Chapter 55 - A Change Would Do You Good

            As April turned into May, Alyssa continued to progress both in and out of therapy. It was almost like with the introduction of spring and nature's own rebirth, Alyssa herself was being reborn into a whole new, hopefully better person. She continued to attend the strip aerobics class with Teri and Tricia twice a week and was actually beginning to find it a good sort of release for her and all the stress she was under. This time of year was hard with everything being fresh and new it was hard not to picture herself pushing Zoey's stroller through the park as she probably would be doing by now, had everything worked out the way it was supposed to. So far since taking the class she'd only shed a few pounds, but those two or three pounds felt like twenty or thirty to her. Seeing herself actually beginning to lose motivated her to work harder in the gym when she was on her own and to eat healthier. All in all she definitely felt like things in her life were definitely starting to look up on a positive note again.

            She arrived at her next therapy session feeling confident and prepared to finally confide fully into Julia. She'd decided that this was going to be the session where she finally came clean about her affair with Nick and the fact that he was Zoey's father. She felt that it was the final step to bringing everything full circle. Of course before she could even get into that, there was a lot more that she needed to explain to Julia and she was fearful that an hour would not be enough time.

            As soon as the session started and the two women made themselves comfortable in their usual positions, Alyssa on the couch and Julia seated across from her in an office chair, Alyssa decided in the interest of time to just start talking. "There's a lot that I want to talk to you about today," she began. "I think that last time when we started talking about my relationship with Nick was really beneficial for me, but there's also a lot more to the story that's led me to where I am today. I think I'm finally ready to discuss it with you."

            Julia raised her eyebrows, seeming a little surprised with Alyssa's eagerness to talk about her past. Usually she'd have to pry things out of her in order to get the conversational ball rolling. Still, she did not give any indication of discouragement. "I'm very happy to see you taking the initiative today. Our last session was very insightful and taught me a lot about you, but unfortunately, we ran out of time just as we seemed to be getting somewhere. So, let's pick up where we left off. You had just finished telling me about your breakup with Nick. How would you say you coped with handling that?"

            "Not very well," Alyssa admitted, sheepishly. "You'd think that I'd have been more prepared since we'd had our own series of mini- breakups throughout our relationship, but this time I just knew that things weren't going to naturally fall back together after a few weeks or months. I was very upset at first. I took Nick wanting his independence as him wanting to be free to sleep with other women. As we talked about last week, that was again my insecurities about myself coming to haunt me. I convinced myself that he must be bored with me and wanted to look for something more exciting, when really he just got scared once he realized how serious we were and what we were getting ourselves into. I decided to move back home to New York and go back to college there. I couldn't stand to stay in Florida with all the memories. Of course before I left I did something really stupid."

            "Which was?" Julia asked curiously.

            Alyssa sighed. "The night before I left to return home to New York, Izzy and a few friends took me out as sort of a goodbye party I guess. We just happened to run into Nick who was already with another girl. It was only three days after he broke it off with me and I know that she was meaningless to him, but it still hurt a lot. Seeing how he was able to just carry on with another girl like that so soon just really got to me. So, I decided in that moment if he could mess around with someone else within days of us breaking up, I could do the same. I naively thought that was the quickest way to get over someone. I left the bar later with some guy who had shown some interest in me thinking that all I needed was rebound sex and I'd be fine. But I wasn't. I found the entire experience just to be very awkward and emotionless and just very business like. I thought the guy was good looking, but other than that there wasn't any real attraction. I left Florida feeling almost like a whore and ashamed at myself for going against my own morals. To top it all off I still felt no better about my breakup with Nick."

            "That's a very common reaction to have after a breakup, so I wouldn't say that it was a stupid thing to do," Julia assured her. "A lot of us think that the best way to almost erase a person from our systems is to jump right into bed with someone else. For some people, like Nick probably, sex can be a good distraction for the way they really feel. Other people though, they just can't seem to separate the physical and the emotional aspects of sex, so this course of action isn't the best choice for them, and that is the category that I think you fit into. There's nothing wrong with either one, just we're all programmed differently, so we deal with things in different ways. Did you continue to try to use other men to distract yourself with once you returned back to New York?"

            "I did," she confessed. "Just because I'm stupid and wasn't sure enough after the last time. After I had some time to think about it more, I decided that maybe the guy in Florida was just bad in bed period. Maybe I needed to give it another try with someone else. Looking back I'm not sure what I was looking for. I think the stupid, naïve side of me had that fantasy of having this glorified one night stand that would ultimately turn into something more. Of course, once again I was left disappointed and then it hit me that the only person I was hurting in the situation was myself. I was putting myself through more anguish just by forcing myself to be someone who I wasn't comfortable with. I was never one of those girls who went home with guys regularly and was able to just have sex. Unfortunately, I had to be one of the girls whose conscience would always get the better of her and then afterwards I'd feel guilty. So, after the second time I decided that this wasn't a healthy way for me to deal with my emotions. Instead I threw myself into my schoolwork and concentrated on graduating college."

            "That's an important realization to come to. For many women it takes a lot more than two empty one night stands for them to realize that this is not for them. You were lucky in that respect. So, throughout college you remained single and focused on getting your degree?"

            Alyssa nodded. "Yea, pretty much. I didn't graduate until I was twenty-four. Then that summer I moved to New York City and that's when things got interesting and confusing again." She proceeded to explain to Julia about Nick being reintroduced into her life just when she'd finally felt as if she'd gotten her life together again. She explained their unique friendship which had started off platonically, but over time had slowly begun to wander into the friends with benefits territory. She shared the confusion that she had went through during that time period of knowing that Nick didn't want them to go back to being serious, but still selfishly wanting to be with him exclusively. "I know that he didn't want a commitment, but I went through that stupid phase of thinking that I could be the one who ‘saves' him. I was no longer angry at him, but instead I pitied him. I made excuses for him like, ‘he's only this way because of his parents,' and ‘he wants to change, but he just doesn't know how.' Sometimes I swore I saw glances of the old Nick that I first fell in love with and that kept me going. I think ultimately we did begin to fall back in love with each other, but we were both too scared to take it to that next level."

            "Ahh... The whole ‘I can change this man and be the one who finally tames him' belief..." Julia just nodded her head understandingly. "That's one of the oldest wives tales in the book."

            "Yea, I know..." Alyssa admitted with a laugh. "I realize that now."

            "A lot of women believe they can change a man, especially when it comes to someone special to them, such as a first love. The reality of it is that men can change, but it has to be on their own accord. You could turn cartwheels around them and it won't change anything. Nick had to have that ‘aha!' moment on his own and not to say that you couldn't have influenced him into reaching that point, but you couldn't force him to change. Do you see what I'm saying?"

            Alyssa nodded. "It's the whole you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink idea. I had to show him what he could have with me, but that's it. He had to decide if he wanted it or not on his own."

            "Exactly! Sometimes it takes one person walking away for the other to realize what they've missed out on." Julia noticed the look in Alyssa's eyes that told her that this struck a certain chord with her. "You look like you know what I'm talking about from experience?"

            "I do actually. That's exactly what happened between me and Nick." She took a deep breath before launching into the whole explanation of how they were going to attempt to make a relationship between them work after his tour and ending with her surprising Nick in his hotel room and finding him with another girl. "In that moment I knew that he wasn't going to change. We could pretend to be a proper couple all we wanted, but eventually we were bound to screw it up. So, I walked away. My confidence was all but shattered at that point, but I knew deep down it was for the best."

            Julia nodded. "As I've been saying... The pieces of the puzzle are definitely becoming clearer to me. I think it's amazing that you can look back on this experience and gauge so much from it. It makes sense that you'd fall back in love with Nick because your confidence probably convinced yourself that he was the only one who could be interested in you. And of course it makes sense that you'd fall into that casual sex pattern with him for a while because on your side at least there was enough history between the two of you where you felt safe. When it all blew up though, I can definitely understand why it hurt so much. Not only was it the sting of seeing him with another woman, but it took a lot of courage for you to put yourself in a position that was new to you. Normally, you were always too insecure about yourself to put yourself in that seductress role, so by doing that for him you were sending a strong signal that you were finally ready to start letting your guard down with him. Unfortunately though, putting yourself out there like that made you vulnerable, and in this case it got you burned. I think it's understandable why this was such a painful experience for you. I'd imagine his rejection had an impact on your next relationship, right? Let's talk about that."

            "Well, my next relationship was with my husband or I guess I should say soon to be ex-husband," she began. "After the break up with Nick I moved again." She stopped and laughed. "Do you see a pattern developing?" She went on to explain how she'd moved to North Carolina and how she'd met Sean. "It was weird in the beginning for us because I was still so hung up on Nick and like you said my self confidence was shot. I was back to the same person I was in the beginning of my dating experience where I felt that I wasn't enough of a sexual person to interest anyone. It definitely led to some awkward first encounters between the two of us. Eventually, we reached the point where Sean demanded to know what my issues were, so I told him everything I've pretty much told you. It definitely improved our relationship and he was very patient with me. It took some time, but I started to realize that there is someone who wants me and I can be less inhibited when I just let my guard down. We were only dating about a year when he asked me to marry him and I felt at the time that it was the right decision. I was twenty-seven, I had a stable job, and I was ready. Then we found out that Sean was being transferred out to California in July, so we decided to get married as soon as possible. It all just happened very fast for me and before I knew it, we were married and moving across the country."

            "So, a lot of big changes in a short amount of time," Julia sympathized. "So, how long were the two of you married before deciding to have a baby? Or was it a surprise?"

            Alyssa shook her head. "No, it was very meticulously planned actually. Part of the reason things ended the way they did. We were only married maybe three months when Sean found out that his troop was being prepared to be sent to Iraq. We weren't sure when or how long we had until he was deployed. Of course, Sean wanted to start trying for a baby right away, just in case something happened in Iraq he wanted that piece of him left behind. I was a little more hesitant. Children were definitely on my agenda, but not this soon into our marriage. Under the circumstances though, I finally agreed and we began trying. We tried, and we tried, and we tried. Months went by and absolutely nothing."

            "That had to be hard for you especially under those circumstances. A lot of women in that position first blame themselves because it's engrained in our heads that is our job to get pregnant."

            "That is exactly how I felt Julia. I felt like I was letting Sean down. I thought that there was something wrong with me. I mean I remember going to be gynecologist and pleading to know what I was doing wrong and there really was no answer. It was very frustrating and you are right. I felt like it was my fault for not getting pregnant," she shared.

            "Well, obviously eventually you did become pregnant. Can you tell me about that? Did it just sort of happen one day? Or was there something specific that you felt you did?"

            Alyssa looked down at her lap and sighed knowing that this was where the story got complicated. "I did become pregnant, but there's a lot more to the story. The circumstances behind it were rather unique."

            Julia looked over at the clock. "We still have half an hour, so go right ahead."

            "Okay well I guess I need to backtrack a bit. During the time that I met Sean, Nick also met someone else and got married. When we moved out here of course it being a small world it was inevitable that we'd bump into each other. We still kind of traveled in the same social circles. Anyway, it was apparent to me the moment I laid eyes on Nick again that he had finally changed. I'd heard things from mutual friends, but he was like a whole new man, the kind of man I had wanted him to be when we were together. He'd lost weight, stopped smoking, cut down on the partying, settled down with one woman... It was very strange almost, seeing him like that. Of course, having many of the same friends we sort of were forced to see each other and became friendly again. Platonically speaking that is."

            "And how did Sean react? What about Nick's wife?" Julia curiously asked.

            "Sean wasn't pleased. I mean I guess you can't blame him. All he knew of Nick was the asshole who had pretty much destroyed all the faith I had in myself. He was really upset that I'd even give him the time of day much less consider him as a friend. The way I saw it though was that it was all water under the bridge. Obviously, Nick was a different person now, so why bother holding grudges. We were both happily married, so to me there was no harm in being friends. As far as Shayla goes I don't think she was ever a fan of me. We're very different. Shayla is very much the typical Hollywood wife, and I'm more down to earth I guess. She was jealous of Sean and I because we were trying to get pregnant. She wanted her and Nick to start trying, but Nick wasn't interested in kids just then. Anyway Sean and I continued to try, but then things just starting getting weird between us."

            "Weird, how?"

            "Trying to have a baby really was taking its toll on our relationship. We weren't connecting on that emotional level anymore. The sex became so routine and mechanical that literally I felt like I could just lie there," she explained. "I tried to think of ways to liven things up, to get the focus off of the baby and back onto each other, but Sean was so impatient. I guess he was feeling the pressure and was worried that we wouldn't conceive before he left for Iraq. Finally, we actually even visited a fertility clinic."

            "Did that help any?"

            Alyssa held up her hand. "I'll get back to that in a minute. It's just here is where it gets confusing and I want to be sure that I can word this right for you. Of course with things with Sean being so awkward my mind began to wander back towards Nick. I knew it was wrong and how off limits he was, so I just reminded myself that we were both married and it never was going to happen. Still, it was tempting. As I got closer with Nick again I finally realized how much he had changed. It was me walking out on his life that made him realize he needed to get his act together. That was very appealing to me. Anyway, I guess it's probably not much of a surprise to you that one night after a bad fight with Sean we wound up sleeping together." She looked away a guilty expression on her face. "It was completely wrong, but of course felt completely right. It was everything that had been missing between Sean and I, and I think the fact that we were both older and surer of ourselves played into all of that. Anyway, that was the night Zoey was conceived. I know because after I found out that I was pregnant, I also found out that the reason why Sean and I had so much difficulty was because he's sterile."

            "And how did Sean take all of that?" Julia surprisingly did not show much reaction from the bombshell she'd just dropped. Maybe she was reserving any judgment until after the story was complete or maybe she just simply wasn't all that surprised.

            "Well, you see during the time that Nick and I hooked up and the time I found out that I was actually pregnant, Sean was deployed to Iraq. At first, I thought that the baby may have been some miracle that had happened the night before he left. I'd already told him that I was pregnant by the time I got the call from the fertility clinic telling me that he was sterile. He was so ecstatic about being a Dad that I just couldn't bring myself to tell him otherwise. So, for the time being I said nothing," she guiltily admitted. "I thought that maybe if I kept quiet no one would know the difference."

            "And how did that work out for you?"

            Alyssa sighed. "It didn't. I felt horrible hiding the news from Nick. Even though I knew kids weren't on his to do list I felt like he had a right to know. I told him, and at first he was really pissed at me because I wanted him to keep it quiet. We didn't talk for a month or so. Then of course we wound up seeing each other again at a friend's wedding. It very clearly started to become evident that Nick was willing to take this whole fatherhood thing seriously. His relationship with his wife was very rocky and I guess that I was a way out for him. I mean he really did care about me, just now he had an excuse to end things with Shayla."

            "But you still were married to Sean who was all the way over in Iraq at the time," Julia clarified.

            She nodded her head. "It was a very confusing time," she admitted beginning to feel the tears start to well up in her eyes. "Especially because it was around this point in my pregnancy of course that my hormones are going up and down and I wasn't sure what I wanted half the time. Nick was always there doing the sweetest things for me, things that Sean probably would've done if he had been home. I guess it was no wonder that after a while we really started to fall in love with each other again. I knew that it was wrong to take advantage of Sean's absence, but I also realized that the only reason I married Sean in the first place was because things didn't work out with Nick. I never thought in a million years that we'd find ourselves on the same page again and that he'd actually change into the man I wanted him to be. We talked about a future together and decided that as soon as Sean returned back from Iraq we'd come clean to him and Shayla both and become our own little family. But of course karma had to come around and bite us in the ass and take away the one thing that was most precious to us. It was probably our punishment for being so selfish in the first place."

            Sensing how painful this was getting for Alyssa, Julia jumped in and tried to steer the conversation for her. "Tell me about the circumstances leading up to the accident."

            Alyssa took a deep breath. "Sean was discharged in the beginning of January and he kind of just popped in and surprised me. He was hit by a piece of debris in an explosion that killed his best friend and had shrapnel lodged in his leg. I was going to tell him about Nick and I, but then I started noticing that he was acting very strangely. I think he had some form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. He was having very vivid nightmares, erratic mood swings, paranoia... I couldn't drop the news on him when he was like that. Nick got pissed at me of course because he thought that I was double crossing him. Anyway, Shayla decided that she was going to throw Nick a surprise 30th birthday party and Sean and I were invited. Sean didn't want me to go of course because he was beginning to catch on that there was something going on between Nick and I. So, stupid me decided that I was going anyway and I kind of lied to Sean and snuck out to go to the party instead. Sean caught me in the lie and decided to show up and I guess drag me out of there. He and Nick got into it outside and naturally I was a wreck. The party was held at a friend's night club, so two of my friends brought me upstairs to rest and calm down while a few of the guys broke up the argument. While this was all going on and I was still upset, Shayla followed up the stairs and insisted that she had to talk to me. My friends tried to tell he that now wasn't a good time, but she wasn't taking no for an answer, so I sent them away. Apparently Shayla had found out about Nick and I, and had wanted to confront me on the matter. We were arguing at the top of the stairs and I guess that I was just so upset that I forgot how close we were to the edge. All I remember is falling. Shayla told me that I slipped and she tried to grab me, but she was too late." She sighed, wiping her eyes with the backs of her hands. "I just wish I remembered for myself what had happened. I can't believe that I'd do something as stupid as to trip. I should've been more careful."

            Julia gave her a sympathetic look as she handed her a box of tissues from her desk. "You can't blame yourself for something like this Alyssa. It was probably nothing more than an accident. These things do unfortunately happen and I know that you want to blame yourself because of the pretenses that Zoey was conceived under and all the lies you've told to Sean, but I think it's just a coincidence. I don't think that karma was coming to punish you or anything like that. It was an accident. For whatever reason, you fell. It just wasn't meant to be and I know that sounds heartless and clichéd to you at this point in your recovery, but I think that in hindsight you will be able to at least assess some good out of this predicament."

            Alyssa just shook her head as she dabbed her eyes. "It's hard not to blame myself. I keep thinking what if I hadn't lied to Sean and went to the party? What if I hadn't gone back inside while Nick and Sean were arguing? What if I hadn't gone up those stairs in the first place? I shouldn't have sent Teri and Tricia away. I shouldn't have agreed to talk to Shayla knowing that I was already upset. There are so many little factors that I could've changed that would have led to a more positive outcome. I don't know how to think about any of it as good."

            "What is going on with you and Nick now after losing the baby? How has that affected your relationship with each other?" she asked, trying a different angle.

            "Well, you know that Sean and I are getting a divorce. Obviously he found everything out after I lost the baby. It was really a tough conversation to have with him and of course he was extremely angry. It got ugly, but I don't think it could've gone any other way under the circumstances. At least the divorce is going smoothly. He doesn't want anything and neither do I. We just want it over. As for me and Nick...  Things have definitely been awkward with us and it's more myself holding back than him for once."

            Julia's eyebrows rose curiously. "How so?"

            "Like as soon as he heard that I was being released from the hospital and Sean was divorcing him he had us all moving in together and jumping into a relationship and it was the last thing on my mind at the time. All I could think about was losing Zoey that I truly didn't believe that I should be happy with Nick. I thought that I didn't deserve to be happy with him."

            "And now?"

            "Now..." she paused and sighed. "Now, I don't know... I mean he's being really sweet and understanding and all giving me space. He knows that I need to get my head on straight first. He was actually the one who suggested I give this therapy thing a try. I guess the ball is in my court right now. I just have to decide to make that first move. It's a big commitment because as soon as I agree to be with him, that's it. When he divorces Shayla the shit is going to hit the fan, and I'm not sure if I'm strong enough yet to deal with all that backlash yet. I don't know how it's going to affect my reputation, my job, my relationship with my family..."

            "Those are all scary factors to consider Alyssa, but you have to think about whether the risks outweigh the opportunity to finally be with him. From what you've told me today it seems like no matter what happens the two of you always seem to find your way back together. A love like that is rare and I personally think that the answer of what you should do is right in front of you if you just take a look at your past." Julia looked up at the clock on the wall. "Looks like we've ran a little over. This was an amazing session Alyssa. Our best yet. I am very pleased with you and I think that you are making tremendous progress. I want you to think about what I said, okay? Maybe try hanging out with Nick casually and talk amongst yourselves about where you stand. I think that will be great for you."

            Alyssa nodded as she stood up from the couch. "I will do that. Thank you Julia, for everything. Mostly for not judging me. You've really helped me so much."

            The older woman just gave her a warm smile. "That's what I'm here for."

***********

            Alyssa took Julia's advice and called up Nick the very next day. They'd made some small talk in which Alyssa confessed to him that she had been exercising (although she conveniently left out the details of her new exercise program) in order to try and lose some of that baby weight that had been plaguing her. Nick, who was full of workout tips since losing so much weight himself in the past two years or so, invited her to go running with him that following morning. He told her that he liked to wake up earlier a few times a week to go for a run on the beach when he could. He said that it cleared his head and actually was a pretty strenuous work out because of the resistance that the sand gave. Alyssa wasn't too thrilled about an early morning run, but she missed spending time with him and wanted to see him again, plus the workout probably wouldn't hurt her too much.

            They hadn't talked much at first. Nick wasn't exactly a morning person and neither was she. Silently they ran, Alyssa struggling to keep up with Nick's much longer limbs. She knew that Nick was slowing himself down for her, but she wasn't used to running at all and after only about half a mile she found herself gasping for breath. Feeling like her lungs were going to explode and her legs aching, she slowed to a stop, putting her hands on her knees as she struggled to take a good even breath.

            Finally noticing that Alyssa had stopped, Nick also slowed down his pace and trotted back over to her. "Stopping already?" he asked in an amused voice.

            "Guess I'm going to have to work up to that mile," she said in a dejected voice as she crumbled to the sand. "I'm pathetic."

            "Nahh..." Nick plopped himself down beside her. "If it makes you feel better when I first started working out I couldn't run 100 feet without stopping for a breather."

            "Yea, and you were a smoker. What's my excuse?" she joked.

            "It gets easier. You have to build up your endurance, that's all," he tried to explain.

            "You make it look so easy." Alyssa sighed. "I never thought I'd see the day that you'd be the one trying to whip my ass into shape. I think all the weight you lost went straight to me."

            Nick chuckled. "Yea, it is pretty ironic I guess. But don't be so down on yourself. I mean you were pregnant, so you kind of had to gain weight."

            "I'm beginning to lose, but it's a slow process. Unfortunately, women drop weight a lot slower than you men. You know that commercial where the cartoon woman is like ‘I gave up carbs and I lost two pounds, he gave up carbs and he lost ten? Yea... That's how it is. I'm trying to diet and exercise more."

            "Yea, I've heard," he snickered. "So, should I install a stripper pole in the condo? Maybe some full length mirrors? Buy you some clear heels?"

            Alyssa's face immediately turned beet red. "Who told you?"

            "Teri of course. Come on... Did you really think that she was going to keep something like that to herself?" he asked with a smirk.

            "I'm gonna kill her! I specifically told her not to tell anyone; especially you because I know that you'd never let me hear the end of it."

            "Why?" he asked. "Seriously, Lyss... There is nothing to be ashamed about. Okay, I admit that its fun to tease you and it's not something that I'd expect of you to do to lose weight, but that just makes it even hotter in a way. I'm all for it, and if you ever need an audience..."

            Alyssa just rolled her eyes and playfully swatted his arm before he could get any further. "I highly doubt that I'm going to be giving out any free shows, especially the way I look now. Maybe after I lose another fifteen pounds."

            "Shh... You look fine," he assured her. The two of them were quiet for a moment before Nick stretched out his legs in front of him and looked over at her. "So, seriously though... How are you doing Lyss? You definitely look to be in better spirits and if you're working out that sounds like a plus."

            "I guess I'm doing much better than I had been," she finally admitted after thinking over his observation. "I've been seeing a therapist like you suggested."

            "Oh?" Nick's eyebrows rose in interest. "And?"

            "It's actually been helping a lot. Immensely, actually. Her name is Julia and Dr. Spencer referred me to her. I feel like we're finally getting somewhere. In our last session I finally told her all about everything that happened with us." Her eyes looked up to meet his for approval. "I hope that you don't mind."

            Nick shook his head. "It probably does you more harm to hold information like that back. If you don't mind me asking what did she have to say?"

            "About the accident? Well, she said that I needed to stop blaming myself. That it wasn't my fault. Sometimes bad things just happen, and it's not karma or God punishing us. She said that eventually I will be able to find some good in the situation, but as of right now I still can't. It's hard to stop thinking that I did nothing to cause this. I guess the only slightly positive thing I see in all of this right now is if Zoey somehow had survived, I'm not sure if she would've been healthy enough to face the world so soon," she confessed.

            "Well, that's at least a start," he agreed with a sigh. "Did she say anything about us?"

            Alyssa hesitated, a little unsure of how much she should reveal to him. "She did. She said something along the lines of the fact that we keep winding up back together must mean something and it's pretty rare to find someone like that."

            Nick gently smiled. "And do you agree with that?"

            "I do," she slowly admitted. "But I still don't think I'm fully ready yet. Almost, but I still have a few little things I need to work out first with Julia. I promise you though that when I am, you'll be the first to know."

            She watched as Nick sighed, clearly not pleased with her response, but also still managing to sound somewhat sympathetic. "Lyss, you know that I'm willing to wait for you as long as it's reasonable. I can't wait another six months, but if you need another six weeks I guess I have to respect that. Good things come to those who wait, or so they say. I just want you to know though that I haven't made any move on the divorce proceedings with Shayla and I'm not going to until you give me the green light. Because once I start the process there's no holding back and I want to make sure that you're ready to handle all the media backlash."

            Alyssa nodded understandably. She knew that Nick was waiting for her not because he didn't want to be alone like before, but because he honestly cared about her and wanted her to be strong enough to handle anything that popped into their way. "Thank you Nick," she told him as she wrapped her arms around his neck to embrace him. "Like I said, once I figure all this shit out, you'll be the first person I tell."

            The two of them stayed in that position just holding each other for a few straight minutes before reluctantly pulling away from each other. "So, do you think you can run the other half of the mile back?" Nick asked, as he stood up brushing the sand off of his shorts.

            "Ugh!" Alyssa groaned as she did the same. "You're killing me here Nick!"

            Nick just grinned. "Hey, you're the one who wants to lose weight here, and it's not going to happen by us sitting here and talking all day. Come on you can do it!"

            Alyssa just shook her head and having no other choice she took off running behind Nick in the direction that they had just came from. Even though she knew that she'd be exhausted again in a few minutes she had the feeling that agreeing to come out with him today was one of the best decisions she had made in a long time.

************

            A week later she was back in therapy with Julia, only this therapy session started off a little bit differently than most of her previous ones had. When she'd arrived, Julia had requested that she lay back on the couch instead of sitting up on it. "What's going on?" she nervously laughed. "Are you going to like hypnotize me or something?"

            Julia just laughed. "Not exactly. I've been thinking about what you were saying last week about how you wished that you could remember what happened when you fell. The mind works in strange ways and I know that you hit your head when you fell which definitely could've affected your memory. It's frustrating not to be able to remember things for yourself, isn't it? Especially something as big as this."

            Alyssa nodded. "That's for sure. I mean I guess it's possible that it all just happened so fast that I never got a chance to process what actually happened. It does bother me though. I mean I don't want to say that Shayla was lying, but it's not like me to just trip over my own two feet, and that's what frustrates me. I just wish I knew for myself what had happened. Somehow I just get a feeling that there's more to the story then what Shayla told everyone."

            Julia nodded. "Well, the only people who know for sure what happened up there are you and Shayla. I've been reading about how a person's brain represses certain details in a traumatic event like an accident. The memories are there, but because of a variety of unknown reasons they become buried and the person, ‘forgets.' What I would like to do with you today is to help uncover those memories of exactly what happened at the top of those stairs. We may discover that Shayla was right and you simply tripped after all and if that's the case we'll begin to deal with it, but either way I think that this is going to help bring you some sort of closure on your loss."

            "How are you going to do that?" Alyssa curiously asked, beginning to think that maybe her hypnosis prediction wasn't entirely that far off base.

            "I'm going to lead you through a guided visualization," Julia explained. "It's actually not as scary as it sounds. I'm going to lead you through some breathing exercises to relax you and then I am gong to ask you to close your eyes concentrate on certain details leading up to your fall. I want you to visualize what went on in your head almost as if you were watching it on a movie screen. You're going to explain to me what you see and hopefully it'll make things clearer for you. The hardest part is just removing yourself from the situation and looking at it from an outsider's perspective."

            "Uhmm ok..." Alyssa reluctantly agreed. She had to admit that the whole thing sounded more than a little crazy to her, but she tried to keep an open mind as Julia led her though a calming set of breathing exercises. She'd trusted her therapist this far, hadn't she?

            Once Julia seemed confident that she was calm she began the exercise. "Ok, Alyssa... First off I would like you to picture yourself at the party. Describe to me in as much detail as you can what you were wearing, what you looked like, who or what you saw... Tell me everything you can."

            Alyssa obliged and concentrated hard on the visual behind her eyes. She described everything that she saw to Julia with as much detail as she could. Julia continued to guide her throughout the night from her conversation with Nick out on the deck, to Sean and Nick's argument. Finally Julia had just gotten to the point where Shayla had approached her at the top of the stairs with Teri and Tricia. "What happened after Shayla asked if she could talk to you?"

            "Teri and Tricia tried to jump in and defend me, saying that I was too upset to speak with her at that point, but Shayla wasn't taking no for an answer. I realized that there was no use avoiding her. I had a feeling she wanted to confront me about Nick and since Sean already knew I figured that there was no use in delaying the inevitable. So, I sent the girls downstairs and told them that this was something that I had to handle on my own," she described.

            "What did Shayla say to you once they left?" Julia continued.

            To the best of her ability, Alyssa proceeded to recite their argument line by line her voice inflecting almost as if she was actually there in the moment again. She could feel her body rushing with adrenaline and oddly enough she actually seemed to forget where she was and feel as if she were reliving the whole experience. She could almost feel Shayla getting into her face as she continued to insult her, causing her to take a few steps backwards towards the edge of the stairs. "Don't think for one minute that I'm letting Nick go that easily. You may think you have him wrapped around your pretty little finger, but he's not going anywhere. You're nothing! You have nothing to offer him! He's got a great life with me, one that I don't see him giving up anytime soon!" Shayla's threatening tone of voice rang fresh in her ears as she recalled the way that she had tried to intimidate her. What happened next wasn't so familiar to her eyes. She actually gasped when she saw Shayla reach out and push her backwards. It wasn't a hard shove, probably more for intimidation than to actually hurt her, but it was enough force to send the image of herself tumbling down the stairs.

            "What's going on Alyssa?" asked Julia in a concerned voice once she heard her gasp. "What do you see?"

            "Shayla... She... She pushed me. She pushed me down the stairs! One minute she was all in my face screaming at me and then she just shoved me!" Alyssa cried out, not wanting to believe what she was seeing.

            "Okay Alyssa... I want you to open your eyes and sit up for me please," her therapist instructed. "Let's talk about what you saw. Are you positive that you did visualize Shayla pushing you down the stairs?"

            Alyssa sat up and wiped her eyes that were already full of tears of shock and nodded her head. "One hundred percent. We were arguing and she was getting into my face to I guess scare me or something. Then she kind of shoved me with her fingertips and I fell."

            "Did she shove you like she wanted to push you down the stairs? Or do you think she did it instinctively as a way to show you she was in control? Do you feel that it was premeditated? Or just an accident?"

            Alyssa bit her lip as she thought that one over, still shaken from this new revelation. One clear memory that did haunt her was the look of frozen horror on Shayla's face as she had fallen. There was no way that she could fake that expression. Alyssa had to admit that even though she didn't trust Shayla as far as she could throw her, she'd seen fear in her eyes which was the most emotion she'd ever seen the woman show. Besides she refused to believe that anyone even Shayla would be that cruel to purposely push a pregnant woman down a flight of stairs. "I don't think it was on purpose. I think that things just got heated and she just wasn't thinking. She looked really scared when I fell because I think she realized in that moment how much trouble she was in. But Shayla is a master manipulator and before I could tell my side of the story she convinced everyone and myself that I fell on my own. I couldn't remember and I was more concerned with Zoey at the time that I just believed her I guess..." She sighed feeling even more frustrated than before. "So, now I know the truth, but I almost wished I didn't because now I have no clue what to do about it."

            "Well, the way I see it you have two options. You could go ahead and press charges against her, although I will warn you that taking legal action will be very emotionally draining especially if you take it to trial. I'm not sure if that's something that you want on your plate right now. Your other option is to just let it go, which I also know is hard because you probably want some sort of retribution from you. I'm not telling you what to do, but you really need to weigh out both options before making any rash decisions," Julia advised. "What I do suggest though is that you talk this over with Nick. He needs to know what Shayla did to you and then I think collectively the two of you should decide on your next course of action."

            "What if he doesn't believe me?" Alyssa fearfully asked. "Doesn't it seem a little weird that all of a sudden I just ‘remembered' that Shayla pushed me?"

            Julia frowned. "If your relationship with Nick is as strong as what you've shared with me then I don't see any reason why he would doubt you. He doesn't have any reason to believe Shayla over you. I think you're just afraid of his reaction because you aren't sure how he's going to take the news."

            "I guess..." she agreed. "It's just so crazy... I can't believe that she'd do that to me and then lie about it to my face like that!" Alyssa felt herself start to get angrier the more she thought about it. "I mean she was never the nicest person, but that's just horrible! I'm not sure if I could forgive her for something like that, even if it was an accident."

            Julia held up her hand. "Let's not talk about forgiveness just yet. I understand that you are very angry, and rightfully so. That is a normal human emotion, but I think you need some time to talk things out with Nick and think about this in a more calm and rational matter. I can see that you are very upset, so I'm going to end things early today. I want you to really think about this, ok?"

            Alyssa just nodded as she stood up and thanked Julia for her time. Her mind was still racing and now that she had visualized the scene in her head it played on constant rewind in her mind. Now more than ever Alyssa realized how much she disliked Shayla. She'd proven to be no better than her and Nick, in fact she was probably even worse because she lied to cover up her mistakes. At least she and Nick had admitted to theirs.

            At least there was one positive thing about this new discovery. Alyssa could no longer blame herself for Zoey's death. She now had a scapegoat.