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Author's Chapter Notes:
YAY AN UPDATE! lol Since I got such awesome Reviews from everyone yesterday I figured I'd be really uber nice and update today! Here ya'll go with Chapter 14!
Chapter Fourteen: Slow Me Down

Rushing and racing and running in circles. Moving so fast, I'm forgetting my purpose. Blur of the traffic is sending me spinning. Getting nowhere. My head and my heart are colliding, chaotic. Pace of the world. I just wish I could stop it. Try to appear like I've got it together falling apart. Save me. Somebody take my hand, and lead me. Slow me down. Don't let love pass me by. Just show me how. 'Cause I'm ready to fall. Slow me down. Don't let me live a lie. Before my life flies by. I need you to slow me down. Sometimes I fear that I might disappear. In the blur of fast forward I falter again. Forgetting to breathe, I need to sleep getting nowhere. All that I've missed I see in the reflection. Passed me while I wasn't paying attention. Tired of rushing, racing and running falling apart. Tell me. Oh won't you take my hand and lead me. Slow me down. Don't let love pass me by . Just show me how. 'Cause I'm ready to fall. Slow me down. Don't let me live a lie. Before my life flies by I need you to slow me down Just show me slow me down, slow me down The noise of the world is getting me caught up Chasing the clock and I wish I could stop it Just need to breathe, somebody please. Slow me down (Slow Me Down – Emmy Rossum)

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Alyssa Narrating:

Support group? Eesh I’m not sure if I’m really ready for all of that. From what I’ve heard of support groups it’s almost like AA where you go in and share your experiences with a bunch of strangers and find solace and comfort knowing that it can always be worse or that people really can persevere through the darkest of times.

It’s a great idea in theory, but then again so is communism. I wish Nick would be here to go with me. It seems more and more I need him. Maybe I’ve always needed him and have been just so afraid to accept that need. I love him…I mean I’ve always loved him in one way or the other. And now…after everything we’ve been through…the ups the downs all I can think about is how much I need him in my life.

Realizing that the one person you swore you could never have, ends up being the only person you ever want tends to be a tad unnerving at times. A lot of times I can’t get how much he understands me. He understands my actions better than I do sometimes and that right there is mindblowing for sure.

I’m really glad that Nick suggested that we go to counseling in the first place. It’s done everything to help us in ways that I’m not sure that either of us were really ready to face together. But it’s made us really see how much we have in each other. Like I never really, honestly appreciated how much I love the way his hands feel on my shoulders when he surprises me. Or how much I love his kisses, his eyes, his warmth. Like literally how warm his body is when we just lay in bed together, skin to skin or hell even fully clothed it’s like he’s my personal heating blanket.

But anyways I’m getting away from my point. Therapy has been good for us. It’s really saved us. It’s slowed us down to stop all the drama and all the angst we’d been putting ourselves through. I love him and we shouldn’t have been suffering like we were. Yes it was okay to have the pain and grief of losing Noah but at the same time, I should have been stronger and seen that he needed me.

And even more importantly that I needed him. I need him now more than ever. It’s because I’ve really begun to understand that need. It’s not that I need him to be the stoic man that he’s always kind of been for me. I need him to be Nick, the sweet goofy guy I love with all my heart. I know there’s so many things we still have to work through, still have to get passed before we’re truly indestructible as a couple.

Mainly my thing is the whole intimacy level.

Now don’t get me wrong the sex is absolutely mind blowing, hell toe curling at that. But I’ve always been really self conscious about my body. I know I shouldn’t I work hard to be in really good shape and all. But at the same time… I’m not all that confident in my ability to satisfy Nick sexually. I mean he’s really the only guy I’ve had sex with. Yeah I’m not really counting Routh, he was a stupid one night stand.

But Nick…he intimidates me with how much he knows about my body. He can just go to town on me and I will love every single second of it, and he never has to be told twice what I like or even once for that matter. And honestly I really love that he knows my body inside and out. And there’s just so many things I want to still try with him. I know this sounds corny or even borderline teen drama-ish but I really want to explore my sexuality with him. Of course I want to explore his as well. I want to know all his deep dark fantasies and make them real. The only thing that’s really keeping me from finding that level of comfort that he wants me to find. I’m scared shitless that once I start this with him it’s going to be like pandora’s box and I won’t be able to measure up like Amanda may have or hell Dalene or Kaya or the many other busty gorgeous women he’s bedded over the years. I mean I get that he thinks I’m beautiful and sexy. I’m okay looking I did look hot in Maxim I’ll give myself credit for that (oh and the awesome photographer at least they didn’t airbrush me much like I asked).

But anyways, what if I can’t measure up? I mean he told me for years he’d dream/fantasize about the things he’d always wanted to do with me so what if I can’t be as good as this imaginary me? Or worse what if I do something to surprise him sexually and he totally hates it? Especially if I find it hot? That would be just…I don’t know it would be horribly embarrassing you know?

I guess that’s why I’m not all that excited about exploring our sexuality as a couple. I’m apprehensive I know, and I have every reason to be. But at the same time I’m kicking myself because I really want to be closer to him.

In every way possible.

End Narration.
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Alyssa walked into the church recreation hall taking a deep breath as she saw the gathering circle of women and some men sitting with their wives some sitting close others across the room. She grabbed a pamphlet and took a seat towards the middle. She looked around and tried to take everything in before the group session began.

A woman stood bringing a chair to the middle of the circle. “Welcome everyone I see some new faces. We’ll do some introductions to start off and then we’ll begin today’s exercises.” She announced. She pointed to a few other people hearing them introduce themselves and what their child had passed away from. She thought it was a bit harsh and zoned out.

A few moments later she snapped out of it realizing the woman’s attention had been shifted to her. “Sorry, I’m Alyssa Monroe, I’m a professor at UCLA and umm….my son Noah he was born 3 months premature and with a heart defect. He didn’t survive much longer than a few hours in the ICU.”

“Is the father here with you?”

Alyssa took a breath and shook her head, “No my fiancé is in Europe on business.”

“Psh typical most husbands or whatever never want to come in.” One woman said. A few men in the room grumbled and looked at their women as if they were being water boarded.

Alyssa shook her head again, “No if he could be here he would. We went through a lot and he’s been my rock through it all.” She stated confidently.

“That’s good to hear Alyssa, tell us more about yourself and the loss of your son.”

She sighed swallowing hard it was hard telling her darkest pain to a room full of strangers. Yet at the same time it was somewhat freeing that they all seemed to have been through something similar. “I didn’t get to know him all that much. I had been on bed rest and my sister had gotten attacked and I went to the hospital because it’s my sister. And my water ended up breaking and they weren’t able to stop labor. And did an emergency c-section, I bled out and my heart stopped. They used the defibrillators on me and everything and I was pretty out of it for a couple days afterwards because of the meds they had me on. So I really didn’t get to see him. That’s been the hardest part, not knowing what he looked like, Nick didn’t take any pictures because he was hooked up so many machines he didn’t think it was right.”

“Do you feel bad that you never got to see him?”

Alyssa shrugged, “In a lot of ways it’s hard but in some ways its better, I can’t imagine what Nick was going through that night, I wasn’t conscious and our own child was dying if I had been awake I would have fallen apart and just been a complete wreck.”

Alyssa listened intently as the topic shifted throughout the session. Afterwards Alyssa stood taking her bag her mind swirling with the many thoughts that had been brought to her attention throughout the session. “Alyssa?”

Alyssa turned, “Hi…” She said greeting the moderator.

“My name is Erica. I wanted to say thank you for coming in and sharing your experience with the group.” She said warmly. Alyssa nodded in return. “I have a couple questions for you before you leave.”

Alyssa set down her bag and smiled, “Fire away.” She said with a soft smile.

“Are you and your fiancé still planning on getting married even though…”

Alyssa shook her head ‘yes’. “Of course we still love each other and if anything this whole experience has taught us to be more appreciative of what we have in each other.”

“That’s really good to hear Alyssa, many of the couples who come to the group have a tendency to either be on the outs or on their way there. I’m glad that you haven’t found that to be the case with you and your fiancé. I hope you realize how lucky that makes you two to have your relationship survive a test like that.”

That night…

“So what was it like?” Nick asked settling himself on the hotel room bed. Alyssa grinned and relaxed herself in an overstuffed armchair. She sighed as she gathered her thoughts and played with the end of her lacy camisole. “Uh Liss…babe you’re zoning out on me again.” He added making her chuckle.

“Sorry was just thinking. It was really upsetting you know, to hear all those stories and seeing all those faces. Was I that bad?”

“Umm well you were more shut down than anything. You could completely tell you were hurting but you didn’t allow anyone in.”

Alyssa swallowed hard and sunk into the chair kicking her legs up on the side. “I’m really sorry for that you know.” She began. It hadn’t even crossed her mind at the time that she was only really hurting everyone she knew instead of trying to guard them from her own pain. “I thought I was doing the right thing by keeping it to myself and sparing you from it.”

Nick bit his lip and closed his eyes, “It hurt more that you weren’t letting me in.”

“I know…and I see that now. I can’t do anything but say I’m sorry for what happened and try to avoid that ever happening again. I guess I blamed myself, and I blamed you…”

“Blamed me?”

“Yeah, for not forcing me to slow down, for not seeing how toxic your mom was being. I know that you’re just human but I wanted someone to blame and I blamed us both and punished us accordingly I guess too.”

“Yeah I’d have to agree there. Seeing you cut again was definitely scary.”

Alyssa took a deep breath and let it out with a shaky sigh. “I’m so sorry. I wanted to kill myself, to punish myself over and over for what I’d done. I thought I killed him. I really thought I did. I know now that I didn’t but at the time I hated myself for not being strong enough for him, for you, for my family and for us.”

Nick felt his chest tighten as their talk continued, “But Alyssa don’t blame yourself…you don’t realize how much of a good person you are. I know you were trying to the right thing by sparing everyone your emotions but we needed your emotions to show us that our own were real too.”

“I know, I love you…and I’m sorry I let myself get so lost in my own pain. You’ve been so good to me. As my friend and my fiancé I really think I don’t deserve you some days.”

He grinned a little, “You deserve to be happy and I hope I still make you happy.”

“You always have. Even with just friendship you made me feel like I was your equal, someone you could really trust and I know how huge that is for you. Being in the business even from my little bit of limelight from the show and the tabloids I can really see how toxic this business can be if you’re not careful.”

“I love you…” He said quietly just above a whisper. She grinned and felt a few tears slide down her face from the intense emotions in their conversation.

“I’m really glad you do…” She said simply. “You’re the best person I’ve ever known. I’m sorry I haven’t appreciated you as much as I should have…”

He chuckled a little bit, “Can we please change the subject. At least for now I want to talk about something else…something less intense you know?”

“Of course, how was your day?”

“Busy as all fuck but you know how it is. The guys have been giving me a hard time because I’m like glued to my fucking blackberry waiting for you to call me.”

“Blackberry now eh? What’s next Mr. Tech Savvy you gonna get an Iphone?” She teased grinning.

He laughed a little, “Yeah well when are you coming back?”

She giggled a little at his change of topic. “Soon enough lover. Besides don’t you know absence makes the heart grow fonder?”

“Yeah and the wrist sore apparently too.” He quipped making Alyssa snort at him.

“Well stop pulling so hard! You’re big enough I don’t need to be coming back to stretch Armstrong.” She retorted making Nick’s shoulders shake with laughter.

“God you’re a dork but I love you anyways.” He said wiping his eyes from laughing so hard.

Alyssa took a breath and finished up their conversation for the night. She sat in the chair for a longtime afterwards just resting her head back on the arm rest staring up at the ceiling. It’d be a really long time since they’d had such an emotionally charged conversation. One moment they’re reliving their darkest hour as a couple and the next they’re wise cracking about masturbation. She shook her head and sighed. She got up and placed the phone back on its charger before she went to go through the foyer to the stairs for a nice hot bath and some reading before bed. A shrill ring of the doorbell crashed through her thoughts and she went to it wondering who would be there at 11pm at night, a week night at that. She opened the door seeing Angel’s face and the concern washed over her. “What’s wrong honey?” She asked as she let Angel in.

“I’m sorry to barge in like this, I’d heard you were home. I just I didn’t know who else to talk to aside from Nick and he’s not exactly all that reachable at the moment.” Angel said as she took a seat on the couch, with Alyssa pulling up a patch of leather for herself on the couch next to her.

“I just got off the phone with him I can call him back if you need me to?” Alyssa offered with a reassuring pat to Angel’s knee.

“No it’s okay Nick would probably just dismiss it completely. But I’m really worried.”

Alyssa gave her a look and moved closer, “Well no matter what it is honey I’m here for you.”

“It’s about Aaron…”




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