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Author's Chapter Notes:

Alyssa and Nick begin to deal with their loss.

 

Chapter 49 - The Hardest Thing

 

            The room was so silent after Dr. Spencer's admission that you could probably hear a pin drop. Everyone stared back at her for a moment or two in pure shock, completely unprepared to hear what they just had. Already Nick began to see reactions from a few of his friends. Izzy buried her head into Tristan's shoulder and he could tell just by the way her shoulders shook that she was crying. Sean turned his back on the group for a moment, fighting to keep himself together, and Shayla look wide eyed and horrified. Nick though, remained relatively cool and calm. He refused to believe anything until he heard the words come directly out of the doctor's mouth.

 

            "The delivery went off pretty routinely, but by the time that we got to the baby it was too late," she solemnly continued. "The placenta had ruptured as we had feared and we simply just weren't fast enough. I am very sorry. I want you to know that I really did try my best, but we just didn't have time on our side."

 

            Nick swallowed hard before asking the one question that still remained unanswered. "What about Alyssa? Did she make it through?" He needed to know the full extent of his loss before it could really hit him that he'd lost yet another daughter to an unforeseen accident.

 

            The entire room seemed to hold its breath while they waited for Dr. Spencer's reply. "Alyssa made it through the delivery just fine." Sighs of relief could be heard all around the room. "Right now she's being moved to a recovery room and a few other doctors are examining her other injuries. As of right now though, it looks like she'll be able to make a full recovery. Outside of a concussion, some cracked ribs, and a broken wrist, she's just banged up. We're going to keep her here obviously a few days to rest up and recover from the c-section, but she should be able to go home later in the week if everything goes well. Right now she's still out from the operation and we're going to keep up pretty sedated with pain meds for the next twenty-four hours or so. Depending on how she responds we'll begin weaning her off after that."

 

            "She doesn't know about the baby then, does she?" Izzy softly piped up.

 

            Dr. Spencer shook her head. "No, she doesn't. She's been out pretty much the whole time since she's been in the hospital. I anticipate that her memory is going to be a little fuzzy when she first wakes up, so she probably will be a little confused at first. We're going to have to explain everything to her when she does wake up. But, let's take one step at a time first."

 

            "When can we go in and see her?" Sean anxiously asked.

 

            "Well, as I said before, right now she's got some other doctors checking her over. She's going to need a cast put on that wrist and her ribs are going to need to be bandaged up. She's going to be pretty out of it, but if all goes well I'm sure that you'll be able to at least sit with her by this afternoon. Any other questions?"

 

            Nobody spoke, so Dr. Spencer took it upon herself to wrap up the conversation. "In that case, I am going to get going. I will be around to check up on Alyssa later. If you need anything at all just let me know. Again I am very sorry about the baby. The important thing is that Alyssa is going to be okay." With that she turned on her heels and headed out of the waiting area leaving everyone else stunned, hurt, and a little angry with the decision that God had decided to make.

                                                                                                         

            "How can she act so cold and calm about this?" Nick cried, the moment she left. "How can she stand there and say she's sorry that Alyssa lost the baby, but it's okay because Alyssa is fine? Alyssa is not going to be ‘fine' when she finds out about the baby. She's going to be a mess!"

 

            Kevin put a comforting hand on his shoulder. "It's her job Nick. I'm sure she feels horrible enough delivering news like this to us, but as a doctor she can't let her emotions get the better of her. I'm sure she doesn't mean to come off as cold, but sometimes that's just how it's got to be," he explained.

 

            "I can't believe she lost the baby. She's going to be so devastated," Izzy predicted. "She's been looking forward to becoming a mother so badly. It's not fair."

 

            Sean loudly sighed and just from the expression on his face it looked like he was close to tears. The light in his eyes had completely faded and he looked like any moment now he was going to completely fall apart. "I need to get out of here for a bit. Get some air or something," he muttered as he strode out of the waiting area.

 

            Nick let out a huge breath in almost relief. Now that Sean had left the room he could finally let himself properly grieve without having to worry about holding back. He knew that Alyssa would want to be the one to tell Sean the truth about who the baby's father was, so he was afraid of saying too much in front of him. The last thing they needed was to continue their brawl in the middle of the hospital. "I don't understand it!" he angrily exclaimed, slamming his palms into the waiting room wall. "I know that I haven't always been the best person in life. I know I've made a lot of mistakes and done a lot of stupid things. But I still can't understand why God would dangle two opportunities for fatherhood right in front of my face and then choose to slam the door shut once I finally started to look forward to it! This is the second time I've lost a daughter! What the fuck are the odds of that? Why did this happen? It's so scary because Alyssa was just a few weeks ahead of Katie when she and Serena were killed. Why does this shit happen to me?"

 

            "God works in strange ways," Brian cryptically tried to answer. "He must have some larger plan in store. Maybe he decided to take Alyssa's daughter for a reason. I know it's hard for you to see just yet, but I'm sure eventually you'll be able to look back and understand."

 

            Deep down he knew that Brian was only trying to help, but he was just too angry and frustrated right now to listen. "Don't you dare try to use your religious psycho babble about how this is all part of ‘God's plan' to make me feel better!" he shouted at Brian. "After this I think I can honestly say that any ounce of belief I had towards God is shattered! How could Alyssa losing the baby be a good thing?"

 

            "All Brian is trying to say is that maybe it just wasn't meant to be," Leighanne pointed out, trying to defend her husband. "She's probably in a better place now. If she had lived, she would have been premature and may have had further health problems that would have caused her to suffer in the long run. You can't blame God for something like this."

 

            "Then who can I blame, huh?" Nick asked. "Someone has to be held accountable for this! What was Alyssa even doing upstairs in the first place?"

 

            Tricia's face immediately reddened with guilt as she meekly spoke up. "Teri and I took Alyssa upstairs to calm her down after you sent her back inside. She was really shaken up and upset that you and Sean were going to hurt each other, so Teri suggested we take her upstairs to Howie's office until things cooled down," she confessed.

 

            Nick's eyes darkened as he glared in the direction of the two women standing next to each other. "So, where were the two of you when Alyssa fell?"

 

            "When we got her upstairs, Shayla had followed us and wanted to talk to Alyssa," Teri spoke up to defend herself. "We went back downstairs to give them some privacy."

 

            "Why did you leave her?" he demanded. "If both of you had been up there with her, there would've been less a chance of her falling!"

 

            Teri's voice rose in indignation. "We asked Alyssa if she wanted us to stay, but she insisted that we go. She said that she could handle things with Shayla on her own. Maybe instead of trying to pin the blame on Tricia and I, you should ask your wife what the fuck she said to get Alyssa, so upset that she'd fall down a flight of stairs!"

 

            Nick turned his wrath towards his wife. "What about you? You were up there with her. What happened? And why didn't you do anything to stop it?"

 

            "I tried!" she insisted. "But like I told you, it just happened so fast! I tried to grab her arm, but she'd already fallen too far."

 

            "What did the two of you possibly have to talk about upstairs alone, anyway?" He eyed her suspiciously. "It had to have gotten her pretty upset for her to trip over her own two feet and fall down a flight of stairs."

 

            Shayla's eyes pleaded with Nick's, her face already bright red with embarrassment as all of Nick's friends looked on. "Nick, don't do this here," she begged, through clenched teeth. "Not in front of everyone."

 

            But Nick wasn't listening. He just continued to lash out against her. ""So, are you going to tell me why you needed to talk to Alyssa so badly right before she fell? I mean the two of you have never exactly been friends, so I'm sure you didn't want to talk to her to find out what she was so upset about, right? It just seems suspicious to me that you'd want to speak with her privately," he sarcastically replied.

 

            Shayla sighed as she ran a hand through her now flattened blonde hair. An uncomfortable silence washed over the room as everyone stared at her, wondering what her answer to Nick's question would be.  She knew that now was the time to tell Nick that she was well aware of his affair with Alyssa. As much as she had dreaded the moment it was either now or never, she wasn't willing to embarrass herself and air the details of her husband's indiscretion in front of the group. She did after all have some pride remaining. "I know," she confessed in a voice that sounded almost too calm as she looked directly at Nick. She watched as Nick's jaw dropped in shock, but before Nick could say another word she cut him off. "We'll talk about it later."

 

            Sensing, how uncomfortable the situation was getting, Kevin immediately jumped into action, grabbing Nick by the arm. He knew that now wasn't the right time nor place to be getting into this, especially so soon after Nick had received the devastating news about his daughter. He needed to sort all of that out first before he could even begin to live up to his mistakes. "Come on Nick... You've had a rough few hours. Let's just drop this for now and we'll take a walk to the cafeteria. You could probably use something to eat and it'll be good to get out of this waiting room for a while."

 

            Nick glared warily towards Shayla, but finally gave in to Kevin mostly out of sheer emotional exhaustion. Kevin was right... He really wasn't feeling up to having a showdown with Shayla just yet. That could wait. Right now he needed to prepare himself for facing Alyssa. She was the one person who he knew could completely understand what he was going through and he needed to be strong for her. "Fine," he reluctantly agreed as he let his older brother lead him out into the hallway.

 

***********

 

            As promised, by the following afternoon, Dr. Spencer announced that Alyssa seemed to be responding well to the medication that she was on and had lowered her dosage. It was very likely that she would be awakening within the next few hours and Nick was determined to be at her side the moment that she awoke. The last forty-eight hours or so had been an emotional rollercoaster for him. Since he'd received the gut wrenching news about Alyssa losing their daughter, he'd wanted nothing more to curl himself in a ball and just allow himself to finally cry, but he found that he couldn't. Too many of his friends were around trying to comfort him to the point where he felt almost stifled. It wasn't until Kevin had finally coerced him into stopping home just long enough for him to shower and change his clothes that he allowed himself to grieve. There underneath the spray of the showerhead, he finally allowed himself to shed a few tears. Of course as soon as he'd angrily slammed his fist against the tile wall in frustration, Kevin had begun pounding on the bathroom door, begging to know if he was okay. Nick was just sick of people asking him if he was okay. Right now the only person he wanted to be with was Alyssa.

 

            By the time he had arrived back at the hospital, Alyssa was finally allowed to start having visitors. Taking complete advantage of the fact that Sean had been nowhere to be seen since the tragic news had been delivered, Nick rushed to her side and sat beside her bed for hours. Even though she was still heavily sedated from all the pain medication she was on, he still spoke to her as if she were really awake, lacing her fingers with his and lightly stroking her hair. At some point in the evening, Kevin and Brian had pulled him out very reluctantly. Sean had evidently showed back up and wanted to spend some time with his wife.

 

            With no other reason to stick around, the rest of the guys had convinced him just to call it a night and get some rest. As it was, he'd barely gotten an hour or two of sleep the night before. The whole time he'd steered clear of Shayla, not caring what impression he was giving to everyone else. His crumbling relationship with his wife remained at the bottom of his list of current concerns. He just simply did not have the energy to get into an explanation of his unfaithfulness to her. It almost seemed pointless now. Shayla had eventually given up and headed back home while Nick was in with Alyssa. Not wanting to face her, he agreed to spend the night at Howie and Teri's house, since no one wanted him spending the night alone.

 

            Sleep did little to make him feel better. He only got slightly more of it than the previous night and then they were back at the hospital again. The news of Alyssa's potential awakening did put him in a slightly better mood, but he knew that once she found out about the baby she was sure to take it very hard, which would only remind himself of the fresh pain in his own heart. Shayla had called him to ask if he wanted her to come down to the hospital to wait with him. He told her that he didn't care. She'd shown up anyway, but Nick still ignored her, purposely sitting as far as away from her as possible.

 

            As the hours ticked by Nick was getting more and antsier in his seat. Sean had been in with Alyssa all afternoon and he was getting very impatient. What right does that asshole have to be in with her when she wakes up? he angrily wondered. How long can he really sit there with her?

 

            His question was answered sometime around two thirty when Sean finally ducked into the waiting room to announce that he was going to grab a sandwich from the cafeteria and asked for someone to find him if Alyssa woke up. Nick leapt to his feet and was sitting by Alyssa's side in only a matter of minutes.

 

            Please wake up, he silently pleaded with her as he gently squeezed her left hand, the one that did not have the cast on it. He knew that once Sean came back from grabbing his lunch he'd probably demand that he leave. Nick figured that he probably only had maybe an hour with her at best. She looked strangely peaceful as he watched her chest rise up and down with each even breath she took. He squeezed her hand a little bit harder only this time he could've sworn he saw her begin to stir a little. Was she really beginning to wake up or was he just imagining things? Just in case he called out her name. "Alyssa? If you can hear me baby please open your eyes for me."

 

            This time there was no denying it. Alyssa's body definitely did twitch a little in response. Her eyelids fluttered before finally opening, her eyebrows arched into a confused frown. "Nick?" she asked as he watched her eyes move back and forth around her surroundings in confusion. "Where am I? What's going on?" Her hands instinctively flew to her stomach, but she gasped once she realized that something didn't feel right. Her stomach was flatter, not as rounded as she had last remembered it being. Panic gripped her and she struggled to try to sit up to further investigate. "Something isn't right!" she cried.

 

            Nick looked down at her almost unsure of how to react. He really wanted to burst into tears right then and there, but he knew that he had to be strong for her sake. He gently grabbed her shoulder and tried to push her back into a laying position. "Lyss, you need to lay still and calm down, okay? You shouldn't be moving around like this."

 

            As if on cue, a sharp pain hit her in her side and she collapsed again against the pillows beneath her breathing heavily. "Why can't I sit up? Nick, what's going on? What happened to the baby? Where's the baby?"

 

            Nick looked at her sadly, unsure of where to begin. He was no expert at this. Maybe he should go and get a doctor or something? No, he argued. If you were in this position you'd rather be told by someone you care about than a complete stranger. He could always get a doctor later after he'd told her first. "There's been an accident," he began, shuddering at how cliché it sounded.

 

            Alyssa's eyes widened, her eyes glancing back down at her stomach and back at him. "No..." she insisted, her eyes brimming with tears. "Please, tell me the baby is okay. She's fine, right? She's got to be."

 

            Nick could no longer uphold his strong, brave front for her. His head lowered, so that he could hide the tears already beginning to fall down his own face. "I'm so sorry Lyss..." his voice cracked. "The doctors tried... They did all they could, but..."

                                                                                     

            Alyssa stared at him in shock for a moment or two until the news fully processed in her head. Once she realized that this wasn't just some awful nightmare she pressed a hand up against her mouth and began to sob. The sound of her crying was enough to break Nick's heart. Not entirely sure what to do he relied on his instincts, wrapping his arms around her shaking body while she continued to cry into his shoulder. He rubbed her back as he let her get all her emotions out and for the first time since receiving the news himself, Nick finally unleashed the dam of tears that he had been struggling to hold back all this time. For about a full five minutes they stayed like that, the only sound emanating through the room being their own strangled sobs.

 

            Finally shaky breathed and tearstained, Alyssa was able to pull away long enough to ask the inevitable next question. "H-how did this happen?"

 

            Nick pulled away so that they were eye to eye as he smoothed back a stray piece of her dark hair. "I'm not sure how much you remember, but you were at my surprise party. Do you remember that much?"

 

            Slowly Alyssa nodded as the night began to come back to her. Her sneaking out on Sean, Sean showing up at the party, the awful things he had said to both her and Nick... She remembered being extremely upset and emotional, but anything else from the night seemed fuzzy to her. She wasn't sure if it was because she was so worked up emotionally at the time, or if it had to do with the drugs she was probably on. Maybe it was a combination of both?

 

            "You were talking near the top of the stairs with Shayla and I guess you probably just fell or something. That's what she says happened," he continued.

 

            Alyssa frowned as she struggled to remember for herself. She vaguely could recall Teri and Tricia dragging her up the stairs to calm her down and then Shayla confronting them. Then she and Shayla had been alone and she knew that they had argued, but she honestly couldn't recall much more than that. She remembered the helpless, sinking feeling of fear right before she began to fall and the horrified look on Shayla's face, but that was it. How she had actually managed to fall was still a mystery to her. "I don't really remember," she confessed. "I think I hit my head on the way down or something."

 

            Nick just nodded. "The doctor said you had a minor concussion. You've been out for almost two days."

 

            "Two days?" she cried. "What day is it today?"

 

            "Saturday afternoon," he replied.

 

            Alyssa immediately began to panic again. "Oh my God... What about work on Monday? I need to call my principal. I need to arrange for a sub. I'm not even sure how long I'll be out of work. I..."

 

            She just found out she lost her baby and she's worried about work on Monday? Nick wondered to himself, very confused by her reaction, but then it hit him that she was probably in shock and overwhelmed by so much drastic news at once. "Don't worry about that. I think Sean already took care of that."

 

            "What about my family? Do they know? Did anyone call them?" she fired out.

 

            Honestly Nick had no idea. He'd been so upset himself the thought hadn't even crossed his mind. He was going to have to suck it up and discuss this all calmly and rationally with Sean later. "Don't worry about any of that babe. We've got it covered," he told her to ease her worries.

 

            "I don't want them here," she firmly stated. "I don't want them to see me like this. You know how they are. They'll freak."

 

            "They won't," he promised her. He looked back down at Alyssa and noticed that she was visibly beginning to tremble. "Lyss? Are you all right?"

 

            "I... I don't know..." she cried, her voice rising with panic. "I just... I can't breathe," she wheezed out. One of the alarms on the monitor next to her bed began to go off causing Nick to jump in panic. She didn't look as if she was suffocating, but her blood pressure had definitely spiked. Before Nick could think of what to do, a nurse burst into the room and rushed over to the machine.

 

            "How long has she been awake?" the nurse asked him.

 

            "Maybe fifteen minutes... I told her about the baby and then she began to panic. She told me that she couldn't breathe," he reported. "Is she going to be okay?"

 

            "Sounds like an anxiety attack to me. It's very common when someone receives upsetting news like this. She's probably just in shock. We'll give her some oxygen and a sedative to calm her down. She'll probably be in and out of consciousness for the next few hours," she explained.

                             

            "Can I stay here with her?"

 

            The nurse gave him a tight lipped smile. "It's probably better for now for her to get some rest. She's going to need it. I'd suggest coming back tomorrow. She's going to be pretty groggy from the sedative and its best not to upset her right now."

 

            Nick didn't really want to leave her, but the nurse was beginning to shoot him the evil eye. He reached over to give her hand one last squeeze as the nurse placed an oxygen mask over her face. "I'll be back tomorrow, I promise. Get some rest. We'll talk more later."

 

            Alyssa just nodded and Nick turned to leave the room. He'd thought that actually telling her the news would the hardest part, but now he was beginning to realize that the hard part was only just beginning...