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Some twenty miles away, Nick and Styx left their vehicle by the side of the road. They climbed over a snow bank and stepped carefully into the woods, shaking the loose, white powder from their boots. Even among the trees, the ground was covered with layers of thick, white snow. Nick could already feel the coldness seeping through his snowsuit and, shamefully, right through his long johns.

For a few minutes, they walked in silence, cutting through the trees. Then the forest thinned, and they emerged in a clearing that looked out on a valley. Nick gazed down, scanning the area. Several steep hills and mountains with turns and curves were laid out before them. He could also see the tracks already set for the bobsled and skiing portions of the tournament. Shelter was sparse, with nowhere to really hide if the wind picked up. What he wouldn’t give to be somewhere warm right now.

Sighing heavily, Nick turned a bit, looking further out across the expanse, trying to look deeper into the woods on the other side, which turned out to be impossible. If anyone were to get lost out there, they would be really hard to find, Nick realized. Even though there were patches of open spots, the woods were thick. If this went into the night, it’d be even harder to find Dr. Rough.

“Hey, hurry up, let’s keep going!” Styx called out, starting to increase his pace, as he ducked back into the trees, trudging uphill.

Nick hurried to catch up with him, when suddenly he saw something out the corner of his eye.

“Hey, did you see that?”

“See what?” Styx asked distractedly.

“That... something…”

Styx stopped and looked back at him. “Something, huh?”

Nick glared at him. “Never mind. Keep going.”

Styx stared at him a moment longer before starting to walk again.

As they walked, Nick looked around cautiously. No way some weird thing was gonna jump out and attack him. No animal cared if the Olympics were going on; international cooperation did not extend to wild animals.

Nick sighed heavily and was just starting to let his guard down, when he saw it again. He turned his head quickly and watched a blur of something huge and brown streak by.

“There it is! It’s Bigfoot! I just saw a fuckin’ Bigfoot man! Go tell someone!” Nick exclaimed.

Styx whirled around. “Nick, Bigfoot don’t exist; everybody knows that.”

“I know what I just saw, and that was a Bigfoot!”

Styx sighed heavily. “I’m not telling anyone anything because you didn’t see anything. Again, they don’t exist.”

“Yeah, that’s what they said about aliens and HimTak, and those are both real!”

Styx started to say something and then stopped. “I’ll tell someone later.”

Nick huffed and stomped after him, refusing to speak until they made it to the top of the peak, at which point he was so winded, he didn’t have the breath to, anyway. As they stepped into an expansive clearing, the Cypress Mountain lodge loomed ahead of them.

“Finally,” grumbled Styx. “Dang, I never expected I’d be hikin’ up a damn mountain for this job.”

“I hear ya,” Nick muttered in agreement, panting.

As they trudged up to the building, Nick noticed the first sign of life: a door opening at the far side of the building’s façade. His already fast-pumping heart began to race as he recognized the short figure that emerged. He pointed wildly, as Dr. Rough made his way out of the lodge.

“Look! It’s him! Hurry, move!” Nick yelled.

They started to run towards him, as, suddenly, out of the same door came what looked like a huge Sasquatch.

Nick came wheeling to a stop, sending a shower of snow flying up from the terrain. “Holy shit, Dr. Rough is in cahoots with Bigfoot! See, I told you they exist!”

“I don’t believe it… I just do not believe it,” Styx moaned. As Dr. Rough and his furry companion disappeared into the trees, he took off running again, and Nick followed.

The two gained ground, making their way closer to Dr. Rough, when, suddenly, Nick’s phone rang. Nick blindly reached into his pocket, pulling out his phone and flipping it open without looking at the ID.

“Not now!”

“Aww, is dat any way to greet your old friend, Nick?” Drums chuckled.

“Drums, you bastard!”

“So quick wit da insults, and just when I gots a special gift for you and your friends, too.”

Nick blinked. “Gift?”

“Pop quiz, hotshot. There’s a bomb on a Zamboni. Once da Zamboni goes five miles an hour, the bomb is armed. If da Zamboni drops below five, it blows up. What do you do… What do you do?”

Nick stared ahead blankly for a moment, looking over at Styx, his eyes widening at the realization.

“You…”

“Ah-ah-ah! Careful wit da insults, Carter; I may start to take offense. If I were you, I’d be worried about dat bomb going off. Dat little skater’s gotta be done right about now – done or blown up, I should say – and da ice gonna need cleanin’, eitha way. Tell dat wildcat behind the wheel not to slow down, though, or there won’t be an ice rink left to resurface! And Nick… don’t slip.”

The line went dead.

Nick flipped the phone closed. “Shitballs!”

“What? What is it?” Styx asked anxiously.

“A bomb. There’s a fuckin’ bomb on the Zamboni back at the Coliseum. It’s gonna explode if it goes below five miles an hour!”

“Shit!”

Nick flipped the phone back open, pressing a couple of buttons.

“Nick?” Diamond sounded breathless. “She did it, Nick; it’s okay! She did her routine, and we got her off the ice safely. We’re-”

“Diamond – Di, listen,” Nick said sharply, stopping her in mid-sentence.

“What’s…?”

“A bomb – there’s a bomb on the Zamboni.”

“What?! But… the Zamboni just drove onto the ice!”

“Shit. You have to tell the driver: Five. Stay above five miles per hour, or it’ll explode.”

“Fuck!”

“Be careful, Di,” Nick stated.

“No kidding.” Diamond cursed and quickly hung up.

Nick shoved the phone back into his pocket as he wound through the trees after Styx. They burst into another clearing just in time to see Dr. Rough on a bobsled, taking off down the snow-covered hill. Behind him sat…

Nick squinted, his eyes widening when he realized what he was looking at wasn’t really Bigfoot, but Drums – Drums, in a Sasquatch costume, the head gone now. It was one of the Olympic mascot suits, he realized – Quatchi, the Sasquatch one Lancy had mentioned the other day. Nick frowned in disgust. He couldn’t believe he’d mistaken that thing for the real Bigfoot; it was too cutesy. Sure, it was brown and all, but that was where the similarities ended. No Bigfoot would be caught dead in blue earmuffs, and that smile – Bigfoot would’ve been insulted.

“Hurry up; we’ve got to catch them!” Nick yelled.

“But how? They’re on a damn bobsled,” Styx groaned.

Nick scanned the area, his gaze stopping on a lone bobsled. A grin spread over his lips.

“Looks like we have our own ride. C’mon!” Nick called, and they both headed over to the bobsled.

They pushed the sled a little ways before it picked up speed. Then they both clamored to get in, as it sped down the hill.


± ± ±


“Fuck!”

Lancy looked over at Diamond, alarmed. His heart was still pitter-pattering feverishly from the adrenaline rush Kim Yu-Na’s dynamite – yes, pun intended – performance had given him. He didn’t think he could take any more excitement, yet as she clutched her phone to her ear, Diamond looked positively aghast.

“No kidding,” she muttered and snapped her phone shut. “Fuck!” she hissed again.

“Darling, language! What now?”

She lowered her voice to a low murmur and said, very rapidly, “That was Nick. The Zamboni’s been rigged with a bomb. If it drops below five, it’ll blow!”

“But… the Zamboni’s already on the ice!” cried Lancy, pointing. The ice resurfacer was currently rounding the far side of the rink.

“We’ve got to stop it – well, not stop it, but – you know – disarm it!”

“Well, here it comes…” Lancy watched the Zamboni crawling along the opposite wall, gaining speed as it navigated the long stretch of ice.

Diamond took a deep breath. “I’m on it.”

Lancy stared, startled, as she suddenly hurtled over the wall of the rink and took off running across the ice. “Ohh girrrl, you should’ve worn flats!” he gasped, cringing as he watched her high-heeled boots slipping and sliding beneath her. He clamped his hands over his face, peeking out through his fingers as he waited for the inevitable wipeout.

He heard the crowd gasp along with him as, sure enough, Diamond’s right food skidded out from under her. She twisted on her left heel with so much force, it, too, slid off the ice, and for a moment, Diamond was spinning in midair. “Oh no!” whimpered Lancy, clawing at his face, but to his astonishment, she managed to land on her right foot, her left leg flying out behind her.

“Wow,” came Yu-Na’s voice from behind him. “That was perfect double axel!”

“I know, right?!” squealed Lancy, clapping his hands to his mouth in shock. “I never knew she had it in her!” Suddenly, he had an idea. “Give me your skates!”

Yu-Na’s porcelain face creased in confusion. “What? My…?”

“Your skates, yes!” Lancy hissed impatiently. “Give them to me!”

“O-okay…” Yu-Na bent over to unlace her right skate. Lancy sank down and grabbed her left foot, jerking it onto his knee while he tugged at the laces.

A minute later, he was flying across the ice himself, the skates swinging dangerously from his hands. “Diamond! Diiiii! Here! Take these!”

Diamond was still skidding across the ice, making little ground as she struggled to catch up to the Zamboni. At the sound of Lancy’s shouts, she looked back over her shoulder – and lost her balance completely. This time, there was no catching herself, as her legs twisted around each other, and she fell hard on the ice.

“Ow!” she moaned, massaging her hip, as Lancy slid down beside her.

“Put these on!” he cried breathlessly, thrusting the skates toward her. Grunting in discomfort, Diamond wrenched the boots off her feet and replaced them with Yu-Na’s skates.

“What are these, kid sizes?” she protested, as she forced her heels down into the narrow skates. “Why do Asians have such damned dainty feet?!”

Lancy giggled. “You’re no Cinderella, sweetie,” he quipped, “but they’ll do. Hurry and lace them up; we’ve got a Zamboni to intercept!”

He helped Diamond tie the laces and then pulled her to her feet, sliding a little himself. “Much better,” said Diamond as she straightened up, sinking her blades into the ice. “Hold on to my hips.”

“Nicky’ll be jealous,” tittered Lancy, as he secured his hands around Diamond’s waist. She skated forwards, quickly picking up speed, and Lancy slid along behind her on the slick soles of his shiny, new Gucci shoes, holding on for dear life.

As the Zamboni made its turn, rounding the curved edge of the rink, Diamond shot across the ice to meet it. “Stop!” she cried to the driver, slapping the side of the ice resurfacing machine. “Stop this Zamboni! Stop!”

“Get off the ice; you ain’t no figure skater,” scoffed the driver, speeding up.

“No!” shouted Diamond. Lancy took a faceful of ice shavings as she ground her skates into the ice in her haste to catch up to him. He clung to her waist, towed helplessly behind her as she skated after the Zamboni. Finally, she reached out and found a place to grab on to the back, and their two-link chain became three, as the Zamboni pulled them both. “Hey!” Diamond cried, as the driver looked back, scowling. “There’s a bomb on your Zamboni!”

“What?!” yelled the driver, over the roar of the Zamboni’s engine.

“There’s a BOMB on your ZamBONI!”

When the driver still shook his head, pointing to his ears, Diamond looked back at Lancy. “Grab my phone, will you, out of my back pocket? I want you to text on it, ‘Bomb on Zamboni.’ Text it! Text it! Text it!” she cried, as Lancy fumbled for her phone, his other arm tightening around her waist.

If only I were straight, he couldn’t help but think, as his hand groped her firm derriere. I’d enjoy this a whole lot more, and Nicky’d really be jealous!

He slid the phone out of her snug back pocket and started a new text message at once, his thumb moving furiously over the keypad. Diamond let go of the back of the Zamboni and skated furiously, whipping Lancy around the Zamboni and up alongside it. With Diamond skating parallel to the massive ice resurfacer, Lancy held Diamond’s phone out to the driver. He took it, squinting down at the text on the screen, and Lancy saw his eyes bug out of their sockets as he read the words. His foot came off the gas pedal, and Diamond shot past him as the Zamboni started to slow.

“No!” she screamed, whirling around, and Lancy nearly went flying, just barely managing to cling to her waist. “No, don’t slow down! Speed up!” she cried, starting to skate ahead of him again, motioning for him to follow. She slowed down to allow the Zamboni to catch up to her and Lancy and held up her hand, all five fingers extended. “Five!” she called to the driver. “Stay above five!”

This time, he understood. Nodding, he pushed down on the gas pedal. The Zamboni continued at its five-miles-per-hour crawl.

Diamond looked over her shoulder at Lancy. “I gotta get on that Zamboni…”

Lancy arched his perfectly-plucked brows. “You gotta get…? Yeah, yeah, you get on the Zamboni!”

Diamond glanced back at the Zamboni operator. “Drive straight!” To Lancy, she said, “Let go.”

“What?! Wait a minute… what are you-?”

“Let go!” She reached back, took hold of both Lancy’s hands, and pried them off her hips in one swift motion.

“Whoa! Whoooooa, shit!” screamed Lancy, as his feet slid wildly under him on the ice. He tried to watch as Diamond skated closer to the Zamboni. “Whoa, shit!” Diamond made a flying leap and landed half on the Zamboni, her legs dragging on the ice, but watching this had cost Lancy what little control he had left. “WHOOOA SHIIIIIT!” he cried, as he skidded head-on into the wall of the rink.

Diamond pulled herself up onto the Zamboni, perching next to the driver on top of the water tank. “Hi, I’m Desiree,” she smiled. “Don’t mind me; just keep driving and stay above five, whatever it takes.” With that, she whipped out her phone again and pushed a button. Almost instantly, she was connected with Pearl.

“Hi Pearly, it’s me again. Sorry about being short with your earlier. Listen, dunno if you’ve heard, but that flipping sociopath midget rigged a bomb to the Zamboni here at the figure skating arena. It’ll blow if it goes under five miles an hour. I managed to get on the Zamboni-”

“I know; I’m watching NBC.”

“-so I’m hoping you can help me diffuse it. Where do we start?”

“Check the speedometer,” Pearl said at once. “Has it been effed with or loosened? See any wires or anything?”

Diamond put her hand on the driver’s thigh, nudging it aside. “Watch out, big boy.” She ducked under his legs to look. “No, it’s clean.”

The driver glanced down. “Huh?”

“Alright, then it’s gonna be under the Zamboni. Probably was rigged to one of the axles,” Pearl said wisely.

Diamond clucked her tongue impatiently. “I can’t get under the Zamboni right now, Pearl; it’s kind of in motion!”

“Alright…” Pearl’s brilliant mind was clearly fast at work. “Then here’s what we’re gonna do… Where’s Lancybassy?”

Across the rink, Lancy pulled himself up painfully from the ice, rubbing his tender backside. “That’s gonna leave a mark,” he lamented pitifully. “My poor tush…”

“Lancy!”

He turned around; Diamond was on board the Zamboni and circling towards him. “What’s up, babe?” he shouted, as she grew near.

“I need you to find me a luge!”

“Find a what now?”

“A luge! You know, like, one of those sled things that go down a track? I need something low to the ground, almost flat – something that will sit right on the ice. Pretty please?” begged Diamond, batting her eyelashes.

“You know that face would work much better if I were straight,” huffed Lancy, half-limping, half-shuffling after the Zamboni to keep up with her. “But I can never say no to you, darling. I’ll see what I can find, but you’re sooo gonna pay my chiropractor bills for this.”

“Eh, make K cover it – workman’s comp and all. I’ll do better – a day at the spa, just you and me!” trilled Diamond, as Lancy hobbled and skidded off the ice, still massaging his tailbone.

“It’s a date!” Lancy called over his shoulder, as he stepped gingerly out of the rink.

In the kiss and cry area, he looked around and suddenly realized the bench he’d left Yu-Na sitting on was empty. “Ohmygod, Kimmy?” he gasped, fearing the worst. “Oh pretty please, not again… Kimmy?! KIMMY?! NOOOOO!!!” He let out an agonizing howl, dropping to his knees once more. “How could I let her out of my sight?! He’s taken her again! Come back, Kimmy, come back!!!”

His eyes flitted frantically in every direction, until suddenly, he spotted movement in the tunnel at the end of the rink, where the resurfacing machines came on and off the ice. This was not another Zamboni, though; it was a mere shadow, disappearing into the hidden depths of the tunnel.

“KIMMY! Don’t worry, Kimmy, I’ll save you!” cried Lancy, and he took off at a trot, his hands flapping fretfully. Around the perimeter of the rink, he pranced, and into the tunnel. He could hear footsteps pounding against the concrete ahead of him, and he tried to pick up his pace, wishing he hadn’t eaten the soft pretzel and snow cone that were now sloshing around in his stomach. “Ugh! This is my cardio for the day!” he complained to himself, feeling the perspiration clogging his pores.

As he rounded a curve, he caught sight of the shadow turning the corner up ahead. “FREEZE!” he ejaculated in the toughest badass voice he could muster, plucking the pink silk carnation from his jacket. It looked like any other boutonniere, but it was a trick flower, a secret weapon modified by Pearl. One squeeze in just the right place, and it squirted a scalding faceful of pepper spray. He held it out in front of him as he crept closer to the blind corner.

“Pop quiz, assface,” Lancy lisped saucily. “You’ve got a flower full of mace aimed at your head. What do you do? What do you do?” He stepped around the corner, flower first. In the eerie, fluorescent lighting of the otherwise dark service corridor, he saw only a large-headed silhouette at first. “Turn around!” he demanded. “TURN AROUND!”

The shadowy figure turned slowly… and as Lancy’s eyes adjusted to the light that fell upon it, his jaw dropped open.


± ± ±