Fic Talk > General Discussion
Help with a technical question in description and dialogue writing.
SugarMagnolia:
I'm working on a story right now (yes, just waiting to get plagiarized once again. :P) and am kind of OCD about having things just right, fanfic or no. I'm a nerd that way. So here's my question. Is it acceptable/proper form to have dialogue, description, dialogue again, then throw in some more description and a little more dialogue all in the same paragraph? Or is it better to do description just once with dialogue then break it into another paragraph for the other description and dialogue?
I'll give an example of what I'm talking about...and what's giving me fits right now.
"I saw the baby," he said, his voice suddenly dropping, soft and low in awe. "I was in the room when they did the sonogram and I saw the baby on the screen. I saw it moving, I saw it's little feet, it's hands, it's fingers waving at me. I heard the nurse-type person say the baby's a boy, Dad."
That's how it stands. Now, I want to drive home the fact that this guy is hit with the emotion of it not only being a boy, but his son. So I could totally redo the first part with:
"I saw the baby," he said, his voice suddenly growing quiet. "I was in the room when they did the sonogram and I saw the baby on the screen. I saw it moving, I saw it's little feet, it's hands, it's fingers waving at me. I heard the nurse-type person say the baby's a boy, Dad."
He looked down at his hands, his voice now a barely audible whisper. "My son."
Or could that be squished together? Or does it really even matter? lol
Thank you and goodnight.
honey:
Ooh, I know exactly what you're asking, and actually I've wondered the same thing myself quite a few times. So I guess I'm gonna wait for the answer too.
Anyone?
AJsKellyMouse:
I'm of no help either. I am actually wondering the same thing! That's a really good question.
RokofAges75:
As long as it's all the same character talking, it can be squished together. If you think the paragraph is getting too long, you might want to break it up; sometimes it LOOKS better that way. But as far as being technically right, it's fine to have it all together as long as it's one character talking the whole time, and assuming he/she is talking about one subject.
(But on another technical note... you have the wrong "it's" here: "I saw it's little feet, it's hands, it's fingers..." That kind of "it's" means "it is." But you don't mean "I saw it is little feet" 'cause that doesn't make sense, so take out the apostrophe. It should just be "its." "Its little feet, its hands, its fingers." It may not look right, but it is.)
SugarMagnolia:
--- Quote from: RokofAges75 on July 16, 2008, 01:59:04 AM ---As long as it's all the same character talking, it can be squished together. If you think the paragraph is getting too long, you might want to break it up; sometimes it LOOKS better that way. But as far as being technically right, it's fine to have it all together as long as it's one character talking the whole time, and assuming he/she is talking about one subject.
(But on another technical note... you have the wrong "it's" here: "I saw it's little feet, it's hands, it's fingers..." That kind of "it's" means "it is." But you don't mean "I saw it is little feet" 'cause that doesn't make sense, so take out the apostrophe. It should just be "its." "Its little feet, its hands, its fingers." It may not look right, but it is.)
--- End quote ---
Thank you for all of that, especially the it's/its thing. That is why I need a beta to look over my work and why I don't need to write when I'm sleep-deprived. *laughs* I kept looking at it and something felt "off". It's is a contraction, its is possession. I knew that, I swear I did. ;)
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