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Author's Chapter Notes:

Alyssa seeks the help of a therapist.

 

Chapter 53 - One Step at a Time

 

            Ever since that day that Nick had showed up at the condo and literally forced Alyssa out of bed, there had been a slight improvement in her attitude. Of course she wasn't completely back to being her normal, bubbly self, but she was at least getting out of bed for a few hours each day. She still had a long way to go, but Izzy seemed relieved to at least see her come this far as small of a baby step as it was. Alyssa began to finally start to care about her appearance again; everyday forcing herself into the shower and to change into fresh clothes even though some days she didn't feel like it was worth it. She started to finally accept phone calls. She talked to her sisters and her parents, which was difficult for her, but thankfully enough they did not press her to talk about the baby. Instead they seemed more concerned with how she was doing mentally and physically. Izzy must've warned them not to bring it up. She even spoke to Donna, her classroom TA to find out how her class was adapting to her sub. Donna had assured her that the woman that they had hired to take over for her while she recovered seemed to know what she was doing and had good control of the students. Thankfully, Alyssa had done much of her future planning ahead of time, so she did have enough lesson plans to last at least until the end of April. Right now, Alyssa couldn't be sure if she'd be returning or not by the end of the school year. Originally, she hadn't planned on going out on maternity leave until the beginning of March and had planned on coming back the end of May, or beginning of June. She'd need at least another six weeks or so to completely recover and then she wasn't sure if she could handle coming back to school just yet. She still had a lot of things to take care of to get herself back on track and it might be better if she did put off work again until next September.

 

            But of course not everyday after that was a good one. She did have her setbacks. She still did sleep a lot, but sometimes her body definitely did need it. Doing simple things seemed to drain her. It surprised her out of shape she'd gotten in such a little time. Then of course there were reminders of everything that she was trying so hard to leave behind. For instance, when the day before Valentine's Day she ironically enough received the divorce papers that Sean had promised her were coming. "Happy fucking Valentine's Day to me," she'd muttered as she signed the papers willingly. There really wasn't anything of Sean's she wanted and the terms that he had drawn up were fair. It seemed that he wanted as much of a clean break from her as she wanted from him. With no reason to contest anything, all Alyssa needed to do was wait six months for it to become official and she'd once again be considered a single woman.

 

            After signing the papers that entire day and into the next, she'd been sullen and irritable. It wasn't the fact that she was depressed that Sean was officially out of her life because their marriage had seemed to be over months ago. It was more of the fact that it was a reminder of just how much she had messed up, plus it being so close to Valentine's Day, such a romantic holiday drove a knife through her heart. She'd always hated the holiday... There had been few years where she'd actually had someone special in her life to celebrate it with. Most of the time she'd spent it crying on the couch, feeling miserable in her younger teenage years or later on between her relationships with Nick and Sean, trying to spend the holiday with single friends. This year though it seemed like she was going to spend it alone. After spending almost two weeks with Alyssa, Izzy had been itching to get home to spend some quality time with Tristan. Izzy had tried to convince her to call Nick and invite him over to at least watch a movie with her, but Alyssa had relented. They hadn't talked again since that day she had wound up crying in his arms. She knew that Nick was only trying to give her space and if she called him, he would be over in a heartbeat, but for some strange reason she felt very shy about it. It had almost regressed to that awkward point when they had first been dating.

                                                                                                                          

            So that was why when she heard the doorbell to the condo ring, she almost jumped a mile. She looked down at her rumpled appearance. Lately she'd been sticking to a pretty strict wardrobe of baggy sweats and oversized t-shirts and hoodies. Most of her maternity clothes were now too big, but her normal clothes were too small, so sweats were the most comfortable. She sat there frozen for a second not sure if she should answer or not. Who would be stopping by tonight to see her? The door bell rang a second time and she realized that whoever who was at the door was not giving up. With a sigh, she pulled herself off the couch and headed towards the door.

 

            She almost gasped in shock to find Nick standing there on her porch. Not only was he dressed up, but he was holding a bouquet of red roses in his hand. "What are you doing here?" she asked.

 

            "Hello to you too," he greeted, trying not to laugh. "I thought that with it being Valentine's Day and you being all alone tonight that we could do something special to celebrate." He immediately noticed the hesitation in her face and continued to speak. "That is celebrate with no pressure. We don't have to do all that couple stuff if you don't want to, so don't sweat that. I'd be happy with just taking you out to dinner, so we can talk a little bit."

 

            Alyssa still stood there hesitating. She knew that it was inevitable that she and Nick would have to talk again eventually, but she was still almost dreading the moment. Then there was the fact that she had yet to leave the condo since she had returned home from the hospital. She was now feeling well enough that she knew that she'd be able to at least go out long enough to grab a bite to eat, but just the idea of stepping out into the outside world and surrounding herself with other human beings terrified her. "I don't know Nick..." she began. "I'm not sure if I'm up to going out just yet. It's so soon."

 

            "It's been two weeks," he pointed out. "You can't stay in here for the rest of your life, Lyss. You're going to have to leave sooner or later. We won't be gone for long. We'll just grab dinner at a nice place and come right home, I promise."

 

            Alyssa looked down at her rumpled appearance, feeling very much like Cinderella before she got ready for the ball. "I'm not at all ready to go out," she argued. "I mean I look like a mess. I'd need to shower and then find something to wear... Nothing fits."

 

            "Go ahead." Nick sat down on the couch and made himself comfortable. "Do what you need to do to get gorgeous. I figured I'd catch you off guard, so we have about two hours before our reservation. I'll entertain myself while you get ready."

 

            Alyssa's mouth gaped open. "You rat! You planned this! You had dinner reservations planned in advance?"

 

            He just nodded a familiar grin lighting up his face. "Well, I wasn't taking no for am answer. Now don't just stand there. Start getting ready! We only have two hours."

 

            Realizing that there was no way out of the situation; Alyssa sighed and headed right towards the direction of the bathroom. She'd shower first and then try to find something suitable to wear. She stripped off her sweatpants and hooded sweatshirt, wrapped a plastic garbage bag around her wrist to keep her cast dry, and stepped under the spray of the showerhead. She showered as quickly as she could with pretty much the use of only one hand. When she got out, she scrunched some mousse into her wet hair deciding to wear it curly rather than waste the time even trying to fight with a blow dryer. She wrapped a towel around herself and then continued across the hall to her bedroom to look for something to wear.

 

            She looked around her room helplessly for a few minutes. She assumed that wherever Nick was taking her would probably be at least semi-dressy, so it had to look nice, but Alyssa had yet to drop much of her baby weight and was not feeling particularly confident in her body at the moment. She thumbed through her closet, occasionally pulling out a dress and then wrinkling her nose up in disgust at it. Everything was either too small or obviously maternity wear. She was just about to give up when she picked up a loose fitting purple and black sundress. She'd bought it before she'd gotten pregnant, but once she had gotten home was unimpressed with the way it just seemed to hang on her. She'd planned on returning it, but had forgotten about it until now. It was just loose enough to the point where it might still fit her and still manage to hide the fact that she was packing some extra weight.

 

            Thankfully when she put the dress on, it fit well enough for her to get away with it. She paired it with a pair of low heel black sandals and even felt inspired enough to throw on a little bit of makeup, which she hadn't used in weeks. When she was done getting ready and looked at herself in the mirror, she had to admit that even she was surprised to see that she looked better than she had in over two weeks. By accepting Nick's invitation to dinner, she realized what a giant step she was taking towards moving on after losing Zoey. In a way it scared her, but in another way she almost felt proud of herself, knowing that deep down she was taking one baby step in the right direction.

 

            She grabbed her purse and headed back out to the living room where she was greeted by Nick whistling at her appreciatively. "I was beginning to forget that you actually look pretty good when you get all cleaned up," he joked.

 

            Alyssa felt her cheeks heat up as he admired her appearance, almost feeling self conscious under his gaze. "No, I don't," she mumbled. "I look like crap. I still feel like a whale... okay maybe I'm down to a cow. I-"

 

            "You're beautiful," he simply told her, cutting her off as he stood up from his position on the couch. "Now if you're ready we better get going. We still have to get there and I don't want to lose our reservation."

           

            Alyssa just nodded and followed him out the door. She was feeling both apprehensive and a little scared to leave the safety of the condo's walls, but she knew that it was something that needed to be done. She just hoped that dinner would be painless and relaxed, although she knew that was probably asking for too much. She'd have to confront her grief head on sooner or later and she had a feeling that was going to start tonight.

 

***********

            Nick wound up ironically enough taking her to the same restaurant he'd taken her a few months earlier on that first night that they had wound up back at his place afterwards. Although they hadn't exactly had sex that night, Alyssa still considered that to be the birthplace of their entire affair. It was at that point that she'd first realized that she was in way over her head with him and couldn't just walk away anymore. She'd wondered if he planned it this way on purpose. He probably had.

 

            Unlike their last meal at this place, the restaurant was crowded with other couples who were out celebrating their relationships for Valentine's Day. It was just crowded enough where they could almost fade completely into the background and go relatively unnoticed. Everyone else in the room seemed to be too engrossed in their dates to notice anyone else anyway. Their conversation on the way to the restaurant had been polite, but stilted as if they both seemed to be dancing around the larger issues that they would've liked to discuss. After they had arrived, they'd ordered their food and continued their awkward conversation. Thankfully enough Nick had ordered them a bottle of wine which was one of the few things that was making the whole ordeal somewhat bearable for Alyssa. By the time their meal had arrived, she had only drunk about a glass and a half, but she was already beginning to feel slightly more relaxed. She hadn't drunk since the night that Zoey had been conceived, so it was definitely hitting her quickly.

 

            "How's your dinner?" Nick politely asked her, interrupting the awkward silence that had passed over the two of them.

 

            "Oh, it's good," she answered. "Yours?"

 

            "Delicious."

 

            "That's good..." Her voice trailed off and they found themselves again right back where they were in awkward silence. Was this going to be the way it was going to be between them from now on? You'd never have guessed that they'd been so completely in love only a few weeks earlier.

 

            Nick seemed to be thinking the same thing because finally growing frustrated he sighed, pushing his only half eaten plate away. "We need to talk Alyssa. We can't keep doing this and pretending like nothing ever happened. We need to talk about things."

 

            "Things?" she nervously squeaked out as she reached out for her wine glass and took a long sip. She knew damn well what those ‘things' were of course and she had to admit that Nick did have a point, but couldn't he just allow her to enjoy her first night out on the town since her surgery without any painful reminders?

 

            "Yes, things." He shot her a glaring look, but then his eyes softened in concern. "How are you doing Lyss? Really... I've been worried about you lately. I don't like seeing you so depressed. Lately it just seems like you've checked out on life. I mean I know that I've been harsh on you lately, but only because I love you and I can't stand to see you do this stuff to yourself. We've both already lost Zoey... I'd hate to lose you too. You need to start dealing with all of this or else you're never going to be able to move on."

            Alyssa sighed as she looked away now realizing that it was too late to avoid the conversation anymore. "I know," she quietly replied. "I realized that the day that you came over and practically pulled me out of bed. I suppose I have been a little selfish, but it's really hard. I mean I carried this life in me for months now and in the span of only a few short seconds she was gone, and I have no one to blame but myself. I shouldn't have been standing so close to those stairs. I should have been more careful. Maybe if I had she'd still be alive now. So you see, it's all my fault." She grabbed her napkin and reached up to dab the tears that were now beginning to well up in her eyes.

 

            Nick reached over the table to grab her hands reassuringly as he shook his head. "It's not your fault Lyss. I admit that when I first heard the news my first reaction was to pin the blame on everyone and everybody that I could; Sean, Shayla, Teri, Tricia, God... Then after I thought about it longer I realized that I wasn't innocent either. I was the one that sent you back inside in the first place. If I had just handled things more maturely with Sean, you wouldn't have been so upset in the first place and you wouldn't have even been upstairs at all. So, if you want to play the blame game, blame me."

 

            Alyssa looked up surprised at his admission. "I don't blame you Nick. How could I? Sean never would've been there in the first place if I hadn't lied to him."

 

            "I think that we both have a lot of things to feel guilty about. We got ourselves into this mess, and who knows? Maybe it is karma coming around to teach us a lesson. We can't just give up though. We need to learn to try to move past this and grow stronger together because of it. We can't do that if you keep blaming yourself."

 

            She narrowed her eyes at him and his suggestion. "It's not that easy Nick. It's hard to just stop blaming myself. I mean I've been making progress. Hell, I'm out here with you tonight aren't I? But I just can't see things going magically back to the way they were before the accident. There's no way."

 

            "I understand all that," Nick told her in a sympathetic voice. "I don't expect it to happen all by itself or even on your own." He paused nervously and licked his lips. "I've been thinking... I think that maybe it might be helpful for you to talk to someone. Like a therapist or something. They can help you sort out all your feelings and help you get your life back on track."

                                                                                                      

            Alyssa stared at him skeptically. "A therapist? You want me to tell my innermost thoughts to a perfect stranger? Not only do I have major trust issues about that, but the last year or so of my life has been like one big scandal. I don't want to deal with someone judging me based on the decisions I've made. I'm paying enough as it is for them. I really don't think it would help."

 

            "You'd be surprised. I used to think the same way, but then once I actually let my guard down enough to give it a try I realized just how helpful it was to have someone to help you sort out your issues," he explained.

 

            Her eyebrows rose in surprise. "You mean that you've been seeing a therapist?"

 

            Nick's face flushed a little in embarrassment. "Well, I used to. When we were filming House of Carters my siblings and I had some group therapy sessions. They were actually really insightful and made me realize a lot of things that I hadn't before. Afterwards I continued to go on my own for a little bit. Now I go less frequently, but whenever I feel the need to talk to someone I stop in for an appointment. It really does help Alyssa."

 

            Alyssa seemed to be considering what he had been saying because she looked to be deep in thought. Finally she spoke, breaking the awkward silence. "I never knew that you were seeing a therapist... Have you gone recently? Like since we've lost Zoey?"

                                                                                    

            Nick shook his head truthfully. "No, I haven't, but I think that one of the reasons why I didn't feel the need to go was because over time and throughout my sessions I learned how to cope with these kinds of things. I'm not saying that it has been easy for me at all, but I think that because of therapy I was better equipped to deal with situations like this if that makes sense. It's helped me out a lot and I think it could help you too Lyss. If you want we can even do it together if you're scared."

 

            Alyssa contemplated his suggestion for a few more moments. Nick's confession had surprised her although it definitely did help explain the changes that she had noticed in him since she'd moved out to California. It did make sense what he was saying, but she wasn't sure if she was strong enough to take that step just yet. "Dr. Spencer suggested I talk to someone too you know. She even gave me a referral to a woman who has treated some of her other patients."

 

            "So why don't you give her a call? Make an appointment to at least meet her. You don't have to tell her anything personal right away. Just talk to her for a little bit and see if you feel comfortable," Nick gently coaxed. "At least give it a chance. It can't hurt, right? And it'll get you out of the house for a bit. Like I said, I'll go with you if you want."

 

            She shook her head stubbornly. "No... I appreciate you offering, but this is something that I think I need to do on my own. I obviously have some issues that I need to work out by myself before I can even consider things going back to the way they were before the accident. This is something that you can't do for me; I have to do it for myself."

 

            "So, does that mean you'll do it? You'll at least give therapy a try?" he asked.

 

            Alyssa bit her lip. "It means I'll think about it," she cautiously replied. "I'm not going to make any promises right off the bat. Let's just say I'm beginning to warm up to the idea, but I'm not quite there yet."

 

            Nick warmly smiled. "It's not a yes, but it's a step in the right direction. I'll take it." He squeezed her hand in his. "I'm proud of you. I think that you're finally on your way."

 

            Alyssa returned the smile, but felt anything, but pride in herself. She wasn't looking to celebrate any small victories yet. She knew that this was just a baby step in her recovery. There were much harder hurdles she'd have to cross before she could really go back to the way things were.

 

*************

 

            It took Alyssa another whole week of weighing out the pros and cons of seeking out the help of a therapist until she finally summoned up the courage to call the number on the business card that Dr. Spencer had provided her with. After she had called it took another week on top of that to secure an appointment, so it wasn't until almost the end of February that she found herself sitting in the office of Julia Philips, the therapist that she had been referred to. Julia turned out to be a friendly looking woman in about her mid forties with brown highlighted hair and smart looking black glasses. As soon as Alyssa took a seat in her office, she'd immediately greeted her with a warm, comforting smile as she walked over to take her hand. "I'm Julia," she introduced. "And you must be Alyssa, right?"

 

            Alyssa just nervously nodded her head sure that Julia could feel the obvious tension in her handshake. "I was referred to you by my OB/GYN," she softly explained.

 

            "Yes... Regina Spencer is a close friend of mine. I see a lot of her patients for a variety of different reasons. Everything from post partum depression, to dealing with a child who has been born with special needs." She noticed the way that Alyssa's back seemed to stiffen and gave her a reassuring look. "Would you like anything to drink? Coffee? Tea? Water?"

 

            "Uhhm... A water would be good," she answered a little uncomfortably.

 

            Julia nodded and headed towards a water cooler that was sitting in the corner of her office and proceeded to pour Alyssa's serving into a paper cup. "You look a little tense over there," she casually observed. "There's no reason to feel uncomfortable or uptight here. I can assure you that everything we talk about will be held in strict confidence. I promise that I am not going to judge you or form any sort of negative opinion about you based on whatever you say to me. I'm just here to listen and to help you sort through your emotions. Occasionally I may make a suggestion or two, but in the end it is your ultimate decision to take whatever you feel is most helpful from each session."

 

            Alyssa looked up at her wide eyed as the woman handed her the cup of water. "How did you know that was what I was thinking?"

 

            Julia just laughed. "I'm very good at reading people, plus I can assure you that the fears that you probably have are the very same fears that most people have during their first session. Nobody wants to be judged and I understand how difficult it can be to talk about things that bother us. Everyone moves at their own pace. For some people it takes longer than others to open up about our feelings. I just need you to feel comfortable here and with me because otherwise we're never going to accomplish anything."

 

            Alyssa just slowly nodded. "That makes sense..."

 

            "So..." Julia began, making herself comfortable in a chair across from Alyssa. "Regina tells me that you just had a very unfortunate accident which caused you to lose the daughter that you were carrying. That must have been very difficult for you. How long ago has this been?"

 

            "Almost a month now," she cooperatively responded. "I was at a friend's birthday party talking near the stairs with his wife and I guess I lost my balance and fell." As of right now she decided to keep her love life out of the equation and just discuss Zoey until she felt more comfortable around Julia. Even though Julia had assured her that she would remain non- biased, Alyssa still was a little wary admitting her affair with Nick to a perfect stranger. She had to admit that it did sort of seem like something out of an episode of Days of Our Life or something. "Apparently when I fell, my placenta ruptured and they had to perform an emergency c-section. It was a race against time and the doctors just couldn't get to her quickly enough. She wound up being a stillborn."

 

            Julia's face filled with sympathy. "I'm very sorry to hear that. That had to be devastating for you as a mother. Was this your first?"

 

            Alyssa nodded. "Yes it was. I'd been trying to get pregnant for a really long time and then to have it end up like the way it had was really hard for me to deal with. For a while there I pushed away all my friends and family and I became pretty self absorbed in my own grief. I kind of cut myself off of reality for a bit. When I came home from the hospital I think I shut myself away in my bedroom for almost a week straight. It wasn't until a friend of mine really forced me to open my eyes and realize what I was doing to myself was completely unhealthy and counterproductive to my recovery."

 

            "Well, that's great that someone cared enough to make you see that. What about your husband? How did he handle the loss?" Alyssa's face paled a little and Julia quickly backed off realizing that it might be a subject that she wasn't prepared to discuss just yet. "I'm sorry... That was presumptuous for me to ask. I mean I don't even know if you have a husband or not or if you even have any relationship to the baby's father."

 

            "My husband and I are in the process of a divorce," Alyssa finally answered honestly. "I just signed the papers about two weeks ago. We're just waiting for it to become official now."

 

            "That must make this whole process a hundred times more difficult for you then, right? I don't mean to pry, but does this have anything with you losing the baby? Many couples struggle to reconnect after a loss like this. They wind up blaming themselves and each other and it's very hard for them to work together to overcome their loss."

 

            Alyssa shook her head. "We've been having problems for a while now. It's a long story, one that I really don't feel like getting into today."

 

            Julia just nodded understandably. "That's perfectly okay. We don't have to talk about anything that you don't want to, although the more you do tell me the better I can help you. Like I mentioned earlier, I know that it takes time to warm up to someone new so I don't expect you to tell me all your deepest darkest secrets just yet. Maybe it's better for the rest of today's session if we just focus on getting to know each other better. Tell me a little bit about yourself."

 

            Alyssa took in a relieved breath and finally began to relax a little bit as she launched into an explanation of what she did for a living and a little bit about her family. It was much easier for her to recite her basic history than it was to do any kind of personal reflection. She noticed that Julia seemed to be listening intently, every once in a while interrupting to add her own little anecdotal story. It seemed as if the two women were casually getting to know each other over coffee rather than have a therapy session. By the time the hour was up, Alyssa was surprised to realize that an hour had gone by. She no longer felt threatened or nervous. Sure, she still wasn't sure if she felt comfortable enough to blurt out the fact that the reason why Sean was divorcing her was because she was having an affair with her ex boyfriend, but she definitely did feel more relaxed in Julia's presence. Maybe not right away, but she was sure that in time she could see herself maybe opening up to this woman.

 

            "I think we made great progress today for a first session," Julia reported with a smile as she stood up from her seat. "It probably doesn't seem like much to you, but today's goal was just to get you talking. Believe it or not I have some clients that spend the whole hour staring at me, so I am pleased with your work today. I think that it might benefit you to come see me once every week or so, if that's okay with you."

 

            "It sounds good," Alyssa reluctantly agreed standing up as well.

 

            "You can make your next appointment with Shelly on your way out. It was a pleasure to meet you Alyssa. Remember, things will get easier... You just have to take one step at a time."

 

            "Thank you," she told her as she exited the office. On her way out the door she stopped at the receptionist's desk to make her next appointment. So far there had been no earth shattering revelations, but Rome wasn't built in a day, right? She would confess everything to Julia, but only in due time.

 

***********

 

            Two more weeks flew by and with it came the benchmarks of two important milestones in Alyssa's recovery. One being the removal of the cast on her wrist, the other being her six week post operation check up with Dr. Spencer. It was nerve wracking for Alyssa to be seated in the waiting room full of other expectant mothers and seeing the joy in their eyes at the prospect of motherhood that lay out in front of them, made tears start to form underneath her eyes. Luckily she didn't have to wait very long before she was called into an examination room.

 

            She changed into the paper gown silently, realizing how strange it felt to be there without Nick. He'd attended the last couple of her doctor appointments with her and she'd kind of gotten used to him being there. Since Valentine's Day they hadn't really seen or spoken each other outside of a few friendly phone calls here and there. She knew that he was trying his hardest to give her the space that they both knew deep down she desperately needed to put herself back together again. It sucked, but she herself had said that as supportive as she knew Nick would be, this was something that she could only do on her own.

 

            She hopped up on the examining table and waited a few short minutes until Dr. Spencer arrived in the room. "Hello Alyssa," she greeted. "I'm very glad to see you up and about. How have you been feeling? I see the cast is finally gone."

 

            "Yea, I just got it removed a few days ago," she reported. "I guess I'm hanging in there. Physically I'm getting stronger every day. Emotionally? Well, it's been a struggle. I have both my good days and my bad days, but I guess that's normal, right?"

 

            "Completely. No one is expecting you to get over your loss just like that. It's going to take time. Time and a strong support system. So let's take a look at you and see how you've been healing."

 

            Alyssa lay back against the examining table and focused her eyes up towards the ceiling as Dr. Spencer lifted up her gown to examine the scar that she now had as a result of her c-section. To keep her mind off of the poking and prodding she attempted to strike up a conversation with her doctor. "So, I finally took your suggestion and gave Julia a call."

 

            "You did?" Dr. Spencer looked up at her and smiled. "I had a feeling that you would change your mind. She's great, isn't she?"

 

            "Well, I've only had like two sessions with her so far, but I think that it'll be good for me. So far we haven't gotten into anything too deep, but she's made me realize that the things that I've been going through aren't all that uncommon after all. I mean I still have a long way to go and plenty of things I still haven't delved into with her, but I think that in the end, it will help me."

 

            "Oh, absolutely! It's nice to see you on the right track though. I was a little worried about you after you were released from the hospital, but you seem to be progressing well all things considering," her doctor shared.

 

            "Well, I admit it did take awhile." Alyssa felt her cheeks burning with the memory. "The first week or so I pretty much refused to get out of bed, but eventually I came around with the help of my friends. It took a little tough love, but eventually it sunk in."

 

            "All normal. There are different phases of grief and some people linger in certain ones longer than others. I'm sure that Julia explained all of this to you, right?"

 

            Alyssa nodded. Their last session in fact had been devoted to the grieving process and the way that Alyssa had acted in each one of those phases. That actually had been pretty insightful to her. "Yea... We talked about that. I know it was a normal human reaction, but I can't help feeling a little ashamed for acting so selfishly."

 

            Dr. Spencer just nodded as she continued her examination. A few minutes later she pulled away looking satisfied with the results of the check up. "Well Alyssa, everything looks great. Your incision is just about healed. I still wouldn't recommend any heavy duty lifting, but I see no reason why you shouldn't be able to slowly begin to transition back into your normal activities. Obviously, you want to take it easy in the beginning. Your body will tell you when it's had enough, so don't push it. You're welcome to begin some light exercise and within the next two to three weeks you should be prepared to engage in more high intensity workouts. I'm sure that you are just itching to get your body back into shape again."

 

            "Oh, you have no idea," Alyssa answered. "I feel disgusting with all this extra weight still."

 

            Her doctor just laughed, but then turned serious. "There is one more thing and I know that it's probably the last thing that you want to discuss right now, but it needs to be addressed.

Remember back in the hospital I explained to you that there doesn't appear to be any permanent damage to your reproductive organs and that you should be able to conceive normally in the future?"

 

            She nodded her head slowly looking a little nervous. "Yes... Did that change?"

 

            "No not at all!" Dr. Spencer assured her. "You're fine. I just wanted to know what your plans were. A lot of couples like to start trying again right away and the sooner you start the better your chances are of conceiving immediately. You are okay to resume any normal sexual activity by now if you'd like. If you're not feeling up to trying again right now though, I'll be more than happy to write you out a new prescription of birth control pills."

 

            Alyssa bit her lip thoughtfully. It wasn't something that she really wanted to consider just yet. She knew that she was in no condition right now to begin trying for another child, especially when her relationship with Nick was in such disarray. Someday she'd like to try again, but not anywhere in the distant future. She'd prefer to be a lot more settled and wait until after things calmed down which she feared might be a long time off. "I'll take the prescription," she finally decided. "I don't think I'm quite ready just yet to start trying again."

 

            "All right... I'll write that out for you while you get dressed. It was a pleasure getting to know you and I wish you all of the best of luck in the future." She stuck her hand out towards Alyssa and then closed the door behind her as she left, leaving Alyssa the privacy to redress herself.

 

            Alyssa had been surprised just how quickly the last six weeks had passed by, but she knew that even though physically she was pretty healed, transitioning back into her life before the accident was going to be the hardest part of her recovery. Now more than ever she was going to need to stay strong and positive and fight to not let herself slip back into her old ways. It was a scary prospect to think about, but she knew that it needed to be done if she was ever going to allow herself to be happy again.

 

Chapter End Notes:
Thanks for sticking with this. I promise next chapter will have a humorous element to it to make up for all the doom and gloom. Also if you haven't already, check out What Makes You Different which is the prequel/spin off to UMS.