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Author's Chapter Notes:
WOOO! another chapter! I just have one more scene to chapter 17 left and then i am going to work on chapter 18 woo! lets hope this streak continues!
Chapter Twelve: The Power Of Goodbye

“Alyssa you know that I specialize in addictions right?” Dr. Pinsky asked.

Alyssa nodded, “I know and you’ve been so great counseling Nick and I. He brought up a startling thought. And really he’s right. I know we’ve discussed my cutting before, and I’d really like to focus on my personal issues. I think they’re honestly what’s holding me back with Nick.” Alyssa admitted.

Dr. Pinsky nodded in agreement. “Well let’s start at your biggest issue. How you deal with grief.”

Alyssa sighed taking in a deep breath. “Cutting you mean?”

“Yes, when did you first start?”

Alyssa thought for a moment. “About a week after my high school boyfriend Collin died. He was killed by a drunk driver on his way to see me. That night I was going to give him my virginity but he never made it. I had just found out that my dad had been diagnosed with cancer the first time. It was just a really emotional time and I cut myself on accident and I felt so distracted by it that I forgot completely about what emotional crap I was feeling. So I stole a couple of razors from my dad’s exacto knife and started slowly doing it. I mean it’s not like I went balls out the first time. I’d do it once and freak out and feel guilty but slowly over couple of weeks I grew more and more into it. Nick didn’t even know, my parents figured it out I think and sent me to him that summer. No one could get through to me I was so lost in my own bull.”

“Well first of all don’t call it bull, it’s not. You were going through a lot of emotional stuff and really you didn’t know what to do or how to handle it all. You aren’t at fault for finding this vice. Just like you aren’t at fault for Noah’s death.”

Alyssa looked away. “I feel like it’s all my fault, because I decided to cut in the first place that my life played out like it has. If I just would have been more mature a lot of things in my life would be different.”

“Well let’s look at it this way. Would you and Nick have fallen in love if you hadn’t gone through what you have?”

Alyssa looked down at her hands and saw the diamond engagement ring on her left ring finger. That definitely sparked some questions in her mind. What if she didn’t cut? What if she didn’t attempt suicide would Nick have realized his feelings then? Would he have ever realized them? Would she have realized how much of a good thing she had in him? “What if he doesn’t love me?” She asked in earnest.

Dr. Pinsky gave her a sympathetic look and patted her knee. “Alyssa would Nick have gone through all this trouble of going through therapy with you and letting you go on your own if he didn’t love you?”

“Good point.” Alyssa remarked back grinning a little. She couldn’t deny that she knew deep down that he loved her more than anyone ever had. Well except for her parents of course but his love felt more special to her than any feeling of love or like than anything she’d felt bestowed on her before. She felt it when he looked at her when they made love, whenever they were in the same room she felt an overwhelming calm and nervousness which confused her more than anything. How could one emotion be so intense, so real yet so mind boggling all at the same time? “But then again I thought I loved Collin and looking back yeah maybe I did honestly love him but not like this.”

“Here’s what I want you to do Alyssa. For the next couple of days think about your actions over the past years. Your relationships romantically and otherwise. I really want you to examine them wholly and fully and we can discuss them at more length on let’s say Saturday morning?”

Alyssa nodded and bid him farewell for the day. Her mind was already completely cluttered with everything from the session. Going through it all in her mind she didn’t know how she survived it all. Had seen such incredible darkness, and yet such incredible joy. It boggled her mind and stimulated and confused all her senses. It drove her completely crazy. How could her choices, the events in her life have brought her to be the person she is today. Was she better because of the messed up choices she’d made? Was she worse? She shook her thoughts from her head momentarily as she drove off to see Lindsay. She went to her office going inside and resting her head on her desk while she sat. Her mind still reeling from her session that day. A knock on her door jarred her from her internal torment. She looked up and grinned at Lindsay standing there.

“I can always reschedule if you’re too stressed out.”

Alyssa rolled her eyes and motioned for Lindsay to have a seat. “No it’s perfectly all right, it’s just been an emotional day is all.”

Lindsay gave her an odd look and shrugged, “How are things with Nick? Good I hope?”

“Things are great with him. I’m just in therapy for my personal issues you know?”

Lindsay gave her a shocked expression and sat on the edge of the couch with curiousity in her glance. “You have issues? Are you kidding me? You’ve got everything going for you.”

Alyssa shook her head, “Nope I have a lot of issues, they stem from depression but yeah have been dealing with it for years, dealing with grief and loss is where I have real problems.”

“Wow I never would have thought. You know you see someone from being the girlfriend of a musician you adore, and you think they’ve got it made and that everything is perfect. I’m glad in a way that you are human. And have some issues like the rest of us.”

Alyssa shrugged, “Well I’m not famous or all that special and really no one who is famous really is all that special they just happen to have interesting jobs. A bit more interesting than a college professor or an accountant.”

“Anyways your students have been doing really well, at least the batch I’ve been grading. They seem to really have a hold on the material.”

Alyssa smiled, “Good, you’ve been following the rubric for grading that I made right?”

“Yes of course, it’s actually really helped the students understand their expectations as well.”

“Good.”

That afternoon…

Alyssa filed through her papers organizing them and filing them away in her file cabinet. She’d been meaning for so long to go through and organize her files. She kept thinking over and over about what she had discussed earlier that day. Her thoughts kept going back to the events of 2001. The loss of Collin, her father’s illness, and most importantly her suicide attempt.

Most of the time she hardly ever thought about her own stupidity back then. She didn’t like to dwell on her own mistakes especially since she cut again after Noah’s passing. She stopped when she uncovered the sonogram picture of Noah, the one that signified in the fuzzy, snowy picture that they were indeed having a boy. She studied it for a long moment feeling her eyes tear up at the thought of what could have been. He would be almost 3 months old if he had survived in July, if she had gone to term she’d be in the last few weeks of her pregnancy. She sighed and placed the sonogram picture down in a file she’d labeled “Noah” she definitely never wanted to forget about him, but for the time being she definitely wanted her mind to be at peace as he was she hoped.

A moment later she heard the familiar click of Layla’s nails on the floor as she entered the hardwood office. She smiled seeing the pooch there wagging her tail in anticipation. Alyssa gave her a sympathetic look and walked over petting her head and scratching behind her ear making her bag leg bounce in appreciation. Alyssa thought a moment and decided to take Layla out to a dog park that was a 5 minute walk from the house. She patted her thigh as she walked out of the office signaling Layla to follow her.

She grabbed a beat up copy of her favorite book, Wuthering Heights and Layla’s lead attaching it to her collar then grabbed her keys and wallet heading out of the house. She pulled her sunglasses on and locked up the front door heading out of the driveway past the gate rolling her eyes beneath the dark shades hiding them at the various paparazzi that began following her. She shrugged them off and lost them in the winding neighborhood as she headed to the gated dog park. Once inside she let Layla off her lead and let her take off to run and play with the dogs that gathered there. She played with Layla for a few moments before sitting with her underneath a large redwood tree. Layla panted as she caught her breath and Alyssa smiled patting her back as she lost herself in the world created by Emily Bronte.

“Alyssa?” A familiar voice asked from above her. Alyssa looked up seeing the piercing blue gaze that she had once thought only belonged to one boy. To her chagrin it was only his younger brother standing there.

“Jake?” She asked questioningly. “What are you doing here?” She asked eyeing him suspiously then politely motioned for him to sit.

He smiled and set his camera down. “Photojournalism class, faces in the city project.” He explained sitting down on the grass.

“Good you’re not paparazzi then?”

He chuckled, “Hell no, the pay is much better but I’d rather be a sports photographer.”

She grinned and they talked some more. “So what have you been up to college right?”

“Yeah it’s been crazy but I love college, I’m sure Col would have loved it too.”

She nodded and folded her hands in her lap sighing a little feeling a sharp pang at the mention of Collin. It wasn’t that she hadn’t gotten over him she had over the years but at the same time the fact that his life had ended so abruptly so quickly and at such a young age hurt her a lot because at the heart of their relationship there was always a deep friendship they had forged first.

She watched Jake’s face change almost like he was debating internally what he wanted to say to her.

“Jake? Got something on your mind?” She asked with a concerned edge to her voice.

He bit his lip and looked away for a moment hiding how his brilliant blue eyes were clouded with uncertainty. “Well there was something I’ve been meaning to tell you for a long time, I guess I didn’t want to tell you, you know hurt you more than you already had been by Col’s death.”

“Okay…well tell me.” She asked growing impatient wondering what exactly could have been so earth shattering.

“Well the night Collin died, he told me that he umm that he was going to break up with you.” Alyssa’s eyes widened at the admission and she stopped breathing for a moment. “He had it in that letter they found with him that my parents gave to you. I didn’t know if you had opened it or not but I guess you hadn’t.” Jake added taking a breath when he saw the still shocked expression on her face his resolve wore thin. “I’m really sorry Ali for not telling you sooner. I thought it was the right thing at the time to not cause you anymore pain. I hope I didn’t by telling you now. You know since it’s been so long.”

Alyssa shook her head and gave a weak smile, “No Jake it’s perfectly all right, thank you for being so honest with me.” She replied. A few moments later she say goodbye to him getting up and taking Layla back home. Alyssa reached home not long after letting Layla off her lead once inside the house.

She sighed looking at a picture of her and Nick. One of her favorites taken at his boat race in 2003. She was wearing and NCR tank the strings of her bikini around her neck and Nick standing next to her, green bandana, red tee-shirt, and his infamous camo shorts. She grinned at the memory of being there to support him at the Daytona race. She passed it as she walked through the foyer and went to the stairs going up into her old room and into her closet. She dug through the boxes ontop of the shelf and pulled out a shoe box with “Collin” written in black sharpie ink. She brought it over into her bedroom that she now shared with Nick. She sat on the bed setting the box on the fluffy down comforter. She stared at it for a moment almost hesitant to reopen the old memories and wounds. However it may hurt her heart at the same time she had to know for sure. With shaking hands she opened the box setting the lid on the bed.

She grinned at the pictures on top of the pile a strip taken at a mall photo booth back when they first started dating. Some smiling pictures, a few goofy and one of them kissing. She grinned at the memory closing her eyes remembering exactly how it felt to sit there with him in the booth giggling with nervous flutter of butterflies in her stomach. She moved the pictures aside taking a deep breath as she reached the envelope at the bottom of the box. She saw his distinct script of her name scrawled on the front, the edges bent and paper worn since the over 6 years since he had written it and perished trying to deliver it. It was his final message to her and she never really could bring herself to read it until this very moment. With a breath she turned it over tearing open the flap and sliding out the folded paper that contained the last words he ever wrote.

Alyssa,

I know my words in person could never explain how much I care for you. You’ve been my best friend and the best relationship I’ve had. You’ve been there through everything and I hope to be there for you in all ways that I can.

I feel terrible for breaking off what has been so special and dear to me in the almost year we’ve been together. You’re the most beautiful person that I’ll ever meet, ever love. But to quote Dicken’s it’s a far far better thing I do than I have ever done before.

I know that you will never love me as much as you want to believe those words when you say them to me. I know in my heart and in yours too that it’s not true. Please do not ever think that I think any less of you because you couldn’t feel the same way that I feel about you. But I cannot be with you. I can’t do it to myself or you any longer. You need to be honest with yourself as much as with me. You need to see that your heart belongs to someone else. I saw it last summer. And really I envy him. You’re an amazing girl Ali, please don’t ever think you deserve anything less than the love you feel for him.

Don’t hold back your heart thinking that I am the one for you. We both have so much ahead of us in our lives and I would still like to be a part of that if you’ll let me. To be your friend because truly that’s how we began and maybe that’s what we should have stayed.

Just please remember that I always have cared for you, that in this I do not wish to hurt you at all. But I have to move on with my life as I’m sure you should as well.

Always,

Collin


She read the words over and over not even sure of what she just read. She swallowed hard as she felt the tears of sadness drip down her face. She was saddened because she never did understand the true meaning of his words that night on the phone, that they would talk and he would always be there for her. And he didn’t even get the chance to tell her why he needed to speak to her. No doubt in her mind that she would have been hurt by the break up but at the same time something lifted from her shoulders. In that singular moment she realized something that she wouldn’t let herself believe for the longest time. She never really did love him. It had been Nick that held her heart from the beginning and even Collin could see through her façade that her stubborn mind had put in place to protect herself from all the disappointment of her unrequited feelings. Yet they weren’t unrequited were they after all?

“Alyssa?” She heard from the doorway. She jumped hearing her own name and turned seeing Nick standing there with a concerned look on his face. “Liss you all right?” He asked coming over to her. She handed him the letter and he read it taking it all in. A moment later he looked up to her face. “You didn’t answer my question.”

“I’m okay.” She said wiping her face and breathing in deeply.

“You sure?”

She nodded and grinned leaning over and pressing her lips to his in a sweet kiss. She pulled back slightly looking in his eyes as her hand rested at the back of his neck. “I’m really okay.”

He grinned and kissed her again bringing her close just holding her there. He broke it a few moments later and looked at the box and the things strewn on the bed. “Memory lane?”

“No…just needed to reexamine some things. But okay why are you here? Not that I’m not happy to see you but I thought?”

He shrugged and helped her place everything back in the box closing it letting it sit on the bed for the moment. “I missed you.”

She chuckled at him and shoved his shoulder, “You wasted money and a flight just to say you missed me? You know we do have cellphones you could have called me you asshat.”

He rolled his eyes and pulled her to lay down on the bed pressing his body to hers and knocking the box off the bed in the process. “Yes but I don’t think I can do this over the phone.” He said with a snarky grin as he leaned down to claim her mouth once more.

Later that evening…

Nick kissed the back of her palm as he laced their fingers while they laid there covered only with a thin sheen of sweat over their skin. She grinned and sighed happily. Alyssa rolled onto her back looking up at the ceiling studying the popcorn-escque vaulted drywall. “What are you thinking about?” He asked seeing the pensive expression cross her brow.

She let out a contented sigh again shrugged, “Collin.”

Nick arched an eyebrow, “Okay wow, great way to boost confidence there Liss.”

Alyssa giggled and rolled back to her side facing him again. “No not like that you dweeb.”

He gave her an odd look, “Okay not a mind reader so you gotta tell me.” He said wrapping his arm around her bringing her close so that their bodies were pressed together.

She grinned and placed her hand on his chest lightly rubbing her fingertips over his collarbone. “Just that I convinced myself for so long that I was really in love with him. And even he saw through it. He was going to break up with me the night he died because he figured out that I really loved you and was just trying to be fair to me and himself by letting me go.” She explained.

“I know.”

“Wait what?”

“He told me he was going to end it. I couldn’t tell you, especially after he died you were in so much pain and I couldn’t cause you anymore pain than that.”

“You knew he was going to break up with me? But why didn’t you tell me after we started dating?”

Nick sighed and kissed her forehead, “It wasn’t my place to tell you. He cared for you, and he died trying to be a good friend to us both. He had told me that you were in love with someone else and that’s why he was breaking it off. He never told me that it was me. And after he died and you got so depressed I thought maybe he was wrong and you did really love him like you thought you did. I couldn’t bear to see you in anymore pain so I kept it quiet.”

She pushed a little away from him to look at his face, “You didn’t tell me to spare my feelings?”

“Yeah…”

She grinned and kissed him, “Thank you. Really, I think it’s good that I saw that letter, ran into Jake today and had the truth come out.”

“Why?”

“Because, I began to cut because of his death, and now that I see the truth behind my own lies I told myself to get over you…I don’t see the point of beating myself up over things like that anymore. Collin was killed by a drunk driver, not me. And even with Noah, I can’t blame myself for it. There were so many factors and stressors that we’ll never be able to pinpoint and say that’s what killed him when really he died because he just wasn’t strong enough. And that’s neither of our faults or anyone else’s it was just meant to happen that way.” She rambled as her mind sorted out all her thoughts.

The realization in and of itself shocked her to some extent. She couldn’t believe that in all this time she’d been hating herself for things she really couldn’t control and the one thing she could control, she didn’t even want to admit that in her heart, that she never felt for anyone else what she felt for Nick. A moment later she looked up into his eyes. “You know what I mean?”

He nodded and pulled her in closer. “I know exactly what you mean."



















If you read please take a moment to let me know what you think!

Chapter End Notes:
Tri!!!!!! thank you sweets for all your beta-ing!