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Part IX: Revelation

Chapter 91


It’s almost Christmas. I can’t believe we’ve been here this long. I can’t imagine celebrating Christmas here, either, but I guess we’ll have to do something to make it special.

Last Christmas was special. It was our first Christmas as newlyweds, and we’d just gotten the best present any couple could hope for: we’d found out we were expecting a baby! We went home to Indiana for Christmas and shared the news with our families by giving them each a wrapped box containing an ultrasound photo, which showed our baby as nothing but a little black blob floating in a sea of white. But he – or she; we’ll never know – was so much more to us than that.

We thought we’d spend this Christmas at home together with our new little bundle of joy. Instead, I’m going to be spending it on a military base in Florida, surrounded by zombies, with people I’ve only known for nine months. They’re my family now, and I love them all, especially Brian. But I can’t pretend it’s the same. I miss my real family. I miss Shawn. I miss the baby. I miss snow and Christmas lights and helping little hands cut snowflakes out of paper and watching A Charlie Brown Christmas on TV and seeing Santa at the mall and dropping change into the Salvation Army bell-ringers’ red pots.

It won’t be the same this year. But then, nothing’s the same. Nothing will ever be the same again.



Monday, December 24, 2012
Week Thirty-Six

“I’m… dreaming… of a white… Christmas…”

“Doesn’t look like there’s much chance of that happening, does it?” laughed Gretchen, looking out the window at the palm trees swaying against a backdrop of blue sky.

“…just like the ones I used to know…”

Behind the wheel, Riley laughed, too. “Well, you know what they say about Hell freezing over… Still, I think the only way we’ll get a white Christmas here is if we burn enough zombies to cover the ground in ash. I guess that would be more like a gray Christmas, technically…”

“Sick, Rye.” Gretchen shook her head. “I guess I shouldn’t complain – I mean, imagine if we had to deal with the cold on top of everything else – but I would love to see some snow.”

“Snow? What’s snow?” Riley looked over at her and grinned. “I forget you’re from up north. I haven’t seen snow in years. We only have fake snow in Florida.”

“I love snow. I missed it last year, too, when we were living in Georgia.” Our first Christmas together, thought Gretchen, remembering how much fun she and Shawn had had as newlyweds, decorating the house in Atlanta for Christmas. Our only Christmas together.

A wave of overwhelming sadness washed over her, and the voice of Bing Crosby crooning Christmas songs through the truck’s speakers did nothing to ebb it. She’d gotten excited when she’d found his CD in a box of Christmas decorations back at their house on the base, but now she regretted the choice to play it while she and Riley went to pick up groceries for their Christmas dinner. It just made her nostalgic and homesick for the life she’d left behind and the family she would never see again.

She tried to hold it together in front of Riley, tried to push thoughts of Shawn out of her head and focus on the task at hand. Christmas dinner, she reminded herself, looking down at the grocery list she’d made out. Just as with their Thanksgiving feast, she would have to improvise with some of the ingredients, but she felt reasonably confident she’d be able to come up with something that would please the rest of the group. She was determined to make Christmas on the base special for them, Gabby in particular. She knew they all had to be feeling the same way she was, missing their loved ones more than ever during the holiday season. It seemed impossible that they could truly have a merry Christmas there, though the mood on the base had certainly been lifted by the return of Riley, Nick, and Kevin.

Gretchen’s own mood had been all over the place lately. Some days, she couldn’t stop smiling, and others, she couldn’t stop crying. Being with Brian made her happy, but remembering the life she’d had with Shawn made her sad, and the frequency with which these emotions fluctuated made her feel both guilty and confused. The emotional turmoil had even started to affect her physically; she had trouble sleeping at night and would lie awake long after Brian had fallen asleep next to her, until she finally drifted off, only to wake in the morning feeling exhausted and slightly nauseous, like she’d been worrying herself sick even in her dreams. It’s just the holidays getting me down, she thought. I’ll feel better after the new year. But even then, it depressed her to think of starting another year in this place, under constant threat of the undead who skulked outside its walls. It was like being trapped inside a nightmare from which she could never wake up.

“I’ll be home for Christmas… You can count on me…”

Riley had fallen silent as she drove, and Gretchen’s attention was drawn back to the music. The track on the CD had changed, and she thought, Oh God… not this song. As a soldier’s girl, she had always appreciated the sentiment of the song, the significance it had at the time it was released, when World War II kept many soldiers far from home for the holidays. But now it came as one more devastating blow to her already-broken heart, yet another reminder that Shawn would never be coming back to her.

“Christmas Eve will find me… where the lovelight gleams. I’ll be home for Christmas… if only in my dreams.”

If only…
she thought wistfully. But they were fighting a much different war now, a war which had claimed the lives of Shawn and the rest of their families, loved ones who would never be home for Christmas again. The thought brought tears to her eyes, and as she sat there feeling sorry for herself and for Brian, Gabby, and the rest of them, Gretchen started to cry. She couldn’t help it. One minute, she was fine, and the next, tears were sliding down her face. She tried to hide them, taking an inconspicuous swipe at her eyes, but a sniffle gave her away. She quickly turned her head toward the window, but not before Riley looked over at her in concern.

“Gretch? Are you okay?”

Gretchen started to nod, then gave up and shook her head.

“Aww, Gretch…” She felt the truck slow down, as Riley eased it to a stop right in the middle of the road. Before she knew it, her friend’s arms were around her, and she was sobbing onto Riley’s shoulder. “I know… I know…” Riley kept whispering, even though Gretchen was crying too hard to explain. Then again, she probably didn’t have to. Of course Riley knew. Their stories were all the same.

“I’m s-sorry,” Gretchen said shakily, once she’d gotten control of herself. She hiccupped, took a shuddering breath, hiccupped again. She felt like a little girl, working herself into such hysterics. What was wrong with her?

“Don’t apologize,” replied Riley, sounding sympathetic. “We’ve all been there. Christmas getting you down?”

Gretchen nodded, but she began to suspect that wasn’t the only thing bothering her. Her stomach felt queasy. Had she made herself sick from crying so hard? Riley was still talking, offering words of consolation, but Gretchen wasn’t listening anymore. She was holding her stomach, trying to settle it, but all of a sudden, she knew it was too late.

“Where are you going?!” Riley called, as Gretchen jumped out of the truck and ran to the side of the road, where she doubled over and vomited. Riley was by her side in an instant, rubbing her back and holding her hair while she finished emptying the contents of her stomach. “What was that?” Riley asked, frowning at her in concern once she straightened. “Are you sick, or just upset?”

Gretchen wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and shook her head. “I don’t know. I’ve just been feeling weird lately. Maybe I am getting sick.”

Riley narrowed her eyes, then put her hands on her hips. “You’re not pregnant, are you?”

Gretchen’s eyes widened; she hadn’t even considered that possibility. She tried to laugh it off, shaking her head and saying, “No… I don’t think so.” But she had to admit, it was possible.

That was Riley’s next question: “Could you be?”

Gretchen blushed and nodded, avoiding Riley’s eyes as she tried to remember when her last period had been. Was she late? It was hard to know. Though their timekeeping had evolved since the early days of carving tally marks into the chapel wall, the days still passed in a monotonous blur, each one more or less the same as the one before it. Nothing stood out in her memory.

“You should take a test.” Riley grabbed her wrist and tugged her toward the truck. “C’mon. I’m sure we can find one somewhere around here.”

As they drove to the exchange mall at the front of the base, Gretchen cycled between excitement and fear over the possibility of another pregnancy. There had been a time, merely months ago, when she’d wanted to be a mother more than anything. But now? Here? She wasn’t sure she wanted to bring a child into the undead world.

Of course, she was getting ahead of herself. She wasn’t even sure she was carrying a child. But the more she thought about it, the more likely Riley’s diagnosis seemed. And she thought about it the whole shopping trip, as they rummaged through the stores to gather the supplies for their dinner, picking up a pregnancy test in the drugstore.

“Can we do it here?” Gretchen pleaded, before they left the mall. “I have to know.”

They found a ladies’ room and walked in. Gretchen, who was in the lead, stopped suddenly a few steps inside the door, causing Riley to stumble into the back of her. “Sorry!” Riley sputtered. “What-?”

“Shh!” Gretchen hissed, freezing Riley in her tracks. They both paused to listen to the rattling sounds coming from the last stall in the restroom.

Heart pounding, Gretchen slowly bent down and saw a pair of shuffling feet under the stall door. She looked back at Riley, whose eyes were wide. Gretchen understood her panic: neither of them were armed. They hadn’t encountered a zombie inside the base in weeks, but clearly, they hadn’t yet killed them all.

Riley beckoned to her and started to back out of the bathroom. Gretchen followed on tiptoe. But the zombie had already heard them or smelled them out; the stall door rattled with fervor. Then, with horror, Gretchen saw a rotting arm reach underneath the door. A head followed, long, stringy hair trailing along the floor, as the zombie crawled clumsily out from under the stall.

Gretchen’s instinct was to run, but Riley’s fight or flight response chose a different option. She pushed Gretchen aside and picked up the metal wastebasket, which was still overflowing with paper towels. They scattered to the floor as she raised the can over her head and brought it crashing down onto the undead woman’s skull before she could straighten up. The zombie collapsed, splayed across the tiled floor, where Riley continued to beat her with the trashcan until she stopped moving completely.

“God damn those boys,” she sighed, panting, as she tossed the trashcan aside and wiped the perspiration from her forehead. “Were they too chicken to check out the girls’ bathroom, or what?”

Gretchen laughed nervously, releasing some of her tension. “I guess so.”

“I tell you, some jobs are just better left to a woman. So – how ‘bout that pregnancy test?”

Gretchen laughed at the absurdity of their situation. “Like I’ll be able to pee on a stick now!”

“Oh, come on, just do it. I’ll stand guard.”

Sighing, Gretchen went into one of the other stalls – after checking to make sure it was completely clear, of course – while Riley waited outside it. The stench of the rotting zombie turned her stomach, threatening to make her vomit again. She held her breath as she fumbled with the package and got herself positioned. A few minutes passed before she could relax enough to get the job done, but finally, she handed the stick underneath the stall to Riley and pulled up her pants.

“I need to get out of here,” she said breathlessly, as soon as she barged out of the stall.

Riley nodded in agreement, and they took the test outside the bathroom to wait for the results. “So what are we looking for here?” she asked, looking over Gretchen’s shoulder. “One line? Two?”

“Two,” whispered Gretchen, staring down at the empty window of the test strip in her hand. As she waited for something to appear, she was struck by a sense of déjà vu, followed by a wave of sadness. A year ago, she’d taken a test like this at home with Shawn at her side, and they’d celebrated the results together. It felt wrong to be doing this in the middle of an abandoned mall. She squeezed her eyes shut, wishing she could click her heels and go home.

Then she heard Riley’s sudden intake of breath behind her. “Gretch…”

Gretchen’s eyes flew open, and as she looked down, her heart skipped a beat.

***

The mood around the base that night was as bipolar as Gretchen had been feeling for weeks. On one end of the spectrum, there was Gabby, who sat sullenly in the corner after dinner, hugging her knees to her chest and barely speaking. On the other end were Nick and AJ, who were overcompensating for the lack of Christmas cheer by singing their own, improvised versions of carols.

“Zombies moan… are you listening?” Nick sang loudly, his voice drowning out the distant moans. “In the lane, blood is glistening. A horrible sight… We’re ready to fight… Livin’ in a zombie wonderland!”

AJ laughed and interrupted, “No, no, how ‘bout this? Dashing through the base… with a shotgun in my hand… picking up the pace… here in Zombieland! Hordes of zombies moan… giving me a fright. What fun it is to shoot the undead in the head tonight!”

Nick laughed too and joined in, “Ohh, shotgun shells, zombies smell, blow their brains away! Oh, what fun it is to kill a zombie every day!”

Then AJ struck up another new tune. “Death to the world! The end has come. Let zombies roam the Earth!”

“Aw, c’mon, AJ, that’s just depressing,” Howie cut him off, shaking his head.

Gretchen glanced at Brian and saw him frowning, too, though he didn’t say anything to ruin AJ’s fun. He’d been quiet all evening, and she figured he must be thinking about his family. She had kept quiet, too, not wanting to say anything that would give her away, not knowing how to tell him she was expecting his child. How would he react to the news? Would he be glad to become a father again or upset at the thought of having a baby under these circumstances?

Gretchen didn’t even know how she felt about it yet. A part of her was excited, but she also felt fearful and guilty. She worried about Brian’s reaction. She worried about being pregnant again, this time with no medical care. She worried about losing another baby. She worried about having the baby and trying to raise a child in the midst of the zombie apocalypse. She wondered what to do. Only one thing was certain: she had to tell Brian.

When he got up and wandered outside, she followed him. “Are you okay?” she asked softly.

He nodded. “It’s just hard, celebrating Christmas here, without my family.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“Me too.”

They fell silent for a few seconds. Then Gretchen asked, “Can we talk?”

“Of course,” he said, looking over at her. His eyes glinted in the moonlight.

She reached for his hand. “Let’s go back to our place. Just for a few minutes, so we can be alone.”

“Alright.” They left the porch of the house where Kevin, Gabby, Howie, and AJ were living and walked next door to the house they shared with Riley and Nick. “What’s up?” Brian asked, putting an arm around her as they settled down on the porch swing together.

Gretchen leaned against him, glad she didn’t have to look at him. “I have something to tell you.”

“Something good or something bad?”

“I don’t know yet. It depends on how you take it.”

“Alright…” She could hear the confusion in his voice. “So what is it?”

Gretchen sucked in a deep breath. “I’m pregnant.”

She felt Brian stiffen. His jacket rustled as he turned to look at her. She forced herself to look back at him. It was hard to tell in the darkness, but he didn’t look angry, just surprised. “Are you sure?”

“Pretty sure. I took a test today with Riley. It was positive.”

“Wow…” he whispered. She wondered how he meant it and decided he was just stunned, like she’d been. After a few seconds, he said, “So… we’re gonna have a baby…”

If Shawn had said that a year ago, she might have laughed and said something snarky, like, “That is the result of being pregnant, yes.” But all she could say this time was, “Are you upset?”

“Upset?” he asked, sounding just as surprised by her question as he had by her news. “No, of course not. I’m just… wow! I sure wasn’t expecting anything like this.”

“Me neither,” she said, sighing.

“Are you upset?”

She hesitated, then shook her head. “No… just scared. What are we going to do, Brian?”

“What are we going to do?” He smiled at her and hugged her closer to his side. “Sounds like we’re going to have a baby.”

“You know what I mean.”

He nodded, still smiling. “I know. But there’s no point in worrying about it now. It’s in God’s hands. We should consider this a blessing… a miracle, even, given everything we’ve been through. If it’s meant to be, He’ll make sure it all works out.”

And if not? she wondered, but didn’t ask. She didn’t want to question Brian’s renewed faith. As long as he wasn’t upset, she couldn’t be either. Relief was already setting in, and as she smiled back at him, a sense of peace enveloped her like a warm blanket. Wrapped in his arms, she felt loved and protected.

Brian was right. There was no sense in worrying now. If her math was correct, they had eight more months to figure things out. Maybe the world would be a better place by then. Maybe not. But even if nothing changed, at least they were relatively safe there on the base. At least they had each other.

We’ll make a family of our own, she thought, snuggling against him.

On a gloomy Christmas in Zombieland, they’d been given a gift, and Gretchen knew that the gifts least expected are often the gifts cherished most.

***