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After I watched Kevin drive out the driveway I decided that it was time to give the house a good cleaning. The kids had gone to spend the day with Mama Anne so I cranked up the stereo and went to cleaning. I was dusting the furniture in our bedroom and lifted our wedding album up and sat it on the bed. I sat down and began thumbing thru the pages remembering that day. God he was so gorgeous, I could remember the way he smiled at me when he first saw me. I remembered the way he held me in his arms as we danced our first dance as husband and wife. At the back of the album I found the index card where Kevin had written his vows.

"Cass, where do I begin? I stand here before you and I remember the very first day we met. You were so cute and innocent and the guys and I couldn't believe that you didn't recognize us. But I think that's what attracted me to you to begin with. You captured my heart that day and you never let it go. Please don't ever let it go Cass. I can't imagine my life with out you in it. You are what makes me wake each morning and why I do what I do. As long as I know that you will be there with me I know that I can do anything. You give me strength when I need it, unfailing love when I don't deserve it and happiness that I never new existed. I am so glad that you agreed to be my wife, but also not only my wife, but my lover and most of all MY BEST FRIEND. No matter where time takes us or where the road leads just know Cass that I will always be here to protect you and love you. "

A tear slid down my cheek as I closed the book and placed it back on the table next to our bed. I walked into the living room and hit play on the CD player, Kevin had left a CD he had made of songs that we listened to when it was just us. I went in the music room to dust. I took my time sitting at the piano wiping it down so that it was shiny. I knew that Kevin loved that piano so much. I ran my fingers over the keys closing my eyes and seeing him playing it that Christmas night when he sang "Safest Place To Hide" for me the first time. I heard the chime of the clock from the other room and realized that it was already 3:30 and the boys were due to get here around 5:30. Kevin said he would be back between 5 and 5:30 so I made one more sweep around the house to make sure that everything was clean and that all the cleaning supplies were put back away. I went to the bathroom and started the shower. I stood there in the bathroom and turned on the CD player. I undressed and stepped into the hot shower. I let the water run over me and I closed my eyes. I began to think about all the showers that Kevin and I had taken. As the water fell over me I could hear the music, all of a sudden I gotten this sudden sickening feeling come over me. I grabbed my chest and tried to catch my breath, I began to cry. Something was wrong, I wasn't sure what it was, but I had this feeling that something was very wrong. I slid down the side of the shower and cried. I'm not sure why I was crying, I sat there just letting the water hit my body, the water began to turn cool. "OK CASS, snap out of it." I said out loud to my self. "NOTHING is wrong get your self together and get back to reality." I washed my hair and was standing under the shower I heard the announcer on the radio say that it was 4:00 pm. I climbed out the shower and wrapped a towel around me and one around my head. A familiar song began to play on the radio. I sang along, as I got dressed. "Show me the meaning of being lonely, is this the feeling I need to walk with."

Kevin's part came up and I closed my eyes and could see him standing on stage singing. "Life goes on as it never ends." I turned the blow dryer on and began to dry my hair.

I was sitting in the bedroom putting on my shoes when I heard the doorbell ring. I turned and glanced at the clock, 5:00. I got up and started towards the front door when I heard a familiar voice.

Hey, Cass. I'm here." Brian hollered out as he closed the door behind him.

"Hey Bri." I walked over and hugged him and turned to go back to the living room. We sat down.

"I thought I would come over a little early and see if Kevin needed any help before the others' got here."
"He's still out, he went flying today. I thought he'd be back by now." That feeling from earlier began to rise back up my body. "Brian, you haven't heard from anyone today have you?"

"What'cha mean Cass." Brian was looking at the folder of music he had brought with him.

"I don't know, I just have this feeling that something's wrong and I can't put my finger on it."

"Your crazy girl." Brian just looked at me and gave me a smile. My heart began to settle. We heard the other's drive up and I met them at the door. One by one the other guys piled in the living room with Brian. It was 5:45 and I still hadn't heard from Kevin.

"I'm going to kick his butt, he's always fussing at us about being on time." Nick laughed.

"I'm gonna go fix some drinks, what do you guys want." I stood to head towards the kitchen.

"I'll have a glass of tea." Howie and Brian said at the same time.

"Coke for me." Nick stood up and walked over to the window looking at the stream.

"Water here." Howie was fiddling with his cell phone.

"Ok, I'll be right back." I was in the kitchen fixing all the drinks and loading them on the trays when I heard mumbling in the living room. I heard the doorbell ring.

"Brian, can you get that?" I picked up the tray and headed back to the living room. I heard Brian answer the door as I stepped into the room.

"Is this the Richardson home?" I heard the gentleman ask Brian.

"Yes, it is, may I help you." I took a step closer to the door. My body starting tensing and my stomach began to churn as Brian stepped back and aloud 3 gentlemen to step into the house. The sound of the door closing behind them was deafening. AJ stood up and walked over to where I was.

"Are you Mrs. Richardson?" The same gentleman spoke again.

"Yes, sir may I help you?" My voice began to shake.

"Maybe you should sit down." He said waving over to the sofa. I knew. I felt it. My hands began to tremble and the tray began to shake. Brian had come to my other side.

"Here Cass, let me help you with that." AJ took the tray and Brian took my arm and led me over to the sofa and sat down beside me. The three gentlemen sat down, but only one spoke. It was as if I was in a daze. I heard the first few words then my world exploded.

"Mrs. Richardson, there is no easy way to say this, but at approximately 3:47 pm this afternoon we received a distress call from your husbands plane, within a matter of minutes we lost site of him on the radar screen. We are so sorry..."

"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO..." I began to scream, Brian grabbed at my arm as I stood up and went over to the fireplace.

"Mrs. Richardson, we have search and rescue teams out. So far this is all we have. Do they look familiar?" I watched as he held out his hand. A necklace holding a silver locket key and a ring. The thumb ring that had all our names engraved on it. I remember AJ's arms as my world went black.

I could hear voices, where was I? I opened my eyes and saw the picture on the nightstand; It was Kevin, Will, Lexi and I at Disney. I could smell him. I felt the necklace and ring in my hand. I sat up.

"KEVIN, KEVIN, KEVIN..." I began screaming when the words of that man came back to mind.

"Cass, I'm here." Lisa came in the room and took me in her arms.

"NO, I don't want you, I want Kevin." I pulled away and stood up.

"Cass, now come on settle down, everything's going to be ok. They're still looking, they haven't found anything yet."

"Damn it, they found his necklace and his ring, he never takes them off, how the hell can they miss him." I was crying. Nick came in and stood behind Lisa.

"Come on Cass, that don't mean anything, Kevin told me he always puts the ring on that chain and hangs it in front of him in the plane. He says he likes to look at it while he flies." I stood there listening, but I didn't care. That was what had overcome me in the shower. I felt my heartbreaking.

"Come on Cass, come on out here. Everyone is here for you."
"NO, I DON'T WANT EVERYONE I WANT KEVIN." I continued to scream. Anger building in the pit of my stomach. Brian, AJ, Howie and Mama Anne had come into the room now.

"Cass." Brian began to speak.

"NO BRIAN, DON'T YOU DARE SAY IT. HE PROMISED, HE PROMISED ME HE'D NEVER LEAVE ME, HE PROMISED THAT WE WOULD BE GREY AND OLD SITTING ON THAT PORCH WATCHING OUR GRANDCHILDREN RUNNING AROUND. HE TOLD ME, HE TOLD ME FOREVER..." I collapsed to the floor and began sobbing. I heard Mama Anne speaking softly to the others and then felt her arms around me.

"Cass, honey I know this is hard, but you've got to be strong. Lexi and Will need you to be strong." I could hear her voice cracking as she spoke. "Kevin needs you to be strong, Mr. Ingles said that they were still searching and that there was still a chance that they could find him." She began to sob. We sat there holding each other.

"How do I do it, how do I go on without him. He's my everything."

"That's how I felt about Jerald, but honey you'll find the strength. I promise you'll get through this."

"He just can't be gone."
"Honey, we don't know that he's gone, besides I don't want him gone either, he's my baby, but God has a plan for all of us and if this is his plan for Kevin we can't change that."

"But I need him."

"And the kids need you." That's when it hit me.


"Oh God, do they know?"

"No, Jerald and Lacey have them at their house and they are making sure that they are not made aware of anything until they have to be told."

"Oh thank you." We sat there for a while more crying.

"I want to freshen my face and I'll be right out." We stood; I turned to go towards the bathroom.

"Ok, honey, I'll let everyone know."

"Who's all here." I turned back to look at her.

"The boys and their wives, Tim, Jackie and Harold. The boys called their manager and they have gotten in touch with the authorities and no names are being released, and Cass, I won't believe he's gone, till they tell me he is and you need to do the same thing."

"Ok." I turned and headed back into the bathroom. I stepped in the bathroom shutting the door behind me and walked over to the counter. I stood there staring in the mirror, slowly my gaze fell downward, and my body began to tremble. His cologne, his hairbrush, and toothbrush, Tears slid down my cheek. The bottle of bubble bath he always used when he would draw me a tub. I gripped hold of the counter. Quickly I turned and began pacing the floor, all the while talking to myself.

"No, he's not gone, there're crazy. Kevin would never leave the kids, or me he promised. He told me forever." I stopped when I saw his shirt on the floor. It must have fallen behind the door when I was cleaning. I bent down and brought it up to my face I could still smell him. He had worn that shirt this morning. This morning, oh god. We had woke up wrapped in each other's arms. As he turned to wish me a good morning I felt his hand graze my stomach we welcomed the sunrise by making love.

"NO, NO, NO...." I grabbed the shirt and ran out of the bathroom. I ran thru the living room and out the front door past all of our family and friends. I could hear them calling behind me. Tears blurred my vision, but I knew where I had to go. My legs threatened to give way as I ran as hard as I could. I stopped and collapsed to my knees next to Scottie's grave. I held his shirt next to my chest and looked up at the willow branches. The breeze was blowing gently.

"Please God." I cried out. "Please bring him back to me. I can't do this without him."

"KEVIN!!" I screamed. "You can't leave me, you promised me you'd always be here, and you told me you'd never leave. Please boo, I can't." I fell over holding the shirt and cried. I could hear footsteps coming up from behind me. I didn't care. I didn't want to move, I didn't want to breath. I just wanted Kevin.

"Cass." I heard Lisa whisper. I just lay there clutching his shirt.

"Cass, honey, please."
"PLEASE WHAT LISA?" I sat up and stared at here. I could tell she had been crying and I didn't want to yell at her, but what was I supposed to say or do.

"Cass, honey, please come back to the house. Everyone is worried about you."

"I can't Lisa, I can't go back in that house. How do I face everyone? I can't take it. I can't breath in there. Lisa, OH GOD!" I pulled his shirt tighter to me and began to sob. Lisa sank down beside me and took me in her arms. "Lis, he can't be gone. I can't live without him."

"Oh honey, it's all going to be ok. Nick said that they are still searching."

"Lisa, my heart says not to give up. It hurts so badly. Lisa he's everything to me. How do I tell Lexi and Will? How do they go on with out him? Kevin and I were a lot older when we lost our dad's and it's been the hardest thing to deal with. How will they understand at such a young age? I mean, who's going to be there to show Will all the things a dad shows his son. OH GOD LISA, who's going to walk Lexi down the aisle, I can't Lisa, I just can't do this."

"Yes you can Cass, and we are all here to help you."
"Yeah, but you have your own lives, what happens later down the road."

"DAMN IT CASS. We are family and we will always be family. Nick, Brian, Leighanne, Howie, Susie, AJ & Cierra, all the kids, and me we are all here for you and will always be here for you. We don't just come around because of Kevin you know. " Lisa stood up and was towering over me.

"NOW get you butt up and get to that house right now. You know that Kevin would not approve of you acting like this. We are not; I AM not going to let you give up hope yet. We all love Kevin and I know that none of us will ever know what you are feeling, but we have all got to stick together and pray that he is safe and will be returned to us." I could see tears welling up in her eyes. "At least until we have to think otherwise, DO YOU HEAR ME!!!" Her last words stung.

She was right. Kevin would never forgive me for acting like this. I had to believe that he was ok and that he would come back to me, to us. Until someone told us otherwise. I felt something sticking in my hip and I reached in my pocket. There was the necklace and ring that Mr. Ingles had given to me right before I fainted. I reached up and locked the necklace around my neck and placed his ring on my finger. At least I had that to hold onto for now. I stood up and grabbed Lisa pulling her into a hug.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have behaved like this, your right, I have to keep hope alive that they will find him."
"Oh Cass, you don't have to apologize; I would probably do the same thing if it were Nick. Now let's get you in the house and wait for that handsome man of yours to show up. And when he does, boy is he in big trouble." We smiled and headed back towards the cabin to wait for news. Even though we both knew in our hearts that we might have to face reality soon.

As I walked in the door I could see the faces of all the others. They were holding each other and crying. I could tell that Brian was having a hard time. I went and sat down next to him on the couch. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me to him. We both held each other and cried. A few minutes passed and I stood up from the couch and walked over to the bookshelf and took down the picture of Kevin. Clasping it to my chest I turned and faced the room full of people.

"Ok, first of all I want to tell all of you how sorry I am for the way that I acted. Someone has made me realize that I have given up to quickly. Those people don't know our Kevin and he's too bull headed to be gone." A slight smile crossed the lips of those in the room. It has always been a running joke that Kevin would never die because Heaven didn't want him and Hell was afraid he would take over.

"So Brian, would you mind leading us all in a prayer that Kevin is brought home to us safely." We all stood holding hands. Brian prayed

"Now, what's the latest news?"
"We had a call about an hour ago that there was still no sign of him anywhere. They have loaded up all the wreckage and they are hauling it back to the airport so that the authorities can find out what may have caused the crash. Search and rescue will continue until he is found." All the ladies took turns getting snacks and drinks as the night wore on. The boys all paced around. They would try to watch T.V. but something would always remind them of what was going on and they would turn it back off. Tim decided to go check on the kids over at Jerald's and fill Jerald and Tracey in on what was going on. The other boys decided to head into Kevin's studio and listen to the album. All of us knew that they just needed time alone so we let them go.

We all sat around talking about the kids and what was going on in our lives. Mama Anne decided around midnight to go home and try to get some rest. Mr. Ingles had kept his promise and was updating us every few hours every time the phone rang my heart would jump into my throat. How long would it take? Why couldn't they find him? Part of me wanted to go help them look, but I knew my place was there waiting for him.

Days passed. I was growing more and more anxious with no new news being given. It was always the same thing. They either had gotten a new lead or lost the trail they were on. I began to grow more and more frustrated. All the boys and their wives were so great. One of them was either coming by the house to bring food or just stopping in to talk. We had told Lexi and Will that their dad had gone to California to check on the other house and that he would be back soon. This helped alleviate some of their questions. I could tell that Lexi wasn't buying the whole story but she seemed content with the answer's she was given.

I would spend my days cleaning or going thru the closet's to clean them out. I took rides on the horses thru the trails. Everywhere I went, I could see him. I could hear him. Nights I would cry myself to sleep holding his pillow. The week drug on and so did the rescue efforts. It was Friday the 8th of February and my heart was beginning to believe that Kevin wouldn't return. Brian was coming over that day to help me move the bedroom furniture around; I wanted it facing the window so that I could see the stream when I awoke in the morning. The kids had gone over to Nick and Lisa's to play with the twins.

"CASS." I heard Brian yell from the front door.

"Back here Bri." I hollered from the bedroom

"How are you?" He asked toeing the edge of the doorframe.

"Ok, you know. I guess part of me is starting to accept he may be gone."

"Don't you give up Cass!" his body tensed as he spoke.

"I'm not giving up, but let's face it, it's been 8 days. If he was alive they would have found him and he'd be here with me right now." I turned to look out the window.

"Cass, you know that Kevin love's you more than anything." I heard Brian's voice quiver.

"Yeah, and I love him more than anything. Bri, I'll never love anyone more than I love him, But I have to think of the kids. They can't keep going on like this."

"I know, it's just that well, I know that if Kevin is alive he'll find a way back to you."

"Brian, none of us want to admit that he's gone, but we have to move on." I wiped at a tear as it fell down my cheek.

"Cass, Kevin once told me that death itself wouldn't keep him from you. Just hold on for a little while longer?" I turned and saw the tears in his eyes.

"Bri, I'll hold on forever if it will bring him back to me." He was across the room and hugging me before the first sob escaped. We stood holding each other and crying. Slowly we released each other and began wiping at the tears.

"Ok, so let's mover this furniture." Just as the words left his mouth the phone rang.

"Hello." I answered the cordless phone on the nightstand next to the bed.

"This is she." Brian could only hear my answers.

"Yes sir. I understand. No sir. Yes sir, but. Yes sir. Thank you for everything." I hung up the phone and turned to face Brian.

"Who was that Cass."? I tried to speak, but couldn't.

"Cass?" He took a step towards me. Again, no words would come.

"Cass, damn it, your scaring me. Who was that?" As the words escaped my mouth I fell to my knees.

"He's gone, Oh God Brian, he's gone." Brian was in front of me holding me and crying as he realized what I was saying.

"They've called off the search. They are officially declaring him dead."

We sat there holding each other for what seemed like hours. Neither of us knowing what to do or say next. He stood and pulled me to my feet.

"I can't Brian, I can't say goodbye to him."
"It's ok Cass, we'll get thru this."

"No Brian, I can't. OH MY GOD." I screamed as the reality of what had been said hit my head and heart at the same time. I grabbed the blanket on the bed and ripped it off sending it flying across the room. I picked up a pillow and threw it. I began screaming and yelling. Everything within me was going crazy. I wanted to destroy everything around me. Throw things, hit things. "OH MY GOD, I'VE LOST HIM BRIAN, I'VE LOST HIM." I collapsed on the bed and sobbed until I fell asleep. I could feel Brian smoothing my hair and I heard him making the phone calls to tell everyone. I knew that I should have been the one to do that, but how. How could I go on without the love of my life, my husband, lover and best friend? All I could think was how do I take the next breath?