Fic Talk > I Challenge You....

The Review Challenge!

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MonkeyAbu:
I just read Reb's newest chapter that she posted yesterday for "Satan's Playground". Figured I would take part in this, so here is the review I left for her:

Well holy shit damn! I remember reading this back when you first started posting and I apologize because I don't remember if I ever reviewed it back then and if I didn't, I apologize for that too. Reading this brings back memories of watching that show on MTV way back in the day. I'm such a nerd for that kinda stuff and I always said I was going to appear on it one day and then MTV went and cancelled the damn thing. I'm thoroughly enjoying the story as you allow it to unravel. Your writing is about 15 degrees off simple (that's a good thing) with just enough detail that I think it hooks any reader's attention and preys upon our interest into the unknown/unexplained. There is a certain fear that you have masterfully woven throughout the words you have written and I find myself feeling each and everyone of the fellas emotions. Maybe it's because I am totally into this stuff and frequent a ghost hunting/investigation trip whenever I can, but with the way you are so far letting this story unfold, it has allowed me to paint a vivid picture within my mind of everything that is going on. All in all you definitely have one wicked creative imagination and I like it. I'm a sucker for good thrillers and you have me impressed. The only problem I've found so far are a couple tense/grammar issues throughout the chapters but they are minor things. Hope to see another update soon because it would be a real shame if we had to wait another long period of time before we got to read more! [Ashley]

MonkeyAbu:
Ok, so I know I was the last one to post a review I had left, but I just got done leaving the longest review I swear I have ever written for a story, so I figured I would share it on here. It's for "Finally Found You" by bsbgirl4ever23, kristylee.

I must say that I thoroughly agree with what Julilly briefly touched on. However, I feel further input I may have to give could also be beneficial for you guys.

There are still a lot of grammar, spelling, and structure errors that I found throughout both chapters. Those three things, especially grammar and paragraph structure errors, can actually turn a prospective reader away from even giving a story a look.

Like Julilly previously said, quotation marks should be put around dialogue (words that a character is speaking). I noticed that you use ' ' as quotations, but the dialogue quotations should really be " ". That right there is just minor though.

Another thing I wanted to touch on is paragraph structure. For example, when there is a set of dialogue (conversation) that is going on between two characters, each line of dialogue should get their own paragraph. When you leave the whole conversation as one paragraph, especially when there isn't any sort of detail (emotions, expressions, etc) written in between the characters speaking, it makes it appear rather jumbled and difficult to read. This also goes when there isn't a break between any paragraphs. It is extremely difficult when you're staring at a long page of one big paragraph that consists of the entire chapter, including details and dialogue. That can actually turn readers away and cause a loss of interest.

I recommend taking a look at your punctuation usage. You used ( ; ) throughout both chapters. In correct grammar, semi colons are not used as often. I noticed that you used them to denote the end of sentences. All you need for that is periods (.) Semi colons are helpful when you want to connect two sentences together that contain for the most part the same content/meaning (kind of like using a big comma [,] if that makes sense?).

Another thing you should consider is developing your story line more. I'm assuming you know who all of your characters are and you probably have a general idea about them, and that is good for you the writers. But from a reader's perspective, when we open a story, we come in with the idea that the writer (or writers in this case) has shown the knowledge of their characters and will successfully introduce them to us as if we are being introduced to new friends. I didn't feel that at all while reading what you have posted so far. It was like there were just two random girls having random dialogue and I was left with not knowing anything about them, other then the fact they are going to a Backstreet Boys concert in Australia. Some helpful questions to keep in mind when developing the story line more could be:

Who are the characters (names, ages, physical attributes, their pasts)?

How do the characters know each other? Where did they meet? How long have they known each other?

What is the story about?

If you're not sure how to start something off, one good way to get past that is by making your first chapter what I guess you could call an "Introduction/History" lesson. This is where you could introduce the important/main characters and embellish on their past. Let us know who they are. This is also where you can set the stage for the rest of the story. You don't necessarily need to deliver a big bang right away, just give us some minor sparks. :)

I don't know if you have checked out the AC forums yet (the link is on the main page of the AC site), but there are a lot of good and fun writing exercises and character surveys that are very helpful in developing characters. It brings you more in touch with your characters. Either way, you should check the forum out. *blushes* A little bit of shameless plugging. LoL, we're a bunch of nerds who have way too much time on our hands, but there's a lot of authors on there that would be more then willing to give advice. Plus, it's alot of fun! :)

One more thing, because I feel like I have rambled on way too much and have lectured more so then given advice like I was trying to do... Really focus on detail. Detail detail detail. You can paint so much with words, it's pretty neat. Detail is what gives a story life. Without detail, the story holds no backbone.

I hope you don't think I'm being rough, because I am only trying help. Hope what I have said will help. Don't give up though; keep trying. I'm sure with more work and development, you could turn this into something that readers want to keep up with.

[Ashley]

julilly:
That was very well worded! I kept mine brief because I was worried that I might look like a jerky jerkerson being the only person having said anything then being like BAM but with two people touching on the same topics it helps you realize that it's not just one person.

MonkeyAbu:
*sigh* It's alright Julilly. I decided to be the jerky jerkerson for you. Heh. Actually, it was really difficult to leave that review. The whole time I wanted to just be blunt about it not being up to par, but that would be like being the queen of jerky jerkersons, and well, that totally goes against the point of concrit. Especially since if my story wasn't up to par and I was actually looking for concrit to help me make it better, I'd say it would have made me feel downright like poop if someone flat out said it sucked. So yeah...longest review I've ever written. I'm exhausted. I wasn't being too much of a jerky jerkerson was I?

julilly:
Not at all it was very well written, and helpful

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