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Crisp As Paper

It’s hard to explain really, but I will try to do my best. There was a time that I used to enjoy life. I used to drink it in as if it was chocolate milk. I laughed more than I cried back then. Not that it was all that long ago mind you; I’m only 22, but still…to me, it seems like decades of time have gone by; since I have been truly happy and at ease.

I remember enjoying going outside for long walks with my girlfriend, as we walked our many dogs up and down the corridors of hotels or at a pit stop while the bus driver ran to the bathroom. Sometimes even in a park if we were feeling very brave. Not that going out in public made you brave. Although nowadays I think it might.

Things were so much easier back then, the roar of the crowd as we entered and left a building, the adrenaline rush as we felt the heat of all the swooning girls crying out our names. This was my life. I was happy in it.

Funny how one person can change all that.

The one thing that I kept telling myself, after the funerals and press conferences was I shouldn’t have ignored the paper. She had written me so many times and I always blew them off, every single one of them. Just another letter from another random fan.

The letter they found on her that day was different though, then all the others. At first no one had any plans at all to show it to me but I insisted. I needed to see why a person would flip and shoot at people. Why would someone kill someone else?

I should have never opened it up. The paper was new and crisp and gave me a paper cut as I flipped from page to page.

My darling Nicky,

I paused when I read that thinking it reminded me of a song. Someone forever ago had sung.

I have tried so hard for the two of us to be together. Wanting nothing more than to touch you, feel you, smell you. You are the reason I get up in the morning and start my day. You are the only reason I am still here at all. Don’t you see my love? We are destined to be together forever.

How could I be destined to be with someone I never even met? I had wondered the first time I read it. I have read it so many times in the years since this all happened that I had it memorized now. When I closed my eyes I saw the off white paper in front of me, I felt the burn of the cut it made as I turned the page. Placing my finger in my mouth and sucking on the blood while tears ran down my face.

You and I are meant to be together. My Mother can’t wait to meet you and my grandmother was so grateful for the flowers you sent her on her birthday. You truly are a gentleman.

When I first saw that, I was confused for quite sometime. Maybe I did know this person although she didn’t look familiar and I didn’t recognize her name. Why would I send a total stranger flowers? About a month later, I got my answer when the police said she had written those notes herself. Her grandmother really did get flowers with my name on them but not from me. I wonder how many times my name has been attached to things that I had no hand in? Just thinking that sent chills down my spine.

I remember back when I didn’t feel guilty for laughing and smiling; AJ and I had roamed the internet looking for message boards and chat rooms that discussed us. Chalk it up to idol curiosity or inflated egos but that was our mission. We had stumbled upon one where they said I frequented often. AJ and I fell over laughing. We had decided to go on as other people and ask if any of them actual spoke to Nick Carter.

Person after person came forward confessing that they were friends of mine and had spent late night chat after late night chat talking to me about everything under the sun. I remember hysterically laughing with AJ about that one.

Funny how things change.

Now neither of us even owns a computer anymore. In fact I think we all got rid of ours.

I have a plan my darling…I think you and I should move in together. I know you are hesitant just hear me out…

That made me think of Mandy. We had had almost the very same conversation. She had used almost the very same words. I didn’t really want to take that colossal of a step, which made her mad. She broke up with me shortly after those girls were killed. She said it was a little too intense for her to deal with.

I can stay home for you while you are away. I can watch the dogs, feed the cats and mow your lawn for you. I’ll miss you when you’re gone but then I have something to look forward to. You know me…I need something to look forward to.

Kevin had barged into my hotel room one day after all this crap happened. He called it tough love; he told me I need to stop reading this letter over and over again. He told me it wasn’t healthy for me to dwell on some crazy psychopath’s words. He took it from me and ripped it up.

You need to think about it Nicky. We are quite the pair you and I. Don’t you remember the way you held my hand and called me your beautiful girl? You changed my life that day.

Just like she had changed mine.

I paused from my thoughts just then, like my brain was ready for a commercial break. I stood up and walked over to the window. I mostly kept my blinds closed. You could never be too careful about someone getting to you through your blinds. I found myself wanting to open them up, let some sun in and drip the warmth onto my pale face. I just couldn’t do it. My hands grew shaky and my pulse quickened just at the mere thought.

This was my life now.

I can’t really tell you when it started, not immediately after this whole incident happened but about a month later perhaps. I suddenly found myself panicking at the thought of going anywhere alone. I didn’t want to be in public, I didn’t want anyone yelling or screaming around me and I didn’t want anyone to fall in love with me and kill anybody else.

Brian slept in my room with me for about three weeks following the murders. That’s what they were right? Murders. Let’s call them what they are. He listened to me while I babbled about how I was fine. No need to worry. No harm done. Luckily he didn’t believe me.

The first night he stayed up in my room with the television on blaring MTV in the background as I laid down and pretended to sleep. Kevin and Howie taking turns coming in to check on me while AJ stayed with his Mom in another hotel halfway across town. She didn’t want her son to be anywhere near me. Who could blame her?

Two days after that she lightened up a bit. They came back over to our hotel and three days after that she went home. I still pretended like everything was alright. I was fine and dandy.

“You need to talk about it Nick”

“Why? Will it bring those girls back?”

“No…but still…” I sighed and looked down at the floor. The carpet was red, just like the blood I remember seeing that day. On my finger…on the street. Seemed like blood was everywhere; I couldn’t escape it.

“Nicky…would you feel better if we called your Mom?” Howie said sitting next to me on the bed.

“No…she would just worry even more than she was now. Besides I am fine” They had all looked at each other than, it annoyed me. Back then I had misinterpreted their concern as condescending. I was a stupid kid who didn’t understand things.

I still am.

Kevin had decided to stay in my room with Brian and I that night. He sat on the floor in the corner. “Just make believe I’m not here” He had said in that slow southern drawl that usually put me to sleep.

“Why are you just sitting there?”

“Why not?”

“You are kind of creeping me out”

“Sorry, I’ll move if you want”

“No….that’s okay”

“Try to go to sleep Nick, when was the last time you actually fell asleep?” I couldn’t remember.

Whenever I had dared to close my eyes all I saw was the blood. First on my finger then on the girls. Splattered on the floor and on my bodyguard.

Blood everywhere.

“You are safe” He had said to me as I tried to remember how it felt to fall asleep. I didn’t believe him. I still don’t.

Commercial break was over and my mind once again danced towards that letter. The one I had memorized.

I know you didn’t mean to ignore me all those times I tried to talk to you. I understand it’s important for people to think you are single. They would hate me for being nothing more than me.

I sometimes wonder when she sits in her little padded room, if she even knows the names of the people she killed that day. How one of them was not even 10 years old yet. Her Mom I believe had said that her tenth birthday was just a few short days away.

Everyone hates me my love. Have I ever told you that before? It’s sad but true. Everyone hates me. Not you though…

But I did hate her. I couldn’t even tell you what she looked like, even though I had seen her face everywhere; in the papers, in court, on the news. She was everywhere and I hated her, more than I have ever hated anyone before. In fact, before this woman came into my life, my idea of hate was being angry at someone for making fun of us in a magazine of interview. I always said I hated those people. I didn’t know what I was talking about.

Now I do.

You would never hate me would you Nick? Of course not, because I am your beautiful girl.

The word beautiful took a whole knew meaning for me after that night. It suddenly became its antonym. To be beautiful was to be ugly. One of the reasons that Brian decided it was best to stay with me was because of what I had done with a pair of scissors that very first night.

I walked into the bathroom and started chopping my hair with them. Cutting clumps out as if I were a five year old experimenting with them for the first time. He had barged into the bathroom when I failed to answer his calls and actually gasped when he saw the small bundles of my blonde hair on the floor next to me.

He didn’t leave me alone after that.

So I sincerely hope that you consider the offer I have made to you my darling. I will be waiting right outside for your answer. Until then, I hope you enjoy the bear I bought for you. Hug it when you think of me.

I never saw a bear. The police went on a search for it, but they never found one either. I’m kind of glad. Maybe if the bear didn’t exist then none of this did.

“Nick” I jumped at the sound of AJ’s voice.

“What are you doing buddy?” He asked as he cautiously stepped towards me. They are all very slow in their movements when approaching me now.

“Nothing…just thinking”

“Oh…about what?” He didn’t need to ask just like I didn’t need to tell him. He just knew.

“Do you want me to get you anything before I go?”

“Uh...no that’s okay. Thanks AJ”

“You sure maybe you don’t want to go with me?” They always tried, but it never worked. Maybe one day.

“I’ll pass this time” He nodded and slowly extended his arms towards me. This was the hard part. I slowly stepped into him and let him hug me, even though my brain was screaming to stop.

“You have a goodnight Nick”

“Yeah…you too” He winked as he closed the door behind him. I quickly walked over and double bolted it shut. You can never be too careful these days. I made my way over to the television and put on the Cartoon Network. I hardly ever watch anything else these days. When the bad guys die on this channel, they get up and walk away. No blood anywhere.

So until I see you again my love…

I see her every night. She will never go away.

Your Beautiful Girl…Cassandra

I have never met a Cassandra that was sane.

I suddenly feel a chill knowing that AJ had purposely left a window open. They will do anything to get me move. Instead of going to close it, I drape my quilt over my shoulders and hug it tight against me.

Like a cocoon it will keep me safe. It has too…