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Sharp As Thumbtacks

Sing me a song…just like you used to

It seems like it happened so long ago; so long. My Mom always liked to tease me and tell me that I had NO sense of time. “I swear Laura Ann…you think you could leave this house at 8am and you will magically appear at your destination at the very same time! Now that’s some imagination you have” I would laugh at her. “Mom you are SO silly” I would say as I reached on my tippie toes to give her a peck on the cheek. I loved my Mom

I miss my Mom.

My Mother also always said I was ahead of my time. I was a smart child, always picked by my teachers to help the slower kids in my class. I can’t even begin to tell you the number of times I was told I would make a great teacher someday. That’s what I had every intention of becoming, a teacher.

Even as young as I was, I was a helper by nature.

Yes my life has been reduced to past tense. We just had a test about tenses in school two days before it happened. I had studied with my Mother first, then my father; sitting on his lap in the study while he did his paperwork. I knew he didn’t have the time to help me out, but he did anyway. I hear I got a 100 on it. Go me!

My family was a small one, just Mom dad and me. We didn’t even have a pet. They don’t have anything to help them through, nothing to hug in my absence, not even a goldfish. Not that they would hug a goldfish, but I think you get my point.

They were great parents. Tried their hardest to always give me everything I have ever wanted, without spoiling me too much. Ironically, the only reason I was even in the wrong place at the wrong time was because I was being rewarded.

“If you do well on that English test, your Mom and I will take you to go see those boys you always talk about” I couldn’t even tell you how excited that made me. He was talking about the Backstreet Boys, my absolute favorite group in the universe. God how I loved them.

I had found out they were coming to my town because my best friend Sandy told me so. She loved them as much as I did. Maybe even more. At first I couldn’t believe it; I think I may have even cried about it. I ran home from school that day. Literally ran. Yes I know what the word literal means. I told you, I am smart.

I barged into my house almost knocking the screen door down as I did. My Mom immediately gasped thinking something had to have been wrong. I was all out of breath but also crying. Happy tears, not sad ones. Of course because I could barely talk, my Mother only sensed that something was horribly wrong with me. Good thing I stopped her otherwise I’m sure she would have called an ambulance. I stopped her with one word, like Mother’s always do; she understood immediately what it meant.

It’s a Mom thing I think.

“Brian!” She looked at me and smiled.

“Let me get you some water sweetheart and you can tell me all about it” She had walked over to the faucet and poured me a glass while I sat down and tried to gain my composure.

Yes, Brian was my favorite. There were so many reasons. Most of the girls in my class liked Nick best, but for me, there was just something about Brian and his smile that got my heart racing. Tingly sensations I never fully got a chance to realize, happened inside of me.

He just made me happy.

My Mother sat down next to me and placed her hand on my shoulder, “Tell me about Brian”

“He’s coming here!”

“He is?”

“Yes and I want to go!! But it’s on a weekday”

“After school?” She raised her eyebrows at me, never a good sign.

“No...Actually it’s in the middle of the afternoon…but it’s Brian…”

“You’re father will not like that mommalu”

That’s what my Mom called me. Her pet name for me was mommalu. I don’t know where she got it. She said my dad used to call me Pumpkin but she refused to let me be that ordinary.

“He won’t understand Mom. He doesn’t get the whole Backstreet thing” I was convinced I’d die if I didn’t go. That’s kind of funny now isn’t it?

“We shall see mommalu. For now go upstairs and do your homework”

“Not until you sing to me”

Let me explain something about my mother. She had the voice of an angel. Besides my Brian, my Mom had the most beautiful voice in the world. She had always wanted to be a singer, but after she had me her dreams were cut short. She never complained, not even once. It became a daily ritual that my Mom sang to me. I made her sing to me before I did my homework and of course just as I was falling asleep.

If I ever had the opportunity to meet Brian, I would have made my Mom sing for him. I bet his heart would have melted.

When I asked her to sing to me her eyes lit and she started to sing ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’. That was her absolute favorite song to sing. After which she gently pat me on my butt and sent me on my way to homework land.

Right like I could really concentrate on anything but Brian. I had his posters all over my room. Well, all of them but my favorite was the one of just Brian. I loved them all though.

Believe it or not I still do.

I snuck a call into Sandy and told her about my lack of progress with the Mom. She said her parents had already told her she could go. How fair was that?

Of course I used it as ammunition when it came time to sell this to my Father. “Dad…Sandy is going; her parents both said it was okay. So can’t I go?” Yup I was ready for the battle.

Turns out there was really not much of a fight, more like an ultimatum. Brand new vocabulary word there. Mrs. Fischer would be proud. My parents both collectively agreed to let me go and see Brian if I aced my English test. As far as I was concerned that meant I was in.

I ran upstairs and called Sandy, then furiously began studying for that stupid tenses test. It wasn’t really that bad, but I had so much riding on it. If I didn’t pass I would throw myself out of the window. Yes…that is what I would do.

The whole week leading up to Brian and the boys coming to my town, that’s all you heard about on the radio, in the papers and on the news. The boys were jealous calling them every name in the book. Half of which I never had heard before. They sounded dirty though.

The girls were excited, all of us taking turns telling each other what they would do when they met…Kevin, Nick, AJ, Howie and Brian. Like I said, most of the girls were all about Nick. I had a simple plan. I only wanted to hug him, have my picture taken with him then invite my Mom over next to me, where I would proudly say, “Brian you should hear my Mom sing. She has the voice of an angel”

Simple.

I skipped home from school the day I took my test. I was convinced I had nailed it. Brian and the boys were going to be in town the very next day. They were doing something at the local hotel. Like an interview or something. My plan was to go and wait for them outside.

“How did the test go?” My mother asked greeting me at the door with freshly baked chocolate chip cookies.

“It went really well”

“What did you get?”

“I don’t know. I won’t know until after Brian comes to town”

“I guess that means no Brian then” For a second my heart stopped. I couldn’t breath but when I looked up to see a smile on my Mom’s face, I knew she was just teasing.

“Mommlu, did you actually think we wouldn’t let you see Brian?” I shook my head because anything that would have come out of my mouth at that moment would have sounded desperate.

“Happy birthday sweetheart” She walked over gave me a hug and kissed my forehead.

Yes it was my birthday. Well almost my birthday. In about three days, fourteen hours and eleven minutes it would be my birthday, but who was counting?

What better present to get than Brian?

Mom was the one who brought me to the hotel that day. Dad wanted to come but was called into work for a last minute meeting.

The last thing I said to him was later gater.

We stood outside for what felt like fourteen million hours. Of course I am exaggerating but not by much. I bounced to keep myself warm, my Mom bounced with me. Sandy whispered to me, “Your Mom is so funny” And I nodded in agreement. I think my Mom enjoyed the experience as much as I did.

There were not that many people there that day, for a Backstreet event anyway. I would say about thirty or so. Some my age, most a little older than me and some very old. All of us had signs. I held a bear in my hands for Brian. It said I heart you. I knew even if he didn’t keep it, he would give it to someone who needed it more than he did. He was like that.

There was a woman standing next to me who also was holding a bear. She was clutching it as if it were her child. Protectively shielding it away from the screaming crowd. I have to admit I was one of them. Screaming for absolutely no reason. I mean the guys were nowhere in sight, but there I was screaming and crying like a crazy person.

It was my Mother who saw them first. I was too short to see above the crowd.

“Here they come Laura” She said gripping my hand in hers. I was shaking, it was going to happen. I couldn’t believe it.

That’s when I saw him. He was beautiful at least that’s what my body said as I felt things tingling inside of me. He walked right next to me and smiled right at me. My Mom tried to stop him, but he was being moved along the row of endless screaming fans. “He’ll be back to sign autographs in a second” The bodyguard told my Mom who made sure he knew she was annoyed.

The others all came following behind Brian, with Nick coming out last to the longest and loudest screams. I looked up at my Mom and smiled, this was the best day in the world. Her hand on me tightened and I saw her face turn from happiness to shear terror.

Then it happened. In the blink of an eye…but like I said, I am bad with time.

Do you have any idea how it feels to be shot? Let me tell you, it’s nothing like how they show it in the movies and on television. Don’t tell my Mom I said that. She would get mad. My Mom didn’t like me watching violent shows. She said it would give me nightmares; similar to the nightmares that she has every night.

It felt like I had fallen on thumbtacks; small and sharp jabs of pain. I didn’t realize I had been hit until I was already dead, staring at myself as if I were watching a movie. My Mother holding me in her arms as she cried. Everyone was crying. It was a mess.

I wasn’t the only one. There were others lying around crying mothers too. I remember seeing Sandy sitting on her Mom’s lap and holding her head to her chest. She didn’t ever want her child to look up again. I couldn’t blame her. Then there was someone lying very close to where I was. She was on her side but also dead. I knew because she was standing right next to me watching too.

I looked for Brian, he was safe. I saw him looking around the crowd; my guess is he was looking for Nick. They were best friends. Just like Sandy and me. I couldn’t see Nick and found myself afraid to look to my left; for fear that he would be standing there next to me. He wasn’t.

The others were crying, holding there heads in disbelief, but I was shaken from watching them to looking back at my mother who had kissed my pale face. She kept saying “My baby” Over and over again. I wanted to reach down to her and tell her everything would be alright but I didn’t know if that was the truth.

I did get to meet Brian. He sang at my funeral. The rest of the guys showed up as well, everyone except for Nick. Everyone blamed him. I know my Mom did. Brian sang the Irish Blessing and then the four of them together sang ‘It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday’. My Mom cried the whole time with my father clinging to her like that woman who had killed me clung on to that stupid bear.

I was hoping my mom would get up and sing, but she didn’t. She doesn’t do that anymore. It makes me sad. Her voice is the only voice I long to hear. I have come to understand that I will never grow old, never have a boyfriend or a first kiss but I can’t wrap my head around the idea that I will never hear my Mother’s beautiful voice singing ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’.

She visits me every Tuesday. She sits next to my grave and puts a brand new bouquet of flowers next to my date of death. I always ask her to sing to me, just like she used to but all she ever does now is cry.