Okay, first entry! I combined the Book-a-Minute approach with the bunnies and came up with the following.
Presenting...
The Swollen Issues Seriesin under 1000 words, re-enacted by bunnies
Chapter 1…Bruce, the asshole manager: Nick, are you feeling alright?
Nick: Yad, I tink I’m geddin a cold.
After several days of Nick embarrassing himself in Japan…Nick: … On second thought, no. I’m weak, I’m dizzy, I’m nauseous, I can’t stop puking, and my balls have swollen to the size of cantaloupes. By the way, Leighanne, I’m impressed that you somehow managed to earn a minor in Japanese language in between all your modeling and acting jobs.
Leighanne: Thanks! Oh, and sorry about your balls.
Nick: Yeah, suck my balls- I mean, my balls suck! I mean, the
situation with my balls sucks, not that I want you to suck my balls!
Leighanne: Thanks for clearing that up.
Nick: No problem. I just hope this bug clears up! *passes out*
Kevin: Call the doctor!
Doctor: Mr. Carter, you have a nasty case of… the MUMPS!
After twenty-eight chapters in which Nick does not recover from “the mumps”…Different Doctor: Nick, I have some bad news for you. You have a nasty case of… CANCER!
Nick: Oh noes!
After a month of radiation…Nick: I’m tired, I’m nauseous, I have a fever, I have a headache, I don’t have an appetite, and my whole life is a lie!
After several more chapters in which Nick lives a lie…Brian: Nick, do you have an eating disorder?
Nick: No, I have CANCER!
Brian: Damn!
Narrator: There was no way that Brian could forget the words that Nick had said. After all, it wasn’t every day that you heard that your friend had cancer. Was it?
Readers: Um. No?
After fourteen chapters of crying and puking and a play date with Julie (not me Julie; the Julie in the story)…Brian: I’m going to be a dad! I’m going to have a baby boy! My own NBA player!! I love life!!!
Nick: Cool! Life still sucks for me!
After several more chapters of puking…AJ: Brian, is Nick on drugs?
Brian: No.
Kevin: Is Nick… sick?
Brian: Mhm…
Howie: Does Nick have cancer?
Brian: Yeah… yeah, he’s got cancer. He’s got Hodgkin’s Disease, and I’m not sure he will make it!
AJ, Kevin, and Howie: *gasp*
After many chapters of cussing and crying and, of course, puking…Nick: I’m quitting my chemo! I want to die!
Brian: Noes, you can’t do that!
Nick: Okay, fine, I don’t want to die!
After some more chapters in which Nick’s attention-seeking family makes an appearance…Dr. Andersen: The cancer has spread to your liver. I’m so sorry, but there’s nothing I can do… except put you through further treatments, more tests, more chemo, more radiation… basically torture you for one hundred and ten more chapters, until you’re finally put out of your misery. Did I mention I was sorry?
Nick: Nooooooes!
Swollen Issues III…Nick: Ughhh… kill me now…
Dr. Andersen: I’m sorry, but Nick has developed [insert complication here].
Brian: He can’t die! Please Lord…
AJ: Praise Jesus, he’s aliiiiive!
Howie: Hey, it looks like Nick’s getting better!
Kevin: Oh noes, a setback! Back to your deathbed in the hospital, Nick.
Aaron: *whine* Please don’t die, Nick. *whimper*
Jane: Nick, you feel up to talking to this reporter, don’t you?
Nick: Ughhh… kill me now…
After ninety chapters of this cycle, during which Nick suffers, Aaron whimpers and whines, Jane goes about her usual Jane Carter antics, the Boys comfort Nick while worrying behind his back, Leighanne has her baby, and Nick has potty problems…AJ: What’s the matter? You gonna puke again?
Nick: No… I… need… bathroom…
Narrator: The diarrhea worked fast, and before AJ had a chance to help him out of the bed, there was another mess. This time Nick couldn't take it and started to cry.
Nurse: Uh-oh, we got a Code Brown here!
And in the end… (spoiler warning!)Heart monitor: Beep… beep… beeeeeeeeeeeee
eeeeeeeeeeeeee
eeeeeeeeeeeeee
ep…
Brian: Noes!
Kevin: He’s gone…
THE END!
