your plan all along?"

            "Not all along," he admitted. "Shayla, you have to admit that things between us haven't been completely right for almost a year now. This isn't working out."

            Still Shayla stubbornly shook her head. "You're just giving up too easy! We can fix this! I'm willing to forgive you. We can try marriage counseling or something. You can't just give up on us!"

            Nick ignored her desperate pleas, and in a moment of clarity he stood up knowing exactly what he needed to do. He looked down at her giving her an almost pitying look. ""I'm sorry Shayla, but we're over... No amount of marriage counseling is going to change the fact that I'm just not in love with you anymore. I hate to sound cold, but that's the truth. Right now, I have bigger things on my mind then you and me. I just lost my daughter and I've barely had any time to start working through that. The only person who can possibly understand what I'm going through right now is Alyssa."

            "So, what are you trying to say? That you're going to run off and go be with her now?" she cried, her voice rising with panic.

            Nick shook his head. "I'm not sure... It's a little too soon to say. Alyssa's got shit she needs to figure out first and so do I." He took a deep breath before making his announcement, a little voice of encouragement ringing through his head. "I'm moving out."

            "What?" Shayla gasped in surprise. "Nick, you can't do that to me. I love you! You can't end things like this!"

            "I can and I'm going to," he confidently replied. "Sorry Shayla, but this is it. I'm going upstairs and packing my shit."

            Shayla shook her head in disbelief. "No, it's not," she insisted, sounding close to tears. "You'll be back! Just like the last time. When Alyssa rejects you, you'll come crawling back to me again. You're not going to divorce me. You don't have the guts to!"

            Nick turned back around to face her. "I don't?" he innocently asked.

            "Nope," she stubbornly answered. "If you did, you'd have done it months ago. You're a coward! You're nothing without me! If this comes out in the media, you're going to come out looking like the bad guy, not me. So go ahead and leave!"

            He glared at her for a moment knowing Shayla well enough to know that her threats were empty. She'd say anything out of desperation to get him to stay. Hell, this was the same woman after all who had faked a pregnancy to get him to stay with her. He knew that Shayla was looking for a fight if nothing else and he refused to give it to her. "You're right. I'm not going to divorce you, or at least not yet, but for one reason and one reason only. Alyssa. She's going through a lot of emotional shit right now and I'm not about to drag her into some media scandal which I'm sure is what you'll turn this into. So for now, no I'm not making any rash moves until I know she's ready. But I wouldn't get my hopes up about me returning either."

            Before she could say another word, he walked away and headed up the stairs to their bedroom, locking the door behind him. He grabbed a large suitcase out of his closet and began to cram as much as he could into it. He'd definitely have to make another trip back here later, but this was definitely enough to get him through at least a few days. He wasn't sure where he was going this time. The condo was out because he had a feeling that after Alyssa spoke with Sean, she was going to need a place to stay herself and the least he could do was to offer up the condo to her. She'd made it quite clear that she didn't want the two of them staying together just yet, and under the circumstances Nick had no choice but to follow her wishes. He'd been spending the past few days crashing in the guestroom at Howie's house which is where he assumed he'd probably hang around for at least the next few weeks until Alyssa got her head on straight. He'd rather be around his friends at a time like this than holed up in a hotel suite by himself anyway.

            He finished his packing and zipped up his suitcase. He picked it up off the bed and headed to his office to pack up his laptop and other necessities. Once he was sure he had everything that he would need for at least a week or so he headed back down the stairs. As expected, Shayla was waiting at the foot of the stairs, her eyes brimming with tears and looking up at him pleadingly. "Please don't do this Nick," she begged. "Don't leave me!"

            Nick just ignored her as he continued out the front door for good this time. Her words did not bother him. By now he'd heard it all before anyway.