People cause problems. A person doesn’t. People do. That’s the truth: when one person joins another person, that’s when problems arise.
I ain’t saying I ain’t happy to be in a group. I am. I wonder if I tell them that enough. But I am. They try to make sure to reach out to me, and it feels strange as hell, but good too, in a way. I’m glad I have them, though I really don’t think I tell them enough. Heh, well, they should just know without me having to say it.
I think I’ve gotten more talkative ever since I started journaling. Damn.
As I was saying, when you have a group, problems come right along with it. Look at how the world was before the dead rose – perfect example. People thought coming together solved any problem, and throughout history, all it showed was that it created more.
Did they listen to history?
No.
We could, but we’d die trying to fight off too many fucking ghouls, so we have to stick together. So we have the problems. People try to lead when their ass knows nothing about true leadership. People try to loaf and let others do their work. Heh, if the others read this, they’d know exactly who I mean. Others try to keep the peace, and others get pissed off at the ones causing the problems to begin with. Dynamics and all that interaction bullshit. Before, you could afford to have those problems. It’s people being people. Now, everyone needs to get the hell over themselves when this shit happens. Otherwise, we may as well walk out the door, ring a bell, and yell “CHOW TIME!” to those damn ghouls and save us all some time and energy.
Like I said, a person doesn’t cause problems, but people do.
Friday, April 20, 2012
12:30 p.m.
AJ was beginning to get far too stir-crazy in the chapel. He was looking for any excuse to get out now, taking on sniper duty more often than anyone else, going out when Gabby or someone thought they heard a car, gathering supplies. Every excuse meant an escape from the suffocation of people and people trying to understand him. In a sense, he appreciated the interest, but felt stifled by it. It had been bad enough at rehab, and even then, he’d known how to get the therapists to back off and give up. Those methods wouldn’t work now, and even though he was free of the past that had gagged him, he felt he’d gone from one extreme to another. From being seen as a blemish on society to being seen as an asset. He hadn’t made the adjustment just yet.
It was making him anxious, making him crave a hit worse than anything else since he’d gone sober. He wanted to go with Kevin to the range again this morning, take on some ghouls, the first purpose he’s had in an existence that seemed so pathetic to him now. Instead, that early morning, he’d taken one of their newest arrivals, Nick, for some training, along with Howie, whom Kevin felt needed more practice, much to AJ’s amusement. He got a nice stab of satisfaction every time the snotty businessman was shown that he wasn’t superior to everyone else in this “new” world.
AJ looked around, beginning to pace around the sanctuary of the chapel, taking in what everyone else was doing. At the moment, Gabby was napping, having not slept well the night before. He knew this because she’d woken him up during her nightmare, before she’d quieted down and gone back to sleep. A simple reminder that she was the child of the bunch, rather than Kayleigh.
Speaking of Kayleigh, she had actually eaten that morning, a shock to them all, except AJ, who figured she didn’t want to actually starve herself; rather, she wanted the sympathy and attention that went with it. Sad, really, both the action and the reason. The action wouldn’t work, making her even more depressed, and the reason just showed how weak a person the girl really was. Pathetic.
Jo was in the little kitchenette by the Sunday school room, preparing lunch with what food Riley and Nick had brought with them in their bags. Kevin had mentioned them going supply hunting for real food soon, after they had everyone familiar with the guns, anyway. Riley was near Kayleigh, jotting something down on some paper. When she noticed she’d caught his eye, she met his gaze and waited expectantly.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m a bit bored, so I’m just thinking, jotting down random thoughts on paper. It’s used for like writers for inspiration, but I forgot the term. Oh! Stream of consciousness.”
He wanted to lean over and just see what thoughts were running through her head, simply out of curiosity, but was relieved when Kevin, Howie, and Nick came in. AJ grinned just a little, hoping maybe he could get out of the church and finally do something interesting. Being around people and “bonding” just wasn’t his idea of a good fun time. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the look of relief on Riley’s face as well. But unlike his gaze, which focused on the door, hers focused on the blonde. Interesting. Maybe he should just start people watching when he got too bored. God, he wanted a hit. Anything to just fade away from the mind-numbing reality for a change. But he couldn’t, and not just because all the dealers wanted flesh rather than drugs now. He had to do his part like everyone else.
“Okay, Riley, you’re up. Kayleigh, we need you to stop being stubborn and come with us. Kayleigh… KAYLEIGH!”
“What?! God.”
“We need you to come with us; if you’re going to survive, you need to learn to kill them from a distance.”
AJ saw as the girl rolled her eyes for the millionth time. All week, it’d been the same thing. She’d refuse, Kevin would get frustrated – actually, they’d all get frustrated – and in the end, Kayleigh would get her way. She’d sulk in the corner, eat very little, and stare at her phone, put her head down, or feel her bald spot. He caught the look of Nick, who was standing behind Kevin, choosing not to say anything. Then there was Howie, who walked up to Kayleigh and sat next to her, while giving Kevin an evil eye.
“Leave her alone.”
“Howie, she needs to learn. We don’t know what’ll happen.”
“I’ll have people around, you don’t need me, and I’m not touching a gun.”
Throughout all this, AJ, along with Riley and Nick, were watching this with a detached interest. All for different reasons, he guessed. While Howie and Kevin were emotionally involved, they weren’t. He couldn’t say why the two blondes were so interested, but for AJ, he was simply bored. He didn’t bother caring or even giving a thought to becoming involved, himself, because he knew nothing could change. If the girl wanted to stay helpless and weak and, as a byproduct of that, cause her own demise when the time came, so be it. He really wasn’t bothered by it either way.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” The voice was irritated, disbelieving, and undoubtedly female. All heads turned to Riley, who was fuming, causing AJ to smirk to himself.
That’s right, she and Nick haven’t seen this debate yet, he mused.
“No, and I don’t care.”
“Obviously.”
“Leave her alone. You haven’t been here long, and-”
“Shut it, Howie; I’m talking to Kayleigh, not you.”
“I’ll have you know-”
“Does it look like I care? Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Okay? She’s technically an adult; she doesn’t need ya to hold her hand and coddle the hell out of her.” Put in his place, the businessman stepped back. He appeared to have decided that this wasn’t his fight and he shouldn’t get involved. So he sat down next to Kayleigh, offering her a small smile.
Everyone stared at her now, as Kevin stepped forward. He, like everybody else, saw where this was heading real quick. “Riley…”
“Rye, calm down,” Nick cut in, interrupting Kevin as he stepped closer to her. She turned, and AJ saw her soften at his words, before her eyes became icy once more, as they refocused upon the college girl.
“No, this clearly needs to be said.”
Finally, Kayleigh stood, before anything more could be said, fuming now, herself, at Riley’s justified anger. Just from watching the brunette, AJ could tell that she thought the fury of Riley was uncalled for. Deluded, even after the dead rise. How pathetic.
“You don’t know me, and you need to just back off.” Her voice was monotone, steady and unwavering.
AJ raised a brow. Sadly, this had replaced the void television, Shakespeare, and radio had once left in the shallow entertainment of his life. But at least he knew it was shallow and vapid, unlike the rest of humanity, before they’d become ghouls, who’d lived in their perpetual state of limitless deniability. He’d seen the coats they’d all donned and known them for what they’d been, which, to him, made all the difference. At least, that was how he was currently justifying his enjoyment of the ever rising scene. He only wished he had some popcorn, as he watched Riley hoist her shoulders, as if preparing for battle, which, in essence, it seemed she was.
“Let me tell you something, little girl. I don’t need to know you. Fuck, I don’t even want to know you. I already know more than enough to tell me that much.”
“Oh yeah? So why don’t you keep on talking with that big mouth of yours, and-”
“Oh, hell no, I’m not finished. Let me tell you, Miss Kayleigh, all about your damn self, as you were about to suggest. Number one: You’re an adult, who’s acting like a child. Period. Gabby acts more adult at thirteen than you do at college age. Number two: You’re not special! We’ve all lost people; we’ve all been through hell on Earth. Not just you! Lastly, number three: Get over yourself. I can handle you mooching off of us for stuff like cleaning and food. What I cannot even think of dealing with is you risking our lives by being lazy about protecting yourself and, therefore, all of us. You get it now?”
“This isn’t about you! Take your own advice and get over yourself! If I don’t want to, then…”
“… It still affects us. Period. All of us, you idiot! What if one of us gets taken down because we’re too busy trying to keep your useless self safe because you can’t do it? You expect us to die making sure you live ‘cause you can’t bother? Forget it. Screw that.”
“Well, I’m not touching a gun, and you can’t force me!”
“Riley, calm down,” the heavy, Southern voice belonging to the colonel pleaded. AJ suppressed a laugh. Fat chance of that. Not to mention, AJ wanted her to keep it up – and not just for the amusement anymore. The girl had a point: this needed to be said; in fact, it was a bit overdue. Yet again, it wasn’t shocking that Kevin actually stepped between them now, but what was shocking was Riley shoving herself past him, her face actually red after hearing Kayleigh’s last response. The entire scene had caused Jo to peek out of the Sunday school room to see what was causing all the commotion.
“You know what? I’m different from everyone else here. You know why I am?”
Kayleigh crossed her arms over her chest defiantly and stared at the former reporter, brown eyes clashing with blue, neither girl willing to back down. “Because you’re a psycho?”
“Nope, because I’m a bitch who knows she is a bitch and has no problem being one. So much so that I have absolutely no problem shoving you out that door with nothing but a gun and making you fend for yourself. So much that I’ll make damn sure that no one goes out there to help you, either. I won’t even care that you’ll be doomed and die within the hour. You know why? Because I’m a bitch who’ll know it was your own damn fault for refusing to learn how to fight and survive. I am not risking my life, or anyone else’s lives, to coddle you. You’re learning, or I will toss you out of this damn church right here, right now. And I dare everyone else to stop me.”
The room was silent. No one knew what to say as they stared at the two girls. Nick was looking at Riley as if he’d never seen her before. Kevin was carefully observing the situation, waiting to make sure it wasn’t going to come to physical blows, as it had looked like it would only minutes before. Jo must have decided she was best off staying in the kitchen, as if she were oblivious to the whole thing, as AJ saw her duck back into the Sunday school room as if nothing had happened. Howie stood, looking like he wanted to say something, but was debating to himself if it was worth it or not. AJ glanced at his tattooed hands for a moment, before breaking the silence himself.
“So me, Riley, Kayleigh, and you, Kevin? We can make sure they shoot out their anger.”
Kevin gave him an appreciative look and nodded. “How about I try guard duty for the church while you help them practice? See if I can’t take any more out that are roaming around.”
“Me?” AJ asked, surprised. Typically, it was Kevin who prepared everyone.
“Yeah, I trust you. You’re the best shooter here so far; you know the basics to show them. I think you can handle it.”
And while Howie looked furious from his corner, AJ felt a smile form. It wasn’t the most important task to do; in fact, Kevin’s was more imperative. The quicker they cleared out the base, the better. However, it felt good to be relied on, to be considered trustworthy. To have someone see something worthy in him, after feeling, for so long, that no one would. He’d never believed the psychologists who tried to tell him in countless therapy sessions that he was worth anything. Yet, now there was the little group of survivors. He was the one being relied on for help, sent to check for people, sent to protect. They trusted him and showed it, especially Kevin. It got to him, in ways words never had.
Words were meaningless; they’d been tossed around carelessly in the world before.
Actions, however… They spoke volumes.
