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[SugarMagnolia]

I'm working on a story right now (yes, just waiting to get plagiarized once again.  ) and am kind of OCD about having things just right, fanfic or no.  I'm a nerd that way.  So here's my question.  Is it acceptable/proper form to have dialogue, description, dialogue again, then throw in some more description and a little more dialogue all in the same paragraph?  Or is it better to do description just once with dialogue then break it into another paragraph for the other description and dialogue? 

I'll give an example of what I'm talking about...and what's giving me fits right now.

"I saw the baby," he said, his voice suddenly dropping, soft and low in awe.  "I was in the room when they did the sonogram and I saw the baby on the screen.  I saw it moving, I saw it's little feet, it's hands, it's fingers waving at me.  I heard the nurse-type person say the baby's a boy, Dad."

That's how it stands.  Now, I want to drive home the fact that this guy is hit with the emotion of it not only being a boy, but his son.   So I could totally redo the first part with:

"I saw the baby," he said, his voice suddenly growing quiet.  "I was in the room when they did the sonogram and I saw the baby on the screen.  I saw it moving, I saw it's little feet, it's hands, it's fingers waving at me.  I heard the nurse-type person say the baby's a boy, Dad."

He looked down at his hands, his voice now a barely audible whisper.  "My son."

Or could that be squished together?  Or does it really even matter?  lol

Thank you and goodnight.

[honey]

Ooh, I know exactly what you're asking, and actually I've wondered the same thing myself quite a few times. So I guess I'm gonna wait for the answer too.

Anyone?

[AJsKellyMouse]

I'm of no help either.  I am actually wondering the same thing!  That's a really good question.

[RokofAges75]

As long as it's all the same character talking, it can be squished together.  If you think the paragraph is getting too long, you might want to break it up; sometimes it LOOKS better that way.  But as far as being technically right, it's fine to have it all together as long as it's one character talking the whole time, and assuming he/she is talking about one subject.

(But on another technical note... you have the wrong "it's" here:  "I saw it's little feet, it's hands, it's fingers..."  That kind of "it's" means "it is."  But you don't mean "I saw it is little feet" 'cause that doesn't make sense, so take out the apostrophe.  It should just be "its."  "Its little feet, its hands, its fingers."  It may not look right, but it is.)

[SugarMagnolia]

As long as it's all the same character talking, it can be squished together.  If you think the paragraph is getting too long, you might want to break it up; sometimes it LOOKS better that way.  But as far as being technically right, it's fine to have it all together as long as it's one character talking the whole time, and assuming he/she is talking about one subject.

(But on another technical note... you have the wrong "it's" here:  "I saw it's little feet, it's hands, it's fingers..."  That kind of "it's" means "it is."  But you don't mean "I saw it is little feet" 'cause that doesn't make sense, so take out the apostrophe.  It should just be "its."  "Its little feet, its hands, its fingers."  It may not look right, but it is.)

Thank you for all of that, especially the it's/its thing.  That is why I need a beta to look over my work and why I don't need to write when I'm sleep-deprived.  *laughs*  I kept looking at it and something felt "off".  It's is a contraction, its is possession.  I knew that, I swear I did.   

[RokofAges75]

LOL no problem... and I wasn't trying to be self-righteous by pointing it out either; I swear.  But since you were asking about the mechanics stuff anyway, I figured I'd mention it.    I know it's late, so no worries LOL.

[nicksgal]

Julie's right. You only need to split up paragraphs when the action or dialogue belongs to a different character.

[Sakabelle]

Personally I like to sometimes break off a sentence from my paragraphs (like you're doing here) when it's some sort of... major point, if you know what I mean.  I do that a lot and I feel like it adds something to that statement.  Like, it was important enough to warrant its own paragraph.  You know what I mean? lol

[RokofAges75]

^ I know what you mean, and I totally do that too.  I like the dramatic one-liner set off by itself LOL.  That's basically what I meant when I was saying you can break it up if you think it looks better, cause I do that sometimes too.

[Sakabelle]

It makes things more dramatic!  That's what I was trying to say in my post but for the life of me I could not think of the word dramatic! LOL Thanks Julie!!

[MellzBellz]

Yea I agree... I squish a lot up together in one paragraph myself, but if I REALLY want to emphasize something I seperate it. Either way is acceptable though.

[honey]

ok, I have another technical question... separating paragraphs in dialog...  My main character is vocally telling a story to another character so I have this rather large chunck of dialog. Do I separate the paragraphs within it? And if I do, how would I punctuate it? Where would the Quotes go and such? Anyone?

this is a rough draft of what I have so far...

“It was my accident,” I explained, my voice turning to a whisper. I hesitated, and then fell into the story as if I were reliving the nightmare all over again. “It was the night of the pageant and I was so tired of all the congratulation s so Derek and I went for a drive someplace quiet. The car was parked on the side of the road and this big tanker truck full of hazardous waste came barreling up the road. He hit his breaks when he saw us, but he was moving too fast. The truck jackknifed, and slid off the road. The side of the tank slammed into my car and pushed nearly fifty feet, right into an electrical tower. It was a nice night so we had the top down, and when everything smashed together the car ripped a hole in the side of the truck. This smelly, green liquid started spraying all over the place. It burned my skin but I was pretty banged up and I couldn’t really move. The last thing I remember was the electrical tower falling on top of the car and frying everything.”

Ryan’s gasp brought me back to the present, bur he really startled me when he picked up my hand and squeezed it. I let him hold it for only a second before pulling away to wipe away the tears that were streaming down my face, and then he asked the only logical question. “How did you survive?”


That's just one example, but there are (or will be) several other places where I have to have big chunks of dialog. So. Grammar Nazi's, suggestions?

[Sakabelle]

^Ooooh, that's a good question, Kelly!  I did the same thing in one of my stories, and I always wondered if I went about it the right way.  *Waits patiently for the answer*

[RokofAges75]

You don't HAVE to break it up, because it is her speaking the whole time, and she's staying on one topic, telling a story.  But if you don't like how big the paragraph is and would like to break it up, this is how you would punctuate it:


“It was my accident,” I explained, my voice turning to a whisper. I hesitated, and then fell into the story as if I were reliving the nightmare all over again. “It was the night of the pageant and I was so tired of all the congratulation s so Derek and I went for a drive someplace quiet. The car was parked on the side of the road and this big tanker truck full of hazardous waste came barreling up the road. He hit his breaks when he saw us, but he was moving too fast. The truck jackknifed, and slid off the road.

"The side of the tank slammed into my car and pushed nearly fifty feet, right into an electrical tower. It was a nice night so we had the top down, and when everything smashed together the car ripped a hole in the side of the truck. This smelly, green liquid started spraying all over the place. It burned my skin but I was pretty banged up and I couldn’t really move. The last thing I remember was the electrical tower falling on top of the car and frying everything.”


You DON'T need to put an end quote at the end of the first paragraph, but you do put a beginning quotation mark when you start the next paragraph, as long as it's still the same person talking.  Put an end quotation mark when she stops speaking, like normal.

[honey]

aww, that was quick. Thank you, Julie! You always have the answers!