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And it Made Me Squint...



I love thunderstorms. They make me feel safe…

Funny how that works because as a kid I remember being scared to death of those things. Running into my parent’s bedroom when the flash of light made everything in my room appear evil. They never threw me out, not even once. I would cuddle in the middle of the two of them and not wake again until I heard the chirping of birds outside and felt the nuzzle of my dog’s cold, wet nose against my face.

When it rains now, I go to my rocking chair and stare out into the dark night. The lightening brings a new feeling for me. It makes me remember that there are more powerful and wonderful things out there and that we just can’t see them.

That’s what I’m doing right now in fact. Sitting here at…let’s see…what time is it? Three o’clock in the morning and rocking in my chair. The thunderstorms make the night go by faster for some reason. And that is fine with me.

I can’t sleep anymore, at least not all night long anyway. Now if I can get about two hours of sleep a night I am lucky. It’s a good thing I’m a pop star, otherwise I would probably be considered crazy.

My fiancé thinks I should go see a therapist or something. It’s not normal to stay up all night looking out the window and rocking in that stupid chair she yells at me. I don’t need therapy because I already know what’s wrong.

It’s my fault; the entire thing.

When I close my eyes, I see it all play out in front of me and just like always, even how it was in that moment, I’m too late. I yell but the damage has already been done, people falling to the ground, the sound of death thick in the air.

Then the crying.

I had seen that so many times on television. First you see the bad guys run into town and murder everyone. You hear the screams of people begging for their lives and the swish of the knife or bang of a gun. That’s not the hardest part; the worst part in these movies is the sound of the crying afterwards. The cries of people whose lives will never be the same.

That’s what I hear when I try to sleep at night. I hear those cries of people whose lives will never be the same, because of me. I feel a chill go down my spine so I decide to throw a blanket over me. The lightening so close now that the crackle brightens the entire room.

Nick blames himself for all of this. He carries it around like some kind of martyr. If that lady didn’t love him so much, those girls would still be alive he tells me when we have our daily visits. I just sit there and let him talk. He needs to get it out of his system, because I fear for him.

I told him once that it was all my fault but he got so mad he threw me out of his house.

“How can you say that Brian? You didn’t kill anybody. That psycho bitch did!”

“You didn’t kill anybody either” That’s when he threw me out. I guess that was easier than admitting that he wasn’t to blame.

I have to stop for a minute, the memories so haunting me that I feel the tears trickling down my face.

It’s not fair really because at the funerals; all three of them, we sang and were hailed as heroes. Not Nick though. Especially for Laura’s funeral. The Mom was so mad at him; she didn’t even want him anywhere around her daughter’s casket. So while we sang and got praise for being strong, Nick sat in his bedroom under a pile of covers and cried himself to sleep. This was before he started to fear going out in public.

I wipe the tears from my cheeks and continue to rock after a few deep breaths. I started to do Yoga about a month ago; it does help to keep me focused and collect my thoughts. But unfortunately it doesn’t really help me fall asleep.

Nothing does.

I even tried good old fashioned Nyquil. The first night I took it, it knocked me out for at least an hour but the nightmares I had during that time were so intense I threw up. Visions of little kids not even my waist high holding out teddy bears to me covered in blood. I yell out to them, but they can’t hear me and I’m too late, one by one they disappear. Then I see him… Nick just staring at them all lying on the floor unable to do anything but stare. He puts a gun to his head and I wake up just as he pulls the trigger.

I couldn’t help him either.

If I had to choose between sleepless nights and that dream, I would gladly take insomnia, so that was the end of my brief experimentation with Nyquil.

Laura’s Mom calls me every so often. I gave her my phone number and told her anytime day or night, if she needs anything, feel free to call. That was the very least I could do since it was my fault that her daughter died in the first place. She actually has called a couple of times.

I look at my phone and think of maybe calling Nick to see if he is okay. Unlike me, he hates storms. I decide even though it’s late, there is a good chance he is awake so I dial his number and make the decision that if it rings more then three times I’ll hang up.

He picks up after the first ring. He knows it’s me.

“Hey Brian, can’t sleep huh?”

“Nope. I guess you can’t either” I close my eyes and picture him sitting under a pile of covers as he talks to me. A barricade of furniture blocking his front door so no one can get in or out.

“No…I was just playing a video game”

“Yeah? What are you playing?”

“I hate thunder Brian”

“I know you do. If it wasn’t so late I would invite you over”

He laughed; I knew he would laugh at that.

“I just wish this would all go away” I knew the laughter wouldn’t stick around. It never does, not anymore. Anytime we can get him to smile, we wish we could take a picture and live in that moment. He doesn’t let anyone take pictures of him anymore though.

“It will”

He swallows; I know like me, he has been crying too. Probably remembering the cries; hearing the screams. “Brian, you’re a good friend”

“You are too Nick. You are too”

“Howie just called me, he couldn’t sleep either”

“He did?”

“Yeah... He’s coming over in a little bit actually”

I breathe a sigh of relief. I don’t like him being alone. I know none of us do. Kevin at one point even wanted to have Nick move in with him, but he would have to leave his house to do that. We are all so worried about him these days.

“I should go, thanks for calling Brian”

“My pleasure. I’ll see you tomorrow kiddo…okay?”

“Okay”

We hang up and I feel slightly better. Just slightly, before the guilt seeps back into my system, taking with it any trace of happiness I had been feeling only moments before. I could have changed this whole scenario. This should have never happened.

As I walked down that line of fans I remember her clearly, she stuck out to me like a sore thumb, my intuition told me there was something not right about her. I was about to turn to security to verbalize that but then I was side tracked.

I was side tracked and just like that, the thought left my mind.

I had seen her many times before. I mean we see so many fans that it is hard to keep track of everybody but her I remembered. Not sure why, but when I had passed by her on that day I knew I needed to say something to somebody.

It’s funny because I can even remember the name of the girl I was signing an autograph for when it happened. Her name was Monique. She was in the middle of spelling it for me when I heard the screams which signaled to me that Nick had made it out of the door. I always laughed about it, we all did. The kid just had a look I guess that made girls scream.

After I signed the picture of us from one of our tour programs, I turned to look at Nick. I wanted to scream the punch line of an inside joke we had to him, but instead I found myself squinting at a bright shiny object that the crazy woman was taking out of her purse. I thought it was a camera at first.

A camera…

He was right next to her and I was waiting for her to take it out and shoot a picture, she never did. It wasn’t until he had passed her along the line that she took it out. The bright sun glared over it to make it look like a neon light. I closed my eyes tighter to make out what on earth I was looking at, by the time I realized it was a gun, she had already aimed it right at Nick.

My best friend and brother.

I tried to yell but nothing came out. I heard someone yell gun and then screams followed by those cries I mentioned earlier. It’s like time stopped just for a second. Suddenly the loud crowd was mute.

I was at the bottom of a pile of security guards. I could barely breathe but I didn’t care, all I cared about was finding Nick. I knew Howie and AJ were okay because they were right there under the pile with me. Kevin I couldn’t see but heard. I heard as he kept calling “Nick are you okay? Talk to me buddy”

Nick I had no clue about. When the pile finally let me up, I saw him…standing there staring down at the blood that was around him. At first I thought it was his blood and felt myself running towards him. I couldn’t move though. Security was holding me tight in place. He looked over at me with a lost, blank expression on his face. Kevin had made his way over to Nick and just pulled him close into a hug. The cries going on around him were deafening. The crazy lady screaming as security had her pinned under them. She kept saying I love you Nick! I love you Nick!

I am interrupted by another flash of light, this time even closer then the last. The boom of the thunder actually made me wince. Sometimes when I look out into a storm like this, I swear I can see the flash of that metal object in her hands. If only I had recognized it sooner. If only my reflexes were quicker, all of this would have never happened.

I remember as I was walking towards Nick and Kevin seeing everyone staring at me like I wasn’t real. AJ stood next to me and whispered “Oh my God where do we go from here?”

I didn’t have an answer for him. I still don’t.

“Honey come to bed…it’s late” I look up to see Leighanne staring at me as I rock, I think she worries about me as much as I worry about Nick.

“I will in a minute” She nods and then turns and leaves the room.

My thoughts go back to that damn gun. How it twinkled in the sun. It almost looked like a gem or something.

It was all my fault…all my fault.