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Author's Chapter Notes:
Wow another chapter?! Yay! So I finished chapter 20 and am working on 21. I'm really excited to work on this again. And I'm very excited that all of you liked it too. Keep the reviews coming they're so appreciated!
Chapter Nineteen: In Recovery

Alyssa awoke slowly from her late morning nap. She'd fallen back asleep after she and Nick had breakfast in bed followed by a rather rousing romp together. She grinned to herself as she stretched out not wanting to leave the warm soft confines of the sheets and comforter against her naked skin. She saw the bright late morning light streaming in the windows and French doors and looked over to Nick's side of the bed and sighed seeing it empty.

She figured he'd gotten more energy and stayed up rather than falling back asleep as she did exhausted by their feverish uninhibited love making that morning. She had to admit that morning sex definitely was becoming her favorite. Being half awake only having had breakfast just a few minutes before that she'd made and surprised him with. He'd been so surprised by the sweetness of her gesture that it almost seemed as if he had to have her as she had sat on the bed in only one of his oversized tee shirts and her long hair messy and unkempt with not a speck of makeup on her face giving it a fresh light glow.

Hearing Nick's voice at the bottom of the stairs she got up shedding the covers and walked stark nude over to the closet pulling on underwear and then putting on a favorite pair of worn blue jeans and a simple tee shirt and put on her black and grey converse. She went down the stairs pulling her hair into a loose bun at the base of her skull letting the wispy ends trail against her neck. She saw him with his blackberry poised against his ear.

"Yeah I know Em...It's going to be great I can't wait to show it off. I know Howie's already signed up as an investor and I'm pretty sure once AJ sees the place he'll want in on it too. Brian I'm not counting on just because he's already investing in his wife's handbag and design company."

She stopped and leaned against the entry way into the conservatory that held the piano and had a large sitting area as well as the arcadia doors that lead out to the back porch and backyard. He looked over and saw her standing there and grinned holding up his finger for her to wait for just a moment or two then he'd be off the phone. She hated to admit it but just the thought that Emma was even still speaking to her fiancé still irked her to some extent.

"Don't worry you'll be fine you and Beej have gone over menu ideas for how long? I have complete faith in you that the opening will be a huge hit and that the restaurant will be booming." He said happily trying to end the conversation quickly. "Anyways Em I have some important stuff to do today, I think Liss wants to go check out some ideas she has for the wedding and get my input on it but I will see you at the party okay? I'll introduce you to a lot of people so you're going to be mingling after you cook so dress well. Okay...talk to you then...bye..." He said.

"So why has it taken so long to open the restaurant?" Alyssa asked giving him a questioning glance as he got off the phone with Emma hitting the end button on his phone.

Nick shrugged. "Just stuff kept coming up. Not being able to hire enough help quickly and training took longer than expected but hey the opening is finally here so you're going right?" He asked hoping that she would go. It wasn't that he was really worried about the whole idea that Emma would be there. He'd come to terms with his own feelings of awkwardness towards her since her admission that past August. But at the same time it really just made it hard on him to deal with Emma in person. He knew how she felt yet tried to ignore that simple fact and just focus on the work but from the way she looked at him he started distancing himself from her and leaving their conversations and meetings about the restaurant to strictly phone conversations. It did help that he'd been away on business with the group for much of the fall thus far.

"So is she going to be there?" Alyssa asked. She hated having that unsettling feeling in her stomach every time she heard the mere mention of Emma's name. She thought it must be like in some way what Nick felt whenever Brandon's name was mentioned. In a lot of ways she felt like she deserved the terrible feeling in her gut from what mistake she had made with Brandon. She knew she couldn't beat herself up for one stupid mistake she'd made in a fit of anger but at the same time everything did happen for a reason and maybe it was karma coming around to bite her in the butt for her mistakes she'd made in their relationship by bringing a strikingly beautiful girl into his life as temptation.  

Nick studied her for a moment wondering what she must be thinking. "Yeah Emma's going to be there. But hey you know nothing's going to happen."

Alyssa took a deep breath and looked at her hands. "Yeah I know...just I don't like that she has to be near you at all." She said looking away. Nick got a sympathetic look on his face and wrapped his arms around her waist from behind resting his chin on her shoulder.

"Baby, come on you know I'd never do that to you..." He said thinking it was the right thing at the moment. Alyssa pushed his hands away and just shook her head.  "What did I say?"

"Yeah you wouldn't do that to me, but I'd do that though right?" She said sharply.

Nick closed his eyes for a few moments feeling all the feelings of betrayal and jealousy flood back to his mind from the year before. He had pushed all thought and memory of it out of his mind focusing on their relationship and all their internal problems. He took a breath and looked at her. "I didn't mean it like that and you know it."

Alyssa shook her head in agreement, "I know but I was just thinking about how I deserve to feel like this since I did that to you. Did you just forgive me because you didn't want to give up on us?" She asked swallowing hard.

He sighed and studied her for a moment longer. "Alyssa...okay you know what yeah I did just forgive you to save us. It really fucking hurt what you did. But that's in the past. I don't think about it much. There's much more painful things we've been through since that make that seem so completely petty and I do forgive you now. It still hurts but I can see past it and really trust you again and it took everything we've been working on to really build it back. I mean if you think that fucking Brandon to spite me for something you thought I did shattered my trust in you what in the hell do you think seeing you cut again did?" He retorted back.

Alyssa nodded, "I know...and still I just feel bad."

Nick sighed, "Here's what you need to do..."

She gave him a strange look, "What?"

He pulled her to him, "Stop feeling guilty. It's only making things worse at times. And really that's all I want. I mean you've really come to terms with losing Noah because I made us go into therapy together. And look at you; you're so much happier than you have been in such a long time. You've gotten over losing Collin, and Noah. And I know it's going to take a while to get over losing your dad believe me I know I haven't really ever tried to sit down and think about any of the negative things that have happened to us. I try to push ahead and move on so we can be happy."

In his singular admission she realized something about him. It wasn't so much that he'd put her feelings before his own because he didn't think his were valid or important. He did it so he wouldn't have to deal with the pain and grief himself. "But you can't just move on and forget what happens."

"Maybe forgetting is good sometimes." He said simply.

Alyssa sighed and hugged him. "Where would I be if I just forgot things? I'd be no better than I was when we lost Noah. I don't think forgetting is good at all. You taught me that. Maybe you should take your own advice sometimes."

He rested his chin on top of her head closing his eyes and inhaling the subtle scent of her perfume for a moment as his arms tightened around her. He knew she was only trying to get him to open up, to really deal with the negative emotions of events and mistakes in the past, but he just didn't want to at the moment it just made things so much easier to focus on Alyssa's emotions and her recovery and their recovery as a couple that dealing with his own emotions sometimes.

"Do you trust me?" He asked giving her a look as he pushed back slightly.

She looked up into his questioning gaze and smiled as she met his blue eyes with her emerald green ones. "Yes...I trust you with my life as my best friend, and with my heart as my lover. I know I've said that I thought I loved Collin...but I know without a shred of doubt in my head or my heart that I am head over heels in love with you. And the whole Brandon thing...I wanted to hurt you. Because I thought you had cheated on me and I was so hurt and I wanted you to feel it too. I know it makes things worse that I acted so rashly. But if I could take it back...I would in a heart beat. Because I know how much it hurt you really inside as much as you don't want to show me or even really admit to yourself."

"So what do you think we should do?" He asked biting back a few tears trying to maintain his composure.

Alyssa saw the glisten at the corners of his eyes and leaned up pressing her lips to his in a chaste but sweet kiss. He closed his eyes just reveling in feeling her full soft lips against his own. He groaned slightly as she pulled away slightly in disappointment. She grinned at him. "You know how you asked me to go to therapy with you?" She asked rhetorically.

He gave her a sideways glance as he trailed his hands along her curves starting at her waist and following the curve of her hips up her waist to her ribs coming just under her bust line and then trailing his hands back down to her hips hooking his thumbs in her belt loops. "Yeah...what is going on in that scheming brain of yours?" He asked tentatively.

She grinned and broke away from him grabbing her purse and his wallet and keys handing them to him. "Come with me..." She semi-commanded as she held out his wallet and keys to him.

He took the wallet and keys wondering what exactly she was trying to get him to do. He had a feeling that if she came right out and said it that he would most likely hate the idea. She knew him pretty well and that he didn't like doing certain things and if it was what he thought it was going to be he was sure that he was going to hate it. "Where?" He asked following her out of the house and out to his Range Rover.

She turned to him and grinned. "I want you to come to group therapy with me. I think it'll be really good."

He stopped and stared at her now that he wasn't exactly expecting. He thought maybe shopping and talking for the day would be it. Shopping he disliked but didn't mind if he got a little bit of a show with her changing her clothes. And the talking thing he wouldn't get bored with but talking about losing their son...in a big group? Now that he definitely wasn't comfortable with. Sure he didn't mind that Dr. Pinsky had recommended that Alyssa go there to sort out her own thoughts and come to terms with the final stages of the grieving process.

To him...grieving had always been a very private affair. When his parent's marriage crumbled and his family was destroyed he preferred to keep his emotions on the down low rather than broadcasting them to the world. Even when his grandmother died in 2004 he didn't say much if anything at all about it just preferring to keep that pain of losing her to himself despite Alyssa's incessant attempts to get him to just spill his feelings to her.

"I don't know Liss...I just don't feel right...with that..." He trailed off. He knew that once she got that determined look on her face that he'd have to just comply, and he knew that he was the same with some things when it came to her. He relented and got into the car listening to her instructions as he drove them to the church. While he knew that he wasn't going to win this argument with her it didn't mean he couldn't complain about it either. "I mean I'm not really sure if I need this Ali..."

Nick grimaced as Alyssa gave him a pathetic look. "I don't care Nick you should really come with me." She said with a coaxing tone. "The support group is really good I think you'll really be able to see that we're not alone in this and how lucky we are that it didn't completely rip us apart."

He gave her a sideways glance, "But we go to therapy it's not like we need to go to this."

Alyssa gave him a grin and took his hand as they walked up to the church where the support group was being held. She chuckled to herself at the striking parallel in his mood towards going and spilling their feelings and events where when she had gone the first time her feelings were much the same. "I know we go to therapy but I would really like you to experience this. It helped me out a lot and I really think it could help you open up."

"I don't need to open up. I'm an open book. See already open!" He scoffed making her roll her eyes at him.

"See now why don't I believe that Mr. Stoic?" She admonished. She took a look at him for a moment studying his expression. "What are you so afraid of talking about? Or even feeling? I mean yeah I got you to talk a little bit about Brandon today but you don't really talk much about any negative experience you've had and I'm going to be your wife. Well even as you said to me back in August that you consider me to already be your wife so I think this will help you start acting like it too. Being married means the ultimate in intimacy don't you think we should be more open with each other?" She quipped back.

Nick bit his lip. "No..." He trailed off. "I mean it's not something all that important I mean we got through it. We worked hard and got through everything. And to answer your last question I think we are doing just fine in the intimacy department. Remember this morning...what was that position called again?"

Alyssa let him open the door and the both walked in. "Nickolas come on...intimacy isn't strictly related to sex and you know it. If we're really going to make it as a married couple then I think this will be good for us. There are still things on your side that we need to work through. I've been working through my issues and I want to focus on yours too. I mean you've been going through therapy for longer than I have but I really just want us to talk more about what affect things have had on you." She assured.

Nick took a deep breath as they took their seats seeing a bunch of others sitting around the circle of chairs. Nick swallowed hard; it had always been hard for him to admit negative emotions aside from anger throughout his life. He looked around the room seeing some women and some couples and a few men as well. He took Alyssa's hand turning to her with a nervous glance. "I don't know if I can do this..."

Alyssa squeezed his hand and grinned at him, "Yes you can. You need this...and I'm here with you every step of the way and if you need to be alone I'll give you that, but I know you've been there for me through everything and I have been there for you in the past but not as much as I should have been in certain circumstances."

"But those circumstances you either were dealing with it yourself or weren't conscious remember?" He reasoned back.

"So...? I should have been there for you like you've always been there for me. And I'm sorry for that but I'm here now." She said turning her attention to the opposite end of the circle where the head of the group session sat.

Nick took a large breath holding onto her hand as the session began. He didn't know really what to expect but at the same time it scared him to death that he may have to open up in front of the crowd and normally in any other circumstance this crowd would be nothing for him to handle. Performing in front of thousands of screaming fans was one thing, he could be totally unlike himself, confident, cocky even funny and the fun-loving party boy that his fans knew and adored. He didn't know what this was going to be like but as he took a deep breath swallowing his pride he figured he might as well give it a try if it could get Alyssa to open up then it might just do the trick for him. He just hoped they wouldn't talk about it at therapy later.

That night...

Nick grinned as he mingled throughout the large crowd at the restaurant with Alyssa on his arm. She beamed at him with pride as she surveyed the beautiful restaurant that he'd had a major hand in designing to his own liking. When she'd seen the sign of the restaurant a brilliant blue fluorescent sign with the word Oceana spelled in beautiful yet crooked cursive she had had hard time believing that he'd left the decision of naming the restaurant that had been his brainchild to help his sister out as well as invest some of his fortune in a risky yet lucrative investment. Alyssa hugged Kellie as she and AJ had walked in.

"Wow Carter...nice going..." Kellie quipped looking at the restaurant seeing it already bustling with a large amount of people. Nick grinned and gave her a hug then moved his hand back to around Alyssa's waist lightly caressing the small of her back that was covered by her chocolate brown long sleeve cocktail dress. She definitely wanted to impress anyone that saw her and figured the classy yet extremely sexy dress was perfect for what she intended to show.

"I'm so proud of him, did you know he designed this place himself?" Alyssa gushed to her best friend.

"Well I'm sure he had help, if not then uh Nick seriously are you sure you're not the least bit gay because yeah not many straight men have this good of taste." She giggled back.

Alyssa snickered, "Hey now I think he has impeccable taste when he actually tries." She shot back referring more to his choice of fiancée rather than his taste in interior decorating and layout design.

"And the string of blonde bimbos before you?" Kellie retorted catching on to her joke.

"Temporary insanity, he just didn't want to admit that I'm the hottest chick ever." Alyssa joked sarcastically with a straight face then busted out into an absolute fit of giggles. Nick kissed her on the cheek making her smile at him. She loved that he'd decided to go with her to the group session. Ultimately it had been really quite an eye opener. He'd opened up a little bit and what he had opened up about had shocked Alyssa a lot. Shedding her thoughts of the day she immersed herself into her conversation with Kellie joking about how they were going to tour with the baby and Alyssa was already offering to baby-sit every once in a while so that AJ and Kellie could have some grown up alone time.

A moment later Nick hollered at a tall man than entered in through the front. Alyssa looked over and grinned widely seeing Tommy Lee standing there in ripped jeans, an Ed Hardy tee-shirt and a black blazer over it. She followed Nick over as they both greeted their good friend. "Alyssa...wow...you look great." He announced as he gave her a hug and also a once over with his eyes.

Alyssa grinned and laughed a little, "Yeah it's been too long Tommy we've missed you!"

Tommy shot a look to Nick and he smirked, "No fucking way...you two?" He remarked seeing the knowing smiles between the two of them. Alyssa lifted up her hand and showed him the ring Nick had placed on her finger ten months before hand. Tommy's eyes widened it really had been quite a long time since he and Nick had talked.  He shook Nick's hand, "Congratulations man...when's the wedding?"

"May, you'll be getting an invitation in January." Alyssa replied.

"Wow that's pretty fucking awesome guys. So when did you finally tell her?" He said turning his attention to Nick.

Nick laughed a little, "Her 21st birthday. You know got her liquored up first." He joked making the three of them laugh after a moment Nick and Alyssa explained in short how they had gotten started and that though they had their fair share of drama that they couldn't be happier together.

A few minutes later she excused herself to go to the ladies room that was right next to the loud bustle of the kitchen. She passed by it and went into one of the stalls. While in there, she heard another woman come into the bathroom and stand in front of the mirror obviously distressed and cooling herself off with some water from the sink. Alyssa walked out of the stall a moment later and was met with an all too familiar face. She paid no attention to her as she washed her hands and checked her light makeup in the mirror adding a little bit more light lipstick and tousled her hair. Normally this action on anyone else would make Alyssa begin to laugh hysterically but at the present moment she didn't think laughter would all that appropriate.

Emma chewed her lip nervously and contemplated bolting. She knew that Alyssa knew what had transpired between Nick and herself. She hoped for a somewhat pleasant encounter but knew that women didn't take lightly to other women trying to snatch their fiancés right from under their noses. She stopped for a moment though, figuring she needed to get it over with. "I'm glad I got you alone." She said softly making Alyssa look at her through the mirror. "I just wanted to say I'm really sorry for what happened between Nick and I. He told me that he had told you about it and I just wanted to apologize for my behavior." She said explaining herself to a point.

Alyssa almost wanted to laugh at the completely scared and nervous look that Emma had displayed across her brow and the nervous twitch to her hands. "Apology accepted." She said turning to her. She watched the nervousness change to a look of relief. "However, I would really appreciate it if you stayed away from my fiancé in the future. I'm not the jealous type and I do trust him implicitly. But I most certainly don't trust you. I hope you understand that though I may have forgiven you for what you tried to do, I will most definitely never forget it." She added with a stern resolute glance at the girl. She brushed past her a moment later leaving a rather stunned woman in her wake. Alyssa took a deep breath and looked down at her shaking hands after she had exited the bathroom. She couldn't help her own anger and frustration as well as her own personal fear that Nick would cheat on her get to her just a little bit. If this girl had tempted him once, then it seemed logical that he might be tempted again later on.

Uncomfortable with her present state of mind she shook the disturbing thoughts from her head and walked back over finding Nick not far from his original position near the door greeting everyone. She walked up behind him and linked arms with him pressing her lips to his cheek momentarily. Nick turned and saw her smiling face at him and grinned widely. "Find everything okay?"

Alyssa nodded and moved her hand down his forearm to link their hands squeezing his reassuringly. "Yeah." She replied as she watched Emma begin to make the rounds as everyone began to sit and start with the first course. Alyssa kept a stern glance and made Nick give her an odd look. "What?" She asked feeling his eyes on her.

"You sure that you're all right?" He asked back with a concerned expression in his brow.

Alyssa sighed a little and grinned at him. "Everything's all right." She replied and gently pressed her mouth to his in a sweet kiss.

The following day...


Alyssa sat at her desk scrolling through and making some final notes on one of her student's papers before emailing it back to the waiting student. It was one of the things she really loved about teaching, the fact that she could help mold her students' minds into critical thinkers. It was the same tactic many of her mentor's at the college used to shape how students looked at literary not just as a bunch of words that formed into a cohesive plotline but also as a cultural commentary and how brilliantly authors could paint a clear and complex picture of the characters and places within each story giving them real depth and real human complexity. The best part of the course she taught was that it encompassed some of the authors that she herself adored as a young adult and found it even easier to discuss them at length with her students through the discussion board and through phone conferences.

Having checked her email and done her discussion set for the day she glanced at the time and sighed, it was only a little before 11 in the morning and she'd completed everything she needed to for the day. She pulled out her notebook she'd designated for all the wedding notes and went over the latest things and ideas from the wedding planner. Alyssa grinned to herself as she lost her mind in a daydream about what life was going to be like being married to him. Losing herself she didn't even realized she'd been doodling hearts all over the page in the notebook. She smirked and saw that just underneath one she'd drawn out her name or at least what it will be once they marry. She stared at her own signature seeing Alyssa M. Carter staring back at her in her unique cursive script. She chuckled that her initials would be AC like how Angel and Aaron's were.

Aaron, she thought of him and sighed worried about how he was doing with everything. Getting up she decided to go over and check on him maybe the two could go on a walk and have a nice talk. She loved that she was beginning to get really close with each of Nick's siblings and couldn't wait to call them family, despite their varying eccentricities. Alyssa walked down the stairs passing Nick on his way up. "Where you off to?" He asked curiously.

She grinned and stopped going back up to one stair below where he was standing. "I'm going to go to the beach for a walk. Clear my head, maybe go see Aaron." She explained stepping up onto his stair and leaned up kissing him softly. "I shouldn't be too long just need to get out for a little bit, is that okay?" She asked hoping he'd be okay with her wanting to go out by herself and wouldn't be offended with it.

He gave her a sympathetic look, "Of course it's all right. I'm going to be just working in the office making phone calls and such. Why are you even asking if it's all right?"

"I just don't want you to think I'm purposely leaving you out is all. I was thinking that I should take Aaron to go talk for a bit maybe bring him back here for dinner."

"Sweet, I think that would be cool. It'll be nice to have him over. I worry about him a lot and I think you're one of the best influences he has with everything we've both been through, I'm glad he has you." He admitted making Alyssa cock her head to the side and grin at him. He placed his hand at the side of her neck just beneath the hinge of her jaw using his thumb to stroke the smooth skin of her cheek and traced the line of her jaw delicately finding it nearly irresistible that she cared so much about his own family as if they were her own. He leaned down stopping just as their lips barely touched causing her lips quiver at the slight almost nonexistent touch.

Intoxicated by their closeness and craving more she wrapped her arms around him and kissed him passionately backing them up against the wall letting him pin her hips against it with his own as their tongues dueled playfully. Nick broke the kiss momentarily looking at her as he leaned into her pressing their bodies together feeling her heart pounding in her chest as they kissed aggressively. Reluctantly Alyssa broke the kiss and chuckled a bit. "Okay seriously...we're finishing that tonight..."

"Anything special you want tonight?" He asked playfully with a low rasp in his voice.

She sighed happily and chuckled, "How about we do what you want tonight?" She laughed as his face completely sobered for a moment then broke out in a smirk.

"You sure about that? It could take a while..." He replied implying that his intentions were bent on taking his time with her.

"I wouldn't have it any other way." She grinned back before going down the stairs grabbing her shoes wallet, keys and phone and headed out to her truck to go to Aaron's.

Nick turned and leaned against the wall resting his head against it in frustration. Not that he didn't completely love their playfulness but at the same time to possessing her fully dangled in front of him then only to be taken away just as he was ready to take it up a notch drove him crazy with desire for her. He figured that was all a part of her charm and how she kept his interest renewed everyday instead of getting stale as most relationships did. Luckily they had been able to keep the fires going for quite sometime despite all their trials and nearly losing each other in the process.

Shaking his head at himself for being so completely whipped he walked up the stairs into the office they shared and saw her notebook lying out spread out from her planning. He walked over curious to see what she'd been taking notes on and saw her earlier doodles of hearts and flowers all around and then to the middle of the page where in ink was her signature with his last name instead of her own. His face broke out in a wide grin as he looked at the script.

It made his heart warm and imagine himself what married life was going to be like for them. If they were able to meet any hardship head on as they have in their relationship as they'd seen in the three years they'd been a couple then married life should be a walk in the park. Although deep within his own angst and fear he was scared to death that getting married was going to doom their happiness and dull the fiery passion between them. He knew that he couldn't possibly fall out of love with her, but he still feared becoming like his parents in so many ways. He wondered so many times if his parents had loved each other in the beginning of their relationship the way he and Alyssa do. He thought they might have thought they loved each other but were reluctant to realize that it wasn't a true feeling of love. All he knew was that it was his greatest fear to become like his parents, out of love and hating each other for drama they'd put each other and their children through.

Meanwhile...

Alyssa knocked on Aaron's door smiling as he opened it standing in a pair of sweats and a tee shirt. "Hey you...want to go for a walk?" She asked earnestly. His dark brown eyes rolled at her eagerness.

"You're nuts you realize this?" He remarked grabbing his keys, phone and wallet walking out of his apartment with her. She grinned triumphantly and walked with him out of the building and they walked down the street heading towards the local star bucks. "Can we go someplace else?" He asked a little wary seeing the various photographers already over by the popular celebrity hang out.

Alyssa took pity on him and they turned down the street heading toward the beach instead. She knew that the photographers would be at the beach anyways to see what celebs would show up and what not. "So how are you?" She asked as they leisurely made their way to the beach that was just a few blocks away from his apartment building.

Aaron glanced at her for a moment before turning his gaze back to the sidewalk in front of them. "I guess, I've been all right. Seeing everyone at thanksgiving was fun. You never told me your grandmother was such a spitfire."

Alyssa chuckled a bit as they crossed the street and walked down the sandy hill to the beach. "Nana's always been quite the forward thinker." She remarked with a grin as they both took a long stroll along the surf. "She's my dad's mom. I never really knew how much of a progressive person she is until I started dating Nick. She was like well I hope you two are sleeping together since you live in the same house. That right there shocked the utter hell out of Nick and I."

They made their way back up the sand away from the high tide breathing in the salty sea air. "Because you thought she'd be more traditional?" He asked with a snarky grin as they sat down on the soft yet lumpy sand.

Alyssa nodded, "Well yeah, hell she was born in the 1920s and she's strict Catholic I'd think she'd be a bit more conservative on the idea of premarital sex."

Aaron snicker-snorted at her comment as he looked out at the surf then down to his hands that were clasped in front of his knees. "When did you know you were in love?" He asked quietly making Alyssa give him a strange look.

"With Nick?" She questioned asking the obvious.

Aaron rolled his eyes at her, "Yes, with Nick. When did you know?"

Alyssa grinned and looked out at the ocean chewing on her lip. She looked down quickly then over to Aaron with a sideways glance. "You promise me you won't laugh?"

"Oh come on you know every time someone asks that and the other person promises not to laugh, it's practically impossible not to laugh." He shot back countering her question.

Alyssa snickered and covered her face with her hands and then looked over at him. "I was 16 when I realized that I was first honestly in love with him."

"Wait...what? Sixteen? You two weren't even dating back then..." Aaron started rambling about how absurd it seemed.

Alyssa nodded, "I know, I know but I couldn't help it, it was way more intense than any crush I'd ever had on anyone and it took me talking to Lori about it to realize, oh fuck I'm in love with my best friend... And after we got together, I couldn't just tell him how I felt, I was so scared that if I admitted it to him that he'd lose interest and leave me or worse that he'd get hurt. I still hadn't gotten through losing Collin...and then with my dad being sick in high school then again when Nick and I were dating, I was just so afraid that loving someone meant I was going to lose them. Sounds ridiculous I know...but I just don't think I was even ready for the longest time to really let myself feel the full weight of everything."

"What do you mean?" He asked cocking his head to the side slightly his brow furrowed in confusion. He didn't really get the full gist of what she was saying to the point that she was trying to get across to him.

Alyssa sighed and turned to him sitting with her legs folded and her hands resting momentarily before moving as she spoke illustrating her words physically. "Well love is an extremely intense feeling. It's very consuming, and has the power to completely change and mold you into a new person one you thought that you could never be. Because of Nick I'm stronger than I ever have been. I've had some of my weakest moments in Nick's presence and he stood by my side, sometimes even using tough love to shock me out of my own stupidity. Without him, and how he makes me feel, how intense those feelings are I just don't know what would have happened..." She continued gathering her thoughts as she went trying to form them from randomness to cohesive thoughts. "I mean look at it this way...have you ever really changed for a woman?"

"Changed, how?"

"Not flirting shamelessly and picking up numbers in clubs when you're out with your boys or your brother for instance...Did you ever stop doing that for the entirety of a relationship or was it more you tried it in the beginning and saw that it wasn't working for you?"

"The latter I guess."

"See with Nick and I, we've made our fair share of mistakes, Brandon being one major one for me, and then Nick almost made a mistake with Emma. But...in all the time we've been together neither one of us has thought of being with another person. Emma may have been temptation and he may have fantasized about her here and there but he never followed his thoughts through to conclusion. Just like I've never thought of being with anyone else since he and I started dating. We've been so happy from the beginning that being with anyone else didn't cross our minds."

"But what about when you broke up? Didn't it scare you that you'd have to go date again with someone else?" He asked. "Like when Kellie and I broke up I was a mess but maybe it was out of fear that I wouldn't find anyone as great as her again. Did you feel that way when you two broke up?"

Alyssa chewed her lip, "The thought had crossed my mind a time or two I'll give you that. However, I knew that he and I would get back together because I knew in my heart that there's no one else that's going to make me feel these intense feelings like he does. It was all a question of when I was going to let my stubborn pride go and just be with him fully."

"Hmm, good point..."

"Yeah, it's hard to explain how real love is. It's a simple emotion that has this insane complexity to it. I know I'm not really making much sense, maybe Nick would be able to give you a better interpretation in simpler terms than I can." She shrugged. "I just know what I feel. Don't fret much about another failed relationship. Just means that it's not meant to be. But that also means that you're one step closer to finding the one person who's going to completely turn your world upside down." She explained trying to give him a slight pep talk and lift his spirits about being single yet again.

"It's just hard you know? Trusting someone...It seems like every time I turn around that I let a girl in and finally trust her she either goes and betrays me or she ends up leaving me. It's stupid and it's getting annoying."

"The reason for that is because you don't trust the people who you should and trust the ones you shouldn't. In most cases with you and with your brother sometimes too that's what happens. You two are so scarily similar in that sense. You both have good intentions and your hearts are in the right places but...sometimes you put your guard up too quickly and in other situations not quickly enough. Take Paris for example, Nick knew she was going to be bad news, her reputation alone spoke a lot of her behavior and he wanted to believe that she was different than what the media portrayed her as. And in many ways she was very different than what the reputation was but in the end his first instinct ended up being the right one."

"True...I mean it just sucks that it's so hard to know who to trust."

Alyssa nodded, "But life's like that for everyone. Yeah you've got a slightly more extreme case because of money and fame and all that but everyone has that crisis in their lives where they don't know who to trust. A lot of times people turn inward to their families as the only people that they can trust but in some cases not even the people who we love the most can be trusted. It sucks but it's reality. Thankfully for you, you have an amazing brother who would lie on a bed of hot coals for you and your sisters. Yeah Jane and Bob aren't really in the equation but that's by their choice. You can be an amazing person in spite of having less than stellar parents you know?"

Aaron sighed and nodded, "I can see why he loves you..." He said with a grin. "I mean hell I had a small crush on you for forever but I can definitely see why he's marrying you. Now if I can find a girl who is level-headed like you are maybe I'd have a chance..."

Alyssa chuckled, "Level-headed? Psh...I'm half Italian remember? Nothing level-headed about us..."

"Nice way to perpetuate the stereotype..." Aaron retorted chiding her for pretty much stating the old stereotype of the hot-blooded Italian temper.

"Well it's true a lot of us are very passionate stubborn people it's a part of the culture I was brought up in. To have your own opinion and stick to it was applauded more than anything in my family. At least until it turned around and bit my parents in the ass when each of us hit our teen years."

"You're really lucky to have had such an awesome family..."

"I am lucky, but so are you. You could have been an only child stuck with the parents you have. Instead you have four crazy people that love you and have been through it all with you. And with the addition of Mike, myself and Wes, you've got even more people that care about you than some people can say they have in a lifetime. I hope you realize that you aren't alone and that as cliché and cheesed out as this sounds that we're all here when you need it. Now come on let's go get something to drink I'm thirsty from all this talking." She said with a cheeky grin as they both stood dusting themselves off and began walking back up the sandy hill to the street.

A few hours later...

Nick stood in the kitchen reading through the monthly bills sorting out by date what was due. The house had been oddly quiet, almost too quiet for his liking since Alyssa had left. He'd tried playing music, videogames, hell even a movie and nothing really seemed to pique his interest. He rolled his eyes at himself figuring he was just bored because the only thing he wanted to do involved little to no clothing and his fiancée. The front door opening and loud laughter emanating from it interrupted his thoughts and he grinned figuring Alyssa must have brought Aaron back for dinner. He waited for them to walk into the kitchen where he saw them each carrying half empty star bucks cups. "None for me? I'm offended..." He said mocking a pout at Alyssa.

"See I told you he'd be a total bitch if we didn't get him something." Aaron mocked back.

Alyssa tried to contain her laughter but failed miserably as her face scrunched in a quiet snicker. "Be nice Aaron. Besides you're not a big coffee drinker mister..." She said eyeing Nick suspiciously as she set her cup down and leaned up slightly behind him resting her chin on his shoulder.

Nick chuckled a little and looked over his shoulder at her, "Well you have me there." He replied with a playful smirk.

Aaron watched the exchange between the two and smiled happy to see his brother as happy as he could be. He sighed a little to himself knowing that he might have had that kind of happiness for himself but instead wasted it on his own selfish indulgences.

"So what are you doing?" Alyssa asked eyeing the various bills strewn around the island countertop. "Organizing the monthly finances I see." She observed.

"Yeah I got bored figured I'd get everything organized and all that for when things are due and such." He explained making Alyssa's grin grow wider by each syllable that he uttered.

"Wow you must have been really bored then...you hate doing anything with the bills let alone organizing them into a cohesive plan."

Nick rolled his eyes and pinched her side making her shriek and pull away from him. "See don't mock me that's not nice." Alyssa shot him a look and chuckled as she took her drink and finished it off giggling a little from the sugar high. "Ugh you did not let her get that triple chocolate frappucino did you?"

"So what of it?" Aaron asked thinking that Alyssa's hyper demeanor was more than slightly hilarious.

Nick closed his eyes and shook his head, "You don't have to sleep next to her, I do..."

"Hey now you do that by choice I never said you had to sleep with me..." She countered then busted out at her own comment, "I mean next to me."

Nick snorted at her and grinned, "I got it, but hey it's only because you sleep naked."

"That's because it's easier than trying to get undressed when I'm half awake in the morning because someone happens to be horny." She retorted as Aaron made a gagging noise. "Oh shut up." She said smacking his arm with the back of her hand.

"So...what are we having for dinner?" Aaron asked changing the subject.

"Anything you'd like?" Alyssa asked going over to the pantry. "We've got pasta, soup, I'm sure we've got plenty of stuff in the fridge to make some barbecued chicken and salad?" She offered going over the mental list of things they had in the house.

"Chicken sounds good." Both men said simultaneously making her chuckle.

"Wow is there an echo in here?" She scoffed making both of them roll their eyes as she went over to the refrigerator and took out the chicken, vegetables and then got all the seasonings she was going to need. "You two don't mind helping right?"

"As long as I don't have to cook I'm good." Aaron replied knowing that his own cooking skills involved one of two things, a toaster or a microwave.

"Good then you're on table detail. We'll eat on the back porch tonight it's nice enough without being fricking freezing yet."

"LA is not cold." Nick retorted back arguing lightly.

"It is when you grew up in Arizona where the average daily temperature is closer to 90 than 60." She shot back.

Aaron chuckled at them and grabbed some glasses from the cabinet and walked out to the patio to the table and set it for the three of them. He walked back inside rolling his eyes at how domestic his own older brother seemed to be so odd yet comforting. Nick gave him an odd look and patted him on the shoulder reassuringly. A calm overwhelming silence enveloped the room the only sound coming from Alyssa's hands as she drug a knife through various vegetables for salad and also to grill. "So Ang tells me that you set a place for the wedding in May right?" He asked with a smile breaking the short awkward silence in the room.

"Yep, in Hawaii we'll have to leave that night for more of the tour the next day in Europe." Nick replied as he wiped his hands and grabbed some silverware dropping a kiss to Alyssa's shoulder before heading out on the back patio with Aaron behind him carrying napkins and a bottle of wine. Nick gave his brother a once over noticing how calm he was as opposed to his normally hyper and near obnoxious behavior. "No offense man but uh who are you and what have you done with my annoying punk of a brother?" Nick asked giving him a weird look.

Aaron rolled his eyes and moved his arm as if he were going to throw a fork at him making Nick flinch and give him a stern glance. "In all seriousness it's just been kind of hard lately with just being by myself yet again. It's not something I'm all the way used to...being completely on my own without a relationship or living with one of my siblings."

Nick nodded and patted him on his shoulder. "I know how you feel being that alone is scary as fuck. Why do you think I jumped at the chance to move to LA and live with Ali?"

"Uh ‘cause you wanted to bone her that's why." Aaron retorted grinning like an idiot.

Nick's face broke out in a grin, "There's my little bro I know and loathe...just kidding but seriously it wasn't just that I was harboring some serious feelings for her although that was part of it...The big part was that I was alone for the first time in a long while so I know what you're going through."

"She's totally got you doesn't she?"

"What do you mean?"

"Like earlier today when we went to the beach and just talked about everything, she said some scarily similar stuff to what you're saying about her."

Nick grinned and sighed a little, "And you're thinking, gee why can't I find a girl I can have that connection with?"

"Yeah..."

"Dude you're not even 20 yet...you've got plenty of time...Most guys don't get married 'til well into their late 20s hell maybe even their 30s."

"I know I have time, just it sucks being literally the fifth wheel in the family. Angel has her new boyfriend Colin, Beej has Wes and Leslie has Mike and you know you and Ali are closer than ever. It's like where do I fit in? Angel doesn't even have time to talk on the phone with me much less hang out."

"Aw man I'm sorry...I didn't think that you felt left out. Is that why you've been kind of acting out with partying and women lately? I mean don't get me wrong you're young and you can do whatever you want...but is partying as hard as you do really what you want?"

"No I just want to feel like I matter, at parties it's like I'm a god because I'm the life of the party and everyone loves having me come out with them. But sometimes I wish I could just chill with my family but ya'll are always busy."

Nick chewed his lip for a moment a plan forming in his head, "How about next time you're bored and Ali and I are out of town and you want to hang...fly out and surprise us. Hell the others would love to see you...even Kellie would be pleasantly surprised to see you."

"Yeah see that's why I haven't done that. Its still kind of hard to face her...especially now since they're expecting."

"Hey she still cares about you. Even though it's not romantic feelings anymore she does still worry about you, you know?"

Aaron nodded and chewed on the inside of his cheek. "I'll think about coming out to see you guys. I'm not promising I will but I'll think about it."

"Hey that's all I can ask right?" Nick replied giving Aaron a sympathetic grin. Just then Alyssa came walking out holding a plate filled with raw chicken that had been appropriately seasoned.

"What is this I send you two out here and you don't even fire up the grill?" She joked sarcastically. Nick laughed and went over turning on the propane tank to the large barbecue grill lighting the grill with a match. Alyssa set the chicken onto the grill hearing it hiss at the sudden change in temperature. Taking the plate back into the kitchen she looked out at the two of them seeing just how similar their mannerisms were. She smirked to herself and brought out the large serving tray of fresh vegetables to be grilled and a bowl full of leafy greens for the salad.

"Is that everything?" Nick asked with a grin taking the dishes from her as he manned the grill.

"Yep I think that should do it." She said simply dropping a kiss to his cheek before going over and being handed a wine glass from her future brother-in-law. She took a seat and relaxed in the beautiful weather figuring this was going to be one of the last times where they'd truly be able to just have a relaxing evening at home until the tour would be over.

Late that night...

The house was quiet as Alyssa quietly padded down the stairs and into the kitchen. Unable to sleep she figured she'd make herself some tea and maybe channel surf for a bit before trying to go back to bed. She poured some water in the pot and placed it on a burner hearing it click on as she turned the dial. The silence overwhelmed her a bit since both Nick and Aaron were upstairs and fast asleep. Sometimes at night when the house would be this quiet she often found herself thinking about how she was going to miss this place, and all the memories that lay within each of its walls. She heard footsteps shuffle along the tile and the familiar sound of Layla's nails click across in the footsteps wake. She looked up seeing Nick emerge rubbing his eyes as he dragged into the kitchen, his eyes unaccustomed to the rather bright lights. "What are you doing up?" His voice rasped having woken up just a few minutes before.

Alyssa grinned, "Couldn't sleep, want some tea?" She offered.

He nodded and sat at one of the stools next to the island countertop that held the stove. He covered his face attempting to wipe the sleep from his face. Alyssa walked behind him and wrapped her arms around his shoulders pressing her full weight against him as she hugged him from behind. Staying there for only a few moments she then moved away and chuckled to herself as he watched her walk around the room in one of his big oversized tee-shirts that went down to her lower thighs just above her knees.

"You know I'm glad that you and Aaron are getting close." Nick said matter-of-factly.

Alyssa grabbed a pint of Ben and Jerry's Phish Food from the freezer and two spoons and sat adjacent to him handing him a spoon letting them both dive into the ice cream. "Why do you say that?" She asked pausing just before she took her first spoonful.

Nick mulled over her question momentarily and then spoke a moment later, "Well I just...I don't know I guess it makes me feel good to know that if I can't be there for any of my siblings that I have you to take my place."

"I wouldn't be replacing you Nick..."

"No I mean if I'm off traveling and can't get to them and they need one of us then I'm glad that you'd be able to be there for them when I can't."

"Oh okay well..." She said realizing what he meant she blushed slightly thinking how flattered she was in being pretty much told that she was as good as he was to his siblings. "Thank you..." She said in pure gratitude. "I mean I know my siblings adore you, they always have. Yeah Clark may want to kill you if you mention the fact that you get to fuck his baby sister but he told me once that he always thinks of you as the brother he never had and always wanted growing up."

Then it was Nick's turn to blush at the compliment, "Seriously?"

"Yeah, my dad wouldn't have taken you to buy this if he didn't think you were worth it." She said holding up her left hand.

"Very true, I always thought you were his favorite you know? Since you two were always so close...but I think he was that way with all three of you wasn't he?"

"Oh yeah he stressed that we all got equal time with him and mom. It just sucks that he couldn't be around now...you know I don't have my own father to walk me down the aisle at my wedding? I hate that he can't be there."

"I know...back when I was first starting to come to your family events he always made a point to talk to me about other things than you but somehow you always came up in conversation. I think he was trying to make sure I had honorable intentions."

"Oh yeah he did that to Lori and to Angela even Collin. I think he also wanted to make sure you were as good of a person as I was saying that you were."

"Do you want to know how he told me he knew about us?" Nick offered figuring the story would amuse her. She nodded and he sighed placing the spoon down. "Well he took me out to get coffee and we were sitting down and he goes ‘is my daughter a good kisser?'"

"No way!" She said in shock her eyes widening and her mouth hanging open illustrating her feeling quite vividly. Then her face broke in a wide smile. "Figures he'd say something like that. It's just so him to catch you off guard like that."

Nick shrugged, "Sure as hell did the trick. But anyways he was like ‘I know you and her live together and I knew that when she moved in that her innocence was going to be shot to hell so don't worry about that I'm not going to kill you'. It was hilarious looking back but God damn was I scared that he was going to kill me. I wouldn't be surprised if he had heard us getting it on but thankfully he didn't say if he ever had. I'm not sure if I could deal with Jamie saying ‘oh yeah I heard you nailing my daughter last night'."

Alyssa tried to hold back her laughter but a snicker broke through her wide smile. "I think he was probably, ‘oh thank God finally they're doing it!' Years of pent up sexual frustration and tension tends to get noticed by other people you know. Hell Aunt Ginny and Nana still make fun of me for how you and I acted that summer we went to go see them."

"Why? I mean they tried to talk me into telling you how I felt and of course Marc threatened to castrate me. But I didn't think we ever showed much of how we felt about each other."

"Believe me we did. Looking back all the times that your girls were threatened by me it always came after they met me and saw how you and I acted around each other. Fuck, Michael used to get pissed because you watch me. Back then I thought it was just out of habit because of when I tried to kill myself and you watched me like a hawk."

Nick bit his lip, "Partially...yeah...but the other part was that I was trying to simultaneously muster up the courage to tell you how I felt and also keep myself from doing so. Like I desperately wanted to tell you...but I was so fucked up back then with cheating and just freaked out that I would hurt you so I convinced myself not to. All the other women were just well just distractions."

Alyssa raised an eyebrow at him, "Really?"

"Yeah really...I mean I knew on some level that you were pretty much going to be the only one there for me through everything and keeping you as a best friend instead of a girlfriend seemed to me like that would be a fool proof way of keeping you around."

Alyssa laughed a little and leaned in pressing her lips to his momentarily. "Hmm see you can kiss me and I'm still here..."

He snickered and shook his head, "Yes I know that now...back then I was scared and dumb."

"Hey at least you admit it." She shot back jokingly as she took the tea pot off the stove and poured two cups of the boiling water and brewed chamomile. She returned to her spot a moment later letting the cups cool so they wouldn't burn themselves.

He rolled his eyes and leaned back in and kissed her softly making her grin into the kiss for a moment. Just as soon as the kiss began it ended as they pulled away from each other. "I mean hell we know so much more about each other than we did back then and I don't just mean details that you like to discuss with Kellie and Lori but also just how we understand each other now. All that's happened and all these things we're doing and planning...it's pretty crazy when you think about it."

She nodded and took another spoonful of the ice cream finishing off the pint and tossed it into the trash. "You're right, but I think there's still so much for us to learn about each other."

"Yeah well we have forever for that...I mean isn't a real marriage about just taking each day one at a time right?"

"Exactly my mom and dad's relationship was so good because they could have knock down drag out arguments about trivial shit like bills or other stuff and then like 20 minutes later they'd be smiling and laughing. I idolized their relationship for so long and really still do because they never stopped trying to work on their relationship. I think that's why they lasted. I mean no offense but your parents might have worked if..."

"It might have..." He interrupted. "If my parents would have focused on loving each other and not how much damage one could cause the other and putting us kids in the middle of it."

Alyssa nodded, "That I'd have to agree with too. I feel bad sometimes that Aaron got a lot of the brunt of it being forced to choose between them and not really having a way out."

"Yeah I think that's the reason he started smoking pot in the first place and partying hard before he's even legal I mean hell I've gotten drunk with Aaron before but still." He explained.

"I am glad that you two have your sisters. I mean they aren't without their faults either but they love you two more than either of you know. Leslie hates being so far away from you and Angel was so worried that you wouldn't be able to get through to him that she came to me to try to get him back on the right track. Bobbie? She's got such a good heart, yeah she guards it like it's Fort Knox but you can totally tell her heart is in the right place most of the time."

"Yeah it's just hard sometimes to divide time between all of them then us and then work it's just hard."

"Well you have me to help you now so I wouldn't worry so much about it, no matter what it is we'll face it together." She said confidently resting her hand on his giving it a reassuring squeeze.