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Rain Like Strings

I rustle with the various sheets of music I have collected over the years, most I will never have time to play. It’s gotta be here somewhere I tell myself as I squat down on the floor and look through the piano bench.

I hate that, when you suddenly have the urge to play something specific, yet you can’t find it anywhere. I thought it was in the bench. That’s usually where I put my most beloved pieces of music. I have to admit; I tend to put the hardest stuff like Rachmaninoff and Debussy right on the piano for display; even though I could never play those. Well I mean I’m sure I could with the extra time to practice but since extra time is never something I have the luxury of saying or having, I can at least pretend that those two composers are in my repertoire. So I proudly display them and stick to the easier stuff, like Beethoven. That’s what I’m looking for now.

The Moonlight Sonata.

It’s odd really but for some reason, I can play that song so easily that it is almost the same as taking a valium or two or three. It relaxes me and I almost have it memorized.

So then why do you need the music Kev? I ask myself as sarcastically as I hear AJ asking the same thing in my head. Well it’s simple really. I don’t remember what the first note is. Call me anal, call me picky but I refuse to play this song, one of my absolute favorite ones in the world, without starting it in the proper place. Everything needs to be in the proper place.

Call me crazy but without order, what’s the point right? I mean my whole life can be an absolute mess but dammit, as long as I know where my music is, and that my underwear draw is fully organized, then it won’t much matter.

I stand up and flip over my piano bench in anger. I can’t find the stupid song anywhere! Great just great! I scream to my empty room. Why does nothing go right?

Frustrated I walk over to the window humming the song as I go. I get so easily angered nowadays. I mean I have always had a quick temper, not as quick as others, but still I have been known to say something before thinking about it. Now though, I get so angry I sometimes scare even myself.

I’ll go for a walk; usually that’s what helps me to calm down. Go for a nice long walk and try to forget.

Try to forget.

I walk over to the front door and fling it open. I don’t mean to open it so hard but I do and it slams against the wall. I need to calm down. I get as far as down the steps before the rain starts up again. Seems like it has rained for the last three years. Looks like my walk is out of the question now. I decide to run back into the house.

When I get like this, the only thing that calms me down is playing the damn piano and I can’t even do that! God when did I become so helpless?

I walk over to my piano bench and put it back on it’s feet. Then I begin the process of collecting all the sheet music that fell out of it. I need to do something. I can’t just sit here and do nothing. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t thrown my television out of the window.

I still can’t believe I did that.

I was calmly watching the news when they pan to her. They actually interviewed her like SHE was the victim. Poor crazy lady, how could they even consider putting her in prison? Why I’m sure she had an absolutely horrible life. Hasn’t she been through enough? That’s all I had to hear. I walked over to the television and pushed it off of it’s stand.

Kristin asked me what my problem was. I wish I had answered with words but instead I chose an action, and that action was me throwing the television out of the window.

I am pretty sure it was raining that day. Hasn’t stopped since.

I sit on the piano bench and with one hand twiddle on the keys while the other is holding my head up. I start to play As Long As You Love Me, but can’t bring myself to sing it for some reason. It was always one of our favorite ones to warm up to. I believe it was the first BSB song I actually learned how to play on the piano.

I can’t stand just being here without doing something.

It dawns on me that I haven’t checked up on any of the guys yet today. I stand up and walk my way over to the phone to dial Nick, the first one on my list, but then I abruptly hang up after the first ring.

I’m not in the mood to deal with him today. When I get in one of these moods, there isn’t much that I am in the mood to deal with. Maybe I should just go to sleep. The clock dinging noon tells me that it’s too early to go to bed.

I feel bad but sometimes I can’t handle Nick. I mean I love him, but I can’t deal with the way he is these days. It makes me want to punch something…anything. Sometimes even him.

Walking over to the window I look out at the rain. It’s just a light drizzle, nothing too bad. Maybe I can take that walk afterall. I search the room to find my umbrella; I decide to take the biggest one I have. A nice long walk will clear my mind and calm me down.

We have all changed since that stupid night. All of us, each in our own way. I hate that. “I hate that!” I yell to the sky, hoping for an answer and just like always, the answer never comes.

As I walk, I shake my head at how unfair life could be sometimes. Everything was so good, now it’s not. How in one day, that can all change. Suddenly walking is not good enough, I decide to start jogging. Maybe that will help.

I’m sure I look weird to people passing me in their cars. I can tell by the odd stares I am getting, but I don’t give a damn. Let them look. I need to do this, if I slow down now, it’ll all come rushing back to catch up with me; the memories, the nightmares, the crying, the changes, all of it. Suddenly even jogging isn’t good enough and now I find myself running, being chased after all of the things I so desperately want to escape from.

I run until I am about out of breath. As my pace picked up so did the rain, turning from a light drizzle to a hard downpour. I decide to take my umbrella away from my head and just let the drops fall on me.

The drops are long; at least that’s how they look from a distance. Like violin strings, you might see animated in a Disney movie. When I close my eyes I can see them playing against a backdrop of blues and purples.

The raindrops are now coming down so hard that I can barely see in front of me anymore, water dripping down my face and landing in my open mouth. For some reason I feel like crying. Maybe because I picture Nick looking out of his own window afraid to go out into the rain. He used to love to go outside. Back when everything was normal. Back when I used to be able to help him and everyone else.

I sit right down on the curb, right in the middle of the pouring rain, thinking about things, wishing I could have done more for everyone and feeling the anger making it’s way back into my head.

I need to get out of here so I stand up ignoring the chills that are now running up and down my spine and begin to walk back towards my house.

As I get closer to my front door, the rain begins to subside and I think momentarily about trying to go for another walk, but then I remember.

I run towards my door and into the house, running up the stairs two at a time until I reach the bathroom; the place where I left the Moonlight Sonata.

I had forgotten that I had played it last night and then decided to bring it back upstairs with me. My anger suddenly begins to lift as I make my way back down the steps and toward my piano.

By the time I sit down on the bench I am almost smiling; weird how music does that to me. It can manage to calm me down completely.

I start the song and ignore the lightening striking in the background. Temporarily transporting myself away from the rain and the gloominess. It has gotten dark enough for me to have to turn on the lights.

I wince knowing that the darkness will be there when the music stops, unless I keep playing forever.