December 24, 2009, 6:30 pm.

Dear Director Vance,

In re: Last Night

We write this not to excuse our actions but in accordance to your request to explain the events that transpired on the evening of December 23, 2009.

We accept that we had to give up a whole day to make amends for whatever it is we did wrong. And we did do wrong. But we find it completely asinine that you ask us each to write a report detailing our individual roles in what happened and telling you just who it is we think we are. What does it matter who we think we are when you’ll still see us exactly as you want to see us--in the simplest, most convenient of terms?  You see us as a Soldier, a Doctor, a Geek, a Goth, a Slacker, and a Freaky-Scary-Mossad-Assassin-Turned-Liaison-Officer.

Correct?

That’s how we saw each other at 4pm yesterday afternoon.

We were brainwashed.

Literally.

Okay, not really, but it sounded good didn’t it? Breakfast Club. John Hughes, circa 1985.

So, about last night…

Below you will find the detailed report you have requested of the events that transpired:

1445 Naval Criminal Investigative Services (NCIS) Team Gibbs was sent out on field assignment.

1500 Forensic Scientist Abigail Sciuto decorated the NCIS bullpen for the holidays.

1520 Multiple tattletales complainants ascended to the Secretarial Office of Director Leon Vance in re: Holiday Decorations.

1523 Forensic Scientist Abigail Sciuto was summoned to the Secretarial Office of Director Leon Vance in re: Holiday Decorations.  

1525 Complainants removed holiday decorations without authorization.

1526 Forensic Scientist Abigail Sciuto requested a copy of The Big Book of NCIS Rules and Regulations (TBBoNCISRaR)

1530 TBBoNCISRaR was obtained.

1535 A meeting of the NCIS TBBoNCISRaR Committee was called in re: Interpreting the rules and regulations concerning holiday decorations.

1537 Arguments presented in case of Complainants v Forensic Scientist Abigail Sciuto

1555 NCIS TBBoNCISRaR Committee issued ruling in favor of Forensic Scientist Abigail Sciuto in re: Rules and Regulations concerning holiday decorations.

1556 NCIS TBBoNCISRaR Committee scheduled meeting to discuss rewriting section 8.54 Holiday Decorations for 2010.

1557 Forensic Scientist Abigail Sciuto filed complaint in re: Holiday decorations removed without authorization.

1559 Complainants found to have removed holiday decorations without authorization issued verbal misconduct warnings.  

1600 Forensic Scientist Abigail Sciuto decorated the NCIS bullpen in accordance to NCIS TBBoNCISRaR Committee Ruling.

1630 The Annual Naval Criminal Investigative Services Officially Sanctioned Holiday Party (ANCISOSHP) commenced with Teams Bauers, Harris, and Peyton in attendance.

1635 Dr. Donald “Ducky” Mallard arrived accompanied by one Mrs. Victoria Mallard, who presented the ANCISOSHP attendees with her Homemade Chocolate Holiday Cookies (HCHC) and special recipe eggnog (SRE).

1637 Mrs. Victoria Mallard requested private meeting with Agent Graham of Team Bauer. Request was denied.

1638 Agent Graham issued complaint of sexual harassment against Mrs. Victoria Mallard.

1638:30 Dr. Donald Mallard apologized for perceived misconduct of Mrs. Victoria Mallard in re: assault on Agent Graham, but offered defense argument in re: Agent Graham’s proximity to Mrs. Victoria Mallard and their collective proximity to Exhibit A: 1 sprig of Mistletoe.

1639 Charges against Mrs. Victoria Mallard rescinded.

1640 HCHC supply reported to be diminished to 0.

1645 Team Gibbs arrived fashionably late to ANCISOSHP.

1650 Agent Rickman of Team Bauers issued first report of suspected food poisoning in re: HCHC.

1651 Heavily used sample of HCHC obtained from Agent Rickman.

1652 Agent Keyes of Team Harris offered another heavily used sample of HCHC.

1653 Question presented regarding responsibility of bagging and tagging samples. Teams Bauers, Harris and Peyton nominate Team Gibbs. TBBoNCISRaR requested. Request denied.

1654 TBBoNCISRaR requested by Officer David of Team Gibbs.

1655 TBBoNCISRaR obtained. Complaint issued by Agent Peyton in re: Threatened Bodily Harm of a NCIS Agent.

1656 TBBoNCISRaR Committee commences meeting in re: interpreting rules and regulations regarding On Call Duties.

1702 Per TBBoNCISRaR section 3.12 On-Call Duties, Team Peyton is deemed in charge of bagging and tagging samples of HCHC.

1703 Agent Garcia of Team Peyton draws short straw and bags and tags samples while NCIS TBBoNCISRaR Committee scheduled meeting to discuss rewriting section 3.12 On-Call Duties for 2010.

1705 Following chain of command process Forensic Specialist Abigail Sciuto signed for bagged and tagged samples of HCHC and returned to the NCIS Lab to begin processing to confirm aforementioned food poisoning.

1706 Agent DiNozzo of Team Gibbs requested forced dismissal of Teams Bauers, Harris, and Peyton from ANCISOSHP before any further heavily used samples of HCHC become available.

1707 Teams Bauers and Harris voluntarily depart from ANCISOSHP. Team Peyton request turn-over of Holiday On-Call Duties to Team Gibbs as no member of Team Gibbs present for consumption of HCHC.

1708 Request accepted.

1709 Team Peyton departed from ANCISOSHP.

1710 Doctor Donald Mallard, Mrs. Victoria Mallard, and Team Gibbs obtained first round of SRE.

1715 Agent DiNozzo of Team Gibbs dispatched to obtain non homemade chocolate holiday cookies (NHCHC) from vending area.

1720 Doctor Donald Mallard, Mrs. Victoria Mallard, Agents McGee, David, and Gibbs of Team Gibbs obtained second round of SRE.

1722 Mrs. Victoria Mallard obtained third round of SRE.

1724 Mrs. Victoria Mallard obtained fourth round of SRE.

1725 Agent DiNozzo of Team Gibbs returned to ANCISOSHP with NHCHC. Officer David of Team Gibbs requested clarification on 10-minute absence. Request denied.

1726 Agent McGee of Team Gibbs requested clarification of Agent DiNozzo’s 10-minute absence. Request denied.

1727 Agents McGee and David of Team Gibbs exchange theories regarding 10 minute absence of Agent DiNozzo.

1727:30 Agent Gibbs made observation of disheveled appearance in re: Agent DiNozzo. Agent Gibbs requested explanation of disheveled appearance. Request denied.

1728: Agent Gibbs issued corporal punishment to Agent DiNozzo by applying force to the back of Agent DiNozzo’s head.

1728:05 Agent DiNozzo of Team Gibbs failed to uphold rule #14 of the DiNozzo code in re: passing out.

1728:10 Agent Gibbs assisted Agent DiNozzo to a prostrate position and requested Doctor Donald Mallard’s immediate presence.

1728:45 Doctor Donald Mallard observed a contusion to the back of Agent DiNozzo’s head, inconsistent with the force applied by Agent Gibbs.

1729 Agent McGee of Team Gibbs dispatched to obtain a bottle of water from vending area.

1729:30 Agent McGee* requested the presence of Officer David* in the vending area.

*Note: As Teams Bauer, Harris, and Peyton were no longer present, hereafter all Agents involved should be assumed to be members of Team Gibbs.

1730 Agent DiNozzo regained consciousness.

1730:05 Agent DiNozzo denied breaking rule #14 of the DiNozzo code.

1730:15 Doctor Donald Mallard made note of denial. Doctor Donald Mallard presented evidence to refute Agent DiNozzo’s denial. Note disregarded.

1730:45 Agent DiNozzo refused medical examination.

1731 Agent Gibbs ordered Agent DiNozzo to rescind refusal of medical examination.

1735 Doctor Donald Mallard concluded medical examination. Prescribed a ride home and rest.

1735:15 Agent DiNozzo refuted prescription.

1735:30 Case DiNozzo v Mallard presented to moderator Agent Gibbs.

1736 Agent Gibbs arbitrated compromise.

1737 Under protest, Agent DiNozzo adhered to Agent Gibbs’ ruling and imparted with keys to his motor vehicle and agreed to rest during remainder of ANCISOSHP.

1740 Agents McGee and David returned with requested bottled water.

1740:15 Mrs. Victoria Mallard requested private meeting with Matthew.

1740:30 Agent Gibbs denied request.

1741 Agent Gibbs observed ‘unusual silence’ involving Agents David, DiNozzo, and McGee and requested clarification of 10-minute absence of Agents McGee and David. Request hedged by Agents McGee and David.

1741:30 Agent DiNozzo offered theory regarding 10-minute absence of Agents McGee and David.

1742 Agents McGee and David refuted theory in re: presence of Mistletoe.

1742:30 Agent DiNozzo offered to offer another theory.

1742:45 Officer David suggested that Agent DiNozzo may want to keep said theory to himself.

1743 Agent DiNozzo started to offer theory anyway.

1743:15 Officer David recommended that Agent DiNozzo not offer any more theories. Officer David informed Agent DiNozzo that she could offer a theory regarding previous 10 minute absence of Agent DiNozzo.

1744 Agent DiNozzo denied knowledge of any 10 minute absence, but agreed not to offer any more theories.

1745 Forensic Scientist Abigail Sciuto returned to ANCISOSHP.

1745:05 Forensic Scientist Abigail Sciuto fussed over Agent DiNozzo.

1746 Doctor Donald Mallard and Agents McGee, David and Gibbs obtained third round of SRE. Mrs. Victoria Mallard obtained unknown round of SRE.

1749 Forensic Scientist Abigail Sciuto finished fussing over Agent DiNozzo.

1749:30 Forensic Scientist Abigail Sciuto obtained first round of SRE.

1750 Mrs. Victoria Mallard requested private meeting with Matthew.

1750:15 Agent Gibbs declined meeting.

1751 Mrs. Victoria Mallard commenced a round of caroling.

1751:30 Agent McGee joined Mrs. Victoria Mallard in caroling.

1752 Forensic Scientist Abigail Sciuto obtained second round of SRE while Doctor Donald Mallard and Agents David and Gibbs obtained fourth round of SRE. Agent DiNozzo requested second round of SRE. Request denied by Forensic Scientist Abigail Sciuto.

1754 Agent McGee and Mrs. Victoria Mallard are observed to be dancing on top of Agent Gibbs’ desk while caroling.

1755 Agent DiNozzo observed that Agent Gibbs was accepting the damage to his desk caused by Agent McGee and Mrs. Victoria Mallard with remarkably high spirits.

1756 Forensic Scientist Abigail Sciuto obtained third round of SRE.

1757 Citing an impending violation of a slightly modified version of DiNozzo Code rule #14,  Agent DiNozzo assisted Mrs. Victoria Mallard off of Agent Gibbs’ desk.

1757:30 Agent DiNozzo assisted Mrs. Victoria Mallard into a prostrate position.

1757:45 Mrs. Victoria Mallard requested Agent DiNozzo to join her in prostrate position.  Request vehemently denied.

1758 Agent David joined Agent McGee in caroling and dancing on top of Agent Gibbs’ desk.

1759 Forensic Scientist Abigail Sciuto obtained fourth round of SRE. Agent Gibbs and Doctor Donald Mallard obtained fifth rounds of SRE. Agent DiNozzo’s request for second round of SRE denied by Forensic Scientist Abigail Sciuto.

1801 Agent Gibbs and Doctor Donald Mallard joined Agents McGee and David caroling.

1802 Forensic Scientist Abigail Sciuto obtained fifth round of SRE.

1803 Mrs. Victoria Mallard invites Matthew to join her in prostrate position. Agent Gibbs accepted.

1803:10 Agent DiNozzo prevented Agent Gibbs from joining Mrs. Victoria Mallard in prostrate position.

1804:30 Agent DiNozzo observed Agents McGee and David attempting to reenact famous scene from film Dirty Dancing (1987). Agent DiNozzo recommended Agents McGee and David refrain from doing so while atop Agent Gibbs’ desk.

1804:45 Agent DiNozzo assisted Agents David and McGee down from the desk top.

1805 Agents McGee and David attempted to reenact scene from film Dirty Dancing (1987). Agent David failed to catch Agent McGee when he endeavored to leap into her arms for the famous lift from aforementioned film.

1806 Agent DiNozzo assisted Agent McGee into a prostrate position. Agent David observed a contusion on the side of Agent McGee’s head.

1806:15 Forensic Specialist Abigail Sciuto offered theory that contusion caused by computer formerly located on Agent Gibbs’ desk.

1806:30 Agent Gibbs celebrated the demise of the computer from his desk with a sixth round of SRE.

1807 Agent DiNozzo offered theory about SRE in re: specifics of “Special Recipe” to Forensic Scientist Abigail Sciuto.

1808 Forensic Scientist Abigail Sciuto stopped laughing long enough to confirm Agent DiNozzo’s theory. Forensic Scientist Abigail Sciuto indicated that she assumed that everyone else knew.

1808:15 Agent DiNozzo confiscated remainder of SRE.

1808:30 Agent Gibbs ordered Agent DiNozzo to turn over the evidence.

1809 For safety of Mrs. Victoria Mallard, Doctor Donald Mallard, Forensic Scientist Abigail Sciuto, and  Agents David, McGee and Gibbs, Agent DiNozzo sacrificed himself to dispose of the remaining SRE.

1815 Attendees of the ANCISOSHP observed a sense of boredom, save for Mrs. Victoria Mallard.

1815:15 Mrs. Victoria Mallard observed to have fallen asleep.

1816 Attendees of the ANCISOSHP* elected a committee to discuss activities for the remainder of the ANCISOSHP.

*Mrs. Victoria Mallard remained asleep through the remainder of the evening and shall henceforth no longer be considered in attendance of ANCISOSHP.

1820 The ANCISOSHP Activity Committee (ANCISOSHPAC) presented options.

1825 The ANCISOSHPAC reached a consensus, ruling to reenact a famous scene from the film Real Genius (1985).

1826 Attendees of ANCISOSHP were divided into Team Gibbs and Team DiNozzo and dispatched to collect necessary materials required to reenact the scene.  

1827 Team DiNozzo arrived at the vending area.

1827:30 Agent DiNozzo made observation about non-working vending machine.

1827:45 Agent David suggested it had been damaged, perhaps had been knocked on its side earlier in the evening.

1827:55 Agent DiNozzo denied any knowledge of such an occurrence.

1828 Citing time restrictions and material availability, Agent Gibbs proposed a modification to the scene. Members of Team Gibbs agreed to the proposed modification.

1835 Team Gibbs obtained enough material from the bullpen and reconvened in Director Vance’s Office to begin construction.

1836 Construction begins.

1915 Team DiNozzo arrived with materials obtained from Vendoland.

1915:05 Teams DiNozzo and Gibbs determined that they were envisioning different scenes to reenact.

1915:30 Teams DiNozzo and Gibbs presented arguments for their scenes.

1918 Teams DiNozzo and Gibbs came to compromise and agreed to a combination of both scenes.

2315 Agent McGee was observed to have fallen asleep.

2345 Forensic Scientist Abigail Sciuto was observed to have fallen asleep.

0118 Doctor Donald Mallard was observed to have fallen asleep.

0246 Team Gibbs Completed Construction on their part and began to assist Team DiNozzo.

0312 Agent DiNozzo was observed to have fallen asleep, relinquishing team to Agent David.

0437 Agents David and Gibbs completed Construction

0448 Agent David reported to have fallen asleep.

*Note: It is unclear at what time Agent Gibbs fell asleep.

0800 Director Vance arrived.

And that, Director Vance, is our account of how you came to find the bullpen completely void of furniture and containing multiple broken pieces of modern technology along with a sleeping elderly woman.

And why you then discovered the rest of us sleeping in your secretary’s office.

And why there was a boat (newly constructed from the wood obtained from the desks and other furniture removed from the bullpen) in your office.

And why it was filled with popcorn.

So we accept that we had to give up a whole day to make amends for whatever it is we did wrong. And we did do wrong. But we find it completely asinine that you ask us each to write a report detailing our individual roles in what happened and telling you just who it is we think we are. What does it matter who we think we are when you’ll still see us exactly as you want to see us--in the simplest, most convenient of terms?  But what we found was that each one of us is a Soldier, a Doctor, a Geek, a Goth, a Slacker, and a Freaky-Scary-Mossad-Assassin-Turned-Liaison-Officer.

Well, not really, but still, it’s not nice to define us that way.

Does that answer your question?

Sincerely,

The Midnight Snack Club

(What? Like the “Breakfast Club” actually made sense for a club name?)