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August 8, 2005

Journal-

The past few weeks have been very hectic. I have been relentlessly trying to get through to Kevin, but have had no luck. Each night I spend time, on my knees, praying for him. My greatest fear is that no one will be able to get through to him and he will overdose or something and wind up dead. What am I to do? Is there anything more I can do? Nick and I spent a few hours discussing the possibilities, of what to do.

On a side note, I can’t believe how much Nick has grown. I mean, one second, I am thinking that he is an adopted son and, the next, I see him in a completely different light. I’m proud of him. I have no doubts, anymore, about putting him in the will.

Back to Kevin…I am loosing my mind, trying to sort things out. When did things go wrong? How did I miss it? None of the family believes me, by the way. Not that I expected them to. Kevin has always been a golden boy. HA! I am so frustrated, that I am having a hard time venting my feelings, even on paper. How often does that happen?!?

So…I guess I am off to bed, for another fitful night of sleep.

-B.T.L.

“You’ve become pretty attached to that journal, haven’t you?” Morgan crawled up, next to me, on my bed. We had left Kevin, tied up, in front of the TV. Morgan had put the recording on a continuous loop….sure, it was cruel, but maybe it would penetrate his thick skull.

“Yeah,” I nodded, closing the book. “It’s my dad.” I shrugged, as I let her see the journal.

“I’m glad you found it, Baylee. I think it has been helping you,” she leaned against me, running her fingers over the leather binding.

“Yeah. It has helped the guys out some, too. Uh, can you believe school starts in the morning? You know what that means, don’t you?”

“Eeew, Baylee, please don’t tell me that you are already getting excited about…” she rolled her eyes as I cut her off.

“Yes, as a matter of fact, I am looking forward to basketball and you should try out for cheerleading. You know you would make the team,” I snickered, nudging her with my elbow.

“Yeah, of course I would, because I am Baylee Littrell’s best friend. That is exactly why I don’t bother.”

“Whatever. We have a dance coming up, too, ya know,” I smiled as I got up and walked towards her.

“Oh no. NO! Not gonna happen. You know I don’t go to those things,” she shook her head furiously.

“You say that every time and, yet, you always end up going with me and Sean.”

“We better go check on Kevin,” she blurted, turning to the door. Before I had the chance to say anything, she was headed down the stairs. Of course, I followed her. As I reached the bottom landing, I saw Morgan watching Kevin from the doorway.

“What have I done?!?” I heard Kevin speaking softly, as I approached Morgan. I snuck up and stood behind her, slinking my arms around her waist, I rested my chin on her shoulder. Kevin’s sobs were quiet, but audible. “Dear Lord, how could I be so dumb? I’ve ruined everything! I miss Kris so badly…and it’s, all, my fault. It’s all my fault.”

“I think it’s working,” I whispered. Both of us, looking through the corner of our eyes, met each other’s gaze. We turned our attention back to Kevin. We had to strain our ears, to understand him, since he was talking so quietly.

“Oh, God, I killed my wife!” his shoulders were shaking violently as his cries got a little louder. “I don’t deserve to live. I’m a horrible person! Please, oh please, dear God. I’m so sorry. I never meant it before, I was so dumb, but now I do.”

“Morgs,” I went to grab her arm, but she had already pulled away. She crouched behind Kevin and silently started to untie him. He jumped, feeling her tug at the ropes. She went around to the front of him and turned off the TV.

“Morgan! Oh Morgan,” Kevin stood and, practically, fell into her arms. I snickered at the look on her face. “What am I going to do?!? I have screwed everything up!” Alright, Morgan knew what she was doing. It was her idea to leave him in front of that TV for over five hours, watching the endless loop. Obviously, the man had cracked!

“Shhh, it’s okay, Kevin,” she rubbed his back as he cried like a baby. I was rather amazed at the display of emotion, from him. Morgan looked at me with a distressed look, on her face. The poor girl didn’t know what to do, now. Looking at my watch, I saw that it was almost 3am.

“Looks, to me, like you will be skipping school,” Nick’s voice floated, into my ear, causing me to jump. Kevin whipped around, furiously trying to wipe the tears from his eyes. He straightened up and cleared his throat, in effort to hide his break down.

“So,” I stepped forward, looking Kevin square in the eyes. Kevin’s eyes drifted down to the floor as the blush, of embarrassment, crept to his cheeks.

“Don’t, Baylee,” Morgan stepped around Kevin and came to my side. Resting a hand on my shoulder, she sighed, “no more harsh words. If he isn’t sincere, this time around, then nothing can get through to him. Okay? Just…be nice.”

“I need some time,” Kevin’s voice cracked as he headed towards the door. Morgan, Nick and I just watched him leave. The room was silent for a long while, all of us staring at the closed door.

“What now?” AJ asked, as he sauntered into the room. “Do you think that was a good kind of ‘I need some time’ or a ‘I need to get stoned’ kind of ‘I need some time’?”

“Let’s hope for the good kind,” Morgan sighed.

“Right, but for now,” Nick cut in and looked at me and Morgan. “Off to bed, the both of you.”

“Alright,” I nodded, just as I broke out into a large yawn. “Let’s go Morgs.”

“Right behind you, Bay,” she nodded and we both left the room. Heading up the stairs, we remained quiet. I gave her a hug and we said our good nights, before heading in to our separate rooms. I sighed heavily, as I stretched out on my bed.

“God? Dad?” I whispered into the, now dark and empty, room. “If you guys can hear me, please help us out, down here. We are trying, so hard, to help Kevin and we are so worried. Please help him. I think Morgan’s little movie helped, but we need a little more than that. So, if you guys can give him a push, we’d appreciate it. Oh, and dad, I really miss you. Tell mom and Aunt Kris that I miss them, too. Good night and Amen.”

Okay, so I sounded a bit dorky, but…knock knock. A soft rapping, on my door, broke me from my thoughts. It wasn’t much of a surprise that it was Morgan who stood on the other side.

“Did I wake you? I can’t sleep,” she whispered, as I pulled her into my room. We both squinted at the bright light that spilled from the ceiling, as I flipped the light switch.

“Nah, don’t worry. I can’t sleep either,” I gave her a small smile as we sat, next to each other, on my bed. It’s kind of funny, how much better I felt, now that she was there. She keeps me from going out of my mind, sometimes!