When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.  The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.  ~Henri Nouwen

 ~ 4 ~ 

Calming Time   

After dinner I gave Kevin some alone time to talk to his wife. It was so weird for me to picture him as a dad. I’m not saying I can’t picture him as a father because in so many ways that’s what he was to me, but I mean a real, full fledged, “this little thing here to my left is my son,” type dad. When I first heard he was going to become a father, I have to admit I had mixed emotions. I know it’s what he’s wanted for so long and because of that I was so happy for him. Then there was the kid in me who was a little jealous. Now that he had his own family he’d just kind of brush the rest of us off to the side as unimportant and by the rest of us, I guess I meant me.

To be fair to him, I was the one that distanced myself from him after he left the group. It wasn’t the other way around and that’s what I did when he had Mason. I kind of left him alone. It wasn’t because I didn’t care because believe me, I did. Sometimes I just don’t know how to act when it comes to stuff like that.

When the time came to finally meet Kevin’s son for the first time, I actually felt sick to my stomach. I’m not sure why. It’s not like I expected the kid to look at me and say “Daddy get him away he’s EVIL!” I’m weird, I know. When I did get a chance to hold him and talk to him, I felt fine. I remember looking over at Kevin and getting choked up by his facial expressions. The loving way he looked down at his little boy. I wonder if my father did that with me. I’d like to think so.

I was just about to take out my phone and start playing a game when I realized we hadn’t called Howie yet. This really would be the perfect opportunity while Kevin was busy and I was bored out of my mind. Just like Kevin and Mason though, I felt equally uncomfortable calling Howie knowing what he was going through.

I really suck in situations like this. What do you say to someone whose father is dying? What could I possibly say to him that would make any sense? Because I get so tongue tied and say the dumbest things, I have kind of avoided talking to Howie once he asked us for time off. The last thing I wanted to do was say something to make him feel like crap.

I’m not sure why I revert back to a small child when anything relating to emergencies happen to people I love. I’m sure I come off looking like a complete and total ass, but I just can’t help it. When Brian went in for his heart surgery I was so nervous I literally sat in the bathroom and threw up the entire night beforehand. Did I bother to call him or see him that night though? No. I know it hurt him that I blew him off, even though to this day he’ll never admit it to me.  I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t bring myself to go see my then best friend lying in a hospital room most likely hooked up to a ton of machines with all his family around.

Even after his surgery, I couldn’t bring myself to see him. It wasn’t until he was home for about a week that I finally got my ass motivated enough to pick up the phone and talk to him. Sometimes I blame that whole incident on our gradual distance from each other. I think it’s more his wife than him, but even still, he probably misconstrued all of that for lack of caring when in fact it was the complete opposite. I cared so much it made me sick.

AJ in rehab was another example of me being too weak to really be the friend I should have been. Seeing him so vulnerable and hurt and mostly dead inside hurt me so deep to the core that I couldn’t even handle it. I balled my eyes out for days, even on national television for God’s sake! Did I bother to go see him while he was in rehab though? No.

When people hurt, I flee and I hate that about myself. I think as I’ve grown up, I’ve gotten better at it and my therapy sessions have helped. Lana (My therapist) told me, one day while we were discussing the reason I fled the house right before my father came to town, that it was an abandonment issue I had.

They really played it down on the House of Carters, but I was missing for such a long time, that they almost called the cops to try to find me. I guess it was three days total. I didn’t even show up for the recording session that day at the studio. That’s when BJ got hysterical and told the guys I had been missing when Brian called to try to track me down. I had shut off my cell phone and left it in my car. After the first day I even managed to ditch the small skeleton crew from the TV show that was following me around. It’s like I wanted nothing to do with anyone. I guess we can call it a good old fashioned nervous breakdown. I don’t even remember much of that time. For all I know I was kidnapped by a cult. A cult of people who did nothing but give me alcohol and lot’s of pot all weekend.

That particular instance was one of the main reasons I ended up in Lana’s office to begin with. The guys were so pissed at me for just not showing up, I thought they were going to kill me. AJ sat me down after that and told me that I should really talk to someone. He’s the one that gave me her number, but it wasn’t until way after the show was over that I finally gave her a call.

When she asked me why I left like that, all I said was I didn’t want to see my dad. There was so much going on between us at the time that it hurt too much to see him. That’s when we traced my history of leaving a situation when it got too hard to handle, right down to all the times my parents would fight and be abusive to each other when I was little. She said that my fear of rejection was so high that I just automatically would take myself out of the equation. It made so much sense. Like with Brian, I was afraid if I went to the hospital to see him they’d turn me away because I wasn’t important enough to be there. So instead, I just turned myself away before he and his family had a chance. 

Lana really helped me which is a good thing because Lana was very expensive!

I rubbed at my face and sighed as I dialed Howie’s number. What’s the worse that could happen? He just tells me he can’t talk right now and hangs up. Actually the best thing that could happen is that he doesn’t answer his phone at all and I can leave him a message. This way the ball would be in his court. Yes, let’s pray to the phone Gods that for once Howie does NOT answer his phone.

“Hello?” The phone gods suck ass.

“Hey Howie.” I whispered.

“Nicky!” He sounded pleasantly surprised to hear from me.

“Yup, I’m sorry… is this a bad time?”

“No, not at all. Actually everyone is inside my aunt’s house. I needed a break so I’m sitting in the trailer.

“Trailer?”

“Yeah, the RV thing.”

When Howie found out his dad didn’t have very much time left, he decided to rent an RV and drive him down to see his family. It sounded like something right out of a movie of the week but yet, it also seemed like the perfect way to spend as much quality time with his father as possible.

“How is that going?”

“Really well, you should see me trying to drive this thing though. I’m lucky I haven’t hit anyone.”

I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or not. I know he was making a joke but if I laugh, do I seem insensitive to what he’s going through? “You can laugh you know, it was a joke Nicky.” Howie the mind reader, I love him.

I giggled, “Picturing you driving that thing makes me smile. Can you even see above the dashboard?”

“Ha-ha, very funny. John and I are taking turns driving but I do a much better job than he does.” There was a light pause in our conversation. “So, what have you been up to?” He asked when he got tired of waiting for me to say something.

“You’ll never guess where I am.”

“Does it involve a lot of naked women?”

“No, sadly.”

“Then just tell me.”

“I’m with Kevin. We’re in the woods camping.”

Another pause while he took that information in. “Really? That’s awesome Nick.”

“Yeah, he invited me out so I said yes. AJ and Brian are going to join us in a day.”

“Wow, sounds like fun.”

I felt bad. I hope he didn’t think we were leaving him out. I knew I shouldn’t have said anything. “We’ll do this again when you’re available.”

“I’d like that.” He said. His manner of speaking was overly calm and relaxed.

“So, how are you holding up?” I asked him.

“It’s hard sometimes but overall I think I’m doing okay. Luckily we’re all here to lean on each other. Dad seems to be having a great time and his spirits are high, so it makes it easier on all of us.”

“I’m glad to hear that.” I nodded and felt a tinge of sadness. Hoke was a great dad to Howie. Is a great dad to him. Whenever I was around him, he always made me feel like I was one of his kids. Both of D’s parents are warm like that. It explains why he’s such a great guy and why I am such a loser.

“So, Kevin is there with you now?”

“Yeah, he was talking to Kris.”

“Is she there as well, with the baby?”

“No, they stayed at home.”

“Wow, I’m impressed he left them.”

“I think Kris is too.” Howie laughed at that.

“I should be getting back inside. I’m sure they’re starting to wonder where I am.”

“Okay, tell everyone I said hello and give them my love.”

“I’m glad you called Nicky.”

I smiled, “I am too. I know Kevin wants to call you, should I tell him to wait until tomorrow?”

“Yeah, maybe that’s a good idea.”

“Okay…” I stopped and then felt the need to say, “Hey D, I love you!”

“I know. I love you too kiddo.”

I felt great after talking to Howie. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. He sounded like he was doing all right and he was happy I called. “Hey there Nickerbocker, what are you up to?” Kevin asked as he walked over to where I was and sat down.

“Nickerbocker?”

“Yup” He seemed very happy.

“How’s the family?”

“Wonderful. Kristin sends her love and so does my son.”

“I doubt Mason said, tell Nick I think he’s the shit!”

“Close, he said something like Dada doodie momma. I translated.”

“Well doodie is very close to shit.”

“True Nick…very true.”

“I just got off the phone with D.”

Kevin seemed surprised at that. “How is he?”

“He seems okay. He sounds very calm, almost too calm.”

Kevin unfolded his long legs and sat back as he nodded, “I understand that calm.” He said.

I looked over at him, “What do you mean?”

“It’s the kind of calm that comes with the knowledge that someone close to you is dying. It’s weird to explain, but it’s like you get yourself to a certain point after all the anxiety and sadness, where you just start feeling this overwhelming sense of calm.” He had this far away look on his face as he continued, “You know that every second you’re with him becomes so valuable that to spend it fretting or crying seems ridiculous. There’s time for that later. I wish I had more of that calming time to spend with my dad.”

“I’m so lucky I haven’t ever had to go through anything like that.” I admitted, feeling dumb for letting small things get to me the way they do. I mean my parents are a mess but at least they are both alive and well.

He wrapped an arm around me and pulled me into a hug, “I hope you never know how it feels Nick.” He let go of me and pat my leg.

“When my grandma died it hit me hard, but it happened fast. We didn’t have to sit and watch her die.”

“Grief is grief.” He answered. “It’s never easy to watch someone you love die.”

“Sometimes I wish we’re all given a little notice when something like that happens, this way we have time to say what we need to say before they go.”

“You mean die.”

“Yes.”

He turned towards me, crossing his legs Indian style, “What would you have said to your grandmother if you had the chance?”

I thought about it for a few seconds. My grandmother and I had a very special and unique relationship. When we talked she was more like a friend than a grandmother. It’s weird, how different my family seems from everyone else’s. Who else would say that if they could pick someone to go to a bar with to get drunk for the first time, they’d pick their grandmother? But I would. She was that cool.

“Probably just tell her that I loved her. I didn’t say that enough when we were together.”

“I’m sure she knew.”

“I hope so.”

“Howie is lucky. I’m sure he doesn’t realize it now, but he’s been given a gift. To be able to have this final time with his dad is so important.”

“I’m happy he is getting to do that too. You know if this was a few years ago, management would have never let him do this.”

Kevin nodded, “I know. The sad thing is, I probably would have given him a hard time as well. I was a real bastard when it came to stuff like this.”

“Kevin, that’s bullshit. You would have let him go. Hell, you probably would have fought with management on his behalf.”

“Maybe.”

“Definitely.”

He smiled at me, “Thanks.”

“It’s the truth.”

He stood up and gave me a hand to do the same. “Well, we’ve had a long day…I think we should hit the sack! Remember it’s an early morning tomorrow.”

“Ah yes, fishing time?”

“Of course!”

“Those fish better watch their backs because Mr. Carter is coming!”

“I’m sure they’re shaking in their boots”

“Now that would be cool, fish wearing boots.”

Kevin shook his head as we ventured into our tent for the night.