I couldn’t help wonder if we were there yet.
The last time I flew somewhere cold was due South,
With K’s Country Cousin and his smart-aleck mouth.
“Are we there yet?”
K’s head whipped around so quickly, Nick wouldn’t have been surprised if he’d given himself whiplash. He returned the familiar look K shot him – “The Dirty Brow,” they’d taken to calling it around HimTak – with a big, cheesy grin. Agent K was not amused. “Don’t you start,” he warned Nick dangerously, wagging his finger. “Don’t you dare start, 008, or I’ll pull you off this mission and put you on a plane back to Nevada before you can say ‘Are we there yet?’ again.”
Nick raised his eyebrows. He was tempted to test that theory, but sensed it would be wiser not to push his limits this time. K had been in a downright foul mood ever since Pearl had unleashed the K-Bot. “Bah humbug,” Nick muttered under his breath instead, making a face at K’s back as he turned to face forward again. Bored, he glanced out the small window of the agency’s private plane, but he could see nothing but a sea of gray clouds. It was going to be cold in New York, and Nick hated the cold. But at least it would feel more like Christmas than it ever did in the desert or his native Florida. Nick loved Christmas and all the fun that went with it – Christmas trees, mistletoe, snowballs fights, hot cocoa (shaken, not stirred), and especially Christmas carols. Christmas was the one time of year that he could sing and count on others to sing along, instead of give him strange looks. He decided to test this theory instead.
“On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,” he started, winking in Diamond’s direction.
She beamed back and sang, “A partridge in a pear tree.”
“Oh no,” Nick heard K groan, as he continued on to the next line.
“On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…”
“Two turtle doves,” sang Diamond and Lancy in harmony, Diamond’s sweet soprano voice blending nicely with Lancy’s deep bass, “And a partridge in a pear tree.”
“Nick…” K growled, but Nick ignored him.
“On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…”
“Three French hens,” Pearl joined in via the video feed on Nick’s watch. “Two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree.”
“I’m warning you, 008…”
“On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…”
“Four calling birds…” Red’s face now appeared alongside Pearl’s on the tiny screen. “…three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree.”
“So help me, I will turn this plane around!”
“You say that every time,” said Nick, grinning as he called K’s bluff. “On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…”
“FIIIIIIVE GOLDEN RINGS!” belted Jay, bumping the ceiling as he threw his arms into the air.
K gave him an incredulous look, as if to say, Not you too!
On and on it went, until even sullen Emerald was singing along. With all of his agents counting down the twelve days of Christmas and the gifts given on each, K had no choice but to join in the caroling. “…and a partridge in a pear tree,” he finished grudgingly, much to Nick’s glee.
“See how singing helps to pass the time?” remarked Nick, clapping K on the shoulder. “Let’s do another one! Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer…”
“OHH, no, Carter, no way!” K cut him off quickly. “You keep that up, and I’m going to duct tape your mouth shut.”
Nick grinned. “I’ll still be able to hum!” he announced and did a demonstration by humming the tune he had just been singing.
“Knock it off!”
“This is the song that never ends… oh, it goes on and on, my friends!”
“I’m serious! If you don’t stop now, I’m sending you home… in a body bag!”
Nick snickered. K was frowning so deeply, his brow had started to twitch, almost like Dr. Rough’s eye. Not wanting to give his boss a stroke for Christmas, he stopped singing and looked out the window again. The clouds had started to part, and he could see patches of ground far below. “Hey!” he exclaimed. “I think we’re almost there!”
That we’d arrived in New York, and it was time to bounce,
We took a few moments to sit down and think,
Of where we might next find that evil eye’s blink.
Upon landing, they took a shuttle into the city and checked in to the Plaza Hotel, one of New York’s finest. Nick had to hand it to K and Jay – the powers that be enjoyed the finer things in life and had spared no expense in ensuring that their stay in the city would be comfortable. “Merry Christmas to me,” said Nick when he saw the fully-stocked mini-bar in his room, realizing anything he charged would be on HimTak’s dime.
But there was no time to enjoy the cushy accommodations. Nick had barely set down his suitcase when his cell phone rang. Seeing “Grandma” flashing on its screen, Nick groaned. “I just saw you five minutes ago in the lobby, K, what now?” he answered, annoyed.
“And if you’d listened five minutes ago in the lobby, you would have heard me tell the group to meet in my room in five minutes. Which means NOW, Carter.”
“I’m coming, I’m coming.” Nick hung up, then had to call back to find out K’s room number. When he finally made it to K’s suite, the rest of the agents were waiting.
“Took you long enough,” sneered Emerald, back to her usual Grinch self.
“I’m here now,” said Nick, shrugging, as he flopped down onto one of the loveseats, draping his long legs over the arm of the couch and dropping his head into Diamond’s lap. “So what’s up?”
“K was just saying that we need to figure out Dr. Rough’s next move, find out where FANS plans to strike next,” said Diamond, stroking his blonde hair. “It’s Christmas Eve, so if he is planning to steal Christmas, tonight’s the night.”
“We have intelligence that there’s been an increase in home invasions and robberies on Long Island in the last two weeks,” added K. “One witness described a Hispanic man dressed as Santa Claus who had broken into her house and tried to steal her family’s Christmas tree. The police sketch looks remarkably like Dr. Rough – lazy eye and all.” He showed Nick a drawing of a man with dark eyes, one of them half-closed.
Nick nodded. “So when you say he plans to ‘steal Christmas,’ you mean literally STEAL?”
“That seems to be his plan, but this is How– I mean, ‘Dr. Rough’ we’re talking about,” Jay reminded them, “and he dreams big. Just robbing a few houses won’t be enough for him. That’s too small, and we all know ‘Dr. Rough’ hates anything small. He’s got to have something else up his sleeve, something huge. I think the Rockefeller Christmas tree is a target, but K thinks he might have something more in mind.”
“Like what?” asked Nick, looking at K, who also appeared to be deep in thought. “I mean, you can’t really steal Christmas, so all you can steal is the stuff that goes along with Christmas, like the big tree…”
“And the gifts that go under the tree…” added K, and that was when the idea came to Nick.
“TOYS!” he blurted. “He’s going to rob a toy store!”
A rare smile spread across K’s face. If there was one thing Nick Carter knew, it was toys. “I think you’re right,” he said. “And not just any toy store… but the best toy store in New York. Agents…” K looked around the room at the most trusted members of his staff. “I’m counting on you to save Christmas. Jay, I want you and Lancy to go to Rockefeller Center to run surveillance on that tree. Emerald and Diamond, I’m sending you to scope out Radio City Music Hall, in case he tries to take out the Rockettes. And Carter, you’re coming with me.”
“Where are we going?” wondered Nick, his heart accelerating in anticipation.
K actually laughed. “Right across the street.”
If it’s Christmas he’s after, it’s the toys he’ll take!
So off we all rushed to the biggest toy store,
Little did FANS know they’d be leaving there sore.
After crossing the plaza for which the hotel was named, Nick found himself looking up at a giant, waving teddy bear, who was holding three massive toy blocks with the letters F, A, and O. The two-story, glass-fronted FAO Schwarz flagship store on Fifth Avenue was dwarfed by the skyscraper set beside it, but in fact, it was quite huge itself, housing fifty thousand feet of fun inside. As they walked through the front doors, ushered in by a living toy soldier, Nick looked around and realized K had brought him to his own personal version of Heaven.
In his Heaven, there was an ice cream parlor and a candy store, chock full of sweets. And, of course, there were toys – toys, toys, toys, and more toys! Looking around, Nick saw walls of stuffed animals, smiling down at him from their shelves. A life-size stuffed giraffe stood, sentry-like, in front of the display, towering over the other animals. Around the corner was the Puppet Park, where he could create his own puppets and put on a show. There were dolls, toy cars, model trains, board games, books, Legos, and entire department devoted to Star Wars. Forgetting entirely about his mission, Nick decided he was never going to leave this place. He would live and die in FAO Schwarz, then haunt the toy store for the rest of eternity.
But there was work to be done. “Time for some recon,” K whispered to Nick, as they walked around the store. “Let’s split up and start scoping the place out. Look for signs of weakness – possible entry points, opportunities for security breeches – and listen for any information as to FANS’ whereabouts or what they’re plotting. Got it?”
Nick nodded. “Got it,” he replied, though he’d only heard half of what K had said. He was distracted by the elevator in the center of the store, which looked like a robot. The digital sign over the elevator doors read, Go-2-Floor-2. Reading it out loud, Nick chuckled to himself. “Go-2-Floor-2… that’s awesome.”
Following his line of sight, K’s eyes narrowed. “I’ll go to Floor 2,” he decided. “You stay down here.”
“Aww… but!” Nick looked at the signs overheard, directing them to the second floor. “The big piano’s up there!”
“I took piano lessons as a kid. I’ve got this,” K insisted. “Let’s meet by the clock tower in one hour.” He pointed to a tall display of trains, topped by a smiling clock face.
“Alright.” With a sigh, Nick watched K board the robot elevator and ride up to the second floor. Then he turned and wandered back into the stuffed animal section. He had always been an animal-lover and was impressed by the lifelike quality of the plush toys. Maybe he’d buy one to take home as a souvenir – or several to give as gifts to his many Carter girls. He slowly browsed the selection, wondering what each of his ladies would like most. For Diamond, he decided on a white tiger – exotically beautiful, but equally deadly. For Red Jewel, a dolphin – sweet, sensitive, and smart, like her. For Pearl, he needed something more offbeat, something innovative and unique. He chose a platypus – unusual in appearance and equipped with a secret weapon, venom-shooting ankle spurs. It was the perfect pet for Pearl.
As he was poking through the bins of plush animals, picking out his presents, Nick started to get the sense that someone was watching him. Several times, he turned around, but saw nothing out of the ordinary. The store had been busy when he and K had first arrived, but since then, the crowds had started to thin, as shoppers headed home to enjoy their Christmas Eve celebrations. There was no one else in this section of the store – no one alive, anyway. Or was there?
Nick’s eyes narrowed as they panned across a row of plush gorillas. They looked so lifelike, from their soft, black fur to their dark, deep-set eyes, gleaming in the soft glow of the colored lights on the ceiling. They gave Nick an eerie feeling. Then he saw that someone had placed a green elf hat on one gorilla’s head, and he relaxed, smiling. “Aww… what a cute little Christmas ape,” he cooed, reaching out to chuck under the gorilla’s furry chin. The fur was coarse and warm, like a real animal. And if Nick hadn’t known better, he would have sworn he could feel the gorilla’s breath on his fingers. But that was silly. Stuffed animals didn’t breathe. He was probably just standing under an air vent.
But as he withdrew his hand and took a step back, he suddenly stopped. Had he just seen the gorilla blink? He bent down, peering directly into its eyes. And that was when he realized: he wasn’t staring at a stuffed animal. He was nose to nose with another person… a person who looked remarkably like a gorilla… and also somewhat familiar. But Nick knew better than to react right in front of the imposter. “Merry Christmas, Mr. Gorilla,” he said cheerfully, forcing a smile onto his face, and straightened up. He turned and walked away slowly from the stuffed animal display, the platypus, dolphin, and tiger tucked safely under his arms. But the moment he was out of sight, he let the stuffed animals fall to the floor and reached for his cell phone.
“K!” he hissed, once K had answered his call. “I saw something! One of Dr. Rough’s minions is here, hiding among all the stuffed animals.”
“Which one?” asked K.
“I dunno… the one that looks like a gorilla.”
“That would be Wood,” said K at once. “Good work, 008. Stay where you are, and don’t let him out of your sight. I’ll be down shortly.”
With that, he ended the call, leaving Nick to wait and watch for any sign that Wood would try to escape. But he wouldn’t; Nick knew that. No doubt, Dr. Rough had sent the minion to hide inside the store until it closed. Then he would be perfectly positioned to let in the rest of the crooks after everyone else left. It wasn’t a very original plan, but it just might have worked, had Nick not spotted him. “What now?” he asked K, once his superior had come back downstairs.
“Well, we really have two choices, don’t we? We could apprehend him now and haul him in for questioning. Or we could wait to see what he’ll do and hopefully catch him and the rest of the culprits in the act.”
“I say we wait,” Nick suggested, seeing the potential for fun. “I’ve got the perfect plan.”
They had only an hour until closing, but it was enough time. As K used his credentials to ensure cooperation from the store owner and the New York Police Department, Nick scoped out the rest of the store, plotting and scheming. Once the last shopper had been escorted out, he put his plan into action.
He tied buckets of Play-Doh to jump ropes and rigged them over the escalator. He strategically parked Hot Wheels cars on the second floor and stacked piles of bricks near the balcony. He slathered the floor of the ice cream parlor in a coating of chocolate syrup and caramel, and in the candy shop, FAO Schweetz, he filled his pockets with jawbreakers. When the rest of his booby traps were set, Nick took a brand new Red Ryder BB Gun out of its box and loaded it with BBs. Armed with the toy rifle, he made his way downstairs to meet up with K.
“You’ll shoot your eye out,” said K, smirking at the BB gun.
Nick grinned back. “I may shoot someone’s eye out, but it won’t be mine.”
“This gentleman’s about to lock up for the night.” K gestured to the kindly old manager, who had allowed them free reign of his store in exchange for catching the crooks who planned to rob it.
The manager nodded. “Again, I want to thank you both for what you’re about to do,” he said, shaking both of their hands. “You see that tree there?” He pointed to a Christmas tree near the entrance of the store. “To show my appreciation, I’m going to let you select an object from that tree that you can take home with you.”
“For free?” Nick asked eagerly. K elbowed him in the ribs.
“For free,” said the manager with a smile. “And if I might make a suggestion…” He led them over to the large tree and plucked a pair of small, ceramic, white birds from its branches. “Take the turtle doves.”
Nick’s excitement grew. “We could have two??”
“Well, two turtle doves. And I’ll tell you what you do: You keep one, and you give the other one to a very special person. You see, turtle doves are a symbol of friendship and love. As long as each of you has your turtle dove, you’ll be friends forever.”
“Wow… I never knew that,” said Nick. “I thought they were just part of a song.”
“They are. And for that very special reason,” said the store manager, as he handed them to Nick.
“Wow… thanks!” Nick turned the turtle doves over in his hand, wondering which special person he would give the second one to. Diamond Divine… Red Jewel… Professor Pearl… Opal Odyssey… Sapphire Siren… so many special ladies in his life. He simply couldn’t decide, so after the shopkeeper left, he put the two turtle doves back on the tree and chose a pink flamingo in a Santa hat instead. It reminded him of the holidays he’d spent in Florida, growing up. He didn’t have many good memories of childhood, but this time of year, he missed his family more than ever.
“You don’t need that,” K chided him, trying to take the flamingo away, but Nick put it in his pocket.
“You heard the man; he wanted us to take something!” he insisted.
K rolled his eyes. “You’re such a child. But I guess I should be grateful – only a kid could come up with something this creative.”
“Yeah, that’s right.” Nick grinned, looking around at his booby traps with glee. K didn’t seem to realize he’d stolen the idea from a movie, but it was better to let his boss think he’d come up with this all on his own.
K shook his head, smiling in spite of himself. “You frighten me sometimes, 008.”
“That’s 00Carter,” Nick corrected.
K said my idea was so brilliant, it was scary.
Though it made me quite happy, getting credit where due,
I wasn’t sure if he noticed this was so 1992.
Once the store was locked and all but the emergency lights had been shut off, Nick and K snuck up to the second floor, where they could spy on the stuffed animal department from the balcony.
“I hope they’re not gonna wait till midnight to strike, or my ass is gonna go numb from sitting on this cold tile floor,” griped Nick, rising to his knees so that he could rub his butt.
“With all that extra cushion you’ve got?” joked K, watching him with amusement. “Patience, 008.”
“00Carter,” Nick grumbled again,
Thankfully, he didn’t have to be patient for long. They had been waiting less than an hour when they heard the first sign of life: the sound of someone… singing??
“Dude, do you hear that?” asked Nick, looking at K, who was frowning.
“Yeah… but it sounds like it’s coming from this floor. Do you think there could be more than one of them?”
“If Dr. Rough’s anything like you, he doesn’t send his minions on solo missions either.” Nick smirked at K, who ignored him.
“Then again, we are on the doll floor. It could just be one of those dolls that talk.”
Nick shrugged. “Maybe – but then, who set it off?”
K’s eyes met Nick’s, his eyebrows raised. “Who indeed…” he mused, a smile spreading slowly across his face. “Come on, 008. Let’s go investigate.”
Nick didn’t even bother to correct him that time. He scrambled to his feet, grateful for the opportunity to stretch his legs.
The agents drew their guns and crept through the darkness, following the soft strains of song. That was no doll, thought Nick, a sense of anticipation swelling in his stomach as the singing grew louder. It was definitely a human voice… or voices, he couldn’t tell. There seemed to be two of them, one male, the other female.
“I’m a blonde bimbo girl in the fantasy world. Dress me up, make it tight, I’m your dolly,” sang the woman.
“You’re my doll, rock and roll, feel the glamour in pink. Kiss me here, touch me there, hanky panky,” added the man.
Following the sound to its source, K suddenly snapped his fingers and pointed. Following his finger, Nick spotted a pink plastic playhouse sitting in the center of the Barbie section. There was a light on inside, and he could see the silhouette of someone moving around. The two agents snuck closer, surrounding the playhouse.
“You can touch… you can play… if you say I’m always yours…”
Nick peeked into a window of the playhouse. A man was sitting inside, his long legs folded like a pretzel so he could fit. Even so, it looked like a tight squeeze. He was holding a doll in each hand and waving them around as he sang, alternating voices. “I’m a Barbie girl… in a Barbie world,” he sang in a high-pitched voice, making the Barbie doll dance and flip her long, blonde hair. “Life in plastic… it’s fantastic! You can brush my hair… undress me everywhere… Imagination, life is your creation.”
“Come on, Barbie, let’s go party,” he had the Ken doll sing in a deep voice.
“Oh, I’m having so much fun!” Barbie squealed from the minion’s right hand.
“Well, Barbie… we’re just getting started…” said Ken in his left.
“Oh, I love you, Ken!”
Then the minion brought his hands together and pressed the plastic bodies against one another. After Barbie and Ken had made out for a few seconds, he pulled Ken back. “Sorry, Barbie, but I think I love men.”
“You’re gay?!” screeched Barbie. “But Ken, how could you? How could you lead me on like that?”
“Sorry, Barbie,” Ken said again. “It’s just that everyone expects so much of me. They expect me to be all tough and manly. If Dr. Rough knew he had a gay minion, he’d kick me out of FANS for sure...”
The minion sighed and hung his head, letting the dolls hang lifelessly at his sides as his shoulders slumped, but not before Nick had snapped a picture of him holding them with the secret camera inside Pearl’s watch.
The flash caused the minion to look up, startled. Nick was ready, his Red Ryder BB gun raised. “Hello,” he said and pulled the trigger.
“OW!” screamed the minion, dropping the dolls as he clapped both hands over his eye. “YOU SHOT MY EYE OUT!”
Nick pumped his fist. “YES! Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!” He leapt to his feet and raced away, counting on the minion to seek revenge. He ran back to the balcony and ducking behind a display, hoping the minion would assume he had gone down the escalator. Hidden out of sight, he held his breath as he heard the minion approach.
The minion didn’t even hesitate before stepping onto the stopped escalator. Nick smiled in anticipation, knowing his plan had worked. As soon as the minion’s foot touched the top step, it slid out from under him. He went down hard on his back and bounced all the way to the bottom of the escalator.
“Nice,” a voice whispered in Nick’s ear, and Nick turned to find K standing next to him, peering over the balcony at the broken body on the floor below. “What did you put on the escalator to make it slippery?”
Nick grinned. “Bubble bath.”
K raised his hand, and Nick slapped him a high-five. It was as if his boss had forgotten all about the K-Bot – a Christmas miracle!
“That you, Knight Rider?”
The two agents looked down in time to see the second minion, the one that looked like a gorilla, scampering over to his fallen friend. He was dressed like an elf from head to foot, which made him look slightly less ape-like, but Nick was still surprised his knuckles didn’t drag on the ground.
“Jon! You okay, bro?” He reached out his hand to the first minion, who was also clad in an elf costume, and helped him up. “What the hell happened to you?”
The minion called Jon cracked his back painfully, still holding his wounded eye. “It was 00Carter. He’s here in the store. He shot my eye out with a BB gun!”
Yeah, that’s right, bitch! thought Nick, smiling to himself. I’m Carter… 00Carter. Remember my name and fear it!
“Are you shittin’ me?! How the hell did he know we was gonna be here?” asked the other minion, Wood, in a thick Boston accent.
“Beats me, but our plan’s a bust if we don’t get rid of him before we do anything else.”
“Well, where’d he go?”
“I dunno, Danny. He’s down here somewhere, I think.”
“We gotta find him! Spread out. I’ll go this way; you go that way.”
The pair of evil elves took off in opposite directions, nearly colliding with each other in their haste. Watching the chaos play out below, Nick couldn’t help but snicker.
No Rough did appear, just two elves in our sight.
One had a narrow face and the other a goatee,
One called the other Jon, the other said Danny.
They were dressed like morons – I mean, jolly old elves,
And I tried not to laugh at them, in spite of myself.
He watched as Jon limped to the front of the store, still clutching his eye. The minion stalked among the shelves, walking up and down the aisles, searching behind each checkout counter and around every display. He inspected the Christmas trees at the entrance, ruffling their branches and poking at the ornaments. Nick’s breath caught in his throat as he saw the minion’s fingers close around one of the turtledoves.
As that dumbass Jon reached for the two turtledoves.
Nick heard the kindly old store manager’s voice in his head, saying, “You see, turtle doves are a symbol of friendship and love. As long as each of you has your turtle dove, you’ll be friends forever.” He knew he couldn’t let a villain take something so pure.
“I’m up here, you morons!” he shouted over the balcony. “Come and get me!”
“Nick, what are you doing?” Kevin hissed.
Nick just smiled. “Watch and learn, K.”
Within seconds, both minions were standing below the balcony, staring up at him. He had them right where he wanted them.
“Let’s kill him!” growled Jon, but Danny caught his arm and pulled him back.
“Hold on, pea brain,” Nick heard him say. “We been busted before because we underestimated that blonde bundle of misery.”
“Bundle of misery?” Nick laughed back at them, reaching for one of the cardboard bricks from his pile. “I got a bundle of misery for ya!” And he lobbed the brick over the balcony.
The brick struck Jon smack dab in the forehead, over his already-injured eye. He staggered backwards, clutching his face.
Nick grinned at Kevin. “Direct hit!”
Danny glared up at Nick. “Okay, prick! You wanna throw bricks? Go ahead! Throw another one!”
So Nick did. It, too, struck Jon in the head, knocking him to the floor.
“If you can’t do any better than that, you’re gonna lose!” taunted Danny, beckoning as if to say, “Bring it on.”
“Danny…” Nick heard Jon’s weak plea, but that didn’t stop him. He threw another brick, connecting with his target once again.
“You guys give up?” he called down to the minions. “Or are you thirsty for more?”
With a growl, Danny charged at the escalator, ignoring Jon’s feeble warning.
“Danny…”
Danny made it halfway up the escalator before he encountered the slippery bubble bath, but the effects were the same: his foot shot right out from under him, and down he went, head over heels, all the way back to the bottom.
“Watch out,” whimpered Jon dazedly, “the stairs are slick.”
“Yeah, thanks for warning me!” grumbled Danny, kicking Jon in the face as he struggled to his feet. “Don’t worry, there’s another escalator in the back. Let’s go!”
This was exactly the move Nick had been counting on them to make, and he was prepared for it. As the minion elves disappeared beneath the balcony, hightailing it for the back escalator, he raced across the second floor, knowing he would beat them there. Here was where he had tied buckets of Play-Doh to long lengths of jump rope. Hidden behind a display at the top of the escalator, he held one of the buckets tightly and listened to sounds of the minions approaching. When he heard them scrambling up the escalator, bickering and cursing the whole way, he swung the bucket of Play-Doh out from behind the display and gave it a push.
“Heads up!” he heard Danny shout, but the loud smack and thump that followed told him someone hadn’t ducked in time. “Don’t worry, Jon, I’ll get him for ya!” Danny vowed, but Nick had already unleashed his second bucket. The “OW!” he heard let him know he’d hit his mark again.
“YES!” Nick hissed.
But the minions weren’t about to give up yet. As they cautiously climbed the escalator, eyes searching the ceiling for falling objects, Nick dodged the fleet of Hot Wheels cars he’d arranged on the floor and hid himself long enough to watch them step on the toy cars, which skidded out from under their feet and sent both minions flying backwards. They slammed to the floor, landing flat on their backs. Sure that the wind had been knocked out of them, Nick snickered to himself and took off running again.
The minions chased him, but he tripped them up with handfuls of jawbreakers, which, when scattered on the floor, were more than just a choking hazard. Once again, the bumbling elves wiped out on the hard floor. Their bodies had to be aching by now, but they were nothing if not determined. They pulled themselves up again, and the chase wound its way through the second floor to the center of the store, where Nick allowed himself to be seen stepping into the elevator.
When he exited on the first floor, Nick turned around and shouted, “Down here, you idiots! Come on and get me before I call the police!”
Little did they know the police were already in on his plot. All they were waiting for was the signal from Kevin to bust in and arrest the two crooks.
“Let’s get him!” cried Jon, turning to run back the escalator, but Danny grabbed his arm and stopped him.
“Wait, wait. That’s just what he wants us to do, is to go back downstairs through his funhouse and get all tore up. Come on.”
Jon balked as Danny punched the button for the elevator. “Elevator? I’m not taking the elevator!”
“Why, Jon, you afraid?” Danny taunted.
“What if he cut the cable?!”
“We just saw him go down in it, dumbass! If he’d cut the cable, it would have crashed!” yelled Danny, smacking Jon upside the head.
Of course, it had occurred to Nick to cut the cable, but he’d never seen a robot elevator before. Go-2-Floor-2 was just too cool to break.
Danny convinced Jon to take the elevator down, and the chase continued on the first floor, where the minions skidded across a sticky layer of caramel and chocolate syrup in the ice cream parlor, then followed Nick into Puppet Park, the muppet workshop. Hopping a trip wire stretched between two low shelves, Nick hunkered down to wait and watch his most intricate prank play out.
The two minions stormed in behind him, not bothering to look down until they had already tripped the wire. The wire pulled the triggers of two hot glue guns, one on each side, which doused their heads in piping hot glue. As the glue dripped down their faces, scalding their skin, a bag of stuffing was unleashed over their heads. Feathers and bits of white fluff rained down upon them, sticking to the glue. Even the gorilla-like Danny looked more like an ugly bird than an elfin ape now.
“NOW YOU’RE DEAD!” Danny screamed, but Nick just laughed and ran off, counting on them to keep chasing him.
They must not have realized that they wouldn’t get far,
‘Cause onward they went, all through the shop,
Finding more of my traps at every last stop.
I looked down from above as they walked under my feet,
Now it was time to choose which one to beat… up.
“Think they’ve had enough?” K asked Nick, as they stood on the second floor balcony, watching the minions battle through another one of Nick’s booby traps down below.
Nick grinned. “It’s never enough! But if you wanna call the cops, go ahead. They’ve already tripped most of my traps.”
K shook his head. “You are one of a kind, 00Carter. Who knew your childish antics would come in handy one day?”
Nick’s heart – and head – swelled with pride. “Who knew you’d finally get my code name right one day? Thanks, K!”
K rolled his eyes, then placed the call to the NYPD, who were already stationed outside, surrounding the store. Once they got the signal, the police stormed in and quickly overpowered the battered, bedraggled, beat-down minions.
“Wow, this is great,” whispered Nick, as he watched Dr. Rough’s minions being led out of the store in handcuffs. He and K took Up-2-Floor-2 downstairs and were about to follow them out, when K suddenly stopped.
“Hey, Nick, wait a sec,” he said, just inside the entrance of the store. As Nick watched in confusion, K wandered over to the Christmas tree and took off the two turtle doves. “I thought we should take Mr. Schwarz up on his suggestion,” he said, handing one of them to Nick. “You take that one, and I’ll keep this one. As long as each of us has our turtle dove, we’ll be…” K swallowed. “…friends forever.”
“Friends forever?” Nick repeated, raising his eyebrows. “You mean you’re not still mad about the K-Bot? Or about my singing on the plane? Or about that time I wrecked the Cartermobile in Canada and rented a Hummer? Or the time I got you shot at Disney World? Or the time I sneezed and almost got your cousin killed in Antarctica? Or the time I accidentally shot a barrel of Phoenix Suicide and destroyed Drums?”
K’s eyes met Nick’s, looking serious. “I got over it,” he said. “All of it.” Patting Nick’s shoulder, he added, “I know I’m hard on you, Nick, but it’s only because you’re one of my best agents, and I expect the best out of you. And I’ll admit, though your methods are unorthodox, you usually deliver.”
Nick smiled. “Thanks, K,” he said, running his finger down the turtle dove’s smooth back. “Thanks a lot.”
K smiled back. “You’re welcome.” Then he added, “You’d better get started on cleaning up the mess you made in here. I promised Mr. Schwarz we’d leave his store looking the same way we found it.”
Nick’s mouth dropped open in disbelief. “Wait, WHAT?!”
“Merry Christmas, Nick!” K called over his shoulder as he walked out of the store.
Nick jogged after him. “Aren’t you at least going to help me?”
K shrugged a shoulder. “This was your idea. We could have just detained them on the spot and been done with it, but no, you had to go all Home Alone. Never can do things the easy way, can you, 00Carter?”
Not even the correct use of his nickname could keep Nick from pouting. “But… my childish antics are part of my charm!”
K didn’t take his eyes off the squad car into which the two minions were being forced. “You’re certainly behaving like a child who doesn’t want to clean up his room, but somehow, I don’t find it charming.”
Nick rolled his eyes. It was then that he caught sight of something strange in the sky. He did a double take.
I looked up and I saw a really strange flying sleigh.
It was black with red trim and a ferret on the side,
And who should it be but Drums steering this ride.
My laughter unleashed as he lowered his flight,
With antlers on his head and his nose all alight!
“Dude…” Nick elbowed Kevin in the ribs and pointed. “It’s Drumzy the Red-Eyed Reindeer.”
K snorted and shook his head. “You have got to be kidding me. Where does that guy get funding for these over-the-top gadgets? I mean, a flying sleigh? Really?”
Nick grinned. “This is great,” he whispered again, raising his wrist to capture video footage with his watch. This seemed to really rile Drums, who leaned over the side of the sleigh.
“You won this time, jerks, but you’ll still eat our dus’!
We’ll be back for ya all and ya better beware,
‘cuz when we’re through wit’ you, ya won’t gots a prayer!”
“Y’all say that every time, but you haven’t beat us yet!” Nick shouted back, but Drums didn’t hear him. With a burst of flame from the back of his sleigh, he flew off into the night, disappearing between the skyscrapers. “Damn!” Nick swore. “We should have shot that asshole out of the sky while we had the chance!”
But K grabbed at my arm as I started to dash.
“It’s not worth it, Carter,” he called out to me,
“It’s already Christmas, let’s go home to our tree.”
Although very surprised at K’s jolly advice,
I had to agree, and for now it sufficed.
