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Author's Chapter Notes:
Woo! Another chapter! Currently I'm working on chapter 7 so I have a nice little cushion going on woo! Okay here we go finally got some momentum going with WSIT hope to hear from all of you!
Chapter Three: I’m Not The Girl You Think I Am


Alyssa typed furiously on her laptop trying to get everything in order as far as grading for her students. She sighed completely content to be back in the online teaching setting. She’d missed it over the year and a half she taught lecture courses. She saved the grades and then suddenly her screen flickered and froze. She looked at it in horror her laptop had never done that before in the several years that she’d owned it. She tried rebooting it and took out the battery and unplugged it. She plugged it back in and installed the battery and hit the power button. It started to go on and then it sputtered and went black. She shrieked and freaked out frantically pressing buttons and began breathing heavily. Hearing her shrieking Nick came running into the room, “What’s wrong?”

Alyssa looked up with tears in her eyes. “My laptop died!!!” She cried.

Nick sighed and gave her a hug. “You have everything backed up right?”

Alyssa stopped for a moment and sighed. She knew everything was saved on her external hard drive, she’d learned one too many times earlier in life and from her siblings experiences to always back everything up. “Yeah…”

“Well hook it up to mine until we can order you a new one”

Alyssa huffed, “But it’s not the same. I wrote my thesis on that computer and now it’s like not even working anymore.”

“Well it lasted a long time baby. It’s just its time to get a new one.”

“But I loved that one, it’s just not the same.”

Nick rolled his eyes and laughed, “Okay Carrie…come on it’s just a computer.” He said referencing the episode of Sex And The City when Carrie’s beloved laptop died mid-sentence.

“Oh shut up.” She said with an exasperated sigh. “Seriously it’s not funny.” She added seeing Nick’s face break out in a grin.

“You can use mine until you get another one.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, it’s fine, just use it it’s over on my desk where it always is.”

Alyssa walked over to his desk flicking on the computer. “Since when do you openly quote SATC?” Alyssa asked with a snarky grin.

“Since you started forcing me to watch it all the time on my solo tour.” He shot back laughing as he left the room.

************************************
Alyssa Narrating:

I cannot believe my fucking laptop died on me! Ugh this sucks. At least I have Nick’s laptop to use for the time being. It’s a little interesting to say the least. All the pictures he has of us on here. Okay, okay I know I should not be snooping. But I can’t help it. I want to know what he has on here, and apparently he trusts me enough to let me have full access to it. I love that he has the pictures of our trips and personal pictures we’ve taken of each other over the years. But on the other hand it’s always cute to see what he finds the most memorable out of our pictures. It’s really kind of cute.

It’s been sort of like that a lot lately. He’s been doing all sorts of cute little things like letting me use his laptop or hell he even grocery shopped for me while I worked on stuff for students. He hates shopping for food just because it honestly is the most annoying way to shop ever. So he went and brought back all the stuff we needed in the house. He even made a list! Nick never makes lists ever. Especially for groceries.

Things have been really good lately between us. It’s been hard not having sex. I really want it, I think now more than ever. And really I know it’s because I’m not getting it anymore. You’d think going without for months would make me more horny than I am earlier on but we were just so fucked up emotionally with everything now that we sorted it out between us it’s like oh come on just fuck me!

I mean we mess around and God it’s amazing. If that’s any indication of what sex is going to be like then holy shit…I’m going to die. It’s completely amazing because I love just being near him now to the point where getting off is great but just having him there touching and kissing me is just well perfection in an of itself.

Okay, okay I admit I appreciate Nick so much more now. There’s even more fire between us than the first time around when we started dating. I want him to just completely have me now. It’s a little insane and it makes me think I’m crazy or just plain weird. I mean is it wrong for me to just want to walk up to him and tell him he can do anything and everything he wants period. It really scares the hell out of me that I want to give up that much control and just so willingly over to him.

Does that mean I’m ready to marry him now? I’m willing to move to a new home for him, for us. It’s all about us now and it scares me that I don’t care about anything as much anymore except for him. I wake up in the morning and I see him sleeping beside me and I’m happy. For once in my life I’m really and honestly happy. And I have Noah to thank for it.

I know that sounds horrible, I’m happy because of what happened? But that’s not what I mean at all. Losing Noah…it made me see what I was doing to my relationship. I was destroying it. We both were. Noah was a rude awakening. We were headed down a path that was going to destroy us. Noah saved us. It’s how I have to look at it so I can find some purpose in it all. His death was tragic and heart breaking. It still is really hard to think about the fact that I carried him and I never really got the chance to know him. Maybe it’s for the better that I didn’t see him. It may have made his death even harder to bear.

Nick’s proven to me through all of this of how strong he is. But at the same time, how vulnerable he is as well. He’s just become so much more to me than anything I ever thought of. I mean I’ve always seen him as my best friend, my lover, my ‘one’ so to speak but now it’s just like there’s more depth to each of those portions to us. Just sitting here watching him across the room writing out his thank you for the album is just what I need to keep me completely content. The way his brow furrows as he’s trying to get everything out of his head and onto the page as he scribbles endlessly. He sticks out the tip of his tongue just out of the corner of his mouth and it’s just endearing. I don’t know but everything he does lately innocent or not makes him more and more fuckable.

I don’t know how much longer I can last. Hell just watching him do the dishes or play with Layla makes me want to touch him, suck him off, hell just fucking violate him. It’s driving me crazy…I have to admit, I think it’s partially this new look he has. He’s healthier and thinner. I’ve always loved his looks simply because he’s hot. It doesn’t matter to me that he was a little bit heavier. He always looked good to me. But really now it’s like whoa…hot. I saw him working out and I wanted to faint. My knees literally buckled. It’s so strange that we’ve come full circle. Although we’ve truly changed a lot from way back in 2004. Three years since we decided to go through with the pact. Three years since we started dating and I’ve never been so attracted to him in my entire life.

No one else really gets it. Lori and Kellie don’t that’s for sure. I know they want to understand but it’s okay that they don’t. I barely understand it myself. The fight with the girls definitely sucked that’s for sure. But I couldn’t help it. I was frustrated that she thought that I was “over” everything. I’m not over it. Not by any stretch, but I’m definitely on my way to moving on and becoming stronger.

Hearing all the things Nick’s overheard over the years was also another thing that’s brought us closer. From him hearing that I love him months before I ever said anything to him was just great to know that he knew. That I never had to say anything to him but I wanted to. I needed to tell him I love him. I still do, I say it every chance I get. I lost my dad and I regretted all the times I didn’t say it to him. I lost Noah and never got to say it to his face. So with Nick…I’m making use of my time with him. I have to because really it could all end 50 years from now…. or 50 days from now.

We never can know what the future will hold but fortunately we’ll be ready for whatever comes our way.

End Narration.
*************************************

“Okay so we’ve covered how you two dealt with loss, and Noah and your friendship. Now have you two had sex yet?” Dr Pinsky asked wondering if they had begun the physical part of their relationship.

Alyssa and Nick shook their heads ‘no’ “Not by my choice either…” Alyssa muttered under her breath.

“Alyssa…”

“What I’m sorry I’m just a little sexually frustrated, it’s been how long?”

“Forever I know, but come on it’s not like I’m intentionally holding out it’s just I want to take it slow.”

Dr. Pinsky smirked sensing that they both really wanted to get back to that part of their relationship but Nick’s uncertainty was holding them back. “What’s stopping you Nick?”

Nick took a deep breath, “I don’t want it to ruin our friendship like it had before.” He said in a hurry. He hated admitting that wanting more and taking their relationship to the next level had indeed ruined their once strong bonds of friendship. It seemed to him like as soon as they started sleeping together, all real communication had almost ceased until they started in therapy.

“You honestly think it ruined everything? So what now we’re gonna be like June and Ward Cleaver? Do I have to buy twin beds instead of our bed at home?” She shot back with a snarky tone.

Nick closed his eyes and sighed, “Ugh, Ali come on…it’s not like that. I’m glad we’re communicating better I just don’t want to jinx anything by jumping into anything too soon.”

“He is right Alyssa. Do you have any fears that you’re trying to dispel by hopping back into bed?” Dr. Pinsky asked.

Alyssa swallowed hard she hadn’t ever wanted to bring up the fact that because of Nick and their strong bonds of friendship and trust, she was willing to do a lot more things than she would have done with any other man. A lot of things like experimenting and the threesome for example were fun and had completely changed her view of sex but at the same time…beforehand she wasn’t entirely comfortable with the ideas and only acted as such to please Nick. “It’s nothing really it’s stupid.”

“It’s not stupid…” Nick and Dr. Pinsky both said with a sympathetic tone.

“I’m not as freaky as you thought.”

“What?”

“A lot of the things we did together over the past years weren’t exactly things I was entirely comfortable with.”

“If you didn’t want to you could have told me so…”

Alyssa shook her head and waved him off, “It’s not that Nick. I wanted to do those things for you.”

“But if you weren’t comfortable you didn’t have…”

“No Nick I wanted to be perfect for you. I’d heard all those stories of yours over the years and I wanted to be the perfect girlfriend. The one who wouldn’t say no to certain things. Who would want to do everything you had always wanted to do but were afraid to ask for.”

Nick thought a moment, “So is that why you want to jump back into bed? Like all the times we had sex you weren’t being yourself?”

“Kind of…doing all those things for you and well me too because I’d always kind of wanted to do them but I was always to scared to. It changed me…and I can’t change back. I don’t know if I like it better now. And I guess I’m trying to figure out if I’m really okay with how you’ve changed me.”

“Do you blame me?”

“No…Of course not. You didn’t know what you were doing. I just wasn’t as honest and open with you about what I liked and didn’t like. It’s almost as if when we were keeping our relationship a secret it was like nothing was really forbidden because we were breaking the rules of friendship by sneaking around with each other you know?”

"Well you should've told me. I held things back over the years, too. And that's why we should be taking it slow now. To really learn each other and understand each other more than we did last time."

Dr. Pinsky nodded and sat forward. “Okay I have an assignment for the two of you. By next week’s session I want you two to try to have sex. Not necessarily today but ease into it. Really take your time with each other and don’t hold back anything. It’ll help you two realize that you can have a balance between platonic and sexual bonds.” He said with a reassuring nod.

The next afternoon…

Alyssa sat typing on Nick’s laptop curling her toes as she stretched out her legs on their bed. She loved lounging on it, it was the perfect comfort at the moment, especially with her laid-back attire as well. She’d taken a shower about twenty minutes before hand She looked around the room seeing their picture on his nightstand of the two of them near the kitchen her pulling at his belt as he bit her neck a mischievous grin on her face. The picture was one of her favorites of theirs especially since Lori had taken it for them. She sighed and looked at the desktop completely bored since she’d finished everything she’d set out to do that day.

She started browsing around on his computer looking for something to occupy her time. She checked her email and did a little blogging on her myspace account with some new pictures of their barbecue with everyone. Her personal favorite was of herself, Nick, Kellie, AJ, Lori and Clark. She loved how her two best friends had finally found love like she had. Lori and Clark’s marriage was rolling along smoothly. Kellie and AJ were moved in together and seemed to be blissfully happy. Alyssa turned back to the computer’s desktop looking through Nick’s folders trying to find something to distract her until he returned home.

She cocked her head to the side when she found a folder with her name on it. She opened it and saw various pictures and media files. One picture in particular, Alyssa was asleep sprawled out on the bed half on her side and half on her stomach, the sheets only covering her naked hips. She saw the date on it… it was their first anniversary, or well the morning after while they were still on the Never Gone tour back in 2005. She smirked and looked around seeing a media file with the same date on it and the label “First anniversary”. She paused for a moment and thought about what they had done that night in the hotel room. Her eyes widened as she double clicked the file opening it in QuickTime.

She saw them on the screen as she leaned over the side of the bed as Nick rested on top of her while they kissed. Alyssa watched as clothes began to come off and her breathing began to get ragged and shallow. She didn’t know he kept this on his laptop…Was he trying to torture her even more than she already was? One thing was for sure she knew she couldn’t take it any longer.

Meanwhile Nick drove home from a radio interview he’d had earlier that morning where they talked about the upcoming album. He made his way back to their home and pulled into the driveway. He opened the door and walked inside greeting Layla with a pat to her head. He noticed the house was quiet. Maybe Alyssa was still working he thought. He was hoping that he could possibly distract her from working. He didn’t want to admit it but not being physical like they used to be drove him nuts as well. He sighed and made his way up the stairs looking in the office noticing she wasn’t there. His brow furrowed in confusion as he walked to the bedroom. He heard her heavy breathing and a slight gasp and stopped just outside the door. He looked around wondering what exactly was going on. He slowly looked around the doorjamb and saw her laid across their bed in her bra and panties one hand down the front of her white cotton underwear as she arched her back and sighed breathlessly.

“Nick…” She moaned out softly making his heart skip and his stomach flip. He felt his entire body wire with energy as he unconsciously moved toward the bed and took her hand away from her body. She jumped at the realization of his presence. “What the hell?!” She shrieked in surprise. He pushed her body back down on the bed and claimed her mouth in his as his hands went to her sides and sliding down to her hips. Alyssa broke the kiss and gasped for air as he sucked along her neck. Nick lifted her up sliding her bra off along with her underwear tossing them across the room. Alyssa sat up pulling his shirt over his head and her hands went to his jeans slipping them off. She smirked noticing he’d opted not to wear boxers that day. She pulled him to her and pressed her mouth to his aggressively. She moved her mouth to his neck then up to his ear. “Fuck me…” She rasped into his ear. He pushed her away and shook his head ‘no’ as he pushed her body onto the bed his body joining hers a moment later as they kissed and touched all over their bodies. Alyssa grew impatient she wanted them to be able to come together or at least within moments of each other like they had become so used to, however she didn’t think Nick was actually going to go that far so Alyssa decided to take matters into her own hands. She pushed Nick over onto his back and leaned down wrapping her fingers around the base of his cock as her tongue swirled around the tip making him hiss and growl.

Nick got the hint at what she was doing and leaned up grabbing her hips and swinging one leg over him and Alyssa stopped for a second and smirked to herself as she felt him pulling her hips up. She threw her head back when she felt his tongue flick across her clit sending a jolt of pleasure through her before she put her mouth back on him hollowing out her cheeks to suck harder at his skin. He growled against her making her shiver and moan. He sucked on her clit for a moment spurring her on to press her teeth gently to his shaft. He groaned as he moved his tongue to plunge inside her while he circled his thumb over her clit in lazy circles that increased in pressure with every pass. Alyssa tugged gently on his sack as she moved her mouth faster on him taking him in as deep as she could.

A few moments later he growled no longer being able to hold back as he came. Even though it left him nearly spent of all his energy he kept moving his mouth on Alyssa as she brought him down off his high while he brought her closer and closer to her release. He felt her body begin to shiver as he moved his mouth and fingers faster on her bringing her a lingering climax that made her collapse to his side with a loud moan. She rolled onto her back and tried to catch her breath. Her chest was moving rapidly up and down indicating how much her release had taken out of her. He watched her for a moment and moved toward her to begin again but was stopped when she placed a hand on his chest. “Nnnoo.” She stuttered breathlessly.

“What why? I thought you wanted this?”

Alyssa turned her head to look at him as he had repositioned himself to lay at her side. “I do…believe me I do…but…I…I can’t I need to catch my breath.” She replied as her breathing began to slow. He chuckled at her slightly. “What?”

“Nothing…just damn…I didn’t expect to come home and have this happen.”

Alyssa laughed and rolled to her side letting him pull her against his chest. “But you wanted it to happen right?”

“Something along those lines yeah…”

Alyssa giggled and rested her head against his chest, “Well whatever this is…it’s definitely different isn’t it?”

He gave her a look and nodded in agreement, “Yeah it really is.”
Chapter End Notes:
Thank you to Tri and Mel for all your help. As always feedback makes me happy =)